MATCHMAKING by Leandra Ollie 

The most common question that I get asked when I mention my matchmaking service, The Talented Tenth Connection^SM, is “What does a matchmaker do?”  A matchmaker typically provides personalized services to his/her clients in an effort to land them in a long term relationship or marriage. For instance, my matchmaking service provides services that include: 

• personal face-to-face screening of each prospective client, (as well as the matches to whom they are introduced);
• executive  searches for matches who meet the specific profile outlined by clients, (if the available pool does not have people who match a client’s profile for a desirable match);
• referrals to an image consultant and/or date coach if necessary or desired; background checks; and
• feedback regarding dates.

Although The Talented Tenth Connection^SM does not currently offer it, some matchmaking services even have concierge services that will arrange reservations for clients at highly sought after restaurants, events and venues. 

          Many people associate matchmaking services with dating services, or even online dating services, but as indicated by the aforementioned services offered by many matchmakers, matchmaking services are a bit more personalized, and therefore much more high end.  Additionally, many, (but not all) matchmaking services cater to individuals who are interested in long term relationships and/or marriage as opposed to merely meeting people for the purposes of “hanging out,” or casual dating.  People who use the services of a matchmaker usually feel they are ready for long term relationships typically leading to marriage and want the people to whom they are introduced to be of the same mind set. 

          So a large part of a matchmaker’s concern, is to ensure that their prospective clients and their matches are serious about, and prepared for a long term relationship and/or marriage, thus the in depth screening process. Unlike dating services that focus primarily on what clients find physically attractive in a potential date, similar interests, hobbies or religious background, a matchmaker will tend to delve into those matters as well as a prospective client’s family background.  What marital relationship did the prospective client observe as a child?  How would the prospective client describe the woman in that relationship?  The man?  Of the two, who does the prospective client feel s/he is most like?  These might seem like very personal questions, but these questions help a matchmaker determine what is familiar to a prospective client with respect to their expectations involved in romantic relationships, because what is familiar to a person in this regard is what s/he will always unconsciously emulate in forming their own relationships.  Of course, there are other facts that matchmakers ferret out to in turn aid clients if they did not have an opportunity to observe a marital relationship while young as may be the case for people who grew up in single parent households, foster care group homes, or in cases where an unhappy marital relationship was the standard observed.  It may also be a matchmaker’s unfortunate duty to turn down a prospective client who may be interested in joining a matchmaking service.  Reasons can be varied, but may include a dearth of desired matches in the service’s available pool of clients, an event in the prospective client’s background that may indicate that s/he is a possible liability to the service and its clients, or even a realization after the interview process, that the prospective client is not really as ready for a long term relationship or marriage as s/he may believe. 

          Additionally, many prospective clients wonder, “what happens if a matchmaker mistakenly allows someone into the client/match pool who turns out to be interested in casual encounters as opposed to getting into a long term relationship leading to marriage?”  While I cannot speak for other matchmaking services, at The Talented Tenth Connection^SM, such a realization would end in a deceptive client’s contract being terminated and their fee prorated based upon the number of introductions that have occurred at the time of termination of the contract, or the service’s refusal to renew the initial contract. 

          So a matchmaker’s concerns are many and varied, but ultimately well worth the effort, after all, who doesn’t like a wedding?  Especially weddings that lead to happy, long-lasting marriages?  For me, success is defined in those terms, introductions leading to marital content and longevity. 

© Leandra Ollie, October 2007 

Leandra Ollie, is founder and president of The Talented Tenth Connection^SM, an exclusive social network that specializes in the professional introductions of marriage-minded men and women to each other. Leandra is a trained and certified matchmaker.  She received her university and law school educations in the city of Baltimore, Maryland, receiving a Bachelor of Arts in political science, and her Juris Doctor.  Additionally, Leandra was trained and received her certification in matchmaking from the Matchmaking Institute in New York, NY.  To learn more click here to visit The Talented Tenth Connection^SM.

 

The REAL SECRET to Online Dating

The Real Secret to Online Dating is that there is NO Secret to Online Dating. 

Online Dating is simply a New approach to an Old tradition.  There are no magic or secret potions that make a date work. While there may not be a little black bag full of tricks, there are some dating tips that could lead to a treat or two! 

Whether you're looking for the perfect person, a quick soirée in the online dating world, or a friend with benefits, you don't have to apologize for actively looking for the absolutely best partner for you.  Wanting a partner is not a character flaw.  It is part of nature's design for interested, single adults to search for suitable partners. 

The success of a date depends a lot on your nature. 

For example, you log on to your online dating account to check your messages, only to find out that you have received 10 smooches, flirts, kisses (every site is different). 

Your Responses

• Option A: Delete with NO REPLY or review of the sender's profiles. 

• Option B:  Respond to each with “If you want to chat send me a message, I don’t like “flirts.” 

• Option C:  Review the profile; respond with a message or a courteous “flirt.” 

For those of who chose Option A or B - Stop looking for love on the first date.  It doesn't work that way.  Take it instead as an opportunity to find out more about the other person.  For those who chose Option C – You project yourself as a unique person – separate from the pack. 

Online dating provides you with a buffet of  “Introduction” appetizers; it’s not the ceremonial dinner.  An exchange of personal information, at a gradually deepening level of intimacy, and the sharing of some sort of delight are critical elements of the process. 

The First Date 

Now, let’s talk dating. For those who make it pass the elimination stage and on to the dating phase, let’s keep it simple.  Try not to be a phony on your first date. Both men and women have a built-in radar to detect phony a mile away.  Date deception may work on the first date but if you are interested in prolonging the relationship it becomes harder to enact a charade. 

This is not the time to admit to all your vulnerabilities and insecurities, or to share your family horror stories. Rather, talk about things that showcase your sweet and sparkling personality.  If you have a positive vibe, your date will respond in kind.  

The emphasis on form over substance in dating is one of the reasons this important social interaction seem like a shallow, trivial game that only rich and famous people can play, instead of the useful and sometimes profound social opportunity it should be. Honest to goodness relating is key to mating.  

Bonus Info: Women, don't wear anything low cut or short. It sounds like an old cliché but your first date knows very little about the woman you are. He will take you at face value and you don't want to give the wrong impression. 

Men, be specific about where you are going. This will make the date more comfortable, and will prevent her from wearing a cocktail dress when you are taking her bowling. 

Caught Cheating? 

We often receive questions about how to deal with someone “cheating” or dating several people at the same time. 

Dating Is Not Monogamy.  Dating is something you do before making binding choices or exclusive commitments. Dating does not imply exclusivity but you are treading in muggy waters--flaunting extracurricular activities is definitely unacceptable.  Dating is largely about creating and managing choices. You and the other single adults are allowed to date all you want, and as many people as you want, until that mutually binding, exclusive commitment is made.  

Please note that mutuality is required for a commitment. “In My Mind, I’ll Always Be His Lady” (Heather Headley). – It’s best to be in both parties mind, otherwise, stalking laws do apply. 

Have Fun!

It's just a date.  All you're really doing is hanging out for a few hours with a new acquaintance. Lighten up and enjoy the time.

Be a good listener. The purpose of this strategy is twofold. No one likes a conversation hog. Everyone wants the opportunity to shine by telling his/her stories. Plus, allowing the other person to talk gives you the chance to discern what makes him/her tick. If she/he talks about how all of his ex-partners are bitter, selfish, unbearable, imagine the other side of the story. 

If she/he admits to not being the “marrying kind,” that's valuable information to have early on as well. (No, you won't change him/her!). If she/he complains about how the ex- won't buy her/him things, it speaks volumes too! 

Dating is for social exploration, opening up to new alternatives, not shutting them down as fast as possible in order to avoid our peculiar postmodern affliction.  Aim to form relationships on solid fundamentals where both partners invest the equivalent amount of love and attachment to improve it over the time from initial yearn into real love.

Stacée Hardiman is a Family Therapist, Relationship Expert, and Co-Founder of MatingCallers.com.  Ms. Hardiman has helped people build self-confidence, increase motivation, and communicate more effectively.  She is currently enrolled in a Ph.D. program with an anticipated graduation year of 2008.

---

Do you like these articles?  Want to see more?  Well click here and tell us what kind of articles you would like to read from our resident Therapist and Relationship expert Stacée Hardiman. 

---

The Black Man’s Manifesto for the New Millennium

        I AM a Strong Black man and as such  . . .

 

• I will speak to women as human beings, not as potential sex partners, not as someone with less value than myself, not someone I must dominate in order to validate my manhood. 

 

• I will not plan out how I can get a woman into bed before I even introduce myself. 

 

• I will not judge a woman’s beauty, worth or value by the length of her hair, the length of her fingernails, the roundness of her behind or the size of her feet, and most importantly, the color of her skin, just as I would not want to be judged by the length of my penis, the size of my wallet, the car I drive, or the amount of money I make.    

 

• I will make every effort to make sure women know that they are safe when they are in my presence.  I will not touch, grope, or physically intimidate them and I will not make unwanted sexual advances towards them.

 

• I will NOT strike, restrain, or threaten a woman. 

 

• I will accept that if a woman says no, she means she’s not interested in me sexually and that is her right.  I will never force a woman to have sex with me.   

 

• I will ask my women friends, sisters and acquaintances what makes them feel undervalued, unappreciated and objectified and I will listen closely and make efforts to correct those things that I do wrong.

 

• When a woman tells me something is insensitive, demeaning, or offensive, I will not dismiss it immediately as male bashing.  I will take her critique just as I would expect someone to consider mine. 

 

• I will find something other than a woman’s looks to compliment her about.  I will make note of her intellect, her personality, her ideas, her imagination, and her accomplishments.

 

• I will acknowledge that my mother, sister, and daughters are black women, deserving of respect, and I will work to treat ALL Black women as I would have other men treat the women in my life. 

 

• I will accept responsibility for my wrongdoings, I will not lie in an attempt to get away with my misdeeds, I will apologize when I’ve done something wrong and I will deal with the consequences of my actions by facing them head on. 

 

• I will not partake in conversations with other men when they are ridiculing women’s looks, bodies, or opinions.

 

• I will remove the words bitch, ho, trick, chicken head, and all other derogatory names for women from my vocabulary because I recognize them to be sexist and degrading.

 

• I will not refer to sex with a woman as hitting it, killing it, stabbing it, or anything that has violent connotations nor will it diminish the humanity of a woman by referring to sex with her as getting “it” or getting “some”

 

• I will not define my manhood by the length of my penis, I will define my manhood as fulfilling promises I keep, in having integrity, in choosing mature solutions to problems and how I can be honest even when it’s difficult.

 

• I will speak out when I see other men disrespecting women. 

 

• I will not refer to myself as a pimp, a dog, a thug, or a baller because I will not let racist stereotypes define me.

 

• I will learn how to communicate my feelings rather than deny I have them or trying to suppress them with sex, drugs, adrenaline, or alcohol. 

 

Copyright 2007 Scottie Lowe 

Tired of seeing black women being portrayed as ghetto bitches, freaks and whores, and black men as barely literate thugs, bulls, and pimps, Scottie Lowe decided it was time to show black people in a positive sexual light. Ms. Lowe is the sole owner and founder of www.AfroerotiK.com, a company dedicated to eradicating the negative and stereotypical depictions of Black sexuality and providing customized, personalized erotic stories for and about people of color.  Her innovative approach to writing Black erotica is shattering misperceptions and opening the doors to dialogue about subjects long considered taboo. 

So what do you think?  If you would like to comment or respond to any of our content on this page or web site click here and sign our Guestbook to leave a public or private statement, comment or reaction. 

---

KENA:  THE “HIP HOP” GENERATION’S VOICE ON MALE-FEMALE RELATIONSHIPS 

By:  Diane A. Sears 

         Her show “Relationship Roundtable With Kena” can be heard on WHAT AM 1340 Talk Radio (http://www.what1340i.com) in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania on Sundays from 3:00 P.M. to 4:00 P.M. (E.S.T.).  Through “Relationship Roundtable With Kena,” she has become the “Hip Hop” Generation’s voice on male-female relationships.  She is viewed by many as a rising star on the radio talk show circuit. And the scope of her creativity and talents transcend the electronic media.  She is a writer who has generated numerous articles on male-female relationships.  She is an articulate, brilliant, cool under fire, “thirty-something” with an “I-know-exactly-where-I-am-going-and-I-know-how-to-get-there” attitude.  Her high level of enthusiasm and spontaneity are energizing and inspiring.  She is a Philadelphia native who is simply known as “Kena.”   I had an opportunity to engage this phenomenal young woman in a memorable and soulful “straight-no chaser” dialogue about, among other things, her role models, how she created and developed the concept for her weekly radio talk show, male-female relationships and her future.   

       So, who is Kena? Where did she grow up?  Where did she go to school?   

       “I grew up in West Philadelphia.  I was born and raised there.  I attended West Catholic High School.  I also attended and graduated from Penn State University where I majored in Communications,” Kena responded. 

        When I asked the radio talk show diva to identify the role models she had as she made the journey from childhood to adulthood, she spoke warmly of her mother: 

         “Definitely, my mom.  I always saw her work so hard to give me things that I needed and wanted. She is the strongest woman I know!” 

         In addition to hosting “Relationship Roundtable” on WHAT AM 1340 Talk Radio in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania – the fourth largest media market in the United States, Kena also is a sales account executive for the radio station and a writer.  I wanted to know how she was able to “keep it all together.”  How is she able to find a “sense o