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After
experiencing an awful hospital birth, Patrice London
went on to have more blissful births that took place
in a birth center and then her very own home. Read
about her experiences in her new book, "Empowered
to Birth Naturally: One Woman’s Journey to Homebirth."
Passage from
Empowered to Birth Naturally
"In our
society, when starting new adventures people tend to
pay close attention to detail. When considering
buying a house, going to college, getting married,
and even buying a television, people conduct
extensive research. This same care and attention to
detail is all but forgotten when it comes to the
life-changing process of giving birth. This area is
all too often left to the “experts.” This shouldn’t
be the case. If more people would research the
current medical model of care and the midwifery
model of care, the results could be revolutionary.
More women just might begin to trust that their
bodies can, in fact, do what they were created to do
? and do it well."
To learn more
about Patrice and buy her book visit her official
web site at
www.patricelondon.com.
The wife of an incarcerated man shares her thoughts and
an excerpt from her book, “Secrets of an Inmate’s Wife.”
“The voices of the other bus riders faded as exhausted
and irritated children fell asleep as well as most of
the women. I took out a notebook and pad and began to
write a letter to Eric.
“Dear
Eric, I am on my way to see you and so much is going on
in my head and heart. So many emotions I feel like I am
about to explode. I look around me and I don’t belong
here. Why did you destroy us? What we had was so
perfect. I . . “
I ripped up the letter into tiny pieces. I could not go
on. It was turning into the hate and bitterness I did
not want him to know I was feeling. I closed my eyes
and slept the rest of the long ride upstate to Comstock
Correctional Facility because I didn't want to think
about anything else. Everything I thought about now
seemed complicated and sad because this situation made
everything complicated and sad.
It was six o'clock in the morning when the bus driver
announced that we would be at the prison in ten
minutes. When my eyes adjusted to the morning I looked
out of the bus window and there were high mountains
everywhere. Just miles and miles of nothing but
mountains and it was really an awesome sight. It was
beautiful and peaceful and had I not been on a bus going
to a correctional facility I would have really been able
to enjoy this scenery. But because of the situation,
all it made me realize is that my man was truly very far
away from the Harlem we both knew and from the apartment
we had in Queens where I thought that so many of my
dreams would have been fulfilled. As we pulled into the
prison parking lot, I gathered up my leather book bag
that held my identification, toiletries and the latest
book that I was reading.
I got off the bus with the children and all the mothers
that were left alone to carry the load after their men
went to prison. I thought to myself, so this is what
happens when men go to prison and leave women alone.
The women lug tired and frustrated children up to the
prisons early in the morning and they take their own sex
starved lonely bodies up, too. To suffer for a
situation they had no control over. A situation they
did not help create. Women, always paying a debt they
didn't owe. I stopped and looked up as soon as I got
off the bus. Comstock Correctional Facility was an
extremely large building. It was ugly too, like all
prisons. What could be pretty about gray-cemented walls
and barbed wired fences? The wires and the high walls
were simply there to keep men in and keep families
out.”
Excerpt from
“Secrets of an Inmate’s Wife”
African-American male incarceration is constantly on the
rise. This creates a rise in the number of women who
must become both mother and father to children and many
will live in poverty because they cannot take care of
their children without financial support from the
father. But there is no fighting for child support when
the father is incarcerated. There are also many women
who will choose to stand by their incarcerated husbands,
boyfriends and children’s fathers. That decision will
cause them to embark on a journey that will change their
lives forever. They will enter a world they never knew
existed, the world of the incarcerated and the women who
love them. They will visit the prisons and meet other
women who also visit the prisons and they will be
misunderstood and ridiculed by loved ones who do not
understand why they would choose to wait. Not too many
people understand why these women can’t let go. But can
love be turned on then off like a running faucet? Can
it be played like an instrument and then put back into
its case? Or can love be balled up like a piece of
paper and then thrown away? No! Love cannot be turned
off, closed up or simply discarded because some times it
is just too difficult to do so.
For women like me, it was too difficult to let go. Often
we think that if we stand by our men then, perhaps, they
will see that their lives is worth so much more than to
be inside a prison where there is no power and no
control over ones own life. Prison is volunteer
slavery. The auction block is the courtroom where
countless of men are shackled and handcuffed, sent to a
hole called prison and told when to eat, sleep and use
the bathroom. While incarcerated a man cannot earn a
living, he cannot support his family, often he can’t
even gain any real skills and this simply should not
be. So many people suffer when men go to prison. But
nobody thinks about the family that he leaves behind.
They don’t see that we are victims, too. In my book I
share all that I went through as a result of my
husband’s incarceration and my decision to remain in a
relationship with him in spite of it. The way that I
hid what I was doing from others, all of the secrets I
kept as a wife of an incarcerated man and the secrets of
other women who have shared their thoughts with me on
that long ride up to the prison is in this book. Late
at night when we ride the prison buses, it is then that
we can let go to each other, to share with the only
people who truly understand since they are doing the
same thing. “Secrets of an Inmate’s Wife” is
about this experience and so much more.
You can read Gary Johnson's interview with Jaki McCalvin.
This interview was conducted in October 2004.
BMIA Exclusive!
Jaki McCalvin
What Happens When Brothers Go To Prison and Leave Sisters Alone?
In 2004 we
started a section on the site that dealt with black men
in jail. As a result we started getting "jail mail" and
letters from women who were married to men in prison. As I
read the mail and other material about the incarceration of
black men, I never once thought about the women who are affected and left
behind. Some of these women are mothers who are thrust into the role of
being a father to their children. With one tap of the gavel, some of
these women have gone from housewife to sole financial provider. Others
have been pushed into poverty because of a lack of financial support.
These women are known as “prisoner wives and girlfriends.” Many of these
prisoner wives/girlfriends have decided to “stand by their man” and endure
a life of ridicule from some of their friends and family members. They
keep their love alive with conjugal visits in trailers on the prison
grounds, letters, phone calls and even smuggling drugs for their man.
Many women fight with themselves about whether or not they made the right
decision to support their man.
Why would a woman marry a man that’s not coming out anytime soon? Wanting
to learn more about this phenomenon, I turned to Jaki McCalvin. Jaki
is a prisoner wife. She’s also the author of the book, “What
Happens When Brothers Go To Prison and Leave Sisters Alone?”
The book is a true story about Jaki’s life as a prisoner girlfriend to
prisoner wife. Readers follow Jaki from the courtroom as Jaki’s boyfriend
is sentenced to 12 years in jail, to her first ride on the bus to the
prison, to her marriage in a prison chapel.
I spoke to many prisoner wives and girlfriends before posting this article
and decided to start off this series featuring Jaki McCalvin's story.
Jaki’s story, although, personal and unique to her situation, was also
representative of several of the women that I spoke with. Like many women
before her, Jaki could not turn her love off like a faucet. There is so much that takes place in the lives of women who choose to
stand by African-American men after they become incarcerated.
To her credit, Jaki was willing to tell her story in the form of an
interview. We had several conversations before and after this interview
and I give her all the credit in the world because I believe that by
sharing her story, she is doing the work of others.
For me, this was a different kind of story. According to Jaki, this is
not limited to being a black woman. “Many women will be able to relate to
many of the issues that I faced,” says McCalvin. To learn more about what
happens to women when their man goes to jail read our feature interview
with Jaki McCalvin.
The Jaki McCalvin Interview
BMIA:
Jaki, let’s get right to it. What happened when you’re in love with your
then boyfriend, Eric, a man who goes to prison and leaves you alone?
J. McCalvin:
I learned a lot. I became a part of a world I never knew existed, the
world of the inmates and the women who stand by them.
BMIA:
What does the reality of your man going to prison do to your psyche?
J. McCalvin:
It is similar to what a person feels like when a relationship ends. I
went through shock and disbelief, deep sadness and confusion because I
didn’t know what I should do. I asked myself over and over where do I go
from here?
BMIA:
What is Eric serving time for?
J. McCalvin:
Criminal activity related to drug addiction. My husband became addicted
to drugs, like so many men. And drugs changed him. It destroyed
everything that we had built, like it does in any relationship where one
person or both people are involved in drugs.
BMIA:
Tell me about your background. (Age, part of the country you were born,
level of education, etc.)
J. McCalvin:Well, I was born and raised in Harlem, NYC. I grew up in the projects.
I’ve had training in many things from acting, freelance writing and
currently I’m working on a degree in African-American studies. Right out
of high school I went straight into an advertising company while attending
college at night. From there I worked at a theatre-licensing agency
associated with CBS, I also worked at Fleet Bank as an Administrative
Assistant to the Department Head. I’ve always had great jobs where I
learned a lot. When I was in High School I was in a special program for
four years for gifted young writers after one of my English Teachers read
a poem that I wrote. We had to write a simple poem about a dog. Most
students wrote about their dog, or that they liked dogs. I wrote a poem
called, “Nobody’s Dog.” It was about a lonely abandoned dog, frightened
and hungry, waiting for scraps. I don’t recall all the words but it was
deep and I guess the teacher thought so, too.
BMIA:
Would you say that you have or had low self-esteem?
J. McCalvin:
I never thought I did. Maybe I could have since I let so many people have
a front row seat in my life. It may not be low self-esteem but the way I
was brought up. I was a middle child to two sisters, one who always has
so much drama going on in her life and my oldest sister had Lupus since
she was three. She died a few years ago, I loved her so much. But I took
care of her a lot during childhood and so I think I just got used to
taking care of people and putting my own needs on the back burner.
BMIA:
Generally speaking, would you say that women who wait for and support men
in prison suffer from low self-esteem?
J. McCalvin:
The women I meet and see don’t look like they suffer low self-esteem.
They just love and stand by their man. If a woman’s husband can’t find a
job and she supports him, is she suddenly suffering low self-esteem?
Maybe she just loves her man through the good and the bad, the ups and the
downs. But let me add this. I did an interview about this issue for a
television program recently and when this question was asked, the sister
with me answered it this way, “The low self-esteem comes from having to
hide it, that’s what tears you up. Because you are put down so much by
others.” I think her answer was very accurate.
BMIA:
How did you meet Eric?
J. McCalvin:
I met Eric at a club. He was a real good dancer and that made him very
popular in our neighborhood, so I knew who he was, had seen him around and
had admired him for his popularity long before I actually met him.
BMIA:
Do you feel that Eric was honest with you before he went to prison?
J. McCalvin:
He didn’t tell me he had some things on his record from childhood and
other dustups with the law as a teenager.
BMIA:
Do you believe him now?
J. McCalvin:
I believe that he has finally grown into the man God wants him to be.
Talk is cheap. I see what changes he has made. Even in prison, in a
situation so violent, he rehabilitated himself. He held a position as a
coordinator for several years for the Alternative to Violence Program in
prison. A position that was never held by an inmate in that prison
before. He has character letters from Prison Pastors and outside people
he worked with in the program. I have a lot of respect for him because he
has been through a lot and not only is he enduring it but he is educating
himself and maturing in ways that free black men don’t even do. I have
learned a lot from him. Sometimes it takes a whole lot for a man to
become the man God wants him to be. I believe in what I see and I believe
in change, in what God can do in any of us.
BMIA:
Did you ever hear that “inner voice” in your head that warned you that
“something wasn’t right’ in the relationship? If so, did you ignore it or
act on it?
J. McCalvin:
If I did not think I could change a man I wouldn’t be a woman. But I’ll
also say this, my father did not teach me about men. He did not tell me
what to look for. I looked for love and found it. Also, when you grow up
in Harlem or in any ghetto, the men you meet have the same
characteristics. They all have a tendency to be violent. I ignored any
warning signs because I believed like many women, that if I loved him
enough he could be the man I needed him to be. But I have learned that
what really changes a man is a man that is ready for change.
BMIA:
What’s it like to be sitting in a courtroom and watching your man get
sentenced to serving time in jail?
J. McCalvin:
It was devastating, my heart felt ripped out. I knew my life was going to
change drastically because he wouldn’t be coming home for a long time.
BMIA:
Do you see yourself as an advocate for prison wives and girlfriends?
J. McCalvin:
I have so much to say about this issue and the things I have experienced
and the things I see when I visit the prisons. I have so much fire in
side of me concerning this topic and what I want to tell black men and the
women that visit the prisons regularly. I want to hug sisters who wait
and tell them that I understand and to do what is right for you. I want
to tell them to forget what the world thinks. But I also want to tell
brothers that a change has to come. So I guess I am.
BMIA:
What is a prisoner’s wife?
J. McCalvin:
A prison’s wife is a strong woman, a caring woman. She is a woman who
loves, perhaps, deeper than she should. A prisoner’s wife is someone who
loves unconditionally and knows that love can’t be turned on then off like
a light switch, not real love. She is a woman that has to constantly deal
with negative criticism from her family and friends and society because of
her decision to wait.
BMIA:
Do you have the opportunity for conjugal visits? How does that work in
terms of the atmosphere or environment? (Guards outside the door)? How
long is a typical conjugal visit?
J. McCalvin:
It’s where you get to spend two days and nights with your man alone inside
a trailer just like the ones you can purchase to own. Outside the
trailers are small play areas for children, picnic benches and grills for
barbequing. Inside the trailers are completely furnished. You go in
Saturday morning and leave Monday morning. Or you can schedule a Thursday
morning until Saturday morning visit. Either way, the visit is just two
days and nights. You supply all the food you want to cook and eat for the
whole trailer because once you are there, unless something happens, you
don’t leave. The guards are not outside the door. They are in high
towers above. There is a phone inside the trailers and when it rings, the
inmate must answer it. That is how they take attendance. Sometimes the
inmate has to stick his head out the door and wave to the guard in the
tower. That’s another way they check the attendance. Other than that,
you are alone with your man. Some inmates have their mothers and fathers
and other families visit and the family members seem to have so much fun
cooking and just being with this person that they miss so much.
BMIA:
What is it about being a prisoner’s wife that the general public does not
see or understand?
J. McCalvin:
The general public seems to think that prisoner’s wives are uneducated or
crazy or suffer low self-esteem. They think that we think it is ok, what
our men have done. But we do not condone criminal activity. If anything,
we are trying to help these men realize that they need education, they
need to read more, and they need to change their ways of thinking. That
is what we do and those of the wives that don’t need to start doing this.
Society needs to also see that the wives and children of prisoners are
victims, too.
BMIA:
Talk to me about “prison games.” How is “the game” played?
J. McCalvin:
The prison games I refer to in my book is the ones where inmates meet and
get involved in relationships with women that they consider unattractive
but they do so in order to get the women to come visit (a visit is better
than no visit). They get these women to buy them food, put money in their
accounts and buy them expensive sneakers. You see a lot of brothers get
these gullible white women to do this for them. Then eventually these
women marry these guys who they think love them, but these brothers are
just looking to get "some" on a conjugal visit and they don’t care what
color it is. I don’t like how they play with the hearts and heads of
women like this. Some brothers get released and they don’t even bother to
let the woman know because it was just a game, a prison game.
I’ve seen brothers
play two different women, stringing them both along. One comes up on a
Sunday and the other comes up on Saturday. They never meet and never have
any idea the other is coming. One is his wife who he usually has conjugal
visits with and the other is the girl that he is promising to marry one
day. More than anything I hate how they waste these women’s time - women
who could be getting involved in relationships that are real and lasting.
You see it all the time and everybody’s laughing behind her back because
you know what that’s all about.
BMIA:
How do you reconcile or deal with the lies?
J. McCalvin:
You tell me one person who says they have never lied to their mate in
order to keep certain negative information about them a secret and I’ll
tell you that person is not being for real.
BMIA:
How does prison affect the children, friends and family?
J. McCalvin:
Children have no fathers and they resent their fathers for that. My
husband has a daughter from a previous relationship and she was honest to
admit to him that while growing up, she hated that he wasn’t around.
Other family members and friends must learn how to go on without that
person. It’s as if they died because everybody isn’t going to visit the
prisons. My husband’s mother has never been to see him, never. So she
hasn’t seen her son in more than ten years.
BMIA:
How do you explain “Daddy’s absence” to the children?
J. McCalvin:
I give that responsibility to daddy. He needs to tell them because it’s
not my crime, it's his.
BMIA:
What do you say to yourself and do to get you through the day-to-day
existence of living with your man in prison?
J. McCalvin:
I’d like to think that my life concerns more than just him and the
situation he’s in. It’s when you don’t understand that, that it becomes a
real problem. When you visit so much your own needs are lacking and your
kids are not taken care of because you are always up there. That’s a
problem. There was a time when I put too much into this, but not
anymore.
BMIA:
Do you have any particular feelings toward the criminal justice system as
it pertains to black men in America?
J. McCalvin:
The criminal justice system is unfair to black men, who get more time for
the same crimes white men commit. White men can afford the best lawyers
and buy themselves out of prison, black men can’t. That’s another reason
why there are more black men in prison than whites. But also, prison
takes away power and control. It is a form of slavery that,
unfortunately, black men are volunteering for in record numbers. The
overseer is the judge, the slave masters are the correction officers.
This is the real deal. When my husband stood before the white judge in
his shackles, I mean handcuffs. I thought to myself, damn, this white man
has so much power.
Prison is also a
business. In most states where there are prisons, the warden lives in the
area, the cook, the correction officers, the man that distributes the food
and other supplies from his own business that he started when he realized
there was a need because of the prisons, they all live there and they all
profit off of the large number of inmates in their all white town where
the inmates are usually mostly black.
BMIA:
Why do you wait? I don’t mean to be rude or make you seem as if you’re
crazy, but I would really like to get some sense of the logic that drives
a spouse’s behavior in this situation.
J. McCalvin:
Allow me one chance to flip a question. Would you stand by your girl or
wife if she got cancer or became paralyzed or made a mistake that landed
her in prison?
BMIA:
If she were sick I would stand by her. The prison thing is not as clear.
It depends on what she was in for.
J. McCalvin:
Could you just drop that deep beautiful love just like that?
BMIA:
No.
J. McCalvin:
God calls special people to do special things. It took a special kind of
woman to be Christopher Reeve’s wife. Tell me why I should walk away,
because he made a mistake? I don’t know anybody who hasn’t made
mistakes. I just know a lot of people who never got caught. (Laughs)
The bond I have with my man is probably stronger than what a lot of people
have who are out here. I also got friends who have never found real love
during the entire time my husband has been incarcerated. Some are married
and divorced; some have gone from men to men. One of my best friends
decided she’d rather be gay now because of this. I got another good
friend who have been with so many men looking for love in all the wrong
places that I’ve lost count. Most of them have one or more kids by
different men they are no longer with. I don’t want that.
BMIA:
Jaki, if a woman commits to waiting for her boyfriend, and he’s serving 20
years, what does that “waiting” encompass? What happens if you meet
another man? Is there an “unwritten rule” about the “do’s and don’ts” of
how one should behave when your man/woman is in prison?
J. McCalvin:
It’s no different than any relationship you are in. If you choose to
wait, then wait. Don’t disrespect a brother just because he’s in prison.
Be true to him or just walk away. Trailers take away some of the sexual
frustrations. Most of the women are not looking for other men so they
don’t meet them. When they do they simply tell the man that they are in a
relationship, because they are. If they decide they want to get with the
brother then they tell the inmate that they can’t wait, that they’ve found
somebody else. There is no unwritten rule. I don’t think anyone should
be disrespected regardless of where they are. Anything other than this
would be the flip side of a prison game.
BMIA:
Talk about the network of women you’ve met whose men are serving time in
prison?
J. McCalvin:
I’ve befriended a traffic officer, a woman who works in a prison in the
offices. I’ve met nurses, administrative Assistants for large and
prestigious firms. I’ve met legal assistants. I’ve met hard working,
respectable, educated women. We are just women who simply love who we
love. You can’t fit us into one category therefore people should never
stereotype us.
BMIA:
As the years go by it is easier or more difficult to visit your man in
prison?
J. McCalvin:
What makes it easier is that I continue to grow and understand more and
more about who I am and my purpose, I have learned that his incarceration
does not control my life or who I am. I don’t get personally affected the
way I used to. I only go on conjugal visits and then I go home and
continue with the things I am doing in my life. I’m not living in the
state where he is anymore so I can’t be there like I used to. I am a
woman and a mother to a child that needs my nurturing first and foremost.
BMIA:
Let’s talk about your faith. Do you believe in God?
J. McCalvin:
God is everything to me. He is first. With God I can do all things and
all things are possible in Him. It is the bible that made me respect
marriage even if I didn’t think my husband did at the time. It is God
that teaches me that I don’t need to conform to the world’s thinking.
That just like Moses and Noah was laughed at, or the disciple named Peter
who went around the world trying to teach others about Jesus Christ was
laughed at, I am laughed at, but it didn’t stop these great men or the
others from doing what they thought was right. Neither will it stop me.
God has taught me that Eric had to go through this “fire” in order to be
brought out refined.
BMIA:
Talk about how your faith plays a role in your life.
J. McCalvin:
Faith keeps me going when I get discouraged. Faith told me to write this
book and that it is important. Because of faith I believe in the end
result, the result that I can’t see right now because it is so far away.
Faith tells me that my man will be home one day and that I will be a great
and respectable writer one day.
BMIA:
I’ve heard about women who marry men who are serving time in prison. Some
of these men will NEVER see the light of day, and yet there are women who
want to marry them. You married Eric while he was in prison. Was that
his idea or yours?
J. McCalvin:
Both. If I was going to wait then at least let us be able to be intimate
sometimes because it helps. Those weekends are like short vacations from
all this. Sometimes its just about the moment, the here and now.
Sometimes life is too unpredictable and short to spend too much time
worrying about anything else.
BMIA:
What was it about your relationship with Eric that made you want to marry
him?
J. McCalvin:
Eric and I are best friends. When he was home we were always together.
When he was hanging out with his friends I would be right there. We were
buddies. People envied that about us. Drugs changed him. It wasn’t me
or anything I did, it wasn’t our love, it was drugs. Drugs don’t love
nobody.
BMIA:
In other cases, women marry men who are serving life sentences and
destined to die in jail? Does the same logic that you just shared apply?
J. McCalvin:
It could. There is no real logic to love, you love who you love. And
because of love you take what you have and because it is real to you, you
do what is important to you.
BMIA:
What do you want people to “get” or learn as a result of reading your
book?
J. McCalvin:
I want people to try and understand the women who wait. I want them to
see the love that can take place between inmates and their wives. I want
them to see that this started off no different than their own
relationships. Through my husband’s incarceration as well as all the
other things that I share that happened to me in my book, like my sister’s
death, my battle with a chronic illness and all I learned, I want people
to see that they can be strong through anything.
BMIA:
What drives you to succeed and be the best?
J. McCalvin:
I have a right to succeed. I’ve been through so much. I deserve success.
I fight to maintain my health everyday. I have to deal with people that
think I’m crazy or feel like I’m living a double life sometimes. I often
tell myself, you deserve to be happy and satisfied because you fight so
much.
BMIA:
Do you feel any sense of responsibility for Eric’s circumstances?
J. McCalvin:
Why would I ever feel responsible for what a man does? I did not give
birth to him, if anything, his mother should feel some responsibility.
And, too, he should feel responsible for the circumstances he put his wife
and child in, not the other way around.
BMIA:
How would you assess your role and level of responsibility for the things
that have happened in your life?
J. McCalvin:
I accept total responsibility for whether I lay back and feel sorry for
myself or get up and keep going. Life is unpredictable and things happen,
things that we can’t control. What I control and accept total
responsibility for is my reaction to those things.
BMIA:
Who motivates and inspires you?
J. McCalvin:
God inspires me. My daughter inspires me. Writing inspires me. It is my
purpose. When a new poem or another verse to an old one or words to a
chapter of a book I am writing begins to flow through me like rivers of
running water and I can barely write as fast as this stuff is coming
though me, I feel like I can fly. Oh Man! I feel so complete.
BMIA:
Has Eric’s serving time in prison changed your outlook on life? If so,
how?
J. McCalvin:
When I was young and I thought about marriage and being with a man, of
course, I never imagined in my wildest dreams I’d be in this situation.
When I was younger I fantasized a lot. I must admit that he took away a
lot of those fantasies and brought me down to the bare reality of things.
BMIA:
What’s the biggest challenge facing women who have men in prison?
J.
McCalvin:
Learning that they are not
responsible. The biggest challenge for black women who have men in
prison and black women everywhere is to understand that we can’t do
everything. They must begin to understand that we must stop
nurturing grown men and begin to nurture ourselves more. We must
stop having sons with men that are not responsible. We must try hard
to get good fathers for our sons so that this cycle of men becoming
incarcerated because they had no positive male role models will end.
BMIA:
What do you think is the biggest challenge facing black men in America?
J. McCalvin:
Accepting responsibility for the situations they have put sisters in.
That when a sister takes her three children by three different men to the
welfare office it isn’t only her we need to judge or look down on, clearly
there are three irresponsible men out there who are not doing their job.
There are too many black children without fathers. Where are the
fathers? In jail? Wherever they are, that is the biggest challenge for
black men in America. Keeping them out of jail, becoming responsible,
creating positive role models for their children and spending time with
their children. Slavery has come back in a different form. Prison makes
men powerless. To the educated and uneducated, rap singers, NBA stars,
stop making babies and walking away. Stop leaving sisters alone. I wish
I didn’t have to write “What Happens When Brothers Go To Prison And
Leave Sisters Alone.” I wish this issue were not as common as it is
today.
BMIA:
Thank you Jaki!
J. McCalvin:Thank you for allowing me to share my
story.
Jaki
McCalvin grew up in Harlem, NY and currently lives in North Carolina.
You
can order Jaki's book, “What
Happens When Brothers Go To Prison and Leave Sisters Alone?" at
Amazon.com
or by sending a check/money payable to
Jaki McCalvin at Sister Publishing,
PO Box 539, Kannapolis, NC 28082.
Click here to visit her web site.
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you think?
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Guestbook
to leave a public or private statement, comment or
reaction.
Recently, I found myself thinking of your true
worth. In my pre-coconscious mind thoughts of the
authentic black women began to ruminate. For so long
you have been devalued, persecuted, and
disrespected. A Goddess in your own right, you have
used your divinity to shield yourself from the brunt
of these injuries. The black woman speaks of family
and orchestrates its symphony with adroitness. Your
epicene attributes allow you to assume the role of
both mother and father, even though it is not in
your original job description. Inside of your womb
we find the genesis of mankind and the safest place
on earth. The authentic black woman has endured much
longsuffering and has done so with a smile. Embedded
in man’s collective unconscious is your record of
faithful service. Your aesthetic qualities have been
overlooked in favor of emaciated fair skinned women,
by a society that would not know beauty if it stared
them in the eyes. Authentic black women are never
tawdry of cantankerous, as they are a joy to be
around and respectful of themselves and others. A
jewel with an iridescent bling that could light up
the universe, you shine so that others may be
encouraged.
You
were present with Mary as she endured the pain of
seeing her son Jesus crucified. You were a house
maiden in Cleopatra’s court and a faithful wife to
Moses. You have endured the indignity of being a
slave, and suffered countless sexual assaults at the
hands of your former Masters. You were forced sit at
the back of the bus and when you could endure it no
longer, you refused to get up. You supported Martin
and Malcolm as they led the Civil Rights Movement,
and after all of this, you are still doing your
part.
You are an intellect, who has an avaricious appetite
for knowledge. You are a faithful companion and a
champion of the black man. You are my other half. I
know that I do not tell you this enough, but I love
you. Even though I can be misogynistic at times, I
see you as my equal. You are the best thing that has
ever happened to me. If ever there is a time when
you need me, just let me know. I hope this letter
reaches you, as I know that you have addresses in
many different countries. Hope to hear from you
soon.
Love Always,
The Authentic Black Man
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Drop The Baggage
By
Samone M. Smith-Brown, M.S.
Baggage can come in all styles, designs and shapes.
From the cheapest we can find, to the most
expensive-Gucci, Louis Vuitton and the like. But
the one thing that all of these receptacles have in
common is that they all serve the same purpose-they
carry around our baggage, our luggage. I say this
in a metaphoric style to help you to realize that no
baggage is better or any different than any other.
The way we acquire our baggage or the person or
persons from whom we receive our baggage doesn’t
makes any one person’s different, more expensive or
better, it is all the same. Louis Vuitton to
Jordache, to no name brand, we all are doing the
same thing. We should recognize that even if we
live in Beverly Hills or in a remote part of the
country, the things we lug to other relationships,
no matter how pretty, rich or attractive the person
carrying it is, the contents of their bags needed to
be UNPACKED.
When
we unpack, we need to do so after each “excursion”-
meaning, each relationship. You can look at it in
this context - You wouldn’t carry the same luggage
to Alaska that you would carry to the Bahamas or
Jamaica. Two different climates- just as each
relationship is also that- two different places, two
different people, two different circumstances, so
treat them as such. One situation or signs of a
situation that you may have experienced with someone
else is not necessarily the same type that
you
will encounter with another. For example, you were
dating “Bobby” (Alaska) for a long time. You felt he
was or could possibly be “the one”. But as time
went on, Bobby began not to answer his cell phone,
would stay out later at times and some of his habits
changed. After some of that good old-fashioned
detective work we all have done, you find out Bobby
was unfaithful and you decide to leave. The luggage
you carried from that relationship was that from now
on, when a man doesn't answer his cell phone, he is
usually cheating. This is what you carry with you
to your next excursion or relationship with “Nate”
(Jamaica) including all of the hurt and pain you
never “unpacked” before you left Bobby (Alaska).
One day you decide to call Nate and he just so
happens not to answer your call. This triggers your
heart and mind to relive the hurt you felt when you
found that Bobby was not who he claimed to be. So,
instead of using the clothes or baggage you have for
your new relationship, you now decide to unpack from
your old relationship and you let Nate have it all.
None of which was given to Bobby who deserved it.
Your knowledge of and situations that you have with
your new relationship becomes null and void for your
heart needs to be protected. Any good excuse that
Nate may have that may very well be the truth, you
will not hear. Your hurt and heart are speaking too
loudly for anything or anyone else to get in. Your
heart is the most important part of your being at
this time and in order to protect your heart, you
LOSE YOUR MIND. We needed to unpack, we need to
unpack. I am not saying that we need to be
blind to situations and not to be alert, for no one
will love you and protect your heart better than
you. It is okay to love someone but you should love
yourself more. BUT, when we carry too much luggage
and don’t unpack when it is warranted, we tend to be
on such a high level of defense that we neglect to
see the situation for what it is. Feel how heavy
your suitcase was and how heavy it gets from
relationship to relationship?
TAKE THE “CLOTHES
OUT GIRLS.”
All men are not dogs, but the ones that are, I hate
to say it, had a hand in getting that way from women
(and mothers) who allow men to do as they wish for
they are not the one’s on the other side who are
feeling the pain of heartache. But soon, trust me,
karma is a bitch and what goes around comes around.
For women, you will be on the other side of the
street one day and for mothers who are raising their
sons as if they can do no wrong, don’t have a
daughter, for the materials that you are sowing with
your sons, remember, SOMEONE ELSE is sowing the same
seeds with their sons and you should pray that your
daughter doesn’t find herself tilling his crops, for
she will experience a bad harvest.
But men can’t be the only ones blamed for baggage we
may carry for some of the old dirt we have given and
sown as women can cause us to feel leery of trusting
another. Our dirt yields our insecurities, which in
turn also puts us on high alert and causes us to
bring baggage, create baggage and carry baggage to
and from our relationships. Everything didn’t
necessarily have to be done to you, remember that.
Our actions cause reactions.... we can’t always give
blame; we sometimes have to accept it as well.
Being a “dirt dog” is not just a man’s game, we can
be “dirt dogs” and downright “dirt bitches” when we
want to. “Don’t hate the player, hate the game;” is
a cute and catchy saying but behind closed doors, we
catch more than just the saying.
Everything in a relationship is reversible. It
isn’t always just being fed to us, we feed things
back as well. Another example, Ladies: Your man was
good to you, never cheated, but you got good with
your game, cheated, played him, never got caught.
This relationship eventually ends and you are now
single and ready to mingle. Sooner or later you get
into a relationship where you are the one with your
“nose opened” and every excuse your man or mate
gives you rings a familiar bell in your head of the
times when you used the same excuses
to do your dirt. EVEN IF your mate is being
truthful with you, your heart is on the line. Your
head signals your thoughts, your thoughts signal
your heart and your heart signals the need for
protection. You accuse, argue and even check out
the stories given to you. Even if their stories
come up truthful every time, you are still going
through the fire drill of “ I remember what I used
to do and I will not be played-OH NO HE WONT”. The
not knowing if he or she is telling the truth is
what is killing you inside for you know that when
the shoe was on the other foot, you actually had
them on wrong because you used to lie. But do you
know what you are doing- you are folding up another
shirt to pack away in your suitcase to carry with
the baggage you are creating. A mind may be a
terrible thing to waste but it is also a terrible
thing to play with and when you play with other
people’s mind indirectly or even without their
knowledge, it plays with yours as well. Everything
has a cause and affect. If you cause it, it will
affect you, maybe not sooner but definitely later.
From the time we were small girls, gaining
and maintaining relationships has been a constant
battle. It started out as just play fights and
pigtail pulling in the schoolyard to full-blown
arguments and battles. Relationships are essential
in maintaining a strong lifeline to society as well
as for supplying us with personal fulfillment. The
small thing that many of us seem to neglect to think
about is that, no matter what type of relationship
we find ourselves in, they all start out the same
way. We have fondness for someone and then it
progresses from there. But, the trap that many of
us seem to have fallen in and the most important
step that we neglect is that we FORGET that all
relationships start out with friendship. Simple
admiration for another person, a piqued interest
that makes us want to know more. But in the quest
to get to know another we fail to get to know
ourselves. What we fail to realize is that in
order to find and maintain a healthy relationship we
first have to learn how to become a good friend to
ourselves before we can become anything to
anyone else. If we treat ourselves with the love,
respect, admiration and care that we are trying
desperately to give to another, it would then be
very hard to accept anything less than the best for
ourselves in any type of relationship; personal,
work related, intimate or otherwise. Treat yourself
the way you would want others to treat you.
Many times as women, when we find or think we have
found that “special man,” we tend to jump on him
without thinking through all that needs to be looked
at and considered when progressing to a serious
relationship. We begin to blindly rationalize
within ourselves and feel that “we know what we are
doing” even when the obvious is staring us in the
face. Many times our rationalization comes from
outside factors that we internalize- ‘we are getting
up in age so we had better get a move on; everybody
else has a man, so why not me; we feel lonely or we
are just plain unhappy with ourselves and we see a
man as the answer to our own completion.
Many times when we find an interesting man, we tend
to look, hope and pray for any sign of the
attributes we are looking for and if he exhibits a
modicum of having the “right stuff” we begin to
“see” that he has all of the qualities we were
looking for, when in actuality, he doesn’t. We just
want him to have the qualities so badly that we take
that small display and begin to “see” that he has
what we want and if we have to settle for just some
of the qualities not being there, it is okay, we can
help him to develop the others. How come we don’t
ever realize that we can’t ever change a man and
that the onset of trying to do so is a sign from the
beginning? We shouldn’t have to try to develop and
see things in him that are just not there. We turn
our “want” for a relationship into a “need” for one
when in all actuality what we needed to do was to
“need” ourselves a little more. While we are
cultivating our man like he is farmland in Montana,
we have yet to realize that we should have unpacked
our heavy baggage we lugged into this relationship
and that we should have finished tilling our own
land before we try to grab up a piece of land that
may have been left “unsold” and untilled for a
myriad of reasons.
I know some of you reading this right now are
feeling as if I am a woman bashing women. This is
not the case for I am writing this out of love. We
can all learn from one another. We all have
something important to give and say, so lets stop
eyeing each other, not listening to one another, not
respecting one another and others relationships and
lets try to live happily and healthy.
"We are all Sisters in the struggle to remain above
ground in a world of cement shoes.
Relationships are hard. We need to learn to
become harder."
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Samone M. Smith-Brownholds a Masters
Degree in Clinical Psychology from Capella
University and a Bachelors degree from Rutgers
University. Currently she is a special education
teacher as well as counselor specializing in
relationship, self-esteem and psychological problems
in men, women, children and adolescents in both
group and individual settings.
Hungry For More
By
Robyn McGee
Author and Speaker
Robyn M. McGee
Tackles Weighty Issues in her book Hungry For More
Foreword by Joycelyn Elders, M.D, former U.S. Surgeon General
November 2005—If
you are an African-American woman, chances are you are considered to be
fat. Statistics show 70% of black women are classified as overweight or
obese. Is this a result of the classifier or the classified? In
reality, it is both. Due to their genetic makeup, very few adult,
African-American women are able to wear a size 2, the image that the
movies, music videos and magazines serves up as the body type of the
“perfect woman.” Though outwardly stylish and confident, inwardly, many
African American women feel as if their self-image is under attack by
the constant barrage of messages subliminally reminding them they are
not beautiful because they don’t have the “correct” body dimensions.
Buying into this impossible standard can be both mentally and
emotionally draining-and dangerous. Robyn McGee author and speaker knows
first hand how damaging low self-esteem combined with trying to live up
to someone else’s idea of beauty can be.
“My sister Cathy
always loved a good party. The last time I saw her, she was hosting a
friend’s wedding” McGee reveals. “With her head thrown back in
laughter, Cathy held a champagne glass in hand and was surrounded
endless bottles of wine and enough food to feed ten armies.”
Cathy was always
self-conscious about her full bosom, wide hips and thick legs, yet Cathy
was a beautiful and accomplished black woman. She was married with four
children and she owned her own business. Despite living what many
consider the American dream Cathy was forever dissatisfied with her
looks. Her lifelong obsession with her weight compelled her to indulge
in the wrong foods, at the wrong times all for the wrong reasons.
Eventually, Cathy gained the one hundred pounds over her ideal weight
that qualified her for gastric bypass surgery. Her desperate quest to
be thin proved to be deadly. She died from an infection four days after
her operation. Cathy never made it back home.
“As I look back, I
realize that Cathy’s struggle was not with her weight, but with feelings
of inadequacy,” declares McGee. “If she’d understood that her
perceptions were obscured by the societal norms and popular culture, she
would have appreciated the dimensions that God gave black women and
celebrated what she was rather than chasing something she wasn’t.”
Today more and
more African American men and women are seeking weight loss surgery as a
quick fix to a lifelong problem. It is estimated that 150,000 people had
gastric bypass operations, in 2004 about 15% of those patients were
African Americans. Frustrated after a lifetime of dieting
disappointments, sick and tired of the teasing, the insults, and in poor
health, many folks rush headlong into this major surgery without
considering all the ramifications. In fact in October 2005, NBC news
reported that 1 in 200 people died within a year after having weight
loss surgery. This number is much higher than was previously reported.
In
Hungry for
More: A Keeping-it-Real Guide for Black Women on Weight and Body
Image, author and speaker, Robyn
McGee offers a holistic approach to weight and health by addressing
their social and cultural implications. With foreword and praise by
former U.S. Surgeon General, Joycelyn Elders, M.D.,
Hungry for More
is a straight-talking, informative book that encourages readers to take
control of their lives and utilize practical ways they can combat
obesity and an unhealthy lifestyle. McGee believes that without
self-love and self-acceptance no diet or operation can be successful
long-term.
“Unless you change
what’s in your heart and mind, no amount of surgery will make you feel
whole. Without psychological change to go with your physical change, you
could risk gaining all of the weight back and still be miserable,” McGee
said. Although she is not a medical doctor, in Hungry for More,
McGee suggests trying less drastic ways to lose weight permanently
before calling the weight loss surgeon. Weight Watchers, Overeaters
Anonymous, seeing a therapist for possible depression, consulting a
nutrition expert along with a commitment to regular exercise, could
offer the results overweight people desire without the pain and risk of
weight loss surgery, according to McGee.
Keeping her
sister’s memory at the forefront, McGee’s timely tome is nonjudgmental,
sympathetic and upfront in conveying to readers the importance of
honoring themselves by making healthy lifestyle choices, being patient
and diligent, seeking help when necessary and remembering that they are
much more than a dress size or the numbers on a scale.
Hungry for More:
A Keeping-it-Real Guide for Black Women on Weight and Body Image
is due to be released in December 2005 by Seal Press, an imprint of
Avalon Publishing Group, Inc.
Advance Praise for
Hungry for More:
"Hungry for More
is deliciously informative, real satisfying food for the soul, and a
must read for all women."—Josefina
Lopez,
Chicana activist and author of Real Women Have Curves.
“With the obesity epidemic among African-American
women on the rise, this book provides very valuable information for
black women who want to adopt a healthier lifestyle. Following much of
the advice in this book will lead to a higher quality of life.” —Alvin
F. Poussaint, MD. Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School and
Judge Baker Children’s Center, Boston MA.
“I promise this book will make you feel full.
McGee dares to go where few authors do – into the heart, stomach and
pulse of the African-American female battle with hunger and weight.
This is a personal and urgent account of how women are destroying
ourselves – and how we can turn the tide away from hunger and obesity
into freedom and power.” —Eve Ensler,
Playwright.
“This insightful book comes at a critical time:
when more and more women are dying to be thin. After losing her own
sister to gastric bypass surgery, Robyn McGee set out on a mission to
get to the bottom of Black women’s with obsession with their weight.
The result: A fascinating read. This is a great book to give to your
sister, your mother, your best friend, and, even better, yourself. —Pamela
K. Johnson, West Coast Editor, Essence Magazine.
About the Author
Robyn McGee
is a longtime activist and women’s rights advocate. She is currently
Director of Women’s Resources at California State University, Dominguez
Hills, and she frequently lectures on women’s issues and popular
culture. Her work has been published in Seventeen, The
Black World Today, and Fireweed Feminist Journal. She
lives in Southern California, with her daughter. For more information,
visit www.robynwrites.com.
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God is a spiritual
being that exists within you, within others, and within the world. God
is the force that created you and everything in this world. God created
the world as a place for man and nature to coincide.
God is not a
wrathful, vengeful being. He is not a being for you to be afraid of. God
created everything in nature to work with and complement everything
else. Sunsets, mountains, and the earth itself are things of beauty. A
being that created all these wonderful things is not something to fear.
You can have awe for the works of God. But to be fearful of God limits
our relationship with Him. God is a loving being you should love.
In the same way that
all things in nature complement one another, humans are also here to
complement one another. That means that life is about learning and about
giving. All you have to do in this life is learn about yourself and give
what you know. Life is really not difficult if you look at it in the
simplistic terms God has given us.
You learn in this
life through your experiences. Those experiences shape your life, your
character, your values, your beliefs, your goals, your love, and your
reality. While you are going through your life lessons, there will be a
goal you want to fulfill. This goal is your reason for being, because,
while you are here to learn, you are also here to fulfill a purpose.
Fulfilling that purpose is like completing an agreement with God. He
gave you a desire and you have to achieve it.
When you fulfill that
dream, your spiritual purpose, you are giving the most beautiful thing
to the world. You are giving yourself as a completely fulfilled person.
This is the reason you are here: to learn, to give, to fulfill your
purpose.
Your purpose is what
you most desire. Any ambition, any goal is acceptable. Whether it's to
start a day care center or become an entertainment lawyer. The outcome
is still the same -- you are in a position to help others.
To always remember
your purpose, you have to remember that God is within you. Since God is
the creator, this means that you are, in a way, the co-creator of your
life. You can create the life you want by simply believing you must and
can achieve it. Whatever you focus on and work toward, you will achieve.
Fulfilling your
purpose is a spiritual act. Spirituality is about looking within and
looking at the world. The world is beautiful. You will see it if you
take the time to truly look at the world. It's easy to see just the
negative things and the bitter people and think of the world as ugly.
But the world becomes ugly because people don't realize that they are
the co-creators of their lives. No one has to remain miserable or
unhappy, it's all a choice.
Really look at the
world, the trees, the oceans, the mountains. All of it is beautiful and
designed for a specific purpose. Everything automatically works well
together. Your responsibility is to fulfill your purpose so that, in
some way, you contribute to how the world works too.
One person can make a
difference, and that is what you are here to do. If you touch the life
of one person, you are creating a domino effect. That person will touch
the life of another person, and so on. So always know that you
fulfilling your purpose is necessary to the world.
LESSON
God is within you and therefore you have the power to create the life
you want. When you create the life you want, your inner fulfillment and
happiness will be passed on to others as an inspiration.
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Inside Of
Me: Scratching The Surface With Shellie R. Warren
Look folks, I make no bones
about the fact that “I’m in the tank” for Shellie R. Warren. What I mean
by that is that when it comes to writers, I think Shellie is a fresh new
voice in America. I featured Shellie Warren’s writing on this web site
about three years ago. She wrote about relationship issues and I thought
her work was refreshingly honest.
As I look at Shellie today, she has
grown and matured in her writing. Shellie is unabashed about sharing her
experiences and life lessons about sexual promiscuity, sexual abuse, low
self-esteem and depression. In her new book, Shellie tells the stories of
women whose voices are missing, not because they don’t want to speak, but
because they don’t get heard. Like many other people in her life, I told
Shellie that she needed to write a book. A few months ago, I was asked by
Shellie’s publisher to write a testimonial for her book, "Inside of Me: Lessons of Lust, Love and
Redemption." I read
the then "galley" of the forthcoming book and was so moved by what I had
read I just picked up a pen and wrote the now famous line: "Shellie R. Warren is to writing, what Mary
J. Blige is to song."
I think that Shellie Warren
is the “next big thing” and I finally got our schedules coordinated so
that we could spend some quality time and talk. So on a quiet Sunday
afternoon, Shellie and I talked about her life and this very revealing new
book. Here is the Shellie Warren interview.
The Shellie R.
Warren Interview
BMIA.com:
Shellie. What's going on girl? Tell us a little bit about your
background. What was your earliest or most vivid recollection of being or
feeling different?
Shellie R. Warren:
Well, if I wanted
to be really dramatic, I guess I would say since I can remember; but in
all actuality, I knew I didn’t really fit in once I entered high school.
In elementary, I went to a multi-racial school that was filled with
different cultures, religious beliefs and financial statuses. Once I
entered the ninth grade, differences didn’t seem quite as praised. I
always dressed “Cosby-kid-ish” because my mother was a New Yorker and was
never the biggest Nashville fan; she wanted her children to be
individuals. By then I had (and still do have) really full lips and an
overbite. I had acne and “Oprah hair” in the sense that it seemed to grow
wider than longer. I just wasn’t a good fit on the physical sense and
because I was really outgoing, it made things even more confusing. I was
a like a really popular underdog. No guys wanted to date me, but liked
hanging out with me. No girls saw me as a threat, but often wanted me as
a sidekick. It was really weird. But I figured “second best” was my
destiny and so that is how I acted until…just a few years ago.
BMIA.com:Shellie you are unabashed about sharing
your experiences and life lessons about sexual promiscuity, sexual abuse,
low self-esteem and depression. Are you surprised at the success of your
at the advanced “buzz” about your new book
"Inside of Me: Lessons of Lust, Love and Redemption?"
SRW:
I am not surprised that a book like this is so well-received because we
are living in a time when people want real solutions to real problems and we are beginning to acknowledge that when it comes to the way
many of us deal with our sexuality, there are real, serious problems
there. Now, what I am a little taken aback with is the fact that I
am the one God would choose to take on such an endeavor. I am having a
hard time learning how to respond to statements like, “Your book has
changed my life” or the immense need that complete strangers are having to
come up to me and share some of their deep, dark secrets. I have been so
used to seeing my dirty, closet issues as “negatives” that to see how it
is positively affecting people’s lives at a pretty steady pace (as far as
reaching various places)…yes, that is taking some getting used to.
BMIA.com:Why do you think
your writing is so well received?
SRW:At the risk of
sounding super-spiritual, I know that it is a gift from God and so that
fact keeps me pretty humble and I think it is the humility to share my
mess that draws people. I have had many people say that reading my
writing is like having a conversation with me and to be honest, I don’t
know how to be any other way. When it comes to the professional side, at
times, it has gotten me in trouble because I am not very “AP” style. But
when it comes to creative writing, it really stands out because I think
the candidness and “sister-girl” like tone, makes people feel like they
are listening more than reading. If that makes sense.
BMIA.com:Did you have a
difficult time getting a book deal?
SRW:I had one of the
easiest times ever getting a deal. I wasn’t actually shopping my
autobiography. Relevant (my publisher) found me and asked me if they
could feature me in their magazine. A few weeks later, they asked me to
do a piece on abortion and then they offered me the opportunity to write a
book on my life. Ironically, that was something my literary agent (I am
currently shopping a collection of devotionals as well) told me I would
need to hold off on for quite some time until I gained some credibility,
but my editorial director was like, “Girl, you have a story that needs to
get out now. We’ll publish it.” A got a contract a few weeks following
the conversation.
BMIA.com:How difficult was
it for you to write this book?
SRW:It was darn near
impossible to get started on it once the contract was signed. I was in a
lot of fear and at first, I wasn’t really sure why. Since I had been
writing, especially full-time, I had always submitted personal narratives
about discoveries I had made as it related to relationships, myself, God,
sex, whatever. But when you are sitting down and writing down a series
of events surrounding the same issue, that can be mentally suffocating and
emotional claustrophobic. To top it off, those closest to me were not tap
dancing at the idea at all. My mother could not understand why I wanted
to write such a revealing memoir and my boyfriend, while he could
understand it, because he is such a private person, he didn’t like it. I
often tell people it was my “Garden in Gethsemane” moment. All of us have
times when we have to go it completely alone when it comes to our purposes
in life. I think God uses it as a “gut test” to see if we are really as
ready for the next phase life as we claim we are. That, on top of the
fact that I had to revisit so many memories---at times, it was too much to
bear. The reality is, I was given my contract last summer, but I didn’t
start the book until after Thanksgiving and I turned it in on MLK Day of
this year. Yes, what could have taken six months took more like six
weeks. I don’t recommend that to anyone on a manuscript deadline, but
everyone’s path is different and I think what that time showed me was that
writing was not the challenge for me--preparing myself for the
responsibility that comes with the words was…and still is.
BMIA.com:Having already
read your book, I can say that it is a very “matter-of-fact collection of
your experiences. Can you talk about how your mother, stepfather and
boyfriend have reacted to the book?
SRW:At first my mother
said she was telling people, “Why couldn’t she write a cookbook?” and we
did go through a series of “Why do you have to do this kind of book? Why
does this have to be your first introduction to the world as an author?”,
but after reading it (which she just did in it’s entirety last month), she
said that while she wished I had been on a road less traveled as any
mother would, she as proud of me as both my mother and as a woman that I
would be so bold as to be willing to use my past to help others. She says
it has made her more open to dealing with her past and she is at peace
that it is indeed a part of my purpose in life---to help others through
writing in this way. My boyfriend and I had somewhat of a tense time in
the months leading up to the galley release. I think more than anything
because I am so candid, direct and an extrovert, he wasn’t sure what to
expect. I made sure he received a galley along with the other reviewers;
he finished it in a day and told me that he always considered me to be a
good writer, but that he gained so much more respect for my talent through
the avenue of the book. He said it was like watching a movie. I think
because it is written in an emotionally revealing tone rather than a
physical one, he is more at ease. I know it hurts both my mom and my
boyfriend that my past consisted of so much sexual abuse and misuse, but
they both have seen so much growth as a direct result and I think that
gives them both the strength and desire to stand beside me---come what
may. My stepfather? I haven’t spoken to him in years, but ironically, I
saw his current wife a couple of weeks back, and she said, “I am just
proud of you for writing a book.” I’ll take that.
BMIA.com:What do you want
black women to learn as a result from reading your book?
SRW:That if you are
caught up in the cycle, you are not anywhere that another sister has not
been before; however, that is not an excuse for you to stay there. The
main purpose of the book is not just so women will have someone who they
can relate to---it’s not a “misery loves company” ministry. Actually,
what I hope it will accomplish is an avenue to show women that although
unfortunately a lot of the things in the book are not uncommon, they are
still immensely unhealthy and that we as women are receivers when it comes
to sex. When a man gets off of us, it is only his physical state that
leaves---some part of him on an emotional level always stays with us.
Shoot, that’s why so many of us are “off” now. We have way too many
different personalities roaming around in our being. The book is to bring
flags to things that are wrong in a relationship and to open women up to
being accountable to some of the mistakes made and to prevent them from
creating them with other men.
BMIA.com:What do you want black men to learn as a
result of reading your book?
SRW:I want my men to
realize that you play a significant role in the relational fate of
virtually every woman you involve yourself with on a sexual level. With
us, it’s never just sex. It was never meant to be just sex. But more
than that, I want men to know that they shouldn’t fall for the hype that
they are the only ones running game. Because women are emotional
creatures, a lot of times, based on our emotional stability in a
relationship, we can cause ourselves to create and believe whatever we
want about ourselves. If we want to convince you that we are a virgin, we
can. If we want to convince you that we are pregnant, we can. If we want
to convince you that we don’t mind sharing you with others, we can. If we
can to convince you that we don’t mind you being in a non-committed
relationship with us, we can. And if we want to convince you that we are
fine with things like that, we can. We’re not. I don’t care who the
woman is, if she is willing to compromise her womanhood to appease your
manhood, there are some real problems there and you will not get off as
easy as you think. But another good point for men to realize is that sex;
abortion, abuse and relationships affect them just as significantly---just
perhaps differently. A wise male friend of mine once said that men feel
the same things women do; women just react on an emotional level more than
men tend to. I would be inclined to agree.
BMIA.com:What has been your
most significant life lesson to date?
SRW:That when you have
written something as powerful as “Inside of Me”, no matter how much praise
or even criticism you may get, that is not the time to get caught up in
people because it can send you right back to where you were before the
book was written. I have told people in a few interviews that I have had
more men approach me (including a couple of characters in the book) since
“Inside of Me” has been released and some didn’t even know I have a book
out. I think men are naturally drawn to confidence, which is something
that I was lacking before. But I try to stay mindful on daily basis that
anytime you do something for the betterment of others, you have to be more
prayerful, more centered, more grounded than ever because you have set
yourself up for a whole ‘nother level of challenges. In your mess, you
were only hurting a few. In your helping, you are benefiting the masses.
Not everyone finds that to be admirable. Society makes a lot of money off
of dysfunction and seeing people fall from grace.
BMIA.com:What’s the best thing about being
Shellie R. Warren?
SRW:That she has the
power to be miraculously tenacious and resilient. She loves hard, she
works hard, she believes hard and through that, she knows that she can
accomplish much. Not much intimidates her, which I guess is the benefit
from being a once underdog. There is always a little “bite” in those
kinds of people. Umm, I think I am speaking in third-person because it is
easier to brag about yourself that way (smile).
BMIA.com:What’s the worst
thing about Shellie R. Warren?
SRW:That I can be so
consumed with the negative what-ifs in life that I often miss the positive
what-is. Abuse, even if you are a survivor of it, can make one so
paranoid, so pessimistic, so cynical that you miss out on being able to
see so many of the blessings God has for you, including his protection
from all of the negativity.
BMIA.com:How has being
sexually misused at a young age affected your relationships with men as an
adult?
SRW:Well, actually it
was the abuse at a young age that helped me in even coin-phrasing
something like “sexual misuse”. The role of parents is to nurture their
children so that they can become healthy adults. When an adult in anyway
defines a child based on their sexuality more than anything else, things
become imbalanced. Plainly put: If my own father saw me as sexy, why
would I set higher standards for men that I date? And that’s just what
happened. Because I already did not like myself, whenever a man I was
attracted to was sexually attracted to me, I figured his love, affection
and devotion would follow as long as I “gave him some”. That old saying:
first comes love, then comes…everything else? They ain’t never lied. The
cart before the horse will trip you up every time.
BMIA.com:How did you meet your boyfriend?
SRW:Ironically, his
mother introduced us for the sole purpose of two creative people
meeting up. None and I mean, none of us expected it to go this route.
But because he is so intelligent and such a gifted artist (music), we did
bond pretty quickly on a lot of levels. However, it was years before we
saw each other as anything more than close acquaintances, friends and then
good friends; which is the formula to a really healthy relationship. He
knows me…all of me and chooses to love me anyway. I feel the same way
about him. When you make the choice to love, there is something
really beautiful about that because you are not feeling coerced,
manipulated or sexually-addicted as it relates to your decision.
BMIA.com:What advice would you share with people
who are sexually misused?
SRW:To be open enough to even
consider that being a reality when it comes to where you are as it relates
to you and those you are involved with. I personally think sexual misuse
is anything out of God’s intention for sex, which is marriage, but the
reality is, regardless of where your personal convictions lie, no one
likes being committed to something or someone that is not reciprocating.
If you are finding yourself sexually-involved in such a predicament---GET
OUT OF IT. Nothing permanently good can ultimately come from that, no
matter how gratifying the temporary pleasure may be. As someone very dear
to me once said, “Shellie, you have had fine men and good sex and they
about took your uterus out.” I still want the fine and the sex, but I
want the “till death do us part” as well.
BMIA.com:Where do you see yourself five years
from now?
SRW:Writing more books,
married, touring at various colleges, having my own radio show, a column
in a major publication (Essence, I am just a phone call away) and still
freelancing. Just being a holistically better person so that there will
be no need to write an “Inside of Me” sequel. Ever.
BMIA.com:
Thank you Shellie.
SRW:Thank you Gary.
Click on the book cover below to buy Shellie’s new
book: "Inside of Me: Lessons of
Lust, Love and Redemption"
A former spokesperson
for Miss Black USA, Inc. Shellie R. Warren is a full-time writer and
speaker on “sexual misuse,” a phrase she coined to describe any sexual
relationship outside of marriage. She has been published in over three-dozen
publications including Honey Magazine, Upscale Magazine,
CCM, Gospel Today, b-gyrl.com,
DOE
Network and NV Magazine. Warren, who was named Miss
Woman of Color 2002, is also a spoken word artist and is featured on b-gyrl.com’s
compilation, The Lyristcess Lounge. She lives in Nashville, TN.
What do
you think?
If you would
like to respond to this article
click here and sign our
Guestbook
to leave a public or private statement, comment or reaction.
Thresia Phillips:
Single, Separate & Whole
I crossed paths with
Thresia Phillips in late 2001, when she was a Sales Rep for an Internet
Service Provider. Over the years, we stayed in touch and Thresia kept
telling me about a book that she was writing and that she wanted to be
featured on Black Men In America.com.
Thresia Phillips has a story to tell. Her journey
has been long and hard. Thresia is co-owner of
Next Generation Publishers.
Next
Generation Publishers was founded in 2001 by Rachel Faaita and Thresia
Phillips, two 2 single mothers who believe that you can realize your dream
if you have a solid plan and God in your life.
Thresia Phillips is a native of Fayetteville NC. She has two children,
works a full time job and runs her own company. She’s also active in her
church and in her community. Her revealing new book is called
Single, Separate & Whole.
According to Thresia,
Single, Separate & Whole
takes in to account her understanding of certain Christian principles to
explore situations and emotions typically associated with parenting as a
single mother.
I
am proud to present this opportunity for my friend Thresia Phillips to
share her story with you in the form of this interview.
Thresia Phillips:
Single, Separate & Whole
BMIA.com: Thresia, we started talking about doing an interview with
you over two years ago. How does it feel to finally have your book,
“Single, Separate &Whole” published?
Thresia Phillips:Wow! Gary I can hardly believe
it’s done. I remember just yesterday writing on scratch paper my ideas
and burdens. How I wanted other single mother’s to know they can achieve
anything they set there mind too.
BMIA.com: Tell us about your background, particularly, the early
years in your life.
Thresia Phillips: Well, Gary I am what world calls an ex-military
brat. I traveled the world with my Dad because he is a retired military
officer. I spent 7 years in Germany and in 1983 we moved to Ft Bragg N.C.
where my mom and dad are native North Carolinian’s. I have been all over
the United States and Europe. I spent most of my younger years in Europe.
BMIA.com: Let’s talk about the choices that you’ve made in your
life. How would you describe the choices that you’ve made in your life?
Thresia Phillips: Choice’s Hum… I made so many bad choices in my
life. I wanted to follow after the party scene and life style because I
thought it was so fun. But what it lead me to was a lot of heart aches
and heart breaks.
BMIA.com: You’ve been open about sharing your experiences. You were
born into a family where your needs were taken care of and yet you ended
up a single mother of two on welfare, you abused drugs and you even spent
18 days in jail. What was going on in your life and how did you turn your
life around?
Thresia Phillips: Gary, I was good girl growing up. I did everything
my parents said but something happened when I turned 18. I thought I
could do what every I wanted and didn’t want to obey my parents anymore.
BMIA.com: As you reflect on your past, what lessons have you
learned?
Thresia Phillips: Life is full of lessons. I learned a lot because I
have failed a lot. I learned life is full of changes and its how you
handle the changes that determine who you are. You see Gary I am an
overachiever. I have over come everything the world says a single mother
is. I was raised in a 2 parent home having everything I ever wanted but
yet today I am a single mother.
BMIA.com: When did God come into your life and how has your life
changed since then?
Thresia Phillips: Gary, I received salvation in Jan 1997. The bible
says that those who endure to end shall be saved. God has so changed my
life. I remember when I told my family I was saved; they said there she
goes again. But I believe now that my family has seen the changes in me
since I received Christ.
BMIA.com: Did your life change in a positive way when you started to
accept responsibility for your actions?
Thresia Phillips: Gary I spent years blaming my family for my wrong
doings. I thought I was abused. But when God showed me myself, and I
started seeing my faults and failures and it wasn’t the fault of others,
but a direct result of my bad choices and wrong company that I was
keeping. Gary I was looking for love in all the wrong places. I realized
people may have an influence over you but ultimately you are responsible
for you.
BMIA.com: Did you ever hit rock bottom? If so, describe that
experience.
Thresia Phillips: Gary, I hit rock bottom so many times I can’t
count. It was when I was tired of being at the bottom and found the Lord
that’s when I began to overcome every obstacle that was thrown at me
through power of pray and God’s word. Well Gary, so many rock bottoms, I
tell you I was homeless on the streets of Hinesville Ga in 1999 and in
1996 I almost died or could have died from bad trip, it’s miracle I didn’t
lose my mind or was last year in 2003 when I went to jail for 18 days for
traffic ticket from 1995.
BMIA.com: How would you describe your book,
“Single, Separate &
Whole?”
Thresia Phillips: It’s an inspirational guide on how to be a whole
woman. How to be the woman God created you to be. There are a lot of
married woman who are broken, single woman who are broken, single mothers,
and men God wants us all healed.
BMIA.com: You launched your own publishing company, Next Generation
Publishing. Tell us about that venture and what you hope to accomplish.
Thresia Phillips: In 2001 I launched NGP, which is a self-publishing
book company, just this year I partnered with my Best friend Rachel V
Faaita to launch NGP Music Publishing. This company is owned and operated
by 2 single mothers who hope to retire at 45, and have our children run
the company. I have 2 children and she has 6. Oh we plan to open our own
building one day and offer Daycare to our employees as well as other
benefits.
BMIA.com:What has been
your most significant life lesson to date?
Thresia Phillips:I guess my
most significant life lesson would be when I realized my children were
suffering for my bad choices. And I woke up and realized they didn’t
deserve what I put them through.
BMIA.com:What’s the
best thing about being Thresia Phillips?
Thresia Phillips:Well most
people would say she’s humble, a lot of people would say she goes over and
beyond and some may call me an extremist. I would say the best thing
about being me is I want to make a difference. If I could change one
single mother life, one teenagers life, one married couples life than I
will have done what God put me on the earth to do.
BMIA.com:
What’s the best way for people to buy your book?
BMIA.com:
Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Thresia Phillips:
Running a multi million dollars company giving back to community and
helping single mothers achieve all they can achieve with God as our
foundation and rock.
BMIA.com: Thank you Thresia.
Thresia Phillips: Gary, thank you very much.
What do
you think?
If you would
like to respond to this article
click here and sign our
Guestbook
to leave a public or private statement, comment or reaction.
Illuminating The Spirit
With Verna Ford and Audra Bohannon
Verna Ford and Audra Bohannon have written a powerful new book called"Illuminating The Spirit."
I used to work
with these phenomenal women for several years. I can tell you firsthand
that Audra Bohannon and Verna Ford have been touching the spirit of people
for years with their personal crusade to enrich the lives of others and
ultimately change the world. I read the book and came away thinking that
men could benefit from using it. Reading the book allowed me to engage my
spirit and consciousness to help me manage some aspects of my personal
journey.
Audra and Verna have
worked as
managers and business consultants for over 20 years. Many of their insights
are drawn from the patterns that they see with respect to people and their
work. One such pattern shapes the core question of "Illuminating
The Spirit."
The
first question that popped into my mind was: “Whose idea was it to write
the book in the form of a journal?” “Our publisher recommended this format
for the book. Evangelia Biddy of PMG Press had been in one of our workshops
during which some of the same principles were shared and discussed among
participants. She was quite personally moved by the power of the
concepts.”
For
clarity, I wanted more information about the nuts and bolts of the book.
Verna explained, ‘“When
asked, “Are you doing what you want with your life?” many people—even very
accomplished people—answer “No.” Consequently, they often have a difficult
time giving the job their best effort. It turns out that most people know
what they’d rather be doing with their time and energy. They say, “I do
what I have to do to take care of my family, but what I’d love to do is….”
They don’t realize that with the right plan, they could probably take care
of their families and do the thing they want most to do.”’
I asked Verna and Audra to talk about the type of
advice they would share with folks who don’t know exactly what would give
them a sense of true satisfaction. After all, there are a lot of people who
may have a sense that there is something out there that would allow them to
feel more personally fulfilled and accomplished—but they don’t know how to
get there. Ford and Bohannon have an answer. They explained that
"Illuminating
The Spirit."
is a self-guided journal to help people to zero in on those desires, put
them into writing, and then develop an Energy Plan (Action Plan) to breathe
life into those dreams. Verna and Audra reminded me that the book is not a
departure from the work they’ve been doing for the last 20 years—it’s a
distillation of it, targeted to a specific audience.
I’m very pleased that
Verna Ford and Audra Bohannon took time out of their busy schedule to answer
some questions about their book. Ladies, you owe it to yourself to buy this
book. Fellas, you owe it to your lady and the women that you care about to
share this gift. To learn more about
this very special project, relax and read our interview with these new
authors as they talk about "Illuminating
The Spirit."
BMIA: What are the
advantages of having the book in journal form?
Ford & Bohannon:
“The journal format makes the book quite approachable; quite manageable.
It’s our goal to have women examine their lives, decide what they want, and
then get to it! We tell our readers that the book is not complete, until it
holds their thoughts—their answers to the questions; their insights captured
in print on those blank pages.”
BMIA: Who were some
of the people who inspired you to write this book?
Ford &
Bohannon:I’m
afraid that answer would be more cliché than a good writer likes to sound.
BMIA: How much of
your personal life is reflected in your work?
Ford &
Bohannon:We
count ourselves as being quite fortunate to have spent the bulk of our
careers doing work that we love. Certainly, we have not been immune to
those things (fears, role conflict, procrastination) that can thwart
personal achievement. In fact having dealt with those real-life dilemmas
helped to keep our insights and recommendations, realistic, rather than
becoming too idealistic.
The
most direct reflection of us can be found in the Energy Partner concept.
When we first met in 1983, our professional collaboration evolved into a
close partnership almost immediately. Providing mutual support and a
sincere appreciation for each other’s strengths formed the basis of our
enduring friendship. Now we have expanded our own Energy Partnership into
an Energy Network.
BMIA: What is an
“Energy Partner” and what is an “Energy Network?”
Ford & Bohannon:
We recommend that our readers find one or two other
women who are ready to “get to it” and work through the chapters of the book
together. Energy partners who follow our recommendations are sure to speed
the progress of their goals because it’s harder to slack off once you have
set a realistic goal and announced it to someone who is going to hold you
accountable for the commitments you’ve made to yourself.
It’s a very important part of maintaining an
illuminated spirit—to have one or two other people in your life, who in a
reciprocal fashion, are pulling for you and cheering you on to greater and
greater heights. Now picture having that kind of support from a whole lot
of people—not always in the same measure, but reliably available to you for
advice. referrals, or morale boosting support. That’s the function of an
“Energy Network.”
BMIA:
Your book has been described as a “woman’s personal tool for living.” What
does this mean and why is it important?
Ford &
Bohannon:The
six “Get to it” Strategies are the centerpiece of “Illuminating the
Spirit.” These are the tools that will get the reader energized and
inspired to act. Each strategy addresses a tendency or pattern that, left
unacknowledged or unmanaged, can thwart action. It’s taking action that
fuels (or illuminates) the spirit.
BMIA:
What do you want readers to learn as a result of reading your book?
Ford & Bohannon: We’d like to have
them feel the joy of achievement and to know that such joy is regularly
available to them. We want them to live fulfilled lives. “It’s all about
choices.”
BMIA:
Can men benefit from reading your book? If so, how?
Ford &
Bohannon:The
concepts in the book are not inherently gender-specific. We were simply
trying to target an audience. We’d assumed that only women would buy such a
book. Our male readers have let us know in no uncertain terms that we
narrowed our focus too much, and they do not appreciate having been left
out. We learned our lesson on that one.
BMIA:
How would you describe your style of writing?
Ford &
Bohannon:Practical philosophy.
BMIA:
What’s the hardest part of being a newly published author?
Ford &
Bohannon:Realizing that you are only half way there once the book is written.
BMIA: What’s the
easiest part of being a newly published author?
Ford &
Bohannon:The
most pleasurable part is seeing people’s reaction to the book as they open
it up to a random page and say, “I need this book!”
BMIA:
Who are your favorite authors?
Ford &
Bohannon:“My
favorite author (Audra) is Zora Neale Hurston.” “I (Verna) don’t have a
favorite author.”
BMIA:
As new authors, what have you learned about the publishing business?
Ford &
Bohannon:Lesson: It’s not for the faint of heart.
BMIA:
What has been your biggest failure or lesson learned as a writer?
Ford &
Bohannon:Lesson: You can’t edit enough. Edit and re-edit. Most important things can
be said simply.
BMIA:
Where do you go from here? In other words, what’s next for Ford and
Bohannon?
Ford &
Bohannon:Already we are doing workshops along with our major book signing events—100
people or more. . The six strategies and the energy partner concepts are
generating quite a bit of discussion. Exploring these more deeply seems to
have real value for people, therefore we are beginning to give some thought
to developing the major elements of the journal into a more comprehensive
book.
As far
as next topics are concerned, under consideration is “Friendships—what makes
them; what breaks them.”
BMIA:
How do you define success?
Ford &
Bohannon:Setting goals and meeting them. It has little to do with what those goals
are; only that the doing of them yields satisfaction and development.
BMIA:
In your opinion, what are the biggest challenges facing black men in
America? Black women?
Ford &
Bohannon:Remember the title of the next project? “Friendships—what makes them; what
breaks them.” The premise here is that underneath our community’s failure
to organize itself to produce healthier, happier, more developed citizens is
a severe lack of those personal characteristics and interpersonal norms that
make for good friendships—trust, commitment, holding a shared vision. Stay
tuned.
BMIA:
How can readers of this article support you and your work?
Ford &
Bohannon:There
are several ways—First, use the book. The six “Get to it Strategies” really
do work. Our illustrator and publisher created such a beautiful book that
some people don’t want to write in it. But it can only serve if it is used.
Some people are buying two books—one to write in and one to keep fresh, and
sometimes a third one for their energy partner.
Secondly, embrace the energy partner concept. Readers will be surprised to
see how much easier the going gets when you are working with someone else
who is also pursuing an important vision. Not only do you receive support,
but there is inherent pleasure in helping another person to realize their
potential. It’s a self-reinforcing practice.
Thirdly, our publisher, PMG Press, is offering a commission to individuals
who sell 24 books or more. This program is called Helping Hands.
Contact Evangelia Biddy at 866 770 6654.
BMIA: Where can your
book be purchased?
Ford & Bohannon:The
book is priced at $24 plus applicable sales tax and shipping. We accept
checks, Discover, Visa or MasterCard. You can also order the book via US
Mail from PMG Press, 72 Cherry Street, Jersey City, NJ 07305. Click hereto purchase the book
online or call 866-770-6654.
This interview was
conducted by Gary Johnson.
So what do you think?
If you would like to respond to
this article
click here
and sign our
Guestbook
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