MATCHMAKING by Leandra Ollie 

The most common question that I get asked when I mention my matchmaking service, The Talented Tenth Connection^SM, is “What does a matchmaker do?”  A matchmaker typically provides personalized services to his/her clients in an effort to land them in a long term relationship or marriage. For instance, my matchmaking service provides services that include: 

• personal face-to-face screening of each prospective client, (as well as the matches to whom they are introduced);
• executive  searches for matches who meet the specific profile outlined by clients, (if the available pool does not have people who match a client’s profile for a desirable match);
• referrals to an image consultant and/or date coach if necessary or desired; background checks; and
• feedback regarding dates.

Although The Talented Tenth Connection^SM does not currently offer it, some matchmaking services even have concierge services that will arrange reservations for clients at highly sought after restaurants, events and venues. 

          Many people associate matchmaking services with dating services, or even online dating services, but as indicated by the aforementioned services offered by many matchmakers, matchmaking services are a bit more personalized, and therefore much more high end.  Additionally, many, (but not all) matchmaking services cater to individuals who are interested in long term relationships and/or marriage as opposed to merely meeting people for the purposes of “hanging out,” or casual dating.  People who use the services of a matchmaker usually feel they are ready for long term relationships typically leading to marriage and want the people to whom they are introduced to be of the same mind set. 

          So a large part of a matchmaker’s concern, is to ensure that their prospective clients and their matches are serious about, and prepared for a long term relationship and/or marriage, thus the in depth screening process. Unlike dating services that focus primarily on what clients find physically attractive in a potential date, similar interests, hobbies or religious background, a matchmaker will tend to delve into those matters as well as a prospective client’s family background.  What marital relationship did the prospective client observe as a child?  How would the prospective client describe the woman in that relationship?  The man?  Of the two, who does the prospective client feel s/he is most like?  These might seem like very personal questions, but these questions help a matchmaker determine what is familiar to a prospective client with respect to their expectations involved in romantic relationships, because what is familiar to a person in this regard is what s/he will always unconsciously emulate in forming their own relationships.  Of course, there are other facts that matchmakers ferret out to in turn aid clients if they did not have an opportunity to observe a marital relationship while young as may be the case for people who grew up in single parent households, foster care group homes, or in cases where an unhappy marital relationship was the standard observed.  It may also be a matchmaker’s unfortunate duty to turn down a prospective client who may be interested in joining a matchmaking service.  Reasons can be varied, but may include a dearth of desired matches in the service’s available pool of clients, an event in the prospective client’s background that may indicate that s/he is a possible liability to the service and its clients, or even a realization after the interview process, that the prospective client is not really as ready for a long term relationship or marriage as s/he may believe. 

          Additionally, many prospective clients wonder, “what happens if a matchmaker mistakenly allows someone into the client/match pool who turns out to be interested in casual encounters as opposed to getting into a long term relationship leading to marriage?”  While I cannot speak for other matchmaking services, at The Talented Tenth Connection^SM, such a realization would end in a deceptive client’s contract being terminated and their fee prorated based upon the number of introductions that have occurred at the time of termination of the contract, or the service’s refusal to renew the initial contract. 

          So a matchmaker’s concerns are many and varied, but ultimately well worth the effort, after all, who doesn’t like a wedding?  Especially weddings that lead to happy, long-lasting marriages?  For me, success is defined in those terms, introductions leading to marital content and longevity. 

© Leandra Ollie, October 2007 

Leandra Ollie, is founder and president of The Talented Tenth Connection^SM, an exclusive social network that specializes in the professional introductions of marriage-minded men and women to each other. Leandra is a trained and certified matchmaker.  She received her university and law school educations in the city of Baltimore, Maryland, receiving a Bachelor of Arts in political science, and her Juris Doctor.  Additionally, Leandra was trained and received her certification in matchmaking from the Matchmaking Institute in New York, NY.  To learn more click here to visit The Talented Tenth Connection^SM.

 

The REAL SECRET to Online Dating

The Real Secret to Online Dating is that there is NO Secret to Online Dating. 

Online Dating is simply a New approach to an Old tradition.  There are no magic or secret potions that make a date work. While there may not be a little black bag full of tricks, there are some dating tips that could lead to a treat or two! 

Whether you're looking for the perfect person, a quick soirée in the online dating world, or a friend with benefits, you don't have to apologize for actively looking for the absolutely best partner for you.  Wanting a partner is not a character flaw.  It is part of nature's design for interested, single adults to search for suitable partners. 

The success of a date depends a lot on your nature. 

For example, you log on to your online dating account to check your messages, only to find out that you have received 10 smooches, flirts, kisses (every site is different). 

Your Responses

• Option A: Delete with NO REPLY or review of the sender's profiles. 

• Option B:  Respond to each with “If you want to chat send me a message, I don’t like “flirts.” 

• Option C:  Review the profile; respond with a message or a courteous “flirt.” 

For those of who chose Option A or B - Stop looking for love on the first date.  It doesn't work that way.  Take it instead as an opportunity to find out more about the other person.  For those who chose Option C – You project yourself as a unique person – separate from the pack. 

Online dating provides you with a buffet of  “Introduction” appetizers; it’s not the ceremonial dinner.  An exchange of personal information, at a gradually deepening level of intimacy, and the sharing of some sort of delight are critical elements of the process. 

The First Date 

Now, let’s talk dating. For those who make it pass the elimination stage and on to the dating phase, let’s keep it simple.  Try not to be a phony on your first date. Both men and women have a built-in radar to detect phony a mile away.  Date deception may work on the first date but if you are interested in prolonging the relationship it becomes harder to enact a charade. 

This is not the time to admit to all your vulnerabilities and insecurities, or to share your family horror stories. Rather, talk about things that showcase your sweet and sparkling personality.  If you have a positive vibe, your date will respond in kind.  

The emphasis on form over substance in dating is one of the reasons this important social interaction seem like a shallow, trivial game that only rich and famous people can play, instead of the useful and sometimes profound social opportunity it should be. Honest to goodness relating is key to mating.  

Bonus Info: Women, don't wear anything low cut or short. It sounds like an old cliché but your first date knows very little about the woman you are. He will take you at face value and you don't want to give the wrong impression. 

Men, be specific about where you are going. This will make the date more comfortable, and will prevent her from wearing a cocktail dress when you are taking her bowling. 

Caught Cheating? 

We often receive questions about how to deal with someone “cheating” or dating several people at the same time. 

Dating Is Not Monogamy.  Dating is something you do before making binding choices or exclusive commitments. Dating does not imply exclusivity but you are treading in muggy waters--flaunting extracurricular activities is definitely unacceptable.  Dating is largely about creating and managing choices. You and the other single adults are allowed to date all you want, and as many people as you want, until that mutually binding, exclusive commitment is made.  

Please note that mutuality is required for a commitment. “In My Mind, I’ll Always Be His Lady” (Heather Headley). – It’s best to be in both parties mind, otherwise, stalking laws do apply. 

Have Fun!

It's just a date.  All you're really doing is hanging out for a few hours with a new acquaintance. Lighten up and enjoy the time.

Be a good listener. The purpose of this strategy is twofold. No one likes a conversation hog. Everyone wants the opportunity to shine by telling his/her stories. Plus, allowing the other person to talk gives you the chance to discern what makes him/her tick. If she/he talks about how all of his ex-partners are bitter, selfish, unbearable, imagine the other side of the story. 

If she/he admits to not being the “marrying kind,” that's valuable information to have early on as well. (No, you won't change him/her!). If she/he complains about how the ex- won't buy her/him things, it speaks volumes too! 

Dating is for social exploration, opening up to new alternatives, not shutting them down as fast as possible in order to avoid our peculiar postmodern affliction.  Aim to form relationships on solid fundamentals where both partners invest the equivalent amount of love and attachment to improve it over the time from initial yearn into real love.

Stacée Hardiman is a Family Therapist, Relationship Expert, and Co-Founder of MatingCallers.com.  Ms. Hardiman has helped people build self-confidence, increase motivation, and communicate more effectively.  She is currently enrolled in a Ph.D. program with an anticipated graduation year of 2008.

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Do you like these articles?  Want to see more?  Well click here and tell us what kind of articles you would like to read from our resident Therapist and Relationship expert Stacée Hardiman. 

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The Black Man’s Manifesto for the New Millennium

        I AM a Strong Black man and as such  . . .

 

• I will speak to women as human beings, not as potential sex partners, not as someone with less value than myself, not someone I must dominate in order to validate my manhood. 

 

• I will not plan out how I can get a woman into bed before I even introduce myself. 

 

• I will not judge a woman’s beauty, worth or value by the length of her hair, the length of her fingernails, the roundness of her behind or the size of her feet, and most importantly, the color of her skin, just as I would not want to be judged by the length of my penis, the size of my wallet, the car I drive, or the amount of money I make.    

 

• I will make every effort to make sure women know that they are safe when they are in my presence.  I will not touch, grope, or physically intimidate them and I will not make unwanted sexual advances towards them.

 

• I will NOT strike, restrain, or threaten a woman. 

 

• I will accept that if a woman says no, she means she’s not interested in me sexually and that is her right.  I will never force a woman to have sex with me.   

 

• I will ask my women friends, sisters and acquaintances what makes them feel undervalued, unappreciated and objectified and I will listen closely and make efforts to correct those things that I do wrong.

 

• When a woman tells me something is insensitive, demeaning, or offensive, I will not dismiss it immediately as male bashing.  I will take her critique just as I would expect someone to consider mine. 

 

• I will find something other than a woman’s looks to compliment her about.  I will make note of her intellect, her personality, her ideas, her imagination, and her accomplishments.

 

• I will acknowledge that my mother, sister, and daughters are black women, deserving of respect, and I will work to treat ALL Black women as I would have other men treat the women in my life. 

 

• I will accept responsibility for my wrongdoings, I will not lie in an attempt to get away with my misdeeds, I will apologize when I’ve done something wrong and I will deal with the consequences of my actions by facing them head on. 

 

• I will not partake in conversations with other men when they are ridiculing women’s looks, bodies, or opinions.

 

• I will remove the words bitch, ho, trick, chicken head, and all other derogatory names for women from my vocabulary because I recognize them to be sexist and degrading.

 

• I will not refer to sex with a woman as hitting it, killing it, stabbing it, or anything that has violent connotations nor will it diminish the humanity of a woman by referring to sex with her as getting “it” or getting “some”

 

• I will not define my manhood by the length of my penis, I will define my manhood as fulfilling promises I keep, in having integrity, in choosing mature solutions to problems and how I can be honest even when it’s difficult.

 

• I will speak out when I see other men disrespecting women. 

 

• I will not refer to myself as a pimp, a dog, a thug, or a baller because I will not let racist stereotypes define me.

 

• I will learn how to communicate my feelings rather than deny I have them or trying to suppress them with sex, drugs, adrenaline, or alcohol. 

 

Copyright 2007 Scottie Lowe 

Tired of seeing black women being portrayed as ghetto bitches, freaks and whores, and black men as barely literate thugs, bulls, and pimps, Scottie Lowe decided it was time to show black people in a positive sexual light. Ms. Lowe is the sole owner and founder of www.AfroerotiK.com, a company dedicated to eradicating the negative and stereotypical depictions of Black sexuality and providing customized, personalized erotic stories for and about people of color.  Her innovative approach to writing Black erotica is shattering misperceptions and opening the doors to dialogue about subjects long considered taboo. 

So what do you think?  If you would like to comment or respond to any of our content on this page or web site click here and sign our Guestbook to leave a public or private statement, comment or reaction. 

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KENA:  THE “HIP HOP” GENERATION’S VOICE ON MALE-FEMALE RELATIONSHIPS 

By:  Diane A. Sears 

         Her show “Relationship Roundtable With Kena” can be heard on WHAT AM 1340 Talk Radio (http://www.what1340i.com) in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania on Sundays from 3:00 P.M. to 4:00 P.M. (E.S.T.).  Through “Relationship Roundtable With Kena,” she has become the “Hip Hop” Generation’s voice on male-female relationships.  She is viewed by many as a rising star on the radio talk show circuit. And the scope of her creativity and talents transcend the electronic media.  She is a writer who has generated numerous articles on male-female relationships.  She is an articulate, brilliant, cool under fire, “thirty-something” with an “I-know-exactly-where-I-am-going-and-I-know-how-to-get-there” attitude.  Her high level of enthusiasm and spontaneity are energizing and inspiring.  She is a Philadelphia native who is simply known as “Kena.”   I had an opportunity to engage this phenomenal young woman in a memorable and soulful “straight-no chaser” dialogue about, among other things, her role models, how she created and developed the concept for her weekly radio talk show, male-female relationships and her future.   

       So, who is Kena? Where did she grow up?  Where did she go to school?   

       “I grew up in West Philadelphia.  I was born and raised there.  I attended West Catholic High School.  I also attended and graduated from Penn State University where I majored in Communications,” Kena responded. 

        When I asked the radio talk show diva to identify the role models she had as she made the journey from childhood to adulthood, she spoke warmly of her mother: 

         “Definitely, my mom.  I always saw her work so hard to give me things that I needed and wanted. She is the strongest woman I know!” 

         In addition to hosting “Relationship Roundtable” on WHAT AM 1340 Talk Radio in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania – the fourth largest media market in the United States, Kena also is a sales account executive for the radio station and a writer.  I wanted to know how she was able to “keep it all together.”  How is she able to find a “sense of balance”? 

         “God,” Kena answered.  “He is the source of my strength. I must admit that it is very difficult to be a Super Salesperson, a Super Mom, a Super talk show host and a writer; but these roles embody who I am!” 

          The discussion moved to why Kena created and hosted a show on relationships.  How was she able to develop the concept for “Relationship Roundtable”?  With unabashed honesty, she offered the following: 

          “Locally, there was not a radio talk show that dealt with relationship issues from a ‘thirty-something’ woman’s perspective. On the show, I always make the disclaimer that I am not a ‘trained’ expert on relationships, psychology or human behavior. But the experiences that I’ve gone through in my 32 years of life have given me a unique perspective on love and relationships. I have experienced immense hurt and pain, so I know how to be a good listener.  My listeners know that I will attentively listen, but if they say something that I think is absolutely absurd -- I’m coming for you!  That’s raw honesty that most talk hosts don’t offer. How I am on the radio is how I am in real life! What you hear is what you get!”  

         Is there a “gender war” – or a “Battle of the Sexes”?  If so, how is it affecting male-female relationships?  Is it affecting our children?  If so, how?  How can we arrange for a “truce”? 

        “I don’t know if I would say there is a ‘gender war’, but there is definitely a ‘battle of the sexes’!  Male-female relationships are not as strong as they once were, that is, financially, emotionally and spiritually.  This strain is having a profound effect on our African American children. They are not seeing mommy and daddy in the same home – loving, caring and sharing. They are seeing total chaos. We are raising a generation of children who will have a twisted, destructive perspective on relationships,” Kena surmised. 

          What do women expect from men?  What do women need from men? 

          “I can tell you what I expect -- and I believe you’ll find most women expect this as well -- I expect my man to be a hustler who provides for his family –legally, of course!  Sensitive, but not a wimp.  Strong and controlling, but not abusive.  Attentive, but not all underneath me all the time.  Sociable and friendly, but not a disrespectful flirt.  I could go on and on, but basically women want a man who demonstrates balance. I want to trust my man and know that when he goes out with his friends that he will behave properly.  I need to be spoiled, but put in my place when it’s appropriate. If a man doesn’t exhibit most of those qualities, the woman will loose interest.  Show me one woman who wants a complete ‘pushover’ and I’ll show you a woman who is a liar,” Kena remarked. 

          What do women think men expect from them?  What do women think men need? 

     “I think that women underestimate men.  Women believe that as long as she keeps him sexually satisfied and keeps her looks up and pleases him, the relationship will be fine!  But you and I both know that is not the case. Although most women believe that men think with one head, sex does not complete them. I tell women all the time, ‘Get your behind in that kitchen and cook!’ Do you know how many men I talk to who tell me that their women don’t cook for them? Can you believe that?! I was raised to make sure that my man has a hot meal. If a woman doesn’t have time to cook, then she should order ‘take home’ food. I believe in gender specific roles for women and men.  More about that at another time – perhaps in another interview.” 

         As the creator and host of “Relationship Roundtable”, men engage Kena in conversation about issues they have concerning dating and marriage.  So, what are men telling Kena?  What are some of the things that men are saying about what they expect from women?  What are men saying about what they need from women? 

         “One of the biggest conversations I have with men is pertaining to Black women. Most of my listeners are 35 and older, and they say that Black women are too angry and carry too much baggage.  Men want women to be totally over their ‘exes’ long before they come into the picture. Which is exactly how it should be.  Like Erykah Badu sings:  ‘Bag Lady, you gonna hurt your back, dragging all them bags like that!’” 

          Are men intimidated by “strong” women – women who are independent thinkers – women who are independent financially – women who know what they want – women who know where they are going and know how to get there? 

          “I think men want a strong woman who is independent – especially financially independent.   But at the same time, we as women have to learn when to shut up! It may sound disturbingly old fashioned, but women must be passive sometimes and let men handle certain business.  Am I saying that women should let a man take total control over finances, major decisions etc.?  Of course not! But a strong woman is able to discern when to talk and when to shut up!” 

           Kena’s discussion with me about male-female relationships moved me to ask her to identify the age level at which we should begin preparing our children for their future roles and responsibilities as spouses and parents? What key pieces of information should we share with them? 

          “We as parents and role models need to start preparing our children for roles and responsibilities as spouses and parents at a very early age.  I’m      talking about as soon as children start to really comprehend. Children are very impressionable. As mothers, we need to show our young girls that we will not tolerate abusive or cheating men.  We need to show our young girls that we are strong, independent and loving, but not bitter. And we need to teach young boys to treat women with respect and dignity. But oftentimes, single moms are teaching them the exact opposite. Boys see various men coming in and out of the house, or inappropriately touching mommy. What kind of message does that send to them? It teaches them to treat a woman with irreverence.  One message I always tell my daughter who is eight:  Always have your own money.  Don’t ever solely depend on a man for financial happiness because you will be left feeling empty. I train my son who is five to hold doors open and help me with chores. I believe these lessons will lay the foundation for the both of them to love strong but with a sensible head.” 

What’s next for Kena? 

      “I’m developing a memoir of my life and experiences pertaining to relationships. I have been through so many heartaches and disappointments that I know I can help women with challenges they may experience. The next step for Relationship Roundtable is to market it via the Internet and syndication. I also want to also start writing a local weekly column that will expand on my relationship topics I discuss on Relationship Roundtable. And finally…well there is no ‘finally’! I want to do it all. And I will!”

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MatingCallers.com:  Beautiful Black Singles with a Midwest Flavor

In an exclusive interview with Stacée Hardiman, Family Therapist, Relationship Expert, and Co-Founder of MatingCallers.com, Black Men In America.com (BMIA.com) gets the details on the creative side of the online dating business. 

BMIA.com:  Hello Stacée.  Thank you for taking the time to talk about MatingCallers.com.  Have a seat, let’s get started. 

S. Hardiman:  My pleasure Gary.  Thank you for having me. 

BMIA.com:  Online dating services have become one of the most profitable business ventures on the Internet.  More people are online and as a result, more people are choosing to meet new people online.  In fact, some online dating businesses have millions of members in their databases.  What prompted you to launch MatingCallers.com?

Hardiman: I was single at the time and decided to try some of the more notable or “big fish” dating services.  As a result I met some very interesting people, some of whom I consider to be friends.  I love studying people.  Discussing my Internet dating experiences with other online users gave me great insights into people and their relationships.  Shortly thereafter, I began envisioning a service that would cater to the needs and desires being expressed by the people that I interacted with.  I believed that I could build a “better mousetrap,” and MatingCallers.com was born.

BMIA.com:  What were some of the things that you were hearing from people online?

Hardiman:  Mind you, what about to say is based on my observations.  Men consistently said that women who didn’t match what they were looking for were bombarding them.  Some men felt that the women either didn’t read their profile or just felt that they would take their chances and make a connection.  This decreased the “shelf life” of male members, many of whom would get frustrated, overworked, or guilt ridden from not responding to women who they know weren’t their type. 

On the other side, some women complained about men being too persistent.  I also found that a lot of women want more information about the men.  They feel that the profiles just don’t give you a good sense of the guys.  Also, “showing, not telling” is important.

BMIA.com:  What does that mean?

Hardiman:  It means that most people like to see a photo of the person as part of the profile.  That’s the reason we have a quote on our site that reads:  “The appeal is being real.”  The belief is that a picture reveals more about someone than a simple description.

BMIA.com:  I agree with that.  I think pictures are important, especially, if they are recent pictures.  Some of these folks are posting photos that are 10-20 years old.  Stacée, there are hundreds, maybe thousands of online dating services.  What makes MatingCallers.com different?

Hardiman:  That’s easy!  It’s the experience!  We work very hard to ensure that our members have a pleasant experience.  Our site is visually stimulating and easy to navigate.  We want our members to have a unique experience and not feel as if they are wasting their time.  We understand that people have a choice and that we’re not the only game in town, so we work hard at making sure that the dating experience on MatingCallers.com has a magical feel to it.  We don’t want people to feel like they’re out shopping.  The focus is not on the “hook up” as much as it is on keeping the magic alive.

BMIA.com:  OK, keeping the magic alive.  Tell me some more.

Hardiman:  MatingCallers.com is not just about online dating.  Many people use online dating as a way to enlarge their circle of friends or to locate pen pals.  Thousands of people have joined the site; some just for a Date, some are seeking Friends and others go on to meet a Mate, and start a relationship. 

BMIA.com:  Isn’t that phrase one of your slogans? 

Hardiman:  Yeah, you caught that huh? 

BMIA.com:  I do my homework.  What else do folks do online? 

Hardiman:  There are a lot of people online who for a variety of reasons find themselves alone and simply looking for the right person to connect with.  MatingCallers.com opens the web to find a Date, a Friend, or Mate all in one location.  Online dating can provide the answer; sometimes it takes a while, but it can also be very quick and exciting!

BMIA.com:  What about safety?

Hardiman:  What do you mean?  Are you asking if online dating is safe? 

BMIA.com:  Yep. 

Hardiman:  I’m actually glad that you asked that question.  I think there is a huge misperception that needs to be cleared up.  Overall, I think online dating is safe.  However, you have to use caution just as if you had met some guy/lady that night at a bar.  The fact is that online dating is a thousand times safer than most of the alternatives.  This may be an extreme comparison.  Which is safer?  Cruising bars or exchanging emails with someone? 

BMIA.com:  Well, when you put it that way, cruising the Internet is safer.  Does MatingCallers have any policies or recommendations on safety?  In other words, if a member goes out to meet someone, does the site have any safety tips?  

Hardiman:  Yes.  First of all, we encourage people to use good ol’ fashion common sense.  It's never safe to be alone with a stranger.  When meeting someone for the first time, you should always meet in a public place.  This will help you get to know the person better. Also, try checking in with your family and friends regularly if you decide to meet someone new.  This way you're safe and your loved ones know where you are at all times.  Also, always remember; never give out your personal information (i.e., number and/or address) when first getting to know a person.  No matter what your intentions are, you should always take precautions in order to protect yourself. 

BMIA.com:  Do you have tips for those folks who are looking for love online, i.e., profiles of people to avoid, other precautions? 

Hardiman:  Definitely.  First of all, if someone is too vague in their profile it could mean that they are trying to hide something.  Also, if there are no pictures in their profile, don't be embarrassed to ask for a “current” photo.  You should also be concerned about too much information as well.  Go with your gut feeling -- if something feels uncomfortable or seems odd, it's probably for a good reason. 

I believe that the ideal situation is one that develops at a comfortable or natural pace.  Always try to meet in public and during daylight hours when you decide to meet for the first time.  Also, women should plan to meet at the destination -- do not let him pick you up at your home.  Love happens when you least expect it.  Although you may get instant results, it may also take a while to meet the right person.  It’s like tossing your message in a bottle out to sea.  You never know when the right person will find it.  That’s part of the magic.

BMIA.com:  I have several friends who have done online dating. They are frustrated because they meet people who are disappointing.  So they think that they got hooked up with a loser.  Some have stopped dating online because they are sick of meeting jerks or gold diggers.  What advice do you have for them?

Hardiman:  I would suggest that your friends try taking another look at their profile.  They should consider including things about what you're “not” looking for in a person, as well as what you are looking for.  Dating in general is trial and error -- whether it's online or not.  Part of the dating process is about finding out what you want and don't want.  Dating actually helps you get closer to your ideal mate. 

As for how long – well that’s different for every person.  It can be a couple of weeks or a couple of months, depending on how you feel about your progress.  I can tell you this, as a family therapist and relationship expert, it is my experience that those who go into the dating world (live or online) should do so with the clear understanding that they are “whole and complete” with or without a mate.  Release the anxiety of finding perfection outside of self – know that is okay to be “okay” alone. 

BMIA.com:  When building a profile, one thing I’ve heard is the importance of capturing a reader's attention within the first 15 seconds.  This sounds like you’re making an infomercial.  How do you do this?

Hardiman:  Well, the key to is to write a profile that stands out from the crowd.  It’s just that simple.  Everyone dating online should take a moment to put themselves in the shoes of the people who may read their ad.  They’ve read many profiles prior to seeing yours.  Avoid negative phrases in your profile.  Negative sentences can play against you. 

BMIA.com:  Give me an example of what you mean by negative. 

Hardiman:  I mean words and phrases that will not necessarily draw positive people to your profile.  For example, "I don't want players” is a negative statement that really means, “I want someone serious.”  See how positive that interaction was?  One of the worst lines I've seen was, "I'm tired of dating the bad ones!"  What does that tell you about someone?  Think about it.  People have to learn to read between the lines.

You will increase your chances of success by having an intriguing headline, a nice picture and a compelling lead-in sentence?  Are you being REAL?  As all online daters know, the “Delete” key is very easy to reach for when it comes to unappealing e-mail and profiles.  Keep it simple, “The Appeal is Being Real.” 

BMIA.com:  When you look at profile pictures that people put online, what are some of the general problems that you see with these everyday photos?

Hardiman:  I know it has been said to death, but again: Post a photo of yourself!  Let's face it, at some point we (and you) all want to know what the person we are corresponding with looks like.  If you think someone will step away from you because of your looks, then do yourself a favor by sorting out those shallow people in advance by posting your photo! 

There are numerous problems that I spot with everyday photos.  One of the biggest problems is posting photos that are 10 years old.  Hello?  May we have a current photo please?  Or the pics that are taken too far away from the person, so you can’t really see their face or figure.

BMIA.com:  What has been the biggest challenge so far in operating MatingCallers.com?

Hardiman:  Trying to satisfy everyone’s needs are the most challenging part of running MatingCallers.com.  Every opinion has value and every need or problem deserves attention.  We want MatingCallers.com to be simple and uncluttered, yet we get tons of suggestions for new features.  A lot of care and thought goes into any implementation that we do.

BMIA.com:  Taking a look at the opposite side of the spectrum, what is the most rewarding part of running Mating Callers?

Hardiman:  Making an active decision to help others feel more connected.  Providing the guidance to help people find each other, whether it is for the sake of friendship, community, or romance, warms the depth of my heart.  Truly.

BMIA.com:  Okay – it sounds all good, but what’s the cost?

Hardiman:  Well, right now, MatingCallers.com is running a “SPECIAL.”  We’re giving “All Access Full Gold Membership for Free.  After the special, membership packages start as low as $9.95 a month; while some of those “big fish” services are between $20.00 - $40.00 a month.

BMIA.com: What keeps your prices low?

Hardiman:  We are very efficient in how we do things.  We also benefit from being a private company.  We are self-funded so there is no external pressure.  It may be hard to believe, but making money is less of a concern than providing a good experience for people.

BMIA.com:  I believe you.  What tips do you have for users of MatingCallers to get the best results?

Hardiman:  Know that part of the experience is sort of “trial and error.”  You are likely to meet many people who aren’t what you’re looking for.  This is part of the learning experience.  There is a process of elimination that must take place.  Recognizing what doesn’t work will help you to find out what does.

Also, enjoy the “elimination process.”  When someone turns you down, it’s part of the selection process.  Someday, you’ll thank those people (who didn’t respond) for steering you in the direction towards the person you were ultimately meant to be with.  Isolation is Motivation.  It is natural to have feelings of isolation and loneliness.  You should allow these feelings to motivate you to reach out to others.  Many online daters wait to be contacted and miss out on wonderful opportunities by isolating themselves.  After completing a profile, introduce yourself to lots of people and create possibilities.

Relating is key to mating!  People often write vague or dishonest profiles hoping to attract as many prospects as possible.  But when you’re not being yourself, you attract lots of people who are looking for something else.  Wouldn’t you rather meet a few people who like you for who you are?

BMIA.com:  What are some of the future plans you have for Mating Callers?

Hardiman:  We have released a new section of Mating Callers that we’re very excited about.  “PillowSession.com” is geared toward healing African-American relationships.  We believe that the issues with Black relationships are unique and best serviced by experts that are familiar with black love.

PillowSession.com provides interactive advice services for those who want guidance that's private, affordable, and most of all personalized to fit their needs.  Our unique Individual Relationship Plan (IRP) provides specific areas of personal growth and development that allow patrons to maximize their potential, not only to their partner, but also for themselves -- and that's what really matters.  You can't be good to someone else, if you're not good to yourself.

BMIA.com:  Stacée, thank you for taking the time to share your insights with our site visitors.  In closing, what is the best advice you have for people seeking to find their mate online?

Hardiman:  Fairy tales have become a part of our image of what romance is supposed to be like.  This image not only deceives women, but also men.  On one hand, everyone knows that fairy-tale romances are make-believe.  On the other hand, fairy tales inspire us to believe in happy love stories.  For this fact alone, they have given us something we need for building our own love affair:  Hope.  Many people have lost hope, and it's time to get it back.

Matingcallers.com is providing FREE memberships.  What better time to give the world of online dating a try?  Go ahead, take a chance, and remember, “The appeal is being real.”

This interview was conducted by Gary A. Johnson, Publisher and Founder of Black Men In America.com and posted on 5 October 2005.

Click here to visit Mating Callers.com now!

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Gillis Triplett

7 Steps To Raising Exceptional African American Boys 

There are some distinct steps that will place us on the path to raising exceptional African American boys. As we take these steps, we will instill in them purpose, confidence and a sure course of direction for their future. This rarely traveled path, once taken, will produce a mass number of boys who metamorphose right before our very eyes, into men who exemplify true manhood! 

1. Insure That They Participate in Rites of Passage

One of the conspicuously missing elements in our families, communities and churches is Rites of Passage for Boys. For those of you who don’t know what a rites of passage is, I’ll define it by providing you with these appropriate illustrations.  

Boot Camp is the rites of passage into the US Armed Forces. If a person fails boot camp, they are not allowed to serve in the military. The Bar Exam is the rites of passage to legally practice law in the USA. If a person fails the bar exam they are not allowed to practice law. Law school not only prepares them for the strenuous and intimidating bar exam, it helps ready them for a career in law. 

One of the prime reasons men freeze or fail when it comes to manhood is because, truthfully, they don’t know what to do! False bravado and embarrassment keeps them from admitting their lack of knowledge. Operating under the same concept as law school and boot camp, Rites of Passage for Boys prepares boys for manhood. By the time they graduate, they will have addressed every facet of being a man they will face in adult life. Backed by in-depth training, they enter into manhood tempered, tested, tuned and confident! 

2. Insure That They Have Proper Male Role Models

Like sponges, boys absorb and then mimic what they see, hear and read. It stands to reason, we don’t want them mimicking the wrong sources. If they have no proper male role models to emulate, be forewarned; boys will mirror the next closest thing! Whether it is femininity, immature or riotous peers or Black men who are suffering from a male identity crisis. One way or the other, they are going to have role models. The question is, “What type?” 

Will their role models cause them to be perplexed about manhood? Will their role models indoctrinate them to be effeminate, passive, immoral or abusive males? Will their role models induce them to use and abuse the female gender or become criminals or thugs? Will their role models influence them to use offensive language, mock God, shun marriage, be prone to violence or engage in homosexuality?  

Mature parents who truly care about their son’s future will not only ask those tough questions. They will examine and critique their son’s role models to insure that they are being shepherded in the right direction.  

Proper male role models perform critical assignments. They are a boy’s unequaled barrier and foremost guide. As barriers, they help boys identify and reject false bravado. As guides, they lead boys through the rough terrains of negative forces and societal pressures and safely navigate them into secure male identities and genuine masculinity.  

Proper male role models teach by example what manhood entails. They instill in boys: courage, chivalry and bravery and set the tone for them on other crucial aspects of manhood such as maintaining a healthy male ego, being protectors, cultivators and providers. It’s up to us to insure that our sons have proper male role models! 

3. Instill In Them a Respect For Their Fellow Man

To respect means: to show deferential regard for; to avoid violation of or interference with; the state of being regarded with honor or esteem; having an appreciation for. Boys must learn at an early age to respect their elders, women, authority, other people’s property and the law.  

Words of respect such as, “Yes sir, yes ma’am, no sir, no ma’am, excuse me sir or ma’am, please and thank you,” must be instilled in boys as part of their lifetime code of conduct. If they are not taught to be respectful, by virtue of default, they will gravitate towards being disrespectful. Being infused with respect molds them into becoming chivalrous, honorable men of integrity.

4. Instill in Them The Value of Marriage and Family Unity

African Americans are experiencing extremely low marital rates. Due, in large part, to the fact that many Black males don’t consider marriage as a possibility, let alone a priority. Instead of pursuing matrimony, they opt for extended sexual liaisons, living together and siring children out of wedlock. One of the prime reasons they shun matrimony is because it was never instilled in them to value marriage or family unity. 

I know men in their late thirties who have never been to a wedding ceremony or anniversary. They’ve never seen the glow on a man’s face as he explains how he pursued and proposed to the love of his life, his adorable wife. They’ve never interacted with a happily married man or attended a family reunion. They’ve never sat down at a table together and eaten in an intact family setting, (i.e., husband, wife and children).   

Everything they’ve learned about marriage and family comes from dubious sources: angry Black females, bitter single moms and women whose sole purpose for bearing children is to trap a man or collect child support. Or, they are taught about family and marriage from: invisible, sporadic, abusive or dead-beat dads. Most of, if not all of the males they know, display hostility towards women; referring to females as hoes while boasting about being pimps, playas and dogs.  

One evening I tracked the number of rap songs produced by Black male role models that feature the hook, “Don’t love them hoes!” I stopped counting after finding thirty-six hip hop artists who found it manly to insult, demoralize and crush the spirits of African American women. 

Surely, you concur that our young boys feed off this demonically inspired misogynistic music as if it were the gospel! By the time they reach the marrying age, they have been thoroughly indoctrinated to believe that women are nothing but a piece of booty to be pimped.  

In spite of the aforementioned challenges, we must forge ahead and instill the importance of marriage and family in the hearts of the boys in our sphere of influence. We must do so early and often in order for them to esteem matrimony and value family unity.   

As part of the indoctrination process, we must see to it that our boys have family time: to include praying and breaking bread together, family outings and such. They should participate in family reunions and attend wedding ceremonies and anniversaries and learn from happily married men what to expect. Through these activities they will learn to appreciate matrimony and embrace and foster family unity.  

5. Instill In Them The Value and Importance of Education

The lack of proper male role models has produced another ominous phenomenon amongst African American males. Namely, the shunning of education. I won’t bore you with all of their trifling excuses. Which, by the way, they learned from Black role models, albeit negative ones. However, you do need to be acutely aware of the noxious culture they have forged. Using peer pressure, manipulation and folklore, they brainwash our children into believing that Black people who acquire an education have betrayed African Americans and are trying to be white.  

They claim that studying; getting good grades and speaking articulately proves, “That particular Black person is a sellout!” Boys are the primary targets of this sub-cultural insanity. The African American males who fuel this distressing epidemic have succeeded in their bewildering mission to plague Black men with their awe-inspiring ignorance.  

Per the American Council on Education, "The graduation rate of Black men is the lowest of any population." To right this sinking ship, those of us who comprehend the value of higher learning must rise to the occasion and instill in our sons the value and importance of education.  

We must support and honor men like: Antoine L. Medley - founder of Future Black Men of America, John Bryant - founder of Operation Hope, Robert Moses - founder of The Algebra Project, Orrin Hudson - founder of Be Someone and Maurice Ashley - International Grandmaster chess champion. These men are positive male role models who have set the standard for instilling the value and importance of education in the minds and hearts of our children. Not only must we support and honor these men, we must follow their lead!  

"Basically, I got angry about what I saw happening

to young Black males in the school system. I was

angry at the system and I was angry at myself

for not doing more to help Black male students."

Dr. Deryl Bailey, Gentlemen on The Move 

Once the masses take on the mindset of Dr. Bailey, things will change!

You may not start a non-profit organization, foundation or school, but you can have just as much impact by showing our sons that being educated IS NOT an option; it is mandatory! They must know that being intelligent, scholarly and polished is the standard for all Black men!  

6. Instill In Them Community, Civic and Political Responsibility

We often hear people talk about the lack of participation of Black males in the issues of life that matter. The question has been asked time and again, “Where are the Black men?” The answer is, “They are right where we, the adults steered them and left as them boys!”  

The poignant motto of 100 Black Men drives this point home with absolute clarity: "What They See Is What They'll Be." The truth is, “we” receive a failing grade when the test question is asked, “Have we showed African American boys how to embrace community, civic and political responsibility?”  

The good news is; we will amend our lethargic resumes as we switch gears and start grooming our boys to be philanthropists and political and civic activists. As we do so, we’ll create a dynamic culture and synergistic legacy that inspires our boys to purposefully share their time, talents and treasures for the well-being and good of humanity.  

7. Instill In Them Rock Solid Faith In God

Prior to entering into manhood, a young man must have a rock solid foundation that has been tested and tempered. One that will not waver, crack or crumble. If his foundation is shaky, flaky or suspect, he’ll travel down one or more of the worn out paths men find themselves in when they allow pressures or temptations to get the best of them. Below are some of the issues, challenges and dangers a man may have to deal with during his lifetime. Will your son(s) ready? 

● Racism	● Finding a suitable mate
● Media hatred of Black men	● Love, sex and relationships
● A volatile economy	● Marriage
● Companies merging	● Children
● Companies closing	● Divorce
● Downsizing and layoffs	● Paternity fraud
● Lawsuits	● Sexual temptations
● Taxes and the IRS	● Homosexuality
● Bankruptcy	● HIV/AIDS and other STDs
● Education and career	● Abuse/domestic violence
● Politics	● Drugs and alcohol
● Homeland security	● False charges/allegations
● Global war	● Black on Black crime
● Feminism/anti-male climate	● God and eternal life

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Men who don’t have a rock solid faith in God, almost always react to the issues of life by either traveling down one or more of these paths: giving up, resorting to drugs or alcohol, holding grudges, seeking vengeance or becoming passive, Or, they turn to: rage, anger, crime, abuse, sexual immorality or suicide. A rock solid faith in God affords a man the advantage of responding to life’s challenges, temptations and dangers with the Word of God and prayer. 

We are responsible for setting the tone for our sons. To be frank, if we fail or refuse to do it, it will not get done! We must impart to them a rich spiritual heritage. One that serves as their lifetime compass and eternal roadmap. By doing so, we position our boys to see beyond dire circumstances, hopelessness and insurmountable challenges and tap into God’s unlimited resources to help them reign victorious in life. 

Whether he is your biological son, stepson, adopted son, nephew, mentee or student, by walking him through each of these seven steps, you prepare him to become a man we can all salute and applaud! 

Gillis Triplett is CEO of Mastering Manhood. He has been successfully honing and transforming the lives of men for eleven years. A prolific thinker, he has authored the eye-opening book: Why People Choose The Wrong Mate: Avoiding The 9 Deadly Booby Traps and his forthcoming illuminating book: The 8 Steps To Manhood. If you have comments, questions or would like to schedule a speaking engagement, you can reach Gillis at: www.Gillistriplett.com.

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The True Measure of a Black Man

by Gillis Triplett 

These are strategically exciting times for the Black family. Why so? Because there is a groundswell forming! More and more men are coming to understand and embrace manhood. What is the true measure of a man? How does a man know when and if he is measuring up? Those are questions every boy, young male and adult man must know the answers to. Brethren, huddle up as Gillis Triplett of Mastering Manhood unveils the true measuring rod of manhood. “We arise!” 

What Makes a Man?
For most Black men, the true measure of manhood has been distorted, minimalized, misunderstood and at times; altogether rejected. Our markers are usually measured by our ability to sire children, our looks, earning abilities, physical prowess and other measurements such as reaching the drinking, voting or driving age. Amazingly, some boys are still being indoctrinated to believe they become a man after their first sexual encounter with a woman. 

To further aggravate this critical issue, Black boys are constantly bombarded with philosophies and ideologies that only serve to subvert and detract their impressionable minds and hearts from true manhood. For far too many of our sons, their measurement of manhood is determined by their ability to rap, dance, sing, sling crack, play hoops, tag the booty of multiple sex partners and not tolerate being “dissed,” by another “nigga.”  

The void of not having more Black men like Johnnie Cochran, Myles Monroe, JC Watts, Frederick K.C. Price and Judge Mathis, reverberates throughout our communities like the Ebola virus. In their absence, we’ve raised a nation of player playas, thugs, misogynists and Brothas who have no vision for life, love, family or community. The shameful legacies these misdirected Black males boastfully pass on are ones of mayhem, dishonor and disrespect. 

Regrettably, a large segment of Black males have unwittingly joined and are aggressively promoting the mission of the modern day KKK, which is: Kindred Killing Kindred. In many circles, a Black man shooting or stabbing another Black man has become a badge of honor. Their shifty views about life, women and manhood spews from dangerously unreliable sources. They take their primary cues from the streets, dysfunctional and broken homes, the media, music and Hollywood, counterproductive religious groups, crude Brothas and hostile Sistahs. 

In the end, until we get this vital part of the Black family back on track, we all lose: Black, white, yellow, brown and red! However, the brunt of the pain, despair and destruction will always be felt within the homes, communities and churches of the Black family. 

Brethren and gentlemen, let’s get manhood right! What makes a man and what is the true measure of manhood?  Take notes: 

Temperature is measured in degrees

Weight is measured in pounds

Speed is measured by miles per hour

Liquid is measured in ounces

Distance is measured by miles

Time is measured in hours

Hard drives are measured by megabytes

Pressure is measured by PSI
Genius is measured by IQ
True manhood is measured in virtues

--Gillis Triplett, Mastering Manhood

 

What Are The Virtues of True Manhood?

True manhood is measured in virtues. The best way to define virtue is through the telescope of manly courage and valor. It is the quality of doing what is right when doing what is wrong is much easier.  

The virtues of true manhood… 

A true man is secure in himself; unflinching in the face of the mixed messages heralded by society concerning: sex, manhood, fatherhood and husbandhood. 

He inherently recognizes his duty to God, his family, community, country and government.  

He leads with a servant’s heart; filled with love and endued with compassion; concerned about the needs and feelings of his fellowman.  

He lives by the law of all for one and one for all. 

He never sells out his family or community for filthy lucre’s sake. 

His character is marked by his integrity, fidelity and loyalty. No matter how other men conduct or represent themselves, he lives by the law: “My word is my bond.” 

He does not leave his family and community vulnerable to risks, attacks or dangers. Protecting them is one of his utmost concerns. 

His diligence in fulfilling his responsibilities is demonstrated daily as he vigilantly seeks the spiritual, moral, health, educational, social, and economic prosperity of his people. 

He never abandons his flesh and blood or leaves his family or community dangling in the wind.

He is a griot; he perpetuates the family legacy, traditions and vision through the future generations. 

How he deals with adversity distinguishes him from the multitudes of males who succumb to temptations, crack under pressure and cower under in times of challenge and hardship. 

Always executing that which is right and good for his family and community; he has the courage and resolve to make tough unpopular decisions. 

His vision of the family is a loving, vibrant, cohesive, healthy and tightly knit unit and he never jeopardizes that vision. 

He does not squint his eyes in the face of injustice or inhumanity; he is resolved to helping and improving mankind. 

He is not a respecter of persons.  

He prepares his sons and daughters for the future. 

He doesn’t misconstrue his kindness as a sign of weakness. 

His character is marked by dignity, honor and chivalry.  

He is known as a champion amongst champions. 

He is able to admit and amend his faults and receive advice and guidance without being arrogant, stubborn or prideful. 

He does not recompense evil with evil; instead he repays evil with good.  

He is a cultivator and as such, he brings out the best in people. 

He respects his elders and comprehends the immense value of their sage advice. 

He is called an awesome son, the best brother a sister could have, a true friend, a great husband, a doting and loving father, a trusted confidant, a caring and benevolent man. 

His character is marked by his good stewardship. 

He knows his God-given purpose and understands and utilizes his God-given gifts, talents and abilities for the benefit and blessing of mankind. 

This is the true measure of a man.  

May you look into the mirror of life and find yourself measuring up! May you join us, the growing number of Black men at Mastering Manhood who are reshaping the Black family into a wholesome picture of unity, love and fidelity!  

Gillis Triplett is CEO of Mastering Manhood and Director of the Naked Truth Seminars. He is author of, “We Arise! 10 Strategies For Restoring Black Love,” and author of the blockbuster book, “Why People Choose The Wrong Mate: Avoiding The 9 Deadly Booby Traps.” Visit his website at www.Gillistriplett.com or contact him at: Gillis@Gillistriplett.com.

What Every Good Black Man Must Know About Surviving The Gender War

By Gillis Triplett 

Surely you know that we are the midst of an intense gender war. A long running war that has pitted Black men against Black women. A brutal war that has produced countless fatalities on both sides. A war (we) the people could have and should have ended long ago, but distressingly, some brothas and sistahs revel in fueling this out of control raging fire.  

The sistahs engaged in this harsh gender war talk tactics consistently. They recruit new combatants and spread their negativity campaigns against the brothas at: clubs, churches, office water coolers, in Internet discussion groups, in their sorority meetings and women’s groups and of course at the beauty, hair and nail salons. With intense scrutiny they discuss such issues as why they believe all Black men are dogs, why no brotha can be trusted and most importantly; how to get even.  

The average man is clueless about the malice simmering in the hearts of the angry sistahs who choose to participate in this war. Take Dernell Stinson of LaGrange, Georgia, for example. By all accounts, he was described as a mild mannered young man. After breaking up with a woman he dated for about a year, she sent Dernell this frightening text message on his cellular telephone: "U better pray I never see U again, I swear Dernell U R worth a murder 4 & that is all U R worth," A minute later, she followed up with yet another gruesome message: "If U ever wanna do something 4 me then please choke slow & painful & die!!!"

Those hate-filled words are indicative of a sistah engrossed in this acrimonious gender war. Regrettably, Dernell came to that eerie realization after the fact. Brothas, brace yourselves because I’m about to drop some vital knowledge on you. Knowledge that will save you from the trauma of inadvertently finding yourself locked in the crosshairs of one of these emotionally embittered sistahs. Here’s what you need to know about avoiding the volatile Black gender war.  

All Black Men Are Seen As Enemy Combatants

The sistahs engaged in this war adamantly assert that, “ALL BLACK MEN ARE DOGS!” Every last one of us! Remarkably, they swear to God that no good Black men exist. You could be the nicest man a woman could ever meet, but that’s a moot point. To these sistahs, “You’re still a dog!” And as a dog, you are the enemy and as the enemy, you are branded as a lawful combatant who will be mistreated or fired upon. 

The men who fall for women from this brigade find out the hard way, these sistahs cannot be appeased. Nor will they relinquish the hatred raging in their hearts. Using their supernatural gifts of suspicion, condemnation and vengeance, they ruin every relationship and marriage they enter into. In spite of their overwhelming negative demeanor toward all Black men, they want good brothas to step to them, take a chance and prove them wrong. 

For the men who roll the dice with one of these sistahs, they eventually learn what it means to walk a tightrope in breezy weather. In his article, “How Not To Date a Black Man” syndicated columnist and author Darryl James responded to one of these sour sistahs by saying, “Too much work for what will more than likely be without reward.” She had solicited him to take a chance with her as long as he was willing to prove that her repugnant views about all Black men were not true.

Famed attorney, Johnny Cochran couldn’t win that case. Not even with hard evidence, eyewitnesses, video footage and expert testimony! If your path crosses one of these sistahs, heed Darryl’s advice. Entering into a relationship with one of these furious divas is a no win situation. 

The Weapons of Their Warfare

The primary weapons of their warfare are just as lethal as guns and knives. Among other things, they utilize the (CSEA) Child Support Enforcement Agency and the divorce and family courts. Their silver bullets are false allegations of abuse, rape and domestic violence. Be warned: they believe in winning this war by any means necessary and if a man does something as innocent as saying “no,” these sistahs have no compunction about dialing 911 and falsely screaming, “R-A-P-E!” 

Brethren, know this… these contentious women will ruin your life! 

Carnell Smith, founder and CEO of US Citizens Against Paternity Fraud, almost lost everything because one of these ticking time bombs out to get revenge. Smith had broken up with her after deciding she wasn’t The One. In this gender war that is a NO-NO! You don’t break up with one of these sistahs and walk away unscathed! His ex-girlfriend fired back! She got pregnant by another man and then fraudulently alleged Smith was the father of her child. “Vengeance is ours,” screams the embroiled sistahs of the Black gender war! “And we will repay!

Even after three DNA tests proved Smith was not the biological father of her child, this sistah still went after him with a relentless vigor. [Did she become a paternity fraud predator, intent on making him pay for not wanting to stay?] Hmmm? You be the 13^th juror. At one point, Smith was ordered to pay her 42% of his take home pay, OR GO TO JAIL! Quietly, 1 out of 3 men who take a legal DNA paternity test, find themselves ensnared in the same booby trap as Smith. In all, he lost $150,000 trying to tear free from his ex’s retaliatory clutches.  

Make no mistake about it; spurned by anger and vengeance, these militant sistahs have learned how to use the (CSEA) and the courts to destroy men’s lives. Their conduct is a disgraceful shame. I realize some people would rather I didn’t expose this dirty laundry, but I must. 

Know this: this gender war is not a game! Especially when a vindictive sistah fraudulently puts a man’s freedom and life in jeopardy. 

The Victims Mentality

No matter their conduct, these sistahs classify themselves as victims. They can get pregnant by a complete stranger whom they never intended on seeing again, but in their eyes, they see themselves as guiltless. Read the disturbing words of one of these cagey felines.  

I feel like I have a RIGHT to show anger at men because the first man I gave myself to, hurt me. He said he loved me, had sex with me and then just disappeared. After I gave him a special part of me that I can never get back, (my virginity) he made me feel like a cheap piece of meat. Since then, I have opened myself up to other men… same results. Yes, I am ANGRY at men! ALL men are dogs and I’m not going to change my opinion until a Black man proves me wrong! 

This woman willingly gave herself to numerous men. She freely had sex with them, then turned around and called them dogs. Huh? Her actions were never brought into question because sistahs engaged in the gender war have convinced themselves that their actions and deeds fall under diplomatic immunity. Did you also notice she said she felt like she had a right to show anger at men? This is a common stance of sistahs who have enlisted themselves as combatants in this gender war. 

The fact they use no discretion in their choice of men is MOOT and irrelevant. The fact they foolishly chose to be with men who are avowed pimps, players, dogs and thugs is again; MOOT and irrelevant! The fact that they freely and willingly have one-night stands, sex outside of marriage, engage in promiscuity and display conduct unbecoming of a virtuous woman is also MOOT and irrelevant.  

God forbid that you bring any of their shortcomings to their attention. Almost immediately you will be met with a barrage of hostile responses such as: “I resent that… I’m offended… How dare you… I have a right to express my sexuality… That’s an insult to a strong Black women and who are you to judge me?” To be blunt, these sistahs will not be held accountable. Not to their parents, family or friends. Not to God. Not to any man and not to any type of morals, standards or family values. 

In their minds, no matter what they do or say, they are always right! They believe they are incapable of making a mistake, committing sin or being wrong. Therefore, they cannot and will not be corrected! 

Some of these sistahs are so brash, they gleefully attend church, deceiving themselves into believing God condones their hatred, unforgiveness and cunning vengeance. Staunch believers that all men are deserving of their malicious wrath, they will never render an apology or confession no matter how sinister their deeds or actions. With their hardened hearts and victim’s mentality, these sistahs empower themselves to do the wrong thing and feel justified about it.  

All the men who made the fatal mistake of marrying a sistah soldier will testify that it was one of the worst decisions of their lives! I encourage you to learn from these men’s experiences and not have your own. 

Who Fuels This Menacing War?

The primary accelerant of this gender war is the breakdown of the Black family. Dr. Maya Angelou aptly describes this breakdown in her riveting poem, “The Black Family Pledge.” If you’ve never read the pledge, I encourage you to do so. This breakdown of the Black family supplies a steady stream of brothas and sistahs into our society who have been indoctrinated to disdain, distrust, disrespect and hurt one another.  

On the men’s side of this war, we have produced a mass number of brothas who are glaringly misogynistic. They display their misogyny by committing abuse and domestic violence. Gleefully disrespecting sistahs, intentionally playing games with their emotions and feelings.  

Cursing Black women, referring to them as chickenheads, B’s, hoes and other profane names - while ingeniously classifying what they say and do as freedom of speech and artistic expression. They will impregnate a woman then abandon their own flesh and blood without regard.  

These misogynistic brothas are flagrant and non-apologetic. They brag about being pimps, players and thugs, they commit date rape and jokingly boast about the women they have lied to, used, mistreated and hurt. They take great joy in producing misogynistic music and otherwise creating an environment that incites Black males to believe it is a badge of honor to disrespect African American women.  

On the women’s side of this war, we have produced a multitude of sistahs who are eerily dangerous for a number of reasons. Some were brainwashed by their Hollywood heroines, romance novelists and music idols to view sex as a sport. Others were influenced into promiscuity by their reckless mothers. While joyfully expressing their sexuality, these loose sistahs unwittingly hurl themselves into the HIV/AIDS epidemic that is devouring their sister friends and decimating the Black family.  

Some of them were raised in homes and situations in which they were abused, molested or otherwise frazzled. Their emotional, psychological and physical scars run deep. Oftentimes, when they grow up - they seek revenge for what was done to them when they were young. If not vengeance, they go on bewildering paths of self-destruction, devaluing themselves by seeking love in all the wrong ways and places. How does a good brotha inoculate himself from the madness of this highly volatile gender war? The only way is by becoming a conscious objector. 

Be a Conscious Objector

To be a conscious objector to the Black gender war means that you will consciously take these three vital steps:

(Step #1) Refrain from becoming a combatant. That means you refuse to dishonor, disrespect or disgrace any sistah. It means that no matter their disposition - you never retaliate! You treat all women with the highest level of dignity, integrity and fidelity. That is how real men conduct themselves. If you are a man of prayer, pray for these sistahs. Many of them are hurting. Pray for the healing of their hearts. 

(Step #2) Learn to identify these women warriors and refrain from engaging in a relationship, marriage, debate or verbal jousting match with one of them. You will get nowhere except flaming their fire and inciting them to hostility. Know this: these scrappy sistahs love to fight men. Don’t become their next opponent, target or casualty of war. 

You can suggest they seek God or obtain counseling, but unfortunately, most of these sistahs in arms are rarely willing to admit they have a problem. No matter how glaringly obvious it is. They are self designated combatants in this gender war and absolutely will not comply with any cease-fire. Not even if the order comes from Almighty G-O-D!  

(Step #3) Seek a sistah who is also a conscious objector to the gender war and treat her like a lady! This last step means you must learn how to choose your mate wisely. Yes, there are sistahs who are on the warpath, but thankfully, all sistahs are not engaged in this brutal war. The sistahs who are not - are some of the sweetest ladies on the planet earth and are well worth the search and the wait!  

      Gillis Triplett is CEO of Mastering Manhood and Director of the Naked Truth Seminars. He is author of, “We Arise! 10 Strategies For Restoring Black Love,” and has become a major catalyst to ending the Black gender war and empowering men and women to find and experience true love. He can be reached at: Gillis@Gillistriplett.com.

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We Arise! 10 Strategies For Restoring “Black Love”

By Gillis Triplett

I receive about 250 e-mails a day from people from around the nation who are searching for answers on how to deal with the negativity surrounding Black love. Many of these individuals have faint hopes or have completely given up on finding and experiencing true love. Before revealing the ten strategies for restoring Black love, it would only be befitting if we first acknowledged the beliefs, sentiments, observations and opinions that represent millions of Black men and women in America. These are their words. 

*In every relationship I’ve been in, I have always been a woman of my word. Yet, I keep running into lying, cheating doggish men who think its better to play games than to be men of character. You may not be one of those brothas, but whether you like it or not, trust me, they have given the good brothas a bad rap. 

*As a Black man I would love to meet and marry a Black woman, but seeing that I abhor the thug subculture, I have been made an outcast amongst my own. Most Black females look at me as being unmanly because my hair is not braided, I have no tattoos, earrings or piercings, I don't speak thug lingo and I don't have any street credibility. It has become harder and harder to reach Black women. What is a man like myself to do? Where do I turn? Do I just give up? Search for a woman from another race? Is there something we can do? 

* Candidly, I’ve given up on Black men… I view them the same way I view men from other races; I’m indifferent. I don’t attack them with disparaging remarks, I just tolerate them were socially mandatory. 

*This past year I counted on one hand, the number of single women I met who did not have any children. I can’t speak for other men, but I’m not going to date or marry a woman with children. When I explain this, Black women get offended! They claim they didn’t intend on becoming unwed moms, uh, hmmm? I’m 33 years of age and I have NO children, NO sexually transmitted diseases and NO baggage because I have standards and I exercise my power to say, “I’ll wait!” Why do so many sistahs keep making the same mistake? Don’t they have any standards? 

*I feel like I have a RIGHT to show anger at men because the first man I gave myself to, hurt me. He said he loved me, had sex with me and then just disappeared. After I gave him a special part of me that I can never get back, (my virginity) he made me feel like a cheap piece of meat. Since then, I have opened myself up to other men… same results. Yes, I am ANGRY at men! ALL men are dogs and I’m not going to change my opinion until a Black man proves me wrong! 

*It's enough that Black men have to deal with the myths, stigmas and stereotypes of society. We now experience a type of racial profiling from Black women. We are forced to deal with propaganda spread by Black women who passionately swear that we DO NOT exist! As a single, professional, educated, Black man, it hurts to hear this rhetoric. The stories I hear from Black women about our non-existence amazes me. It also hurts to know that before they get a chance to know you, they have their minds made up that you are a unreliable, uneducated, cheater and liar who is going nowhere in life. For those of us who do exist, they seem to want to pass us over for the excitement and lure of the street jocks they claim to despise. Woefully, this says a lot about our mentality and the condition of Black relationships. 

*Why are so many African-American Christian women single when they desire to be married? I know most of these women desire to do the will of God and not indulge in sexual immorality. 

*Frankly, I have abandoned the thought of being with a Black woman. I hate to say it -- but the prospect of any man having to go through 100 or more; angry, bitter, contentious or vengeful females to find ONE suitable mate is to horrible a journey for any man to trek. Yet, that is the norm. In the end I can see why so many black males are retreating from Black women. No one has a lifetime to find ONE good woman who chooses to be responsive and not reactive or combative. 

*My single mother struggled to raise my siblings and me. My father did nothing for us and I believe that growing up without a dad has negatively impacted me. To be honest my father let us down and hurt us so many times and in so many ways, I don’t believe I will ever be able to trust a man. Because of my disgust, I have run a number of good men out of my life. Depressingly, like my mom, I have now become a single mother. The twist is, my child’s father is just like my dad. I swore this wouldn’t happen to me, where did I go wrong? 

Although countless "experts" and panelist have held seminars and conferences and written numerous books and articles to address these alarming issues, quite frankly, as one of my elders to use to say, “We seem to be spinning our wheels in the mud!” Is there hope? Unequivocally “Yes!” Our response to the negativity is locked within these ten potent strategies, that once implemented, will change the landscape of Black love forever. What is a strategy? A strategy is a plan. 

It is the science and art of using all the forces of a nation to execute plans that secures its safety, security and advancement. Our plan of action is to restore the Black family by shoring up all of our weaknesses and marshalling all of our strengths to secure our safety, security and advancement. With that being said, here are the ten strategies. 

Strategy #1: Concerning the war of the sexes, we must issue a national “Cease fire!” The prevalent tone amongst too many Black men and women is negativity toward each other. Some women swear that ALL Black men are dogs and various men claim that ALL Black females have mean nasty attitudes. Although these statements are outright lies, these opposing brigades doggedly persuade others to adopt their cynical beliefs. They overwhelmingly convince the masses to accept their false perceptions as irrefutable truths.  

They constantly bombard us with proof negative: their love let downs, dud dates, risky relationships, hurts, unplanned pregnancies, child abandonment incidents and failed marriages. In their minds, their bad experience(s) is all the evidence needed to prove that ALL Black men are untrustworthy, unreliable dogs and ALL Black women are bitter, conniving hussies. They fuel this unwinnable war by aggressively publicizing overblown exaggerations, emotionally charged malicious opinions, harmful lies and phantom statistics about the opposite sex.  

In this war, the casualties are mounting daily and only a cease-fire will quail the storm. I realize that everyone is not going to buy into this strategy. Some men and women revel in being angry, bitter, vengeful and unforgiving. However, if enough of us agree to this treaty, we will be able to restore Black love to the masses. 

Strategy #2: We must make it unacceptable to hurt and tear one another down. In our current environment: disrespecting, degrading and tearing one another down has become acceptable. Alarmingly, our sons and daughters are taught these detrimental traits at very early ages. How sad that many of our young Black boys have been convinced to aspire to be pimps and thugs and our young girls are now clamoring after hustlers and hoodlums. Clearly, this a recipe for disaster. Only we can change this genocidal mindset. We cannot depend on our government or look to other outside sources; it starts with us! 

There was a time when our men protected our daughters from thugs, pimps and players. In this new era, we have allowed these predatory males to enjoy a cultural badge of honor. Shamefully, as they demoralize and decimate our daughters, they are applauded by the masses. It is our duty to change this mindset. We must make it unacceptable to dishonor our women and abandon our children. We must make it unacceptable to attack our men with false malicious generalizations that undermine our confidence in them.

Strategy #3: We must make a firm unrelenting commitment to love, honor and respect one another. This healthy mindset is part of the core foundation of any (strong): team, company, church, marriage, country or nation of people. It is no mystery as to how they acquire this favorable state of mind. It is simply this; almost everyone has made the decision to love, honor and respect one another and to build one another up. This is a crucial decision that each of us can and must make. We can create a camaraderie that is contagious! 

Strategy #4: We must create a safe talk environment. Currently, when a person expresses their reservations, opinions or questions about the opposite sex, they are usually met with retaliation, verbal jousting matches, resentment, ridicule or pointless debates. We must establish safe talk environments that encourage open dialogue. Until we accomplish this crucial undertaking, we will not diffuse the negative persona permeating our communities. These fruitful peace talks will serve to clear the air of the myriad of corrosive exaggerations, misperceptions and brazen lies that thwart Black love. 

Strategy #5: We must acknowledge our harmful beliefs and behaviors and change them. Because of the breakdown of the family, a rejection of morals and values and a lack of training, we have adopted harmful beliefs and behaviors that have spurned the demise of the Black family. Until we admit our faults and change our harmful behaviors, we will continue adding casualties to the ever increasing lists of HIV/AIDS patients, unwed mothers, broken homes, misogynistic men and to the divorce courts. The restoration starts with us! Or, it ends with us!  

Strategy #6: We must stop blaming our relationship and marital woes on others. This has become one of our most crippling character traits. We continue to blame our relationship and marital woes on Post Traumatic Slavery Syndrome, the Willie Lynch effect and a host of other politically correct cop-outs. Our forefathers lived through the beatings, lynchings, brazen racism, rapes and brutal murders daily. Yet, they held their families together and exemplified Black love. Know this; we can emulate their success! It starts with what’s in our minds and hearts. Loving, caring for and uplifting one another is a decision. 

Strategy #7: We must develop faith for the future. This is not a complicated task. It is an invigorating mission! As bad as things seem, we can develop hope and faith for future love by learning from our mistakes and by magnifying and multiplying our successes. I have faith in Black love because I know countless couples who have vibrant marriages. I look to those husbands and wives as one of my sources of inspiration in a negative world. They give me faith for the future. They’re out there, blessed couples who can give us a bird’s eye view on how to do love right. When we look to them as our mentors, guides and role models, faith for our love stories will rise to heights untold! 

Strategy #8: We must identify and expose “Outlanders and Interlopers.” This truth may be hard for some folks to swallow, but to say that all Black Americans care about the Black family is false. We have in our midst, outlanders and interlopers. An outlander is a Black person who shows no allegiance to the Black family. An interloper is a Black person who claims they are about the Black family. However, they exploit their own people for the sake of obtaining sexual gratification, media exposure, financial gain, political power and religious clout. 

Whether they’re selling crack cocaine, inciting immorality, making and marketing demoralizing music, pimping parishioners or bartering votes behind closed doors, these Black men and women undermine the Black family without any guilt or shame to their games. Our message to them must be clear, firm and relentless; you’ve betrayed us! Therefore, we reject your purported leadership, high acclaim, amazing talents and political and financial accomplishments. We will be pawns for no one! 

Strategy #9: Our men must rise to the challenge of training our boys to be men. For centuries, it was the charge of the elders in the community to take the boys from the arms of their mothers and mold them into honorable men. Rites of Passage, rigorous mentoring and training were the standard. As time progressed, many men failed to see the significance of this crucial facet of a young boy's life and some women outright objected to it. Consequently, the men ceased to men train our boys and the cataclysmic genocidal cycle was in full effect. 

The new mentors became: single mothers, the hood, pimps, players, ballers, shot callers, rappers, the penal system, juvenile detention centers, hip hop and foster homes. The resultant effect, our young boys lost their way. They enter into adulthood with a subverted view of manhood that leaves them: confused, frustrated, hopeless and glaringly misogynistic. We can positively change their outlook in life, but only if two things happen: (a) our men take the charge of fathering and mentoring boys seriously, and (b) our women wholeheartedly support us. Know this; very little will change in the Black family until we properly deal with this critical issue of raising our boys right. 

Strategy #10: We must convince our men and women to receive proper training before dating or marrying. Most African American men and women learn about risky relationships the hard way; by firsthand experience. They add their names to the long list of individuals who chose the wrong mate or who unwittingly became the wrong mate. They could’ve easily avoided being left pregnant and alone, abused, infected with HIV/AIDS virus, in an abortion clinic or in a divorce court, had they been armed with (proper) knowledge about love, sex, relationships and marriage.  

This lack of (proper) knowledge is one of the major epidemics decimating the Black family. We have ignored this truth for far too long! Starting with our parents, churches and other leaders, we must take charge and show others the way, the truth and the light! We accomplish this by convincing the masses of the vital importance of properly preparing for love. Is it a major task? “Yes!” But it’s one we will attain because in times of turmoil, we have always risen to the challenge.  

This is (our) strategy for restoring Black love. The Black family will experience a renaissance as you become part of the solution by joining this revolution! The mathematical equation is simple; strong people build strong relationships, strong relationships build strong families, strong families build strong communities and strong communities build strong nations. This is our time to turn back the hand of hopelessness and despair. We can do it! Let us arise and go up at once, for we are well able to take the land!  

     Gillis Triplett is CEO of Mastering Manhood, Director of the Naked Truth Seminars and author of the eye-opening book, Why People Choose The Wrong Mate: Avoiding The 9 Deadly Booby Traps. If you have questions, comments or would like to schedule speaking engagements, you can reach Gillis at www.Gillistriplett.com.

Copyright © Gillis Triplett. 2005 - All Rights Reserved.

 

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