"One of the
biggest mistakes you can make in a relationship is selecting a mate
that you think you know and hoping that they turn out to be
the person of your dreams. Love, or what you think is love, may
prevent you from asking the tough questions in a relationship.
Sometimes the person that you need to direct the tough questions to
Hey! I'm Snooky the Cab
Some say I'm the most famous (and most controversial) Taxi Cab Driver in
America. I give advice on women,
relationships, jobs and other things that cause problems in your life.
I only have one rule: "Don't ask the question, if you really don't
want to hear the answer." Writing a letter to me is like going on
The Jerry Springer Show---you know what you're gonna get. If you don't like my advice
(which is FREE) or feel that you need a second opinion, then I strongly
recommend that you PAY for some advice (which will sound a lot like what I
already told you with just bigger words). It's your money. In any
event, you should always seek competent professional advice before acting upon the information contained
Click here to
Hi: I'm a 42 year old
female whose been knowing my boyfriend
now since I was 22. A few times we
have gotten into arguments and he
mentioned that he would be happy if I
found another man. When I suggested that
we just end the relationship he
apologized and started saying that he
was just kidding. What do you think I
should do? Our relationship is one
of no sex, no affection, no
communication and quite frankly no love.
I just wanted a second opinion because I
am actually planning to end the
is the easiest letter that I've had to
answer all year. You already know what
you should do. But you wanted a
second opinion, so here it is:
"End the relationship for all of the
reasons that you outlined in your
letter." Life is too short.
I have the sense that you deserve
I hope this letter finds
you having a great day.
I'm usually the one
giving the advice, but since it is my
situation, I can't see so clear into the
reality of it all.
I need the heartfelt
truth from the heart and mind of a man
about men. I could stay on here for days
with quite a few questions and would
love to dive deep into answers. These
relationship problems have been going on
for some time and I haven't talked to
I have been in love with
this guy for 3 years. He even moved in
with myself and my two older children.
That's when the problems
1. He wasn't much a fan
of my parenting skills and made it quite
clear that they didn't respect me and I
needed to handle things different...like
make sure they did the dishes, and they
can't have a cup or plate left in their
bedrooms and if they do... he would
start to put them on their beds. My
children didn't care for him to much
(their dad walked out on us so they
weren't big on another man with their
mom. It would always become an argument
(to him anyway). I feel he put to much
time into their behavior rather then
making the foundation of our
relationship first. after 9 months, he
moved out saying he couldn't take it
anymore. He moved back home to his mom's
house. Ages... he is 44 now and I am 48
(a young 48) lol
2. He says he hates to
argue..and I know he came out a
relationship that they argued a lot.
When he hears something he doesn't
like...and gets frustrated... he says
"I can't do this...I'm done". We won't
speak for a
1-3 days...and he calls
me to say "I hate arguing and when I
say that's enough... just learn to quite
3. We stuck it out though
and he says he want's a future with me.
He recently over 2000 miles back to
where he lived for 15 years. His older
sons are there and some other family. He
said he was going to get himself
together, grow up, get a job (he wasn't
working before he left) and send for me
when things got setteled if I want to
join him. He has called me everyday
since being there (a few months) and for
the last month, has aked me to come
there and is really pressing me to come.
He says things like "why aren't you
here" I want you here like yesterday".
"I miss you so much" "you're the one I
want to wake up with everyday for the
rest of my life"...etc... But... I also
found out he has been on dating sites
OH ABOUT 10 OF THEM!!!!!!!! The same
time he is telling me all this love
talk, he is on on-line dating sites. I
went on some of the sites and found
him...so, I made myself up a little
acct. and went on myself to see if he
would talk to me and to see just what he
would say. Well he did talk to me...he
ended up telling this girl (me) how he
had a bad relationship back home but
what a great lady I am and would never
say anything bad.
I let him know I knew
everything. Then I just didn't speak to
him for 2 weeks. He called to say he was
sorry and he knows im hurt...but he says
the main problem was... that Im not
there. He wants me to come there so he
can treat me the way I want to be
4. I have a house in deep
foreclosure...(he says Im putting that
ahead of him )
5. I have 2 children who
depend on me still
6. I'm still dealing with
in court with my ex over child support
7. My dad lives by
himself and starting to forget
everything and is grieving the loss of
his wife/my mom.
8. This is far away...I
would be leaving everything behind and
just jump on a plane
9 and to top it off...he
says we are not together but If i
decided to go we would be.
Hope this letter isn't to
hard to handle, If so I will
understand...like one of my friends
say...girl your in some pickle.
Thanks for your time,
Holding It together in
Holding It Together in NY:
No letter yet has been too strong for me
to answer. OK. Where do I start? How
about from the beginning. I'll try and
use bullet points to highlight the key
areas for you to consider. I'm gonna
give it to you straight with no chaser.
The difference in how you two parent
will not go away. But that issue pales
in comparison to the rest of this
letter. I'm not quite sure why you let
him move it, but that's not the crux of
this letter so I will move on.
I gotta tell you, I was a little uneasy
to read that he moved away to get
himself together, grow up and get a
job. You shouldn't have to move away to
get those things. In fact, he should
have HAD those things BEFORE he move it.
(I know, I said I was going to look
forward and leave that moving in issue
Let's get to the dating sites. As you
say "ABOUT 10 OF THEM!" This is where
you "pump your brakes," come to a
complete STOP and "Just Say No!"
Brother man was BUSTED. Of course he's
going to apologize. It was not lost on
me that he apologized but NEVER accepted
responsibility for lying and being
decietful. He put the blame on you by
saying he did that because you weren't
there. Let me translate that for you:
"If you are not here with me I cannot be
honest and faithful." You are dealing
with a Man/Child.
You list 9 reasons why it would be
difficult for you to leave.
Here's the bottom line. If you leave
and go to him, you will have NO support
system and will lose any independence
that you have. You will be more
dependent on him and that is not SMART
for a mother of two children who need
her. Moving to join him makes you very
vulnerable and will surely lead to
self-doubt and unhappiness.
Don't do it! Let him grow up. He
should be able to grow up without you
being there. If he can't leave his ass
there. Do not lower your standards and
relocate. Put your attention on making
a better life for you and your kids and
That's how I see it.
Hope this helps.
You made a
good point in the advice you gave me. I
wish I would have read your advice
earlier because I failed with the Marine
I took a
day off. After my Marine friend got
through playing golf this morning, he
texted me. I told him I was home. He
asked to come over. I said, "Yes." I
figured this would be a good time and a
quiet time since my son was at school to
END the relationship.
over, he hugged me and tried to give me
a passionate kiss. But I pulled away.
Here's the dialogue.
"Baby what's wrong?"
wow, you have silver strings of hair in
your beard. I didn't notice that the
last time we met."
"Yes just like your silver strings in
your hair. So who's older than you?"
I am the oldest. We go to Starbucks and
pick up two Lattes and come back to my
He immediately gives me another hug, he
picks me up, and my bedroom door is
open. He takes me in there; lays me on
stop him. "I said, "We need to seriously
"I know. I know. You can have my
undivided attention later. But right
now, my body is about to explode." He
pulls up my dress, I have no panties on,
he get's up, and he goes to my bathroom,
comes out with a big towel and place it
underneath me. He raises my dress back
up again, supports my thigh in an upward
level, "Let's see how this Latté taste
with this kind of cream." He pours the
warm beverage on my pussy and starts
licking the coffee off. He repeats it
3 or 4 more times.
In all of
my life, I never had that done before,
but that was exciting! It was a
different sensational feeling. Next
thing I knew, his manhood was thrusting
inside my pussy with all of his might.
He started dripping with sweat! Then
that last thrust; he let out a LOUD
moan; Then his body collapsed on top of
"You make me so vulnerable."
like you also."
Please don't mess up my good nut."
"Fine!" I got up to cleaned myself, came
back and cleaned him. Went back to the
bathroom and got dress, when I came out
he was already dress. I had to leave to
go and pick up my son so he left also.
But he promise we were going to really
talk the next time. Which will be this
how do I break up with this guy?
lady, if you cannot control your
emotions then do not get in the same
room with the young Marine. I’ve never
met you, but you are obviously one hot
babe and you must have a sensuality
about you that make you irresistible to
men. That being said, you can’t keep
having sex with the guy and telling me
that you don’t want to be with him. You
enjoy the sex, you enjoy his company and
he’s not hitting you up for money. It
seems to me that this is a nice guy. I
read what you said about the age
difference. Make up your mind. Tell
the guy that you are not looking for a
long term relationship. Tell him that
he is a “boy toy” for you. If he
doesn’t like it, you will not see him
again. It’s just that simple. And yes,
send him an e-mail message and do not
see him again or let him in your home if
you really don’t want to see him. Every
time he gets a chance to see you, he
will want to have sex with you. He
can’t help it, apparently you are sexual
dynamo. I would love to see what you
look like. Why don’t you send your boy
Snooky some sexy pics so I can see what
all the fuss is about surrounding you.
It has been
several years since I have used your
advice – which by the way was helpful.
Now I need you again. I am currently 43
years old, divorced, not rich and I have
one terrific teenage son. Reality is
setting in for me. In the next five
years or so, my son will be off to
Fear of being
alone, I started looking for a cuddly
companion, preferably a guy around my
age or just a little bit older who is
established, been married before, who’s
kid(s) are grown and who’s just looking
for a part-time companion.
However, I came
across someone way younger. This guy is
28-years old. Really mature; but just
beginning to really start his life.
When, I told my
girl friends about his age, they said to
me, “Yippee! U go Cougar, use that Black
So I had some
fun with him, and I thought it would be
over quickly and we would go our
separate ways. However, this guy does
not wish to go away. He wants to stick
What for? He is
very intelligent, he has a college
degree from Morehouse and is a Reservist
in the Marines. On top of that he has a
law degree and recently passed the bar
exam. Did I mention that he is an
incredibly decent guy?
I have hinted to
him over and over; that he should go out
and social network, focus on his career,
find the woman of his dreams, get
married and start his own family.
Snooky, my factory been shut down! No
more babies coming through me.
Also, I really
don’t want to be bothered with a younger
man. He’s 28 and I am 43 years old. I
do not look like I am 43 years old, nor
do I, dress or act very young. But he
was surprised about my age.
Here is how we
met. About a month ago, we met while I
was on my lunch break. I did flirt with
him first. He took my number. We
talked on the phone a lot, and then
after three weeks, we finally had a nice
date, watching the sunset go down, with
wine and kibbles. I have no doubt the
wine relaxed us and before we knew it,
we ended up in a hotel having crazy wild
morning, no remorse, no shame, the
understanding between us, was that it
was just a one night stand. Which was
Two days later
after our date, he kept texting and
calling me, till I picked up the phone.
He said that he missed me, I was
different, and that he would like to
taste more of me (blah, blah, blah).
I thought what
he said was ALL cute, but I brushed him
off hoping he would get the hint. Well
he refused to understand. So I reminded
him, what we talked about when we last
departed. He pretended he did not
remember, but what he did remember how I
was so wet and how my body responded to
his manhood, along with his kisses and
Yes Snooky, all
of that is true. But mentally, I was
not there. Not the way, he wanted me to
be. I know this sounds mean, but Snooky,
it was strictly just for some quick hot
Snooky, what can
I tell this young man, without breaking
his heart? That I do not, want a sexual
relationship with him, I only want
It looks like
you clearly "put something" on this
young pup. Damn, you broke a
Marine down like that? Whew!
You got something special woman.
What can you do? If you really
aren't feeling the young fella, then
stick your guns and be consistent.
Do not see him again. He can't
handle it and you don't want him.
You make some very good points about the
age gap and lack of interest in a man
that young. Poor fella, you got
him strung out over some obviously
pretty good stuff. Hmmm.
What part of the country do you live?
OK, don't tell me. I don't need
you turning me out. Be nice to
him, but be firm and consistent.
He will eventually get the message.
If any readers
want to give her some advice, click the
link below to leave a comment.
husband and I have been married for a year
and his ex-wife/BM (Baby Momma) has been
making our life hell. It’s the usual BM
antics; using the kids as pawns, being
difficult with visitation time and all the
BS that goes into “Parental Alienation” and
“Mission Destroy Step-Momma.” I will not
waste your time with the details as I am
sure you have heard them all before. The
relationship between my husband and his
ex-wife has gotten so bad the courts had to
intervene and arrange a visitation schedule
for my husband. Now, anytime we arrange to
pick up the kids, if I am involved with the
outings, it’s NO. When it’s his parenting
time, she wants no one else around but
him…and her, of course. My husband
explained to her that he is married and he
refuses to exclude me every time he wants to
spend time with his children. The fact the
kids love me makes her more determined to X
me out during parenting time.
husband is an excellent father and this
really weighs heavily on his heart because
he loves his children so much. Over the
weekend they had yet another heated argument
because I was included in the plans he had
with the kids. This morning he emailed BM
to let her know how he felt about all of
tension between them and how it affected
their children and basically he wanted to
call a truce. What bothered me was he told
her that he would respect her wishes and not
include me when they meet up for pick
up/drop offs or when she brings them to the
fun places we usually go with the children
(she is not allowed at our house and vice
versa). I’m truly upset about this because
not only do I love spending time with them,
but I feel he is allowing her to over step
her boundaries. I would never allow my
child’s father to dictate the participation
my husband has with my child.
valid in the way I feel? Would you ever
exclude your wife when it came to spending
time with your kids? I’m not expecting to
be involved 100% every time because I
believe they do need one on one time with
him, but come on! Enough is enough. This
woman feels she is owed the world and can
control him because she gave birth to his
children! I am so out done….what are your
be above my pay grade, but I must tell you,
you're feelings are spot on. Hubby is
making a big mistake and is setting a
precedent that he will live to regret.
This is not good. You are his wife and
you have value to add to the lives of those
children. The wife and your husband
need to make decisions that are in the best
interest of those children. He may be
a great father, but I feel, he made a huge
mistake. Talk to him (if he'll
listen). Cutting you out of the
picture, is taking something away from the
kids, weakening his position as a man and
feeding the interest of his dysfunctional
and selfish baby's mama.
I've been dating this guy for five months and he has
been honest with me about his past. He told me he
was once a player but has changed because he believes
he's a grown man now and wants to settle down and start
his family soon.
Of all the guys I've dated, he's been honest with me and
even tells me when he gets calls from his ex girlfriends
whom he claims they are just friends. He told
me most of his ex's know about me and assures me that he
still talks to them on a friendship basis.
I told him I'm not comfortable with all this but he
doesn't see anything wrong in keeping in touch with his
ex's as he claims there is nothing more to it than just
friendship. He has done so much to prove to me
he's changed man but something keeps giving a sick
feeling in my stomach.
Should I just follow my instincts and just walk away to
avoid being hurt or should I trust his word which I'm
struggling to deal with?
I once went through the same situation with my ex
boyfriend and he ended up playing me for a fool because
I trusted him. I told my current boyfriend all this and
he keeps telling me he is not like my ex and won't hurt
He always tells me that if I let him go, I'll regret
that decision because he is a genuine guy and really
wants to be with me but if that is true, why can't he
start by cutting out conversations with his ex's to
prove how serious he is.
Snooky am I being played here or just being too
Dear Please Help:
Hold on now. Pump your brakes. I know you've
been burned but let's not start this relationship off by
being too controlling and demanding. I think you
should evaluate your boyfriend on his behavior and
determine if his actions are consistent with his words.
If so, then don't press the issue because there is
nothing to press. The fact that you got burned is
YOUR issue. Don't make it HIS issue and risk
ruining a good thing.
As for the conversations with the ex-girlfriends, it is
possible that it is better for him to be friendly with
the ex-girls. Would you prefer to have some drama?
Good relationships are very hard to come by.
Here's a suggestion: Enjoy
the relationship and don't look for trouble where there
If along the way you find out that he is not telling the
truth, deal with it then.
I’m kind of embarrassed to say this but here goes.
I’ve been dating this guy for three months and things
have been okay except that when it comes to love making.
I’m a screamer and always have been which is a way I
express my pleasure. I try to keep it down sometimes but
this guy does not seem to like it.
One time he told me to stop moaning as he was afraid I
would wake his neighbours up. I just felt so
embarrassed. He is the first guy to react like this with
me, all my previous boyfriends seemed to like my moaning
and thought it aroused them. Maybe I’m a weirdo, or
should totally shut it!
Is there something wrong with me being a screamer?
There's screaming and then there's
I'm not sure what category you fall
under, but if the loving is good, I see no problem with
it. Now if you are screaming like you're being
assaulted and letting loose profanity laced and sexually
explicit tirades, that might pose a problem (at first).
Once again, if the loving is good, I would get used to
Perhaps your current guy just needs some adjustment
time. Or maybe you can moan and yell into the
pillow. Bottom line, I doubt if there's anything
wrong with you except that you really like to express
I wouldn't be too hasty to shut the sound
completely off. If you can tone it down a bit,
that may be worthwhile. I'm not sure what I can do
to help except to say, "KEEP UP
THE GOOD WORK!"
Once again I have failed at
the game of love. This time it was just based on sex. I
thought if I could keep my heart protected and just have
some fun I wouldn't get caught up. While enjoying my new
partner we came across an unexpected surprise. When I
came up for air I realized my period was a week late. We
are both of a very mature age and getting pregnant was
the very furthest from my mind. He thinks I've
been trying to trap him and he doesn't want to come near
me again. It seems he has some children out there he has
been supporting that he is not sure they are all his. I
had no clue it was that way, I thought all his children
were by his ex-wife. I do understand where he is coming
from and I wasn't trying to trap him by getting pregnant
I was hoping a future of fun with him. The thing is as
hard as I tried not to fall; I have fallen for him.
After reaching out to him several times I have now
decided to let him go! We weren't together very long but
we have spent a lot of time together in the short period
of time. I don't like this place of being rejected and
alone when I thought all was well between us.
Heartache and Pain
Well H & P:
You didn’t have a question,
but there are some “teachable moments” that people can
learn from your situation. For example:
The game of love is
not easy, in fact for most folks it is as complex as
it is rewarding.
When you’re playing
for sex, the stakes are still high.
When you play games
with love, someone usually breaks or forgets a rule.
You can’t protect your
heart in the game of love.
When you least expect
it, expect it.
Too many times, the
children end of being the losers.
boyfriend and I have been together for 2.5 years and living
together for 1.5. The circumstances of us living together
came about because he made some bad financial decisions and
had to move out of his apartment. When he moved in with me
we agreed he would take some time to get his finances in
order and then in a few months we will revaluate his
contribution to the household. Being real, I knew when he
moved in with me that he was not the most financially
responsible person, but I thought we would work on that
together. I guess I was more in love with the fact of
having a live in boyfriend that I didn't ask the necessary
questions before making the decision. He moved in out of
necessity, not because he wanted to take the relationship to
the next level. And me, with my own agenda, believed that I
could put him the path to what I wanted--marriage.
Needless to say, it has turned into a disaster. He doesn't
contribute consistently financially (I figured that much)
and we found out we have two different styles of living. He
wants to come and go as he pleases with no questions asked
and clean up when he feels like it and I don't agree with
believe when two people live together you should have rules
and boundaries. Unfortunately, these were MY rules. Rules he
never agreed to. Rules that were never presented before he
moved in. Now we are at a point where we have possibly done
irreparable damage to the relationship. So we decided at
the end of the month when my lease is up, we will no longer
live together anymore. I dreaded coming to this decision
because of my fear of being alone.
just wondering will the relationship sustain the change. I
will admit it worked a lot better when we didn't live
together. I just thought with me being 30 years old and he
32, that we were both on the same path. I now realize that
we are not. We both want marriage and kids, but while I am
ready now, he is not.
options now is to either stay and work out our issues or go
on with my life. Its been weighing on my mind, but hopefully
I will make the right decision soon. One question for
you...Do you think a relationship can work living separate
after living together?
in Misery (SRP)
Dear Living In Misery:
I commend you on making
my job easy. You painted a very detailed picture of
your situation. The picture was so clear, that I find
it hard to believe that you don't know how this story will
When will folks learn
that the relationships business is a serious business.
You made several critical errors, which to your credit you
have acknowledged in your letter. For the benefit of
our readers here are what I think were you errors in
judgment. You wrote:
"Being real, I knew when he moved in with me that he was
not the most financially responsible person, but I
thought we would work on that together."
guess I was more in love with the fact of having a live
in boyfriend that I didn't ask the necessary questions
before making the decision."
"And me, with my own agenda, believed that I could put
him the path to what I wanted--marriage."
believe when two people live together you should have
rules and boundaries. Unfortunately, these were MY
rules. Rules he never agreed to. Rules that were never
presented before he moved in."
just thought with me being 30 years old and he 32, that
we were both on the same path."
work with the five (5) facts above. I'll call them the
"Furious 5" assumptions. Operating under these
assumptions puts you so far down in the hole, it is almost
impossible to dig yourself out. Can it be done?
Yes. Is it likely, that you two can do it? I
You two are
building a relationship without a solid foundation.
Relationships built in this manner almost always collapse
under pressure. If you're willing to take several
steps backwards and begin to build the relationship on more
of a solid foundation, then perhaps you have a chance.
Lost in all of this is your boyfriend. Is he willing
and able to start over? These are the questions that
need to be asked. As for you question to me.
Here's my response. I think it is extremely difficult
for a couple who has lived together the way you two have
lived to have success living separately.
I am reaching out to you for
some honest advice.
I have been dating my boyfriend
for a little over 2 years. During our first year we were
semi-committed. When we were together (in each other’s
presence) we were together, when we weren’t we were single.
We moved in together and after a few months of nonsense,
committed to a completely honest relationship and it has
been nothing shy of remarkable since then. We recently
moved to another state to save money. He always wanted to
finish school in another country and I fully support him in
this. Our plan was to save our money and move in 2010.
Things have been progressing with
us a little faster than I originally thought they would. A
couple weeks ago, I started asking myself questions I think
all women should ask:
What am I getting out of
How do I feel when I am
not with him and with him?
Am I an equal part of this
relationship or am I just the support?
Is this someone I can grow
I love this man and definitely
want him in my life forever. We talked about it and I think
I may have caught him off guard, because he immediately
tried to start “fixing” my issue. I wasn’t second guessing
him, I was married before, so I wanted to make sure I was
getting what I need and not caught up in our whirlwind of
We both feel the same way about
marriage in that it’s just a piece of paper. The commitment
is what is important to us. He is very spontaneous and
doesn’t like to discuss things like marriage. I am always
planning the next phase of my life and he thinks I’ll start
planning things. LOL!
We went to look at model homes a
couple weeks ago and he has since decided that he wants us
to purchase a home and forgo the trip. He says life changes
and he is willing to change with it. He wants to travel to
the other country, but says he doesn’t have to live there.
I have no problem purchasing a home with him, but I want to
know that I have the commitment. That is a big step for me.
Is this a discussion I should have with him, or should I
sit back and see where all of this goes? I don’t want
to ruin or delay things. He’s moving things along almost on
a daily basis. He’s always telling my how happy he is with
me and really sweet things like that (he is not really
verbal about things like that). We are going to the Bahamas
in a couple months for vacation. My mind is spinning!
This is one of the better letters
I have received in quite some time. You appear to be a
level headed and clear thinking woman and your drama scores
is low, which is a good thing.
By the way, I love your questions
that every woman should ask. As for the big question that
you asked regarding the home purchase and whether or not you
should discuss your boyfriend’s level of commitment before
you purchase a home together, the answer is, “Yes.” You
should definitely discuss and gauge his level of commitment
before purchasing a home together. A
home is likely to be the biggest and most significant
purchase of your life. If you are not sure about the
commitment and you purchase a home together your behavior
may change. You may begin to doubt him because he doesn’t
seem as “committed” as you think he should be, when in fact
he may be very committed to you but may express his
commitment in a different way.
You’ve done a great job
minimizing the drama, don’t leave the door open now. Ask
all of your questions. While you’re at it both of you
should obtain a thorough report on your credit and share it
with the other. Now there’s your commitment! Get a credit
check before you make the purchase. No need to have any
surprises at the settlement table or at the lending office.
Both of you appear to be on a
solid track. Ask your questions and get things out in the
open NOW! Doing this will put you on solid ground, ease
your anxiety and stop you from spinning.
Hope this helps.
My live-in boyfriend went out of town with
his buddies over night for Memorial Day and did not call to
let me know he made it safely nor did he return the two
calls I placed to him. He will be back in town this
afternoon and I need your advice on what I should do or say.
He hasn’t done this before, but this is the
first time he has been out of town with friends during our
relationship. I’ve had trust issues with him in the past
and this just brings the issues back up.
My sister says I should kick him out but of
course she is speaking out of love for me and her own
emotional problems within her relationship. I do feel what
he did was inconsiderate. I know him well enough to predict
he will try to down play the seriousness of the issue by
saying he was only gone overnight and how I am blowing this
whole thing out of proportion.
Would I be wrong to accuse him of being with
someone else because he didn’t answer or return my calls?
Do I kick him out? Give him the silent treatment? I am
really unsure what to do. What do you think?
You indicated that you've
had trust issues in this relationship, however, I'm not sure
that I would confront him and accuse him of being with
someone else. As far as kicking him out, I'm not sure
about that either. Clearly your guy's actions were
inconsiderate and his behavior definitely lends itself to
thoughts of something shaky going on. What reason(s)
would he have for NOT calling you during the entire weekend.
If you don't want to deal
with these types of dramas then site this as an example,
dump him and move on. If you choose to hear him out,
accept his explanation and stay, then expect more of the
girl SRP back with another dilemma…
boyfriend did not come home last night and I am pissed off!
He left around 9:00 pm to say he was hanging out with the
boys. I called him around 1:30am and he said he would be
home shortly. I awoke at 4:30 and he had not returned. When
I left for work this morning at 8:00 he was still not home.
I called his phone 3 times and he did not answer. When I
left this morning, I put the deadbolt on the door and left
through the garage (he doesn’t have the key to the
deadbolt). He will have to take his ass back to whoever
kept him from coming home last. It’s now 9:15am and I still
haven’t heard from him. On one hand I am worried that
something happened to him, but something in me says this is
not the case.
man’s point of view, how should I handle this situation?
Should I blow up and curse his ass out, or stay silent and
keep him locked out of the house? I just don’t know how to
handle this situation. To be honest, I am fed up. I am
working two jobs, trying to start my own business and still
manage to come home, cook, clean and tend to his needs. It’s
so disappointing that at 30 years of age, he does not
possess the maturity or the dedication to participate in a
positive, healthy relationship. In the end, I can’t blame
him for being who he is. It is my choice what and who I
accept into my life. I am here once again because I failed
to pay attention to the signs.
Single…….again (aka SRP)
I thought I was through getting
e-mails from you (at least along these lines about this
dude). Once again, I feel like you’re only writing to me
for validation. You really do know what to do. Re-read the
last sentence of your letter. “In
the end, I can’t blame him for being who he is.It
is my choice what and who I accept into my life. I am here
once again because I failed to pay attention to the signs.”
Why can’t you leave this guy? We
teach people how to treat us. What is the lesson that you
teaching him when it comes to interacting with you? I know
that it is rough out here for women. I get about a dozen
letters a week from women complaining about their men. You
also have a good idea of what he’ll say when he does decide
to surface. He knows how to get in your good graces when he
wants to. Let me say this one time and one time only. If
you are serious about getting rid of this guy, then get rid
of him. DO NOT TALK ABOUT GETTING RID OF HIM. GET RID
OF HIM. That means, do not talk to him in person, by
e-mail or phone. Put a call block on all of his numbers.
DO NOT ACCEPT HIS CALLS! What is there to talk
about? Haven’t you heard enough excuses from him? I know I
have. Actions speak louder than words. Show him that you
are serious by changing those locks and leaving his ass.
I am an
educated African American male in his late 20's. I am not
married or currently in a relationship nor do i have any
baby mamas. In the last 3 months, I have had explicit dreams
involving me and another male. I'd say I've had about 4 of
them. None of the with the same person and they have been
very clear and vivid. I am straight and consider myself to
be sexually conservative. I was not molested as a child nor
have I experimented with the fag stuff. What do you think
this means? Is this something that you think I need to
explore or have I seen Broke Back Mountain one too
I am not a psychologist or dream interpreter. Let’s see, you’ve
had approximately four homosexual dreams over the past three
months and you want to know what this means and if this is
something you should “explore.” Let’s slow down and pump
your brakes for a moment. You referenced the movie “Broke Back Mountain.” How many times have you seen the
I have no idea why you’ve had these dreams and I have no idea why
you’ve chosen to put such a focus in this area. You failed
to share your reaction to these dreams. Did you like the
dreams? How did the end? What happens in the dreams? You
can choose to ignore the dreams or focus on the dreams. If
you have no interest in this area, then forget it. However,
if you have no interest in this area and can’t stop thinking
about the dreams, then that’s another story.
Not sure I can help you with this one dude--not enough info.
One of our columnist recently wrote a column on this topic. You
might find it interesting (www.blackmeninamerica.com/people2.htm#James).
By the way, I’d would eliminate the “fag” references—not
good. This is an offensive term.
a while since I’ve reached out to you for advice concerning
love, but today I need your opinion.
my cousins birthday party over the weekend my boyfriend
received a call. I notice how he didn’t want to answer the
call and was about to send the call to voicemail when my
cousin teasingly asked him who would be calling him at such
a late hour (2:30 am). Unbeknown to my cousin, my boyfriend
and I have been down this road before regarding “female
callers”. He seen the look in my eye and with all eyes on
him he had to answer the phone. I couldn’t make out what
the person was saying but I could tell from the voice pitch
that it was a woman. He told her he was over his
girlfriend’s cousin house and he would have to get back with
her. I asked who the caller was and he said she was a friend
from work. He said she was with a group of people he was
hanging at a sports bar with earlier that evening and she
called to see if the group was still hanging out. I thought
that was reasonable explanation until the phone rang again.
He said it was the same person. He answered and proceeded to
tell her the same thing. At this point I was passed pissed
because I felt something was up. He thought me being mad
was unjustified because there was nothing going on between
him and the girl. My cousin stepped in and said “Okay she
is just a friend and she was calling to check to see if you
and the guys you work with were still hanging out. But when
you told her you are with your girlfriend then that should
have been the end of the call and she should not be calling
you back”. “With her calling you back like that it does
appear that something is up”. Needless to say, we went back
and forth about this for hours and we ended up getting into
a big argument.
there is nothing wrong with him being friends with a woman
or talking to a woman on the phone as long as he does not
cross the line and sleep with her or take her out. True
enough I do believe men and women can be friends, but I know
the difference between a strictly platonic friend and the
other kind of friend. I’ve made friends with males over the
course of our relationship but he has met them and they do
not call my phone at 2 or 3 in the morning.
I am so
disappointed in him. I thought I had someone who I could
finally trust. I thought I had resolved my trust issues with
men. After the weekend, all those old wounds just opened up
and it has me exhausted. How can I trust him again? He
apologized to me but that doesn’t make the pain go away. I
don’t want to worry that every time his phone ring and he
doesn’t answer it’s some woman. I don’t want to feel anxiety
every time he goes out with his friends. Snooky, I have
resorted to checking his phone when he is sleep and I have
never done that before to anyone. I just don’t know what to
do. I was so happy with him until this point. He spends
quality time with me, he funny, very attentive and a hard
worker. We have our quarrels over things but we get passed
them. I just don’t know how I am going to get pass this.
Can you offer any advice to my situation?
This is a
tough situation in that he spends quality time with you;
he's funny, yada, yada, yada. The big thing is you've
caught him in a lie or two--big lies. It's hard to buy his
story. You don't get phone calls from "friends" at 2:00 and
3:00 am. Those calls are usually from "f#@k buddies" or
"friends with benefits.”
more disturbing is your behavior. I feel like I kind of know
you. Look at how low you've slipped. I say “slipped”
because you can recover. You're sneaking around checking
his phone. What kind of life is that? Stressful, that's
people how to treat us. What are you teaching this guy? He
may be a great guy, but he's a great guy taking advantage of
your trusting ways. It seems as if you wanted him to be so
good that you have lowered your standards. It you’re your
cousin “popping off” to get your attention.
for me to say talk to him because he's likely to deny and
lie again. You know if he's telling the truth. Just take a
deep breath and listen to that inner voice of yours, NOT
HIS. Judge that dude on his behavior and nothing else. His
“Trust Bank Account” with you is currently
another one for you. Please, if possible let our black men
know about this. Please inform them that they must take
care of their feet. I have met men that rate 10-plus on a
scale of 1-10. They appear to be the total physical
package. I notice men's feet, especially during the
summer months. A lot of men don't take care of their
feet. I notice thick skin on the heels, fungus on the
toenails and toenails that are dark and uncut. This is a
expect us to have well manicured toenails and feet, but they
seem to forget that their feet is a part of their body as
well. The last man that I dated had the feet of a
alligator. His nails were long, dark and thick. He
actually kept his socks on, with good reason, which is
another turn off.
Snooky, please tell men to do a better job of washing their
feet. You know a shower is good, but sometimes a long soak
in the tub does not not hurt.
see a brother with messed up feet and toes, it kind of makes
you wonder about his woman. I interact with
businessmen, but many of those guys have messed up feet.
I've never met a man with good feet.
let men know that taking care of your feet is important to
women. For a man to be fine from the head to the ankles is
not enough. All of the expensive clothing in the world can
not make me overlook claws for feet.
Fed up with alligator feet brothers.
Up With Alligator Feet Brothers:
have to say a word. You just did. By the way, I
agree with you. For the record, "the Snooky man" has
great feet and toes. I've never had a pedicure or
manicure. I guess I just got it like that. I do
use a foot cream called Feet Treat. It is great.
Thank you for putting men with crusty feet on blast and
keeping it real.
past year I’ve been occasionally hanging out with this girl
I met on the job. During the process of getting to know one
another, she expressed how her level of trust for women has
been broken by repeated toxic, backstabbing people she had
developed friendships with. Me being a woman and also having
a few negative experiences befriending someone, I could
relate and understand her current state of mind. She
expressed her desire of wanting to surround herself with
more positive and proactive women with whom she could bond
with. Seeing that this sistah was really in need of a group
a women who could influence a change on her theory about
black women and how we should relate to one another, I
decided to introduce her to my small circle of friends. My
friends are a beautifully eclectic mixing bowl of people
from all walks of life. One thing that keeps all of us
bonded together is that we continuously support and uplift
each other. Now don’t get me wrong we have had our share of
disagreements but we still stay positive towards each
decided to introduce her to my best cousin who is a very
funny, outgoing person. Weekend parties and gatherings
became common between the three of us. We exposed her to
different cultures and activities she was never fortunate
enough to experience with the friends she currently
associated with. I knew from the beginning she was what
some considered a little rough around the edges, ghetto, for
lack of better words. I thought if she saw what the flip
side of the coin was like it would aid her at becoming a
better person. A few months after we started connecting I
noticed she would constantly compare herself to other women
and talk negative about her friends. About three months ago
my cousin and I decided that including her in certain
weekend activities was not in our best interest anymore due
to her wanting to include the negative people she “claimed”
to want distance from. I am open to hang out with people of
all kinds but these ladies, uh, let me change that to
“females” were…”How can I gently put this?” A HOT DAMN
were grown women who were extra loud and immature. They’re
idea of a good time is getting drunk and hitting the club to
fight people. Needless to say, I was not trying to
entertain this type of foolishness. She and I stayed in
contact but our meetings became far and in between. One
night over a few margaritas, my cousin expressed to me that
she was concerned this person might not have good intentions
and felt she was not all the way ready to leave her ghetto
street ways behind. My cousin felt if I continued to
associate with her, she would bring some “bullshit” (her
words, not mine) my way. I trusted my cousin’s evaluation
because at that time, I too was getting a not so cool vibe
from her. To get to meat of this situation, I will jump to
what happened over the weekend. I had not seen or heard
from her in a while so when she pooped over my house Friday
I was surprised. She invited me to go downtown with her the
next night to hang out. At first, I thought “why not?” we
were going to a nice party where there would be a nice class
of people who I felt comfortable with.
downtown the next evening and too my horror here come the HAMS. I admit it was my fault for not asking upfront
who would be attending with us. I just assumed it would be
the two of us because she never mentioned anyone else.
Snoooooooky!!! Please excuse my French but these heifers
acted a fool. They were way past drunk, dressed like
skeezers and to make matters worse, they were starting
trouble with almost every female who crossed their path. I
was horrified but as my cousin would say “That’s what
your ass get.” The night was almost over so I thought if
I mingled on my own I could pass the time and at the same
time remove myself from the Niggrodian display that was
was all over and my humiliation level was off the chart, I
came face to face with who this person really is. I decided
to have a woman to woman talk with her when we reached her
house about her behavior and how I felt that she put me in
danger. She did not have to respond to me because the look
on her face said it all. My Momma once told me a drunken
person speaks a sober mind and that night I believed every
word my Momma said. This girl went on for 30 minutes about
how she could tell I thought she was jealous and envious of
me and my sister’s beauty and success. She came out of
nowhere with a comment about how I have to be the center of
attention whenever men were around. I could go on and on but
in short, she basically said she couldn’t stand me and my
circle of friends because we “acted like we are all dat.”
strange way my feelings were hurt. Not because there was
truth to her claim but because after all the positive
influence my friends and I tried to expose this sistah to
she still managed to turned into yet another negative
experience. My sister made sense of this situation by
explaining to me that some people don’t want to be helped.
She says when you deal with a person who has for years
surrounded themselves with negative people, drama, jealousy,
competition and anger it is difficult for that person to go
into a positive situation and know how to act. With the
advice of my real sistahs and my own judgment, I have
decided to cut this person out of my life for good. My
question to you: Should I tell her that this is the end
of our friendship or should I just be done with it?
Friend or Foe
Dear Friend or Foe:
The way you told this story was Laugh Out
answer your question, I would NOT say a thing or waste any
more time with this woman. Actions speak louder than
words. Be done with it. Besides, if you try to
explain anything to her, you're only asking for more drama.
She will twist your words and not appreciate your intent.
If you choose to do otherwise,
just remember the quote from your cousin: “That’s
what your ass get.”
Earlier you used the terms
"HAMS" to descibe the women. Help a brother out. What are
HAMS? Are we talking big bone, corn fed sistahs with
attitudes who will whip your ass on a whim?
You give great advice and I
really am in need of it so thank you in advance. I have
been in a relationship for almost a year with a man who is
almost perfect. We have so much in common. He has a lot of
qualities that I have. He is extremely thoughtful, we spend
so much time together that we have been talking about
finding a place together. He caters to most of my needs.
At night sometimes all we do is lay down, talk and laugh all
night. It feels like I fell in love with one of my best
friends. I trust him. Trust was never something that came
easily to me but I trust him based on his actions. I was
never one to just believe in the beautiful words these men
say these days. He truly is a real man and I finally know
what a real man is supposed to be like. I have one child
from a previous relationship and he treats her so good,
helps her with homework, and he teaches her things that her
father should. Ok, now on to his flaw...we don't have
enough sex. The sex is wonderful when we do it. We do it
about once a week now and that is not enough. He told me
upfront in the relationship that he is not a person that
thinks sex is everything in a relationship. He does say he
enjoys it. I am not one to just lay there and let him do
all the work, I like to initiate, I like to be on top
sometimes, I like to give oral sex, I am willing to try any
and everything except a three way. The first two months of
the relationship we did it more often. I am very verbal and
so I asked him why the change. He claims he is "tired". Ok,
granted he works two part time jobs, one in the morning and
one in the evening. He gets to my house after work around
9:30 to 10 at night. I serve him dinner and then he gets
sleepy. I believe that when you like something you make
time for it. I am tired a lot too but I still make time for
it. Sometimes when I initiate he says that I'm too
aggressive like a guy, lol. So I took a step back because
when we do have sex he does like to do all the work. He
doesn't have any special requests, no fantasies, nothing
that I can work with. It crossed my mind on whether or not
he may be gay, but that suspicion was squashed when I was
using his laptop one day and I saw recent searches for
chunky girls pornography, lol. I don't know what to think,
I know he finds me attractive, I know he enjoys the sex when
we do it. I just don't understand why it is so infrequent.
Can he be cheating? He doesn't show any signs. He answers
his cell phone, the ringer is always on, I have keys to his
apartment, I can come over unannounced, I just don't know
what to think. Could it be just what he says....he is just
No Sex in NY
Sex in NY:
the things that I always tell women to look for in a man is
consistency in behavior. Your guy appears to be very
consistent. Now I have to tell you, given the scenario that
you painted, my ass would be drinking Mountain Dew and
taking caffeine pills to make sure I didn't fall asleep on
you. It is rare to find a woman who can apparently "put it
down" like you. You said he works two part-time jobs. Are
they strenuous jobs? Short of working construction or
hauling bricks, I'd think he could "sweat your weave out"
more than once a week. But I digress. Let's look at the
positives, which far outweigh the negatives.
a good man who has accepted your daughter. He is loving and
thoughtful. The only flaw is not enough sex. Hmmm. Let's
rule out the gay thing (chunky girls on the search engine).
So he is into heavy lifting (smile). You know he is capable
in the bedroom. You just have want a little more. Can you
adjust the times that you have sex? Change the routine. I
get the sense you're on call 24/7/365 if he wanted it that
way. Maybe you can get him to "hit it" the morning after a
good night's sleep. You certainly give the sense that you
know how to please a man in the bedroom. You want to make
it HOT so he wants to "strike you ass like a box of stick
matches." Set that room on FIRE!
should alter his diet. I don't know what you're feeding
that man, but its knocking him out. Ease up on the pork
chops, biscuits and gravy. Give him some baked fish and mix
in a salad. Get his ass lean and mean and jump on his ass
before "Mr. Sandman" steps in.
If all of
that fails, you may have to accept the fact that he is tired
from working two jobs. Stress is a killer and will deplete
you. He probably has a sense or indication that you are
frustrated. Keep the lines of communication open. Don't
shut down. Work with him and find a way through this
I need some advice. I am 37
years old. I was in a steady relationship with a younger
man for 4 years and off-and-on for the past 3 years.
During the 4-year span, he did
everything that he wanted. I was spoiling him rotten and I
later found out that every other woman was spoiling him
too. He was still seeing his ex's and lying to me about
it. He was even bringing the women to my home. He tried to
make me befriend them. He would talk to me like I had a
tail between my legs sometimes. I know that a great deal of
that behavior was due to the difference in our age... I
Finally, he left. He was dating a
cousin of his by marriage - but still seeing me. He lied the
entire time. Then one day out of the blue he calls me and
tells me he is getting married.
We didn't speak until Dec of
2006. He wanted to speak with me. Once we spoke he
apologized for all of the things he had done and explained
that he had accepted Christ and was trying to change his
life. That lasted about 2 weeks.
He and I got back together and
finally he moved back in. I was still hesitant because I
was having MAJOR trust issues with our past. I forgave him,
but I just didn't feel like he was changing. Well, I looked
at his cell phone one Sunday morning to find that he had a
picture of one of his "home girl's" private parts and he had
sent her a pic of his as well.
We got into this huge argument
that was disastrous. He tried so hard to make it my fault.
He boasted in my face about how many women wanted him. Like
I am a dog? Oh... he was also supposed to be stopping his
drug use, which started right back up - if it ever really
So, he moved out, however, we
were still working on the relationship. The thinking was it
would be better for him to actually establish some
independence for himself since he’s never been able to keep
I have tried so hard to help him
anyway that I could. I am not an angel... I have a temper.
I do love this man very much. I have been fighting and
holding on trying to get him to see it. It is not the sex,
because he could use some help in that department.
Now, I find out he is seeing
other women. He still needs and wants my help, but just NOT
in that way.
I allowed all of my confidence to
be drained from me. I went broke being stupid and in some
strange way, he scares - well... let's say intimidates me.
He knows he has a great deal of control over me.
I am trying to make sure I am not
sitting at home waiting for him to find time for me. The
other day I found out he was snooping around my apartment.
But if you really don't want me, why are you doing that? I
know, he thinks he loves me in his own sick twisted way.
I don't know how to let go of
him. I really in my heart don't want to lose him because he
is my first true love. He is about to be 27 years old. He
has yet to grow up. I know that he is not good for me - he
brings me down because he would rather compliment the women
on television than me. He still speaks to me the same way
sometimes. He claims he misses me but his pride won't let
him do the right thing...WTF?!?
I have never had a man take
control of my life like this. I don't know what to do.
I have a very high sex drive and
did anything and everything he wanted and then some. After
all that I was getting 5 minutes, 15 minutes and NO
foreplay. He has a nice package but he’s so selfish the only
person he is worried about “getting off” is himself.
When I asked him if he wanted me
to move on he told me that it was up to me and that he had
too much on his plate to worry about it. But yet has takes
the effort to spy on me? He said he has seen people at my
home. Granted, I have friends but why does he care? If I did
the same thing to him he would try to kill me.
Last night he called and stated
that he was just wanted to see what I was up to. During the
conversation he started to brag about the fact that he
needed to hurry up and make some money for this weekend. I
didn't respond. I wasn't interested so we got off of the
phone. Two minutes later I tried to call back because I
needed to ask a quick question...NO ANSWER.
So I sent him a text letting him
know that I know why he is not answering the phone and that
I find it very tacky that he has no respect for me
whatsoever and that all he had to do was excuse himself.
The next time we spoke he told me
I was tripping and that I don't know what I am talking
about. I said okay and hung up the phone.
I don't know why he insists on
hurting me when I have been the only person helping him.
All I tried to do was love him and try to show him that
through love, you can soar like an eagle. Instead I get
ignored, cussed out, cheated on and put on a back burner
that I DON'T DESERVE. I am way better than that. I am a
good woman. I want to break this cycle. I have wasted too
much energy, love, heart, blood and tears into this
relationship to get nothing but pain in return. I love this
man with every fiber of my soul. This is killing me. I am
miserable, depressed and heart broken and sadly enough I am
still in love with him.
I just feel helpless and lost. I
want the old “ME” back--the person who was bigger and
stronger who never let these things affect me. Please help
showcases a wide variety of emotions. As I read this letter
I sensed pain, heartbreak, self-doubt, desperation,
embarrassment, sadness and abuse. Yes, I said abuse—verbal
and emotional abuse which often leads to physical abuse.
Where do I
start? I read your letter three times. The sad thing (and
still very common among people in these types of twisted
relationships) is that you know this is a toxic and
one-sided relationship. If you take a sheet of paper and
draw a line down the middle of the page and list all of the
positive aspects of the relationship on the left side of the
page and all of the negative aspects of the relationship on
the right side of the page, clearly the right side would be
longer. You make mistakes for this man and stay for the
abuse. You say you love this man. Why do you think
you love him? Where’s the added value that he brings?
Where is the happiness and the mutual respect?
years, you have taught this man how to treat you—poorly. He
did not take away your dignity and self-respect—you gave it
away. Yes, he took advantage of you, but you made it very
easy to do so. You tried to freak him in the bedroom, help
him with his drug problem, and knowingly put up with his
infidelity that he flaunted in front of you.
I can’t share
any insights with you that you don’t already know. The only
thing I can do is to put what you already know in front of
you in such a way that it captures your attention and either
shocks you or shames you into doing better.
nothing about the behavior of this man that indicates one
scintilla of love for you. You have the power to change the
circumstances of this relationship. Why won’t you exercise
this power? Why do you stay? The longer you stay, the
greater your risk of depression (which may have already
started) and the greater the chances that you will do
something terribly stupid that you will regret. So save
yourself the heartache and reclaim your self-respect and get
You say you
don’t deserve this kind of treatment. Well prove it by
leaving and cutting this man out of your life. You can’t
save him and despite what he says, he does not want to be
I know you say
you love him, but you need to get over it and STOP the
foolishness. One-way relationships are not healthy and they
never last. What makes you think you’re different?
significant personal statement and get out of the
relationship now before it’s too late. One last thing,
consider getting professional counseling. This is serious.
Your life is at stake and you need to claim it back.
friend of 15 years is working my last nerve. I don’t even
know where to start. I guess I can begin with her
disrespectful, dope snorting, abusive baby’s father. She has
been in this chaotic, downward spiral, toxic relationship
for the past 2 years. I tried to stay quiet on this
situation and just be there for her when things get bad, but
now things are out of control. She has moved 5 times in two
years because every time she puts him out or upsets him he
demolishes her house, car, etc. Every time she settles into
a new place she allows him to snake his way back into her
life. There was one time when she and her two daughters had
to go to a women’s shelter because she was put out of yet
another place due to his ass acting foolish. At first, I
felt sorry for her and added this to another bad hand that
life had dealt her again. But time after time she continues
to take him back no matter what he does. The supposed
“final” time was just a few weeks ago, right after she gave
birth to her third daughter. She had been out of work for
some time so she depended on him to take care of everything.
When she got out of the hospital she found out that he had
not paid the rent in two months and she had to be out in 14
days. He wasn’t worried about where they were going to go
because he had his own apartment. I was going to offer her a
place to stay if all other possibilities were exhausted, but
I could not have that drama at my house and without her
having a job I had no idea how long they would be at my
place. However, I did offer to store all of her belongings
in my garage until she found a place. The sack of shit found
a piece of sympathy and took her and the kids in to live in
the two-bedroom apartment he shared with his adult brother.
disrespected her so bad while she was there she was in
tears. I finally told her that she and the girls were
welcome to come to my house. She declined the offer stating
that if she left him he would forget about giving her the
money to get another place. She claimed she had a plan to
get away from him. She was going to endure what she had to
until he found her another place to stay then end the
relationship. One week later she found a place and moved in.
She kept to her word and told him it was best they not be
together but stay cordial for their baby girl. Needless to
say, he flipped out again busting out the house windows
while she was gone one evening. She filed a restraining
order and declared at that moment she had enough. She said
she refused to move and put her children through that again.
I really felt like she meant it this time. She started
looking for a job, making plans for her future and spending
quality time with her kids. I told her I would do everything
I could to support her with getting herself together. I paid
her cell phone bill, made trips across town several times to
deliver clothing and household items she still had in my
garage and I stayed up late or got up early some days
because she couldn’t sleep because she was afraid he would
come over to do something crazy to her. I really was pulling
for her this time. He continued to call begging her to take
him back and release the restraining order so he could see
their daughter. I told her that was bullshit. If he wanted
to see his daughter either myself or her mother would
volunteer to drop the baby off to him or his mother. When I
talked to her a couple of days ago I could tell in her voice
she was getting weak and contemplating taking him back. She
proved my theory when I called today and old ugly
Moodergrass answered the phone.
I could have screamed. I didn’t get to talk to her because
he said she was getting dressed. I wasn’t surprised when she
didn’t return my call. This frustrates me because I love my
Goddaughters so much and I can’t stand the way she is
putting this fool before them. I am tired of listening about
the dumb stuff she allows him to do. I am tired of trying to
help her when she doesn’t want to help herself. I love her
to death but I have to step out this time. I haven’t told
her yet, but since he is back in the house hold there is no
need for her to use my garage as a public storage facility.
I am through with the drama. If she wants to sit around, not
work and totally depend on him that is on her.
wrong for not having her back in this situation? Would I be
wrong to tell her how I feel or should I just walk away and
let her be?
Unfortunately, there is NOT much you can do. You can only
do so much. Your friend has to ultimately take
responsibility for her actions. You have given her every
opportunity to get help and she has not taken advantage of
your kindness and generosity. The fact that she took him
back (again) should be the last straw for you. Some folks
have to hit rock bottom. I guess what I'm advising you to
do is to "let her go."
and I have been together for 6 months and so far things have
been well until this past weekend. Saturday I spent the day with
my girlfriends hanging and he spent the day with his boys. He
told me he was going out of the city to a local college to
attend some type of fraternity celebration. When I called him
later that evening he said he was on his way back home and would
call me later. I few hours went by so I called him to see if you
had made it back ok. To my surprise, I didn’t get a answer. No
big deal, I waited about an hour and still know response. I
called a total of three times over three hours and he never
answered or returned my phone call. I was pissed and worried. He
finally answered his phone the next morning. His is excuse for
not answering the phone was “his battery was dead” I didn’t
accept that as an excuse because he could have used a pay phone
or one his friends cell phones to call me. He then stated that
when they were on there way home his cousin received a call from
his lady friend who wanted him to come back to where they just
left from to attend to big college bar-b-que bash and being that
he wasn’t driving he had to go along. He claims that they just
hung out and had a good time. I asked where did they stay and he
said his cousins lady friend let them crash at he place.
I am so
disappointed in him. Everything was going so well up to this
point. He has never given me any reason not to trust him. I just
don’t know why he would do something like this. I just don’t
know what to do. I just can’t ignore this. Could it be possible
that what he says is the truth and he just made a bad judgment
in regards to not calling me? Or does this sound like he was up
to know good? Do I continue the relationship, but proceed with
caution and pay attention to his behavior to see if this becomes
a pattern or do I take this as bad sign and hit the road? I know
you can’t make a decision for me, but how would you approach
this situation? Trust has been a big problem for me in past
relationships and it has taken me sometime to get to the point
where I can finally trust and love someone again. I am torn.
What do you think?
It is my
humble opinion that your guy is violating your trust and running
a game on you. You should be disappointed in him. His story
appears to be so flimsy it is hard to believe that he had the
nerve to share that with you. Is it possible that his story is
true? Yes, but not likely. If you want to believe him then
ultimately you will ignore the mountain of evidence and common
sense that suggest that portions of his story are fabricated to
meet HIS needs. His behavior has done nothing to make you trust
him, especially when you have had trust issues in the past with
are torn, but if you step back you will see that its probably
more prudent to ask yourself:
a pattern of behavior with this man that is questionable?
he seem to get into these situations?
Why do I
continue to look the other way?
I could go on
and on. You have to decide. Let me tell you what I know to be
true about men. Men will do what they are allowed to do and
think they can get away with. Have you created a culture in
this relationship that makes it easy for him to do these things
without being held accountable? When you get in enough pain,
you will make the tough decision. I believe that you know in
your heart, what you should do. It is difficult and you don't
want to do it.
I hope this
You know it
was just a matter of time before I needed your advice again.
Just to bring up to speed. I am still dating the same guy who
told me about his possible baby on board with his ex-girlfriend.
We still have an understanding that no decision regarding our
future will be made until the paternity test comes back. For the
past two months it has been a real emotional rollercoaster. We
both have been trying to keep an emotional distance from each
other until the moment of truth, but things just aren't working
out like that. He continues to show his feelings for me, but up
until recently I was continuing to pull back. A couple of weeks
ago he started showing signs of "distance". He wasn't answering
my calls, showed no enthusiasm when hearing my voice or seeing
me. I questioned this and he said he was tired of me treating
him cold and he is tired of trying to prove his love for me. He
reveled to me that he had rejoined his family's church and is
turning everything regarding our situation over to God. He said
he was emotionally drained and couldn't keep going on like this.
I cried because I do love him, I just don't want to get hurt. I
thought things over for a few days and decided that he was the
man for me and I wanted to move forward with the relationship.
So for the past week I have tried to show him my willingness to
work on the relationship, but he said he doesn't know how to
receive my change of because I have spent so much time pulling
away from him after he told me about the baby. I could
understand that; so I went one step further to prove to him that
I was serious about us doing this together. I attended church
with him last Sunday and I sent him a dozen of roses to his job
the Friday before that. We cried to each other and expressed our
love for each other. I thought we were on the right track until
tonight when we were on the phone and I asked when the baby was
due. He said in February. Then he said when he seen her she
looked further along than that. It took me by surprise because
he told me he had not seen her since the beginning of her
pregnancy. He said she called him last week before he left work
and asked him to stop by her mother’s house because she had
something for him. He said when he got over there she gave him a
new bible and a card. He said he only stayed a few minutes then
he left. This really burns me up because why does he feel the
need to see her if they are not together? Am I over reacting? Is
it okay to offer this kind of support to her while she is
pregnant? This is why I am having doubts about us. I don't feel
like he is telling me the truth about her. Oh I forgot to
mention that when I talked to him last week around the time he
said he went to visit her, he was reading a letter some
"anonymous" person left in his mail box. Now this whole scene
makes since! That was a letter she gave to him when he went to
see her. Again, here we go with the deceit. Snooky, help me.
What if anything should I say to this brotha? The more I think
about it, the more upset I am getting because he is not telling
the whole truth.
Help a sista out
Here's how I see
this. The history of deceit gives you every right to be and
maintain your suspicion. However, you can't hold yourself
hostage. If you are going to go the distance with this guy and
the baby is his, what you've described is simply a "dress
rehearsal" of things to come. If the baby is his and he's any
kind of man, he is going to want to be in that baby's life,
which means he will have continued interaction with the baby's
mother. It is possible, that he is afraid of telling you the
"whole truth" about his interactions for fear that you will
overreact and pull away again. I said, its possible. If he is
parceling out the truth, that's a dangerous game. He would be
better off telling you the truth, whether you like it or not,
than getting caught in a stupid and unnecessary lie that will
cause more harm to all parties involved.
Think about this.
You see this situation as drama and the other woman doesn't seem
to be acting crazy. What if she's a nut case?
She and your man
will always have a connection in the form of that child (if
indeed it is his baby). Can you live with that? Can the three
of you conduct your lives in a responsible fashion for the best
interest of that baby? It is his job to make you feel like his
lady. I would suggest that you calmly share your concerns with
your guy. Let him answer and listen and watch how he responds.
Trust your instincts. You'll know whether or not he's being
sincere. You must be calm and non-judgmental. Your job is to
simply gather information, not to prosecute. After he answers,
state your case. Let him know that you don't want any surprises
concerning this situation from this point on. After all is said
and done, sleep on it and render a decision. As complex as the
situation is, the answer is very simple--you either stay or go.
I am dating a
guy who does not meet the requirements of what I
thought was my ideal mate. He doesn't have his own
place. He doesn't make much money and he drives a beat-up truck.
He doesn't have much, but he makes up for that by the way he
treats me. He is wonderful. He is so attentive, understanding
and funny. In the four months we have been dating he has been
there for me in ways no other so-called "together" man has
before. He doesn't have a whole lot of money, but I don't want
for anything. He drives a beat-up truck, but that same truck
moved me into my new condo and brings me lunch several times a
week. We both want a long-term commitment with each other, but I
am a bit concerned about his financial future. He has expressed
his feelings on wanting to improve his situation, he just
doesn't know how. He says college is not for him and that is
okay, but I think he should at least earn a trade of some kind.
Where he comes from, nobody ever encouraged him to be much more
than what he is now. See, he sold drugs most of his young adult
life. To him, working legally is a major accomplishment. I'm
afraid five years will go by; we'll both be 32 years old and
still "just getting by." I don't see a “paycheck to paycheck”
lifestyle for myself. I am working too hard right now to see
that I don't have to. I don't want to struggle forever.
Is it wrong
for me to slow things down until I see that he is actively doing
something productive which will improve his situation? Do you
think one’s ability to sufficiently provide for self and family
What do you
I think that your attitude toward your guy is refreshing,
realistic and mature. You’re cautious and not crazy. You made
your point about his not earning a lot of money and not having
much of anything from a materialistic point of view. As you
indicated the guy is giving you something of far greater value
that will pay huge dividends. He appears to be honestly giving
himself to you. He is giving you quality time and attention.
Do you have any idea how many women would give up multiple
paychecks for a man that would simply give them quality time and
attention? There are some unsavory elements in his background
that may cause problems and explain his worldview when it comes
to going to college and self-development.
This may pose a problem if he finds it difficult to break away
from the negative influences from his upbringing and
background. He should be commended for his mighty efforts. You
two seem to have the potential for a long lasting and rewarding
I don’t think that it is wrong for you to be cautious and
monitor his progress and development. Marriage is a lifelong
commitment; you would be well advised to take advantage of every
you get married to ensure that your union lasts. I also think
that one’s ability to provide for self and family are
important. Stay the course; I think you’re onto something.
This guy sounds like a diamond that simply needs to be polished.
I have been
with my man for more that 3 years now. We have a pretty good
relationship, but like all couples, we too have our issues. He
recently took a job that I didn't want him to take. I didn't
want him to take the job because it was offered to him by a
woman we've had problems with in the past. She's a white girl
who likes black men. She's liked my man from the start. She
was a manger at the place he used to work. While on the clock,
she'd let him take her car to pick up her lunch and she'd give
him money to buy a Corona. She'd let him drink from the bar
while he was on the clock as well. I told him to be careful of
this girl because white women are very sneaky. Sure enough, she
got him fired. A few months later, she calls and offers him his
job back. I told him not to take it, but he did. Well the
business closed down shortly after, and they were both out of
work. So here we are, about 7 months later, she calls again to
offer him another job. He asked how I felt about it. I told
him, I'm not feelin' it, but I can't decide for him. As I said,
he took the job. He said he took the job because the job pays
really well. My problem is, I am a hairstylist and he does not
like me to do men's hair. Everyone who gets his or her hair
done pays well. He said it's not always about the money. He
also has a problem with my children's father who is and has been
locked up for the past 8 years. I try to always show him
respect no matter what. It's just getting very hard being with
this man and he's not showing me the same respect, I show him.
We've been arguing for 2 days now and I'm really feed up. At
the same time, I'm not really ready to end my relationship. I
know you are going to be real with me, so let me hear it.
I am going to
be real with you. You guy is a possessive jackass. I arrived
at that conclusion factoring in that you may have some ill will
with white women and black men. Even if that’s the case, your
guy is still a jackass. I think you have handled this matter
very appropriately. I’m not going to say that your guy is
“bumping in the snow” with his boss, but it would not surprise
me. He may be just going for the money and could care less
about this woman. Let’s say that’s the case. That still
doesn’t excuse him from being so possessive about you,
particularly when it comes to your job. The fact that he has a
problem with you doing men’s hair in your role as a professional
hairstylist makes him appear to be an insecure brother. Perhaps
he has reason to be concerned and you forgot to tell that side
of the story. Given what you have shared with me, you are going
to have trouble in this relationship. Also the current climate
in relationships doesn’t really force a guy to work with you in
a relationship. Too many have lowered their standards, which
let men off of the hook when it comes to being accountable and
sometimes respectful. Your guy is not different. You need to
demand a certain level of respect for him. If he has trouble
with this, save yourself some heartache and find a new man.
I am a very attractive and accomplished 30ish single mom. I have a
longtime male friend from college who is a nice guy but is
always in people’s business. He and I have never been intimate,
although he tried to get the “goodies” back in the day; he never
got them because I was in love with his friend. Even after
college, he would call me sometimes and say, “Your boy is in
town, you gonna hook him up?” And back in the day, I did. That
was years ago.
Anyway, he recently contacted me about hooking up with his boss. He
described me to his boss as a “fun girl”. As he continued to
explain, it became apparent that his boss was a woman! That’s
right a woman. Snooky, I do not go that way. I love men. As
far as he should know, I don’t get my thrills from women. If
you were lucky enough to get with me you would know that I give
plenty of thrills to men.
My jackass friend gave the woman my cell phone number and she’s already
left me 5 messages, each one referring to “getting together” or
“connecting.” He then explains that his employee evaluation is
coming up and that he needs all the points he can get. He’s a
single dad with two wonderful kids. He’s had bad luck with
women and I would hate to see him lose his job. He asked me to
go to lunch with her and emphasized that I should “just go along
and be nice to her.”
It appears to
me that my friend is pimping me to keep his job. Here is my
question: Should I have sex with my friend’s boss so that he
can keep his job?
I don’t think
that our friendship is that strong. However, if, I do decide to
hook up with her, it would be because I care about those kids
and would not want their father to lose his job because they
would suffer. Help me Snooky, I need your advice.
Dear Losing Sleep:
Where do I start?
Hell no, you don't sleep with her. What the hell is wrong
with you? Why would you even consider it? Let me
slow down. First off, he is not a real friend. A real friend
would not put you in that situation. If he’s in trouble on the
job, that’s because he’s screwing up on the job. That is his
responsibility, not yours. If he loses his job, then he loses
his job. He’ll have to get his sorry ass out there or sleep
with her himself (Did I just say what I think I said?)
I read your letter carefully and saw no indication that he
instructed you that sex would be involved. Now maybe he told
you that, but that was not clear in the letter. However, to be
fair, it is reasonable to assume that some sort of sexual favor
or liaison is implied. You might want to ask your so-called
friend, why he would describe you as a “fun girl” to his boss.
Did he indicate to her that you were fun in a sexual or lesbian
kind of way? What specifically did he tell her?
Let me get right
to it. Unless, you are curious and want to check her out to see
if there is some kind of vibe or connection the answer is “NO!”
Or as Whitney would say, “Hell to the No.” Your jackass friend
made this mess and he needs to clean it up. He also
doesn’t think much of you to put you in this situation.
Remember, he set this thing up first and then told you. What
kind of friend does that? Tell him not to call you and if you
talk to her, explain to her that you and your friend, really
aren’t that tight and you have no idea what she’s referring to.
what do you think? If you would like to respond to this
click here and sign our
Guestbook to leave a public or private statement, comment or
I am 45 years
young. I live in the UK, divorced with 3 children (different
fathers), the oldest is 25 and the youngest is 7. My problem is
that I cannot meet a nice black guy. I am an attractive, fun,
bubbly, sweet natured, honest, caring, understanding, and decent
I am very
independent, I am not a show off, lets say I am very happy for
what i have achieved in my life so far. When I go out with my
girlfriends to parties etc not one guy approach me. They look at
me but that is all! When I ask my friends the question why,
their response is that men assume that I already have a man.
I know I have
a nice personality; I am a typical Sagittarius by nature. I
dress trendy; I don't look my age (look younger). I divorced my
husband through personal reasons. My first baby father was very
violent; my second baby father was a loser.
I have met
married men in the past but I can't go down that road. Apart
from joining dating agencies what do you suggest? (Please don’t
say "tough luck"). I await your early response.
black girl somewhere in the UK
Dear Frustrated in the UK:
"nice" black guy seems to be a universal problem the world
over. How do you define nice? Clearly there are nice black
guys out there but they are not plenty. Here is part of the
problem. Many women in your age category have lowered their
standards when it comes to meeting men. That means that many
men don't have to behave like gentlemen and are not held
accountable for their behavior. So when they meet a woman like
you who insists on some honest and consistency, you actually
stand out. Their logic tells them: "Why should I go through
this hassle, when I can go over here to this other woman who
will allow me to do what I want to do, when I want to do it,
with no questions asked? And she believes everything that I
tell her. Some sistas will even give the brother money if he
says that he needs it.
To be fair to
the brothers, they may see something in you that raises a flag.
I'm not suggesting that there is anything wrong with you, but
they may sense or see something that tells them that is not
going to work for them. For some men, dating a woman with 3
children with different fathers is a "caution flag." There are
some "gold-diggers" out there who are constantly digging for
You see where
this is going? I won't say "tough luck," but I will say that
you must be patient and have a little bit of luck. Prayer won't
I am in a relationship with a guy
who is really nice to my 4 sons and me. We have been together
for 2 years. I am a 37 year old who was married and now
divorced. I began dating 5 years ago. During that time I met
some real losers. Well this is my problem. I am not physically
and sexually attracted to my current guy. Since I am getting
older, should I settle for the kind heart, (especially since I
been with losers in the past) and forget about the physical
stuff? I am getting older! By the way, he complains that I
never want to have sex. There are only so many excuses I can
come up with.
Anonymous. Where do I start? You’ve been with this guy for two
years. I assume that during that period you can identify a few
concrete things that you feel have value that you like or love
about him. Here’s what I want you to do. Sit someplace quiet.
Close your eyes. Take a few deep breaths and answer this
question: When you think of a stable and loving relationship,
what do you see? Be specific. Does your guy have any or all of
these qualities? If so, this is where you begin to build your
foundation. You start with what you have. If he does not have
any of those qualities, then you must determine if he is capable
of acquiring them. Being nice to you and your sons is an
important factor. Is that enough to carry you through a long
that you’ve had your share of losers. (You know you’re not
alone in that arena). That being said, being 37 years old is
not old, at least in my mind. Be mindful of your attitude
toward yourself and age. You don’t want to perpetuate your own
self-fulfilling prophecy that you’re too old to find love.
address the more dicey and subjective aspect of your
problem—SEX. You don’t find “homeboy” attractive. You need to
decide how important a factor SEX is for you. You did not
indicate why you don’t find this guy to be attractive. So I’m
hesitant to render an opinion because of the lack of
information. I will say this. When you talk about SEX in a
relationship, there’s SEX 1.0,
and then there’s SEX 2.0.
With SEX 1.0 you can set an
egg timer and walk through the motions on a weekly basis. But
with SEX 2.0, we’re talking
about hair pulling, eye rolling, toe curling, catch your
breath-heavy breathing, gymnastic monkey love!
Sex 2.0 is what you need and
your guy can’t deliver, then you should seriously think about
terminating the relationship. I know that sounds harsh but I’m
about keeping it real. You would only be fooling yourself and
putting yourself in a position of being miserable trying to fake
it or creepin’. I wish you had provided more information about
him. It makes me wonder how you’ve managed to be with him for 2
years when you don’t find him attractive.
already in a situation where you have to make excuses NOT to
have sex with your mate. Do yourself a favor—get out now! This
dude probably doesn't feel good about the situation. If he says
that he's OK with that, then he needs to write a letter to me,
because something is wrong with him. There’s no way in the
world that I would tolerate that situation, but then again,
I’m SNOOKY! Hope this helps.
I am a highly sought after, black,
air force, female on my way to owning my own business. I am
currently stationed in Iceland. Well, I haven't had a long
relationship (at least 6 months-1 year) since Jr. High School. I
am so afraid of getting past friend status on to dating
interest. I was previously engaged to a longtime friend but it
was called off due to my career choice and his love for
basketball. Before that I dated a very successful record
producer and my career brought an end to the committed part of
our relationship as well, even my guy I've known 5 years who I
was very fond of, just got back from Iraq and re-enlisted into
the Army which was the end of our plans to take the next step. I
feel out of luck because nobody has faith in a relationship
while I am in the military. It is especially difficult in
Iceland where European women worship black men and make it hard
to be a respectable lady. Now I am dating another ball player on
the Keflavik NATO basketball team. I was so defensive and
insecure that I am afraid that he might just end up with one of
my "easier" female acquaintances. He hasn't called and I am
wondering what I should do to at least begin fresh without being
too forward because I am very interested in him. My biggest
problem is that I have abstained from sex for some time and plan
to stay that way. With such a popular guy, several willing
sexual women, and my career in the United States Air Force, is
there any way to salvage this relationship or is it a done deal?
If there's a way, what do you suggest, otherwise should I call
it quits altogether?
complicated. Let me address your issues in what I believe to be
a realistic manner based on the facts and perceptions presented
to me. I believe that your choice to abstain from sex, for
whatever reason is a noble one. I do not know your man but
based on the environment that you described, the odds are
against you to keep him if women who are willing to have sex
with him surround him. When you add the distance away from each
other because of your military career, this is a prescription
You don’t sound very confident in your
ability to connect with men outside of your career and you’ve
been “out of the game” for a while. I would recommend that you
read a recent article posted on our site about “baggage.” (Click
here to read the article). But I
It seems that you
haven’t had enough successes in your relationship journey to
build your confidence, as if you’re always starting from square
one. Drop the baggage and start fresh. Evaluate each guy using
your instincts and the facts before you. Your motto should be:
“Every guy that I meet is a good guy, until conclusively proven
otherwise.” Based on the limited info that I have, I think
that’s the best that I can do.
DEAR SNOOKY, I AM A 32 YR OLD SINGLE WOMAN; I HAVE BEEN SEEING A
MARRIED MAN FOR THE PAST 6 MONTHS. NORMALLY, I WOULD NOT GIVE A
MARRIED DUDE THE TIME OF DAY! THIS MAN DID NOT TELL ME HE WAS
MARRIED, IN FACT HE DENIED ON "SEVERAL"
OCCASIONS, HAVING ANYONE. THERE WAS ALWAYS THAT WOMANLY
SUSPICIOUS INSTINCT IN ME, DUE TO THE FACT THAT ON SOME DAYS I
WOULD NOT HEAR FROM HIM AT ALL. MY THOUGHTS WERE CONFIRMED, WHEN
HIS WIFE WENT LOOKING THROUGH HIS PHONE AND CALLED ME. BY THAT
TIME I HAD ALREADY HAD STRONG FEELINGS FOR THIS MAN, BUT I KNOW
I NEED TO LEAVE HIM ALONE. I ASK HIM ALL THE TIME IF THERE IS A
CHANCE FOR US TO BE TOGETHER, AND HE ALWAYS SAYS YES, BUT I KNOW
THERE ISN’T. I DONT WANT TO BE THAT "NAIVE"
MISTRESS, HANGING ON TO THAT SHRED OF HOPE THAT HE MIGHT
LEAVE.... SNOOKY, PLEASE REINTERATE WHAT I ALREADY KNOW I SHOULD
THE OTHER WOMAN
Dear Other Woman:
You already know what to do. You
just said it. Just take a deep breath, get a good cry and just
do it! Don’t beat yourself up just leave. The dude lied from
"jump street" and all in between. Nothing, I repeat, NOTHING
good can come from this. You are guaranteed at least two
things: A broken heart and wasted time. Stay away from him so
that your next letter won't be signed, "The Other Woman." I
know that you don't like that phrase, so start your new year off
right and march away from that dude.
Turn around soldier! About
broke up with my boyfriend. We are in that awkward "just
friends" mode, where we are walking on eggshells and pretending
that we are going to work it out. In many ways, I want it to
work out; I love him, but I was the one that broke it off 3
times. I feel guilty about what I did, but at the same time, now
that we are "just friends" I am afraid he is just using our
“Friends with Benefits” status to volley him to the next woman.
He says he isn’t. What should I do?
Dear No Name:
Have you heard the
phrase, “Love is a game?” Well, your situation is tantamount to
a high stakes game. What’s high stakes you ask? At any given
time, the rules will change and you may quickly discover that
the game to
the game. You can’t have it both ways. You initiated the
breakup (3 times). Did you breakup to catapult to the next
guy?” Perhaps you discovered that “all that glitters ain’t
gold?” I’m just asking. If this is not the case, then let’s
focus on your concern. Why do you feel guilty? You need to
seriously think about that. Let me share what I’ve learned
about guilt. Guilt is a useless commodity. By that I mean, you
can’t do anything with it. As for your concerns with the
options, a man cannot access the benefits if you don’t provide
them. I’ll just leave it at that.
I am a 23
year old. My problem is I have been talking to this dude for
some time. We finally decided to take it to the next level and
have sex. He couldn't even get it up. He made some excuse like
he just wasn't feeling it, but it was his idea. He's pretty
cool guy but I don't want to waste my time on a guy that’s
unpredictable. Am I wrong? What should I do?
Whoa Kei Kei!
Stop the train. Ah the perils of youth. Young lady, and I
don’t mean that in pejorative sense, do you realize that you run
the risk of dumping one of the best lovers that you may ever
have? Say what? You heard me! Let me give you some additional
food to place on your plate.
It is not uncommon
for guys to suffer from a bit of anxiety when its time to
perform the first time with a woman, even if its their idea.
That’s part of the anxiety. Chances are brother man psyched
himself out. If this was the case, there is no doubt in my mind
that you were sending him some negative signals either through
your body language or maybe even a few words.
Again, IF, this
was a case of performance anxiety, he put most of the pressure
on himself. Other factors to consider are the place. Was the
atmosphere conducive? Was time a factor? Did you only have 20
minutes to do it before somebody came home? Don’t assume that
he’s unpredictable because he couldn’t get it up. I bet if you give him another chance he’ll say YES! As for
the excuses, what did you expect him to say? I have to assume
that if you got that if you were ready for sex that you saw
other traits or characteristics in him that you liked. If there
is a next time, help him out by focusing on those other traits
so that sex is a natural by product. If you are standing over
the guy, “huffin’ and puffin”, rolling your eyes and looking at
your watch, trust me—nothing will happen.
All I’m saying is
that I think this guy deserves the benefit of the doubt in this
area. Besides, how do we know that you’re “ALL THAT” yourself?
(Hello?) I mean, let’s keep it real. He may get his
working and you may have an off night. Slow your roll, be a bit
more patient and you may find that you end up with a wonderful
guy who may even know a few tricks that will have you securing
your weave while you’re head is hanging off the side of the
Holla at playa if
you see him in the street!
I am a 33-year-old single
professional female never been married and have no children. I
have been dating this great guy for about 6 months. He is always
there for me and goes above and beyond. We spend a great deal of
time together. He takes me places I have never been before. He
has no emotional baggage. He has never been married and has no
children. In the past I have had a couple of bad relationships.
Dealing with men who just lie and cheat for no reason. The
problem that I am having is that I don't find him to be
attractive. He has a great body and making love to him is
wonderful. However, I think with all the B.S. I have experienced
with men in the past, I am looking for fault in him. As far as
his finances, he has a great career as well as a vision and is a
very hard worker. He wants to live a good life and this we
definitely have in common. He comes from a very good family and
is at a point in his career where he is ready to settle down.
However as far as the looks are concerned, do you think I am
settling if he is not exactly what I am attracted to?
that in the eyes of many women reading this, this guy looks better
and better with every sentence read. You are certainly entitled
to set your standards in men to get the very best man that you
can get. However, I must ask you a question. What
characteristics do you look for in a man?
intellectually, you know that it is unfair and unreasonable to
extend the bad behavior of your past boyfriends to new men in
your life. Now emotionally, may be a different story. Unless
you’re excessively vain, forget about how the guy looks. Why do
you think that you might be looking for faults in this guy? Is
this a way of protecting yourself from being hurt again. You
cannot lower expectations in mates and then expect a superior
product. It’s only been six months. What’s the rush? Why not
accept the guy as is and let the relationship continue to
develop. If his actions and deeds are congruent and consistent
six months from now, I bet you he will look a lot better.
doesn’t start to look better and you can’t get past the looks,
then you may want to bail out. I know that sounds petty, but
let’s be real. Looks matter and when things get rough, you will
turn to the fact that you’re not attracted to him and use that
as a reason to bail out anyway.
This is straight
talk. My husband does not like to sleep with me or may I say have
sex with me. We have been together almost 5 years. We only have
sex once or twice a month. He doesn't desire me anymore or he never
liked women from the start. I feel sometimes that he married me as
a front because he is really gay and he does not want the Army to
find out. I am 5 years older than he is. I loved the excitement
that I found in him in the beginning but now it is gone or it was
never there. It was all a front for the fellas.
I am not fat or
ugly. I have a very sweet personality and men hit on me all the
time. I am a graduate student at a local college and I have to turn
the college guys down on a regular basis. I am sexually deprived.
I am starving for a little sexual activity at least 3 times a week
when my period is not on.
Help me! I feel
as though I am going to commit adultery.
Charmed. Don’t get your panties all bunched up in a wad. I get the
sense that you knew or either should have known that your husband
“played for the other team.” If what you say is true, it does
appear that you’ve been “had” or "took." You know, taken advantage of. Just because
he only has sex with you once or twice a month doesn’t necessarily
mean that he’s gay. That frequency wouldn’t work for the “Snooky
Man,” but maybe you have a higher sex drive than your husband. I
don’t see where age is a factor unless, as an older woman, you were
excited that you were involved with a younger man. Do I sense a
little vanity or ego? I’m just asking. I think you should make
every effort to talk and work things out with you husband. If that
doesn’t work, then do what you have to do and move on. Based on
your description of your physical attributes, you should have no
problem finding someone to satisfy you several times a week.
think you might want to focus on exercising
better judgment when it comes to selecting partners.
I need some advice. I'm a 27-year-old
black female dating a 37-year-old male for the last 4 months.
In terms of friendship, things have been great. However, we
have little to no sex life. The first month we were together,
he tried very hard to sleep with me and I said no and he was
cool. However, after that he totally withdrew and has turned
By month three I was ready. I would spend
the night at his house 1-2 times a week. I would be totally
“buck naked” in bed, and he would lay over me and turn the TV
on. Or, more often, he would fall asleep by 11 pm and barely
awake when I tried to initiate something. A couple of times
things went pretty far, but it was pretty much like high
school-grinding, oral sex, etc., and once he seemed to want to
penetrate me, but I withdrew because he seemed to want to try
without a condom. I don't play that. Then, a couple of times,
he broke dates early, and I think it was to avoid physical
contact with me.
We both have demanding schedules - he owns
his own business, takes care of his daughter and has severe
allergies. I know he finds me very sexually attractive. He's
constantly complimenting me and is very affectionate. I work
out constantly, have a great body, face, my own career, home,
etc. I've been passively aggressive. I’ve been sending nasty
e-cards and flirting in a very sexual way. I’m scared to come
out and ask why he won’t make a move on me. I'm used to having
to beat men off of me, and am kind of hurt/ashamed. I also
really like him and don't want to offend his ego.
He does have some “size anxiety,” however;
I think he's average and fine with me. I personally prefer
average sized men. Snooky, what do I do? I would prefer our
first time to be special, with him into it and at full
attention? Could he be scared? Gay? I get no radar on the “gaydar,”
if you know what I mean. In the meantime, I am considering
starting to look elsewhere, because sex is very important to
Let me share my initial impressions with
you about this situation. I don’t think the age thing has
anything to do with the lack of sex. This assumes that your man
is in reasonably good shape. I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it
again: “90% of sex is between your
ears.” What I mean is that if your guy is mentally
turned on by you, he will be able “to get it up and turn it
Assuming that the guy is not “J. L. King”
(On The Down Low) and he is attracted to women, you have to
conclude that for whatever reason,
“he’s just not that into you.” You may find this
hard to believe, but hey, it happens. You say that you’re
an attractive woman. I believe that. But let me tell you, if
you’re in bed with no clothes on, you could look like
Morgan Freeman and most guys
are going to try and “hit it.” Do I need to reference my award
winning article from last year about "women's stuff?"
(Click here to read the article if you're not familiar with it).
The only thing your guy is reaching for is the remote. That’s a
bad sign. Not good my sister.
I would strongly suggest that you two stop
beating around the bush, (no pun intended). Ask the guy this
question: “Why won’t you have sex with me?” Then shut
up and listen to him. Ask the question in such a way to get an
answer. Leave any attitude or judgments about him at the door.
Just deal with the answer.
You want sex from him. If he’s unwilling
to give it, then you can’t force him. You should probably just
move on. You said that sex is very important to you. Is it the
sex that is important by itself, or sex as part of a
well-rounded relationship? It’s possible that he may be
intimidated. He may feel that you place too great an emphasis
on sex and that he may not be able to measure up. That’s
possible. Back in the day, I would run into a sista who would
talk, talk, talk, about sex and how good she was. Then she got
a chance to go to Camp Snooky and ride the “Snooky-Go-Round.”
You know what happened? She got her young ass worn out!
You may want to tone down the sex talk and focus more on a
relationship. One thing for sure, you need to ask the question
and find out why he has not been physical with you. Hope this
Snooky: I'm posting the following letter
from a loyal reader in hopes that it will serve as a source of
strength and inspiration to others.
Hi Snooky, I am
an avid fan of yours and enjoy your column more than any other
I’ve ever had the pleasure of reading. You give good sound and
straight to the point advice, but what impresses me the most is
your ability to know when to be compassionate and when to tinge
your advice with a twist of humor. You’re great Snooky! Please
keep on keeping it real.
your column today I identified with the reader “Waiting.” You
see, I am also waiting on God to provide me with the mate of His
choice. It’s been 12 yrs since my divorce and 6 yrs since my
last relationship. Judging from the way her story reads
“Waiting” is a young woman and I applaud her for (1) being
intelligent enough to realize that love and sex are two separate
issues (2) being strong enough to hold out for a meaningful
relationship. I was 34 years old when I awoke one morning with
the desire to die rather than face another pain filled day
caused by a broken relationship. (Emphasis on wanting to die …
in order to escape the pain… not because I couldn’t live without
the man). That was a pivotal turning point in my life. I had
four wonderful children to live for and my love for them is much
greater than any love I can have for a man. I began getting my
act together by first accepting God as the head of my life and
then learning to love myself. I learned that it was not the men
who were causing the negativity in my life--it was me!
relationship the warning signs are there from the beginning but
some of us choose to ignore them. Most (women and men) seem to
think that we can change a person if we love them enough or that
in time the person will love us enough to become who we want
them to be. Well, that just isn’t so. People don’t need us to
change them. We need to learn that when a situation doesn’t feel
right chances are it isn’t right. This is the time to move
on…not become deeper involved. It’s hard being single in a world
filled with couples but through prayer I’ve learned the
difference in being “alone” and being “lonely.” Spending time in
prayer/meditation, surrounding myself with positive friends, and
engaging in enjoyable activities prevent depression/loneliness
and develops patience and perseverance. When someone comes into
your life be patient.
My mother gives
me the best advice in the world about entering a relationship
she always says, “Before committing to someone physically wait,
wait, and then wait some more. If they are truly interested in a
long term commitment time is not a factor in the relationship.”
At the age of 40, I am just now learning how to open my heart
without giving it too soon. I hope this helps someone else to do
So what do you think? If you would like to respond to Snooky
click here and sign our
Guestbook to leave a public or
private statement, comment or reaction.
Tell me what you think. I have been dating
this guy and he truly does not respect my time or me. We have
been dating for a while now and all of a sudden his pattern
changed. He use to call me every night, now he says when he gets
home he is so tired that he goes straight to bed, however when I
try to call him he does not answer. He use to come over at least
twice during the week, but now he says that he's to busy or that
he has to go to the gym. Also whenever we make plans for the
weekend, he always has an excuse as to why he needs to change
the plans. Sometimes he just does not call or he just won't
plan for a specific time. For example if we say 5:00 he'll say
ok, but call me first. Well I always argue, because if we have
plans for 5:00, then 5:00 it is. However he will always call
before the time we are suppose to get together and say either he
is not home or let's push it back, which at that time it is
always much later.
A couple of weeks ago, he called me a
couple of times at work, however during this time we were not
speaking, well I didn't want to talk to him at work, so I said
to myself I will just stop by his place after work. Well when I
got there, of course his truck was home and there was another
car parked next to him that I had never seen. Well he didn't
open the door. I knew he was home, because at first the music
was playing and then he turned it down. Well he would not open
I called him on his cell phone and he was
not answering. Finally he answered, but didn't say anything. I
heard the woman say, “Why don't you tell her to stop calling?"
I hung up and went home. He called me at midnight to make it
seem as if he had just gotten home. He stated that he was not
home and that his friend was there. I told him that I am not
stupid. He went on trying to explain, and had the nerve to say,
“Maybe you went to the wrong apartment and dialed the wrong
number.” I was livid. Well the next weekend I was having lunch
with a friend and he walks into the restaurant with another
woman, who he says was a church member. Now let me remind you,
he had no time to see me during the weekend, but he was with
this other woman and the same car that was parked next to his
truck was the same car in the parking lot at the restaurant.
The same car he says he does not know about. I have tried to
give him the benefit of the doubt. Do you think he truly think
this is just a church member?
Confused in Florida
You are very confused. Don’t you have any
girlfriends that can shake some sense into you? I am not going
to waste your time. This guy is playing you. He has another
woman at a minimum. Please, leave him alone. You are making a
fool out of yourself. You told him that you were not stupid.
So stop acting that way. You are acting like a desperate
woman. Stop it! Stop it now! If you can’t leave him alone,
then seek professional help.
column is awesome. I have been dating this guy for about 5
months. He is a great guy. We started off spending a great deal
of time together. We also have been intimate 3 times. Well
right now we are not intimate, he says that he does not want to
be intimate until we are in a committed relationship. Also,
lately we have not been spending as much time together and he
has done some things to piss me the hell off. I communicated
with him that whatever it is he is doing he could continue,
because I am too good to be put on the back burner and that
things will have to change. I was becoming frustrated because
of the lack of time we have spent together within the past
month. I asked if it was someone else and he said no. He said
that I was the only person he was going out with. He then went
on to say that sometimes he just likes to be by himself. I told
him that I was walking away, because I just felt like he was
being dishonest with me. However, he states that he does not
want me to walk away and that he wants us to take it slow and
get to know each other before rushing into a relationship. My
question to you is: Should I be concerned and also how should I
handle a man like this?
Thank you for the compliments about the
column. Let’s get to it. Why would you want to handle a man
like this? I think that you know the answer to your question.
You just don’t want to acknowledge the obvious. If you take an
honest assessment of your situation you would probably conclude
--This guy is not that into you
--He is probably not being straight with
Why? Because he can. Look, when it comes
to relationships, in most cases, a man will find the time to be
with a woman if he’s into her. Let me repeat, he’s just not
thatinto you. His request to be by himself should be
accommodated. Let me help you interpret this situation. A guy
like this is pretty clever; so you must be able to “read between
the lies,” uh pardon me, I meant to say “read between the
lines.” My bad.
He said: You’re the only person he’s going out
He didn’t say: You’re the only person that
he’s having sex with
He said: After sleeping with you 3 times, he
decided that he didn’t want to be intimate until you’re in a
committed relationship, and yet he has not made himself
available to develop a relationship
He didn’t say: “I met someone else and I want
to spend time with her.”
He said: He does not want you to walk away and
that he wants the two of you to take it slow and get to know
each other before rushing into a relationship.
He didn’t say: “I’m undecided between you and
the other woman so you need to hang around and serve as my back
This is a lose/lose situation. You want to
know how to handle a guy like this. “Handling” a guy like this
is like playing a slot machine. The odds are astronomical that
you will win. You can’t “handle” this guy and win. Let me
leave you with your own words:
You said: “I am too good to be put on the back
Snooky says: Prove it and walk away.
Back By Popular Demand - Snooky Rates
(Warning Strong Adult Language)
This morning, after a great session of lovemaking, my boyfriend gets up and
says: “Girl your stuff is top shelf.” He then smiled and kissed
me on the cheek. I was happy and assumed that this was a good thing.
What does “top shelf” mean?
Cassandra M., Waltham, MA
Ol’ Snooky is going to educate you. What I’m about to share probably
should be in the “Sexuality
& Stuff” section of the web site. That’s how sensitive this
information is. I’m not breaking any confidences, but I’m probably
straddling the line of what I should and should not share. There's
clearly an "unwritten" rule in the Players Handbook, but I'm going to allow
you to sit in class today. Welcome to the Snooky Charm School for
"players." Open your books to Chapter 69 --
"How To Evaluate P---y." I don’t speak for all men.
This is my rating criteria. That being said, there is a baseline
"unwritten rule" about women’s “stuff.” The rule is as follows:
There’s no such thing as bad pussy. It’s all
good -- some is just better than others.
understand and accept this hypothesis then you can understand my rating
criteria. Unlike the Russian judges in Olympic figure skating, my
rating system awards points for versatility and flexibility. This
rating system is not scientific, however, the results are based on normative
data from years of testing. For purposes of this segment, I will
substitute the word "stuff" for the word "pussy." There's no need to
gratuitously throw that word around.
The following information is not listed in priority order and is a partial
listing of the
Snooky “Stuff” Rating criteria:
– This is the fastest growing “stuff” right now. A woman who has
multipurpose “stuff” has "stuff" so good that it appeals to almost any kind
of man. It appeals to the brothers who like petite “stuff,” firm
“stuff,” tight “stuff,” juicy “stuff” etc. Multipurpose stuff also
provides easier access and better handling in a variety of positions.
– This is the kind of “stuff” that’s just there. There’s nothing
particularly special about this “stuff” as it gets the job done when you
Force Limiter “Stuff”
– This is the kind of “stuff” that cannot take maximum force. If you
want to round the bases and “slam it home,” then this is not the “stuff” for
– This stuff is so good that no one thinks they have a chance of getting it.
Maytag "stuff" sits idle with no activity. The woman has to stir it up
herself on occasion to keep it from going bad.
– The woman who has Olympic “stuff” is physically in the best shape of her
life and could qualify for most Olympic competition. Her “stuff”
doesn’t get a lot of activity. The word on the street is that Olympic
“stuff” will kill you. Unless you are in the best shape of your life,
or just want your balls busted, stay away from this one. If you can’t
deliver, the woman with Olympic “stuff” is strong enough to flip you over
and “tap dat ass.”
– This is good quality stuff that you know can be even better. Be
careful! An upgrade usually means that the “stuff” is more convenient;
you’re not getting any better quality.
– This “stuff” is good now, but is likely to lose value in the future.
Usually, the woman is crazy. Her head is not on straight and you have to go through so
much drama to get it, that the “stuff” ain't worth the effort.
– This “stuff” is consistently good. It performs well in almost every
position. This “stuff” is so good that if you weren’t so close to it,
you would recommend it to a friend.
Must Hit “Stuff”
– This is the kind of stuff that you know you must “hit” regardless of the
risk if ever given the
High Impact “Stuff”
– This kind of “stuff” can easily survive rollovers, headboards, lotions,
– This “stuff” can only accommodate 6 inches or less. If you’re under
6 inches this is the equivalent of hitting it out the park. Also, see
– This “stuff” can only accommodate 4 inches or less. When the going
gets good, the ride is likely to be noisy, choppy and hard to get in and out
of. These are usually your gymnast types. Subcompact "Stuff"
also good for spinning and twirling.
– This “stuff” is very large and can accommodate up to 12 inches. The
ride is smooth, supple and comfortable. This is your "Glide Ride." If you hear any noise, it will
be that good kind of noise (if you know what I mean).
Off Road “Stuff”
– Off Road “Stuff” handles clumsily at times, but the stability and control
that it provides for your member make this “stuff” well worth the ride.
This stuff is usually associated with a heavy load.
Top Shelf “Stuff” (#1 Rated) – Just the
mere site of this stuff will get you excited. Top Shelf “Stuff” is
usually shaved, impeccably finished and smooth to the touch.
Performance is always good in any position, even in rough terrain. Top
Shelf “Stuff” can get you to accelerate quickly and level you off for a long
and smooth ride. You will not find any signs of high mileage, sagging
or excessive wear with Top Shelf “Stuff.” Top Shelf “Stuff” will satisfy you. If you have
access to Top Shelf “Stuff” you better bring your hardhat, thermos,
flashlight and lunch pail, because you will have to work. Any woman
with Top Shelf “Stuff” knows she has it. She instinctively knows what
to do, so you are guaranteed the best of the best.
I hope this has been helpful.
So what do you think? If
you would like to respond to Snooky
click here and sign our
Guestbook to leave a public or private statement, comment or
Please read our
Notice and User Agreement before sending any correspondence to Black Men In
views and opinions expressed in the "Relationships" section of this
web site do not necessarily reflect the opinions of Black Men In America.com.
We strongly recommend that competent professional advice be
sought before acting upon the information contained herein. Due to the large number of responses we may not
be able to publish every e-mail.