Ask Snooky

Dear Snooky:

You made a good point in the advice you gave me. I wish I would have read your advice earlier because I failed with the Marine today.

I took a day off. After my Marine friend got through playing golf this morning, he texted me. I told him I was home. He asked to come over. I said, "Yes." I figured this would be a good time and a quiet time since my son was at school to END the relationship.

He came over, he hugged me and tried to give me a passionate kiss. But I pulled away. Here's the dialogue.

Marine: "Baby what's wrong?"

Me: "Oh wow, you have silver strings of hair in your beard. I didn't notice that the last time we met."

Marine: "Yes just like your silver strings in your hair. So who's older than you?"

Me: "Well I am the oldest. We go to Starbucks and pick up two Lattes and come back to my place."

Marine: He immediately gives me another hug, he picks me up, and my bedroom door is open. He takes me in there; lays me on the bed.

Me: I stop him. "I said, "We need to seriously talk."

Marine: "I know. I know. You can have my undivided attention later. But right now, my body is about to explode." He pulls up my dress, I have no panties on, he get's up, and he goes to my bathroom, comes out with a big towel and place it underneath me. He raises my dress back up again, supports my thigh in an upward level, "Let's see how this Latté taste with this kind of cream." He pours the warm beverage on my pussy and starts licking the coffee off. He repeats it 3 or 4 more times.

In all of my life, I never had that done before, but that was exciting! It was a different sensational feeling. Next thing I knew, his manhood was thrusting inside my pussy with all of his might. He started dripping with sweat! Then that last thrust; he let out a LOUD moan; Then his body collapsed on top of my body.

Marine: "You make me so vulnerable."

Me: "I like you also."

Marine: "Ssh. Please don't mess up my good nut."

Me. "Fine!" I got up to cleaned myself, came back and cleaned him. Went back to the bathroom and got dress, when I came out he was already dress. I had to leave to go and pick up my son so he left also. But he promise we were going to really talk the next time. Which will be this coming Saturday.

Snooky, how do I break up with this guy?

Signed,

Nothing Permanent

Dear Nothing Permanent:

Young lady, if you cannot control your emotions then do not get in the same room with the young Marine. I’ve never met you, but you are obviously one hot babe and you must have a sensuality about you that make you irresistible to men. That being said, you can’t keep having sex with the guy and telling me that you don’t want to be with him. You enjoy the sex, you enjoy his company and he’s not hitting you up for money. It seems to me that this is a nice guy. I read what you said about the age difference. Make up your mind. Tell the guy that you are not looking for a long term relationship. Tell him that he is a “boy toy” for you. If he doesn’t like it, you will not see him again. It’s just that simple. And yes, send him an e-mail message and do not see him again or let him in your home if you really don’t want to see him. Every time he gets a chance to see you, he will want to have sex with you. He can’t help it, apparently you are sexual dynamo. I would love to see what you look like. Why don’t you send your boy Snooky some sexy pics so I can see what all the fuss is about surrounding you.

Hi Snooky:

It has been several years since I have used your advice – which by the way was helpful. Now I need you again. I am currently 43 years old, divorced, not rich and I have one terrific teenage son. Reality is setting in for me. In the next five years or so, my son will be off to college.

Fear of being alone, I started looking for a cuddly companion, preferably a guy around my age or just a little bit older who is established, been married before, who’s kid(s) are grown and who’s just looking for a part-time companion.

However, I came across someone way younger. This guy is 28-years old. Really mature; but just beginning to really start his life.

When, I told my girl friends about his age, they said to me, “Yippee! U go Cougar, use that Black Stallion!”

So I had some fun with him, and I thought it would be over quickly and we would go our separate ways. However, this guy does not wish to go away. He wants to stick around.

What for? He is very intelligent, he has a college degree from Morehouse and is a Reservist in the Marines. On top of that he has a law degree and recently passed the bar exam. Did I mention that he is an incredibly decent guy?

I have hinted to him over and over; that he should go out and social network, focus on his career, find the woman of his dreams, get married and start his own family. Snooky, my factory been shut down! No more babies coming through me. Chuckling.

Also, I really don’t want to be bothered with a younger man. He’s 28 and I am 43 years old. I do not look like I am 43 years old, nor do I, dress or act very young. But he was surprised about my age.

Here is how we met. About a month ago, we met while I was on my lunch break. I did flirt with him first. He took my number. We talked on the phone a lot, and then after three weeks, we finally had a nice date, watching the sunset go down, with wine and kibbles. I have no doubt the wine relaxed us and before we knew it, we ended up in a hotel having crazy wild sex.

The next morning, no remorse, no shame, the understanding between us, was that it was just a one night stand. Which was fine me.

Two days later after our date, he kept texting and calling me, till I picked up the phone. He said that he missed me, I was different, and that he would like to taste more of me (blah, blah, blah).

I thought what he said was ALL cute, but I brushed him off hoping he would get the hint. Well he refused to understand. So I reminded him, what we talked about when we last departed. He pretended he did not remember, but what he did remember how I was so wet and how my body responded to his manhood, along with his kisses and touches.

Yes Snooky, all of that is true. But mentally, I was not there. Not the way, he wanted me to be. I know this sounds mean, but Snooky, it was strictly just for some quick hot sex.

Snooky, what can I tell this young man, without breaking his heart? That I do not, want a sexual relationship with him, I only want friendship.

Thanks!

Nothing Permanent

Dear Nothing Permanent:

It looks like you clearly "put something" on this young pup. Damn, you broke a Marine down like that? Whew! You got something special woman. What can you do? If you really aren't feeling the young fella, then stick your guns and be consistent. Do not see him again. He can't handle it and you don't want him. You make some very good points about the age gap and lack of interest in a man that young. Poor fella, you got him strung out over some obviously pretty good stuff. Hmmm. What part of the country do you live? OK, don't tell me. I don't need you turning me out. Be nice to him, but be firm and consistent. He will eventually get the message.

If any readers want to give her some advice, click the link below to leave a comment.

http://asksnooky.wordpress.com/2010/10/28/i-got-a-younger-man-who-wont-leave-me-alone/

Dear Snooky:

My husband and I have been married for a year and his ex-wife/BM (Baby Momma) has been making our life hell. It’s the usual BM antics; using the kids as pawns, being difficult with visitation time and all the BS that goes into “Parental Alienation” and “Mission Destroy Step-Momma.” I will not waste your time with the details as I am sure you have heard them all before. The relationship between my husband and his ex-wife has gotten so bad the courts had to intervene and arrange a visitation schedule for my husband. Now, anytime we arrange to pick up the kids, if I am involved with the outings, it’s NO. When it’s his parenting time, she wants no one else around but him…and her, of course. My husband explained to her that he is married and he refuses to exclude me every time he wants to spend time with his children. The fact the kids love me makes her more determined to X me out during parenting time.

My husband is an excellent father and this really weighs heavily on his heart because he loves his children so much. Over the weekend they had yet another heated argument because I was included in the plans he had with the kids. This morning he emailed BM to let her know how he felt about all of tension between them and how it affected their children and basically he wanted to call a truce. What bothered me was he told her that he would respect her wishes and not include me when they meet up for pick up/drop offs or when she brings them to the fun places we usually go with the children (she is not allowed at our house and vice versa). I’m truly upset about this because not only do I love spending time with them, but I feel he is allowing her to over step her boundaries. I would never allow my child’s father to dictate the participation my husband has with my child.

Am I valid in the way I feel? Would you ever exclude your wife when it came to spending time with your kids? I’m not expecting to be involved 100% every time because I believe they do need one on one time with him, but come on! Enough is enough. This woman feels she is owed the world and can control him because she gave birth to his children! I am so out done….what are your thoughts?

Signed,

Out Done!

Dear Out Done:

This may be above my pay grade, but I must tell you, you're feelings are spot on. Hubby is making a big mistake and is setting a precedent that he will live to regret. This is not good. You are his wife and you have value to add to the lives of those children. The wife and your husband need to make decisions that are in the best interest of those children. He may be a great father, but I feel, he made a huge mistake. Talk to him (if he'll listen). Cutting you out of the picture, is taking something away from the kids, weakening his position as a man and feeding the interest of his dysfunctional and selfish baby's mama.

Dear Snooky,

I've been dating this guy for five months and he has been honest with me about his past. He told me he was once a player but has changed because he believes he's a grown man now and wants to settle down and start his family soon.

Of all the guys I've dated, he's been honest with me and even tells me when he gets calls from his ex girlfriends whom he claims they are just friends. He told me most of his ex's know about me and assures me that he still talks to them on a friendship basis.

I told him I'm not comfortable with all this but he doesn't see anything wrong in keeping in touch with his ex's as he claims there is nothing more to it than just friendship. He has done so much to prove to me he's changed man but something keeps giving a sick feeling in my stomach.

Should I just follow my instincts and just walk away to avoid being hurt or should I trust his word which I'm struggling to deal with?

I once went through the same situation with my ex boyfriend and he ended up playing me for a fool because I trusted him. I told my current boyfriend all this and he keeps telling me he is not like my ex and won't hurt me.

He always tells me that if I let him go, I'll regret that decision because he is a genuine guy and really wants to be with me but if that is true, why can't he start by cutting out conversations with his ex's to prove how serious he is.

Snooky am I being played here or just being too insecure?

Please help.........

Dear Please Help:

Hold on now. Pump your brakes. I know you've been burned but let's not start this relationship off by being too controlling and demanding. I think you should evaluate your boyfriend on his behavior and determine if his actions are consistent with his words. If so, then don't press the issue because there is nothing to press. The fact that you got burned is YOUR issue. Don't make it HIS issue and risk ruining a good thing.

As for the conversations with the ex-girlfriends, it is possible that it is better for him to be friendly with the ex-girls. Would you prefer to have some drama? Good relationships are very hard to come by. Here's a suggestion: Enjoy the relationship and don't look for trouble where there is none.

If along the way you find out that he is not telling the truth, deal with it then.

Snooky

Dear Snooky,

I’m kind of embarrassed to say this but here goes. I’ve been dating this guy for three months and things have been okay except that when it comes to love making. I’m a screamer and always have been which is a way I express my pleasure. I try to keep it down sometimes but this guy does not seem to like it.

One time he told me to stop moaning as he was afraid I would wake his neighbours up. I just felt so embarrassed. He is the first guy to react like this with me, all my previous boyfriends seemed to like my moaning and thought it aroused them. Maybe I’m a weirdo, or should totally shut it!

Is there something wrong with me being a screamer? Please help.

Screamer

Dear Screamer:

There's screaming and then there's SCREAMING! I'm not sure what category you fall under, but if the loving is good, I see no problem with it. Now if you are screaming like you're being assaulted and letting loose profanity laced and sexually explicit tirades, that might pose a problem (at first). Once again, if the loving is good, I would get used to it.

Perhaps your current guy just needs some adjustment time. Or maybe you can moan and yell into the pillow. Bottom line, I doubt if there's anything wrong with you except that you really like to express yourself.

I wouldn't be too hasty to shut the sound completely off. If you can tone it down a bit, that may be worthwhile. I'm not sure what I can do to help except to say, "KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK!"

Snooky

Snooky,

Once again I have failed at the game of love. This time it was just based on sex. I thought if I could keep my heart protected and just have some fun I wouldn't get caught up. While enjoying my new partner we came across an unexpected surprise. When I came up for air I realized my period was a week late. We are both of a very mature age and getting pregnant was the very furthest from my mind. He thinks I've been trying to trap him and he doesn't want to come near me again. It seems he has some children out there he has been supporting that he is not sure they are all his. I had no clue it was that way, I thought all his children were by his ex-wife. I do understand where he is coming from and I wasn't trying to trap him by getting pregnant I was hoping a future of fun with him. The thing is as hard as I tried not to fall; I have fallen for him. After reaching out to him several times I have now decided to let him go! We weren't together very long but we have spent a lot of time together in the short period of time. I don't like this place of being rejected and alone when I thought all was well between us.

Signed,

Heartache and Pain

Well H & P:

You didn’t have a question, but there are some “teachable moments” that people can learn from your situation. For example:

The game of love is not easy, in fact for most folks it is as complex as it is rewarding.

When you’re playing for sex, the stakes are still high.

When you play games with love, someone usually breaks or forgets a rule.

You can’t protect your heart in the game of love.

When you least expect it, expect it.

Too many times, the children end of being the losers.

Hey Snooky,

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2.5 years and living together for 1.5. The circumstances of us living together came about because he made some bad financial decisions and had to move out of his apartment. When he moved in with me we agreed he would take some time to get his finances in order and then in a few months we will revaluate his contribution to the household. Being real, I knew when he moved in with me that he was not the most financially responsible person, but I thought we would work on that together. I guess I was more in love with the fact of having a live in boyfriend that I didn't ask the necessary questions before making the decision. He moved in out of necessity, not because he wanted to take the relationship to the next level. And me, with my own agenda, believed that I could put him the path to what I wanted--marriage.

Needless to say, it has turned into a disaster. He doesn't contribute consistently financially (I figured that much) and we found out we have two different styles of living. He wants to come and go as he pleases with no questions asked and clean up when he feels like it and I don't agree with that.

I believe when two people live together you should have rules and boundaries. Unfortunately, these were MY rules. Rules he never agreed to. Rules that were never presented before he moved in. Now we are at a point where we have possibly done irreparable damage to the relationship. So we decided at the end of the month when my lease is up, we will no longer live together anymore. I dreaded coming to this decision because of my fear of being alone.

I'm just wondering will the relationship sustain the change. I will admit it worked a lot better when we didn't live together. I just thought with me being 30 years old and he 32, that we were both on the same path. I now realize that we are not. We both want marriage and kids, but while I am ready now, he is not.

My options now is to either stay and work out our issues or go on with my life. Its been weighing on my mind, but hopefully I will make the right decision soon. One question for you...Do you think a relationship can work living separate after living together?

Signed,

Living in Misery (SRP)

Dear Living In Misery:

I commend you on making my job easy. You painted a very detailed picture of your situation. The picture was so clear, that I find it hard to believe that you don't know how this story will end.

When will folks learn that the relationships business is a serious business. You made several critical errors, which to your credit you have acknowledged in your letter. For the benefit of our readers here are what I think were you errors in judgment. You wrote:

"Being real, I knew when he moved in with me that he was not the most financially responsible person, but I thought we would work on that together."

"I guess I was more in love with the fact of having a live in boyfriend that I didn't ask the necessary questions before making the decision."

"And me, with my own agenda, believed that I could put him the path to what I wanted--marriage."

"I believe when two people live together you should have rules and boundaries. Unfortunately, these were MY rules. Rules he never agreed to. Rules that were never presented before he moved in."

"I just thought with me being 30 years old and he 32, that we were both on the same path."

Let's just work with the five (5) facts above. I'll call them the "Furious 5" assumptions. Operating under these assumptions puts you so far down in the hole, it is almost impossible to dig yourself out. Can it be done? Yes. Is it likely, that you two can do it? I don't know.

You two are building a relationship without a solid foundation. Relationships built in this manner almost always collapse under pressure. If you're willing to take several steps backwards and begin to build the relationship on more of a solid foundation, then perhaps you have a chance. Lost in all of this is your boyfriend. Is he willing and able to start over? These are the questions that need to be asked. As for you question to me. Here's my response. I think it is extremely difficult for a couple who has lived together the way you two have lived to have success living separately.

Hope this helps.

Snooky

Hello Snooky,

I am reaching out to you for some honest advice.

I have been dating my boyfriend for a little over 2 years. During our first year we were semi-committed. When we were together (in each other’s presence) we were together, when we weren’t we were single. We moved in together and after a few months of nonsense, committed to a completely honest relationship and it has been nothing shy of remarkable since then. We recently moved to another state to save money. He always wanted to finish school in another country and I fully support him in this. Our plan was to save our money and move in 2010.

Things have been progressing with us a little faster than I originally thought they would. A couple weeks ago, I started asking myself questions I think all women should ask:

What am I getting out of this relationship?

How do I feel when I am not with him and with him?

Am I an equal part of this relationship or am I just the support?

Is this someone I can grow old with?

I love this man and definitely want him in my life forever. We talked about it and I think I may have caught him off guard, because he immediately tried to start “fixing” my issue. I wasn’t second guessing him, I was married before, so I wanted to make sure I was getting what I need and not caught up in our whirlwind of love. LOL!

We both feel the same way about marriage in that it’s just a piece of paper. The commitment is what is important to us. He is very spontaneous and doesn’t like to discuss things like marriage. I am always planning the next phase of my life and he thinks I’ll start planning things. LOL!

We went to look at model homes a couple weeks ago and he has since decided that he wants us to purchase a home and forgo the trip. He says life changes and he is willing to change with it. He wants to travel to the other country, but says he doesn’t have to live there. I have no problem purchasing a home with him, but I want to know that I have the commitment. That is a big step for me. Is this a discussion I should have with him, or should I sit back and see where all of this goes? I don’t want to ruin or delay things. He’s moving things along almost on a daily basis. He’s always telling my how happy he is with me and really sweet things like that (he is not really verbal about things like that). We are going to the Bahamas in a couple months for vacation. My mind is spinning! HELP!!!

Spinnin’

Hello Spinnin’:

This is one of the better letters I have received in quite some time. You appear to be a level headed and clear thinking woman and your drama scores is low, which is a good thing.

By the way, I love your questions that every woman should ask. As for the big question that you asked regarding the home purchase and whether or not you should discuss your boyfriend’s level of commitment before you purchase a home together, the answer is, “Yes.” You should definitely discuss and gauge his level of commitment before purchasing a home together. A home is likely to be the biggest and most significant purchase of your life. If you are not sure about the commitment and you purchase a home together your behavior may change. You may begin to doubt him because he doesn’t seem as “committed” as you think he should be, when in fact he may be very committed to you but may express his commitment in a different way.

You’ve done a great job minimizing the drama, don’t leave the door open now. Ask all of your questions. While you’re at it both of you should obtain a thorough report on your credit and share it with the other. Now there’s your commitment! Get a credit check before you make the purchase. No need to have any surprises at the settlement table or at the lending office.

Both of you appear to be on a solid track. Ask your questions and get things out in the open NOW! Doing this will put you on solid ground, ease your anxiety and stop you from spinning.

Hope this helps.

Snooky

Snooky,

My live-in boyfriend went out of town with his buddies over night for Memorial Day and did not call to let me know he made it safely nor did he return the two calls I placed to him. He will be back in town this afternoon and I need your advice on what I should do or say. He hasn’t done this before, but this is the first time he has been out of town with friends during our relationship. I’ve had trust issues with him in the past and this just brings the issues back up.

My sister says I should kick him out but of course she is speaking out of love for me and her own emotional problems within her relationship. I do feel what he did was inconsiderate. I know him well enough to predict he will try to down play the seriousness of the issue by saying he was only gone overnight and how I am blowing this whole thing out of proportion.

Would I be wrong to accuse him of being with someone else because he didn’t answer or return my calls? Do I kick him out? Give him the silent treatment? I am really unsure what to do. What do you think?

Signed,

Exhausted

Dear Exhausted:

You indicated that you've had trust issues in this relationship, however, I'm not sure that I would confront him and accuse him of being with someone else. As far as kicking him out, I'm not sure about that either. Clearly your guy's actions were inconsiderate and his behavior definitely lends itself to thoughts of something shaky going on. What reason(s) would he have for NOT calling you during the entire weekend.

If you don't want to deal with these types of dramas then site this as an example, dump him and move on. If you choose to hear him out, accept his explanation and stay, then expect more of the same.

Snooky

Hey Snooky,

Its ya girl SRP back with another dilemma…

My boyfriend did not come home last night and I am pissed off! He left around 9:00 pm to say he was hanging out with the boys. I called him around 1:30am and he said he would be home shortly. I awoke at 4:30 and he had not returned. When I left for work this morning at 8:00 he was still not home. I called his phone 3 times and he did not answer. When I left this morning, I put the deadbolt on the door and left through the garage (he doesn’t have the key to the deadbolt). He will have to take his ass back to whoever kept him from coming home last. It’s now 9:15am and I still haven’t heard from him. On one hand I am worried that something happened to him, but something in me says this is not the case.

From a man’s point of view, how should I handle this situation? Should I blow up and curse his ass out, or stay silent and keep him locked out of the house? I just don’t know how to handle this situation. To be honest, I am fed up. I am working two jobs, trying to start my own business and still manage to come home, cook, clean and tend to his needs. It’s so disappointing that at 30 years of age, he does not possess the maturity or the dedication to participate in a positive, healthy relationship. In the end, I can’t blame him for being who he is. It is my choice what and who I accept into my life. I am here once again because I failed to pay attention to the signs.

Signed,

Suddenly Single…….again (aka SRP)

Hey SRP

I thought I was through getting e-mails from you (at least along these lines about this dude). Once again, I feel like you’re only writing to me for validation. You really do know what to do. Re-read the last sentence of your letter. “In the end, I can’t blame him for being who he is. It is my choice what and who I accept into my life. I am here once again because I failed to pay attention to the signs.”

Why can’t you leave this guy? We teach people how to treat us. What is the lesson that you teaching him when it comes to interacting with you? I know that it is rough out here for women. I get about a dozen letters a week from women complaining about their men. You also have a good idea of what he’ll say when he does decide to surface. He knows how to get in your good graces when he wants to. Let me say this one time and one time only. If you are serious about getting rid of this guy, then get rid of him. DO NOT TALK ABOUT GETTING RID OF HIM. GET RID OF HIM. That means, do not talk to him in person, by e-mail or phone. Put a call block on all of his numbers. DO NOT ACCEPT HIS CALLS! What is there to talk about? Haven’t you heard enough excuses from him? I know I have. Actions speak louder than words. Show him that you are serious by changing those locks and leaving his ass.

Snooky

Hey Cabbie,

I am an educated African American male in his late 20's. I am not married or currently in a relationship nor do i have any baby mamas. In the last 3 months, I have had explicit dreams involving me and another male. I'd say I've had about 4 of them. None of the with the same person and they have been very clear and vivid. I am straight and consider myself to be sexually conservative. I was not molested as a child nor have I experimented with the fag stuff. What do you think this means? Is this something that you think I need to explore or have I seen Broke Back Mountain one too many times?

Confused but OK,

DDM

Brother DDM:

I am not a psychologist or dream interpreter. Let’s see, you’ve had approximately four homosexual dreams over the past three months and you want to know what this means and if this is something you should “explore.” Let’s slow down and pump your brakes for a moment. You referenced the movie “Broke Back Mountain.” How many times have you seen the movie?

I have no idea why you’ve had these dreams and I have no idea why you’ve chosen to put such a focus in this area. You failed to share your reaction to these dreams. Did you like the dreams? How did the end? What happens in the dreams? You can choose to ignore the dreams or focus on the dreams. If you have no interest in this area, then forget it. However, if you have no interest in this area and can’t stop thinking about the dreams, then that’s another story.

Not sure I can help you with this one dude--not enough info.

One of our columnist recently wrote a column on this topic. You might find it interesting (www.blackmeninamerica.com/people2.htm#James). By the way, I’d would eliminate the “fag” references—not good. This is an offensive term.

Snooky

Hi Snooky,

It’s been a while since I’ve reached out to you for advice concerning love, but today I need your opinion.

While at my cousins birthday party over the weekend my boyfriend received a call. I notice how he didn’t want to answer the call and was about to send the call to voicemail when my cousin teasingly asked him who would be calling him at such a late hour (2:30 am). Unbeknown to my cousin, my boyfriend and I have been down this road before regarding “female callers”. He seen the look in my eye and with all eyes on him he had to answer the phone. I couldn’t make out what the person was saying but I could tell from the voice pitch that it was a woman. He told her he was over his girlfriend’s cousin house and he would have to get back with her. I asked who the caller was and he said she was a friend from work. He said she was with a group of people he was hanging at a sports bar with earlier that evening and she called to see if the group was still hanging out. I thought that was reasonable explanation until the phone rang again. He said it was the same person. He answered and proceeded to tell her the same thing. At this point I was passed pissed because I felt something was up. He thought me being mad was unjustified because there was nothing going on between him and the girl. My cousin stepped in and said “Okay she is just a friend and she was calling to check to see if you and the guys you work with were still hanging out. But when you told her you are with your girlfriend then that should have been the end of the call and she should not be calling you back”. “With her calling you back like that it does appear that something is up”. Needless to say, we went back and forth about this for hours and we ended up getting into a big argument.

He feels there is nothing wrong with him being friends with a woman or talking to a woman on the phone as long as he does not cross the line and sleep with her or take her out. True enough I do believe men and women can be friends, but I know the difference between a strictly platonic friend and the other kind of friend. I’ve made friends with males over the course of our relationship but he has met them and they do not call my phone at 2 or 3 in the morning.

I am so disappointed in him. I thought I had someone who I could finally trust. I thought I had resolved my trust issues with men. After the weekend, all those old wounds just opened up and it has me exhausted. How can I trust him again? He apologized to me but that doesn’t make the pain go away. I don’t want to worry that every time his phone ring and he doesn’t answer it’s some woman. I don’t want to feel anxiety every time he goes out with his friends. Snooky, I have resorted to checking his phone when he is sleep and I have never done that before to anyone. I just don’t know what to do. I was so happy with him until this point. He spends quality time with me, he funny, very attentive and a hard worker. We have our quarrels over things but we get passed them. I just don’t know how I am going to get pass this. Can you offer any advice to my situation?

Signed,

SRP

Dear SRP:

This is a tough situation in that he spends quality time with you; he's funny, yada, yada, yada. The big thing is you've caught him in a lie or two--big lies. It's hard to buy his story. You don't get phone calls from "friends" at 2:00 and 3:00 am. Those calls are usually from "f#@k buddies" or "friends with benefits.”

What's more disturbing is your behavior. I feel like I kind of know you. Look at how low you've slipped. I say “slipped” because you can recover. You're sneaking around checking his phone. What kind of life is that? Stressful, that's what kind.

We teach people how to treat us. What are you teaching this guy? He may be a great guy, but he's a great guy taking advantage of your trusting ways. It seems as if you wanted him to be so good that you have lowered your standards. It you’re your cousin “popping off” to get your attention.

It's hard for me to say talk to him because he's likely to deny and lie again. You know if he's telling the truth. Just take a deep breath and listen to that inner voice of yours, NOT HIS. Judge that dude on his behavior and nothing else. His “Trust Bank Account” with you is currently OVERDRAWN!

Snooky

Dear Snooky,

Here is another one for you. Please, if possible let our black men know about this. Please inform them that they must take care of their feet. I have met men that rate 10-plus on a scale of 1-10. They appear to be the total physical package. I notice men's feet, especially during the summer months. A lot of men don't take care of their feet.   I notice thick skin on the heels, fungus on the toenails and toenails that are dark and uncut. This is a turn off.

Men expect us to have well manicured toenails and feet, but they seem to forget that their feet is a part of their body as well. The last man that I dated had the feet of a alligator. His nails were long, dark and thick. He actually kept his socks on, with good reason, which is another turn off.

Also Snooky, please tell men to do a better job of washing their feet. You know a shower is good, but sometimes a long soak in the tub does not not hurt.

When you see a brother with messed up feet and toes, it kind of makes you wonder about his woman. I interact with businessmen, but many of those guys have messed up feet. I've never met a man with good feet.

Please let men know that taking care of your feet is important to women. For a man to be fine from the head to the ankles is not enough. All of the expensive clothing in the world can not make me overlook claws for feet.

Signed, Fed up with alligator feet brothers.

Dear Fed Up With Alligator Feet Brothers:

I don't have to say a word. You just did. By the way, I agree with you. For the record, "the Snooky man" has great feet and toes. I've never had a pedicure or manicure. I guess I just got it like that. I do use a foot cream called Feet Treat. It is great. Thank you for putting men with crusty feet on blast and keeping it real.

Dear Snooky:

For the past year I’ve been occasionally hanging out with this girl I met on the job. During the process of getting to know one another, she expressed how her level of trust for women has been broken by repeated toxic, backstabbing people she had developed friendships with. Me being a woman and also having a few negative experiences befriending someone, I could relate and understand her current state of mind. She expressed her desire of wanting to surround herself with more positive and proactive women with whom she could bond with. Seeing that this sistah was really in need of a group a women who could influence a change on her theory about black women and how we should relate to one another, I decided to introduce her to my small circle of friends. My friends are a beautifully eclectic mixing bowl of people from all walks of life. One thing that keeps all of us bonded together is that we continuously support and uplift each other. Now don’t get me wrong we have had our share of disagreements but we still stay positive towards each other.

Anyway, I decided to introduce her to my best cousin who is a very funny, outgoing person. Weekend parties and gatherings became common between the three of us. We exposed her to different cultures and activities she was never fortunate enough to experience with the friends she currently associated with. I knew from the beginning she was what some considered a little rough around the edges, ghetto, for lack of better words. I thought if she saw what the flip side of the coin was like it would aid her at becoming a better person. A few months after we started connecting I noticed she would constantly compare herself to other women and talk negative about her friends. About three months ago my cousin and I decided that including her in certain weekend activities was not in our best interest anymore due to her wanting to include the negative people she “claimed” to want distance from. I am open to hang out with people of all kinds but these ladies, uh, let me change that to “females” were…”How can I gently put this?” A HOT DAMN MESS!

These were grown women who were extra loud and immature. They’re idea of a good time is getting drunk and hitting the club to fight people. Needless to say, I was not trying to entertain this type of foolishness. She and I stayed in contact but our meetings became far and in between. One night over a few margaritas, my cousin expressed to me that she was concerned this person might not have good intentions and felt she was not all the way ready to leave her ghetto street ways behind. My cousin felt if I continued to associate with her, she would bring some “bullshit” (her words, not mine) my way. I trusted my cousin’s evaluation because at that time, I too was getting a not so cool vibe from her. To get to meat of this situation, I will jump to what happened over the weekend. I had not seen or heard from her in a while so when she pooped over my house Friday I was surprised. She invited me to go downtown with her the next night to hang out. At first, I thought “why not?” we were going to a nice party where there would be a nice class of people who I felt comfortable with.

We arrive downtown the next evening and too my horror here come the HAMS. I admit it was my fault for not asking upfront who would be attending with us. I just assumed it would be the two of us because she never mentioned anyone else. Snoooooooky!!! Please excuse my French but these heifers acted a fool. They were way past drunk, dressed like skeezers and to make matters worse, they were starting trouble with almost every female who crossed their path. I was horrified but as my cousin would say “That’s what your ass get.” The night was almost over so I thought if I mingled on my own I could pass the time and at the same time remove myself from the Niggrodian display that was going on.

When it was all over and my humiliation level was off the chart, I came face to face with who this person really is. I decided to have a woman to woman talk with her when we reached her house about her behavior and how I felt that she put me in danger. She did not have to respond to me because the look on her face said it all. My Momma once told me a drunken person speaks a sober mind and that night I believed every word my Momma said. This girl went on for 30 minutes about how she could tell I thought she was jealous and envious of me and my sister’s beauty and success. She came out of nowhere with a comment about how I have to be the center of attention whenever men were around. I could go on and on but in short, she basically said she couldn’t stand me and my circle of friends because we “acted like we are all dat.”

In a strange way my feelings were hurt. Not because there was truth to her claim but because after all the positive influence my friends and I tried to expose this sistah to she still managed to turned into yet another negative experience. My sister made sense of this situation by explaining to me that some people don’t want to be helped. She says when you deal with a person who has for years surrounded themselves with negative people, drama, jealousy, competition and anger it is difficult for that person to go into a positive situation and know how to act. With the advice of my real sistahs and my own judgment, I have decided to cut this person out of my life for good. My question to you: Should I tell her that this is the end of our friendship or should I just be done with it?

Signed, Friend or Foe

Dear Friend or Foe:

The way you told this story was Laugh Out Loud funny. To answer your question, I would NOT say a thing or waste any more time with this woman. Actions speak louder than words. Be done with it. Besides, if you try to explain anything to her, you're only asking for more drama. She will twist your words and not appreciate your intent. If you choose to do otherwise, just remember the quote from your cousin: “That’s what your ass get.”

Earlier you used the terms "HAMS" to descibe the women. Help a brother out. What are HAMS? Are we talking big bone, corn fed sistahs with attitudes who will whip your ass on a whim?

Snooky

Dear Snooky,

You give great advice and I really am in need of it so thank you in advance. I have been in a relationship for almost a year with a man who is almost perfect. We have so much in common. He has a lot of qualities that I have. He is extremely thoughtful, we spend so much time together that we have been talking about finding a place together. He caters to most of my needs. At night sometimes all we do is lay down, talk and laugh all night. It feels like I fell in love with one of my best friends. I trust him. Trust was never something that came easily to me but I trust him based on his actions. I was never one to just believe in the beautiful words these men say these days. He truly is a real man and I finally know what a real man is supposed to be like. I have one child from a previous relationship and he treats her so good, helps her with homework, and he teaches her things that her father should. Ok, now on to his flaw...we don't have enough sex. The sex is wonderful when we do it. We do it about once a week now and that is not enough. He told me upfront in the relationship that he is not a person that thinks sex is everything in a relationship. He does say he enjoys it. I am not one to just lay there and let him do all the work, I like to initiate, I like to be on top sometimes, I like to give oral sex, I am willing to try any and everything except a three way. The first two months of the relationship we did it more often. I am very verbal and so I asked him why the change. He claims he is "tired". Ok, granted he works two part time jobs, one in the morning and one in the evening. He gets to my house after work around 9:30 to 10 at night. I serve him dinner and then he gets sleepy. I believe that when you like something you make time for it. I am tired a lot too but I still make time for it. Sometimes when I initiate he says that I'm too aggressive like a guy, lol. So I took a step back because when we do have sex he does like to do all the work. He doesn't have any special requests, no fantasies, nothing that I can work with. It crossed my mind on whether or not he may be gay, but that suspicion was squashed when I was using his laptop one day and I saw recent searches for chunky girls pornography, lol. I don't know what to think, I know he finds me attractive, I know he enjoys the sex when we do it. I just don't understand why it is so infrequent. Can he be cheating? He doesn't show any signs.   He answers his cell phone, the ringer is always on, I have keys to his apartment, I can come over unannounced, I just don't know what to think. Could it be just what he says....he is just "tired"?

No Sex in NY

Well No Sex in NY:

One of the things that I always tell women to look for in a man is consistency in behavior. Your guy appears to be very consistent. Now I have to tell you, given the scenario that you painted, my ass would be drinking Mountain Dew and taking caffeine pills to make sure I didn't fall asleep on you. It is rare to find a woman who can apparently "put it down" like you. You said he works two part-time jobs. Are they strenuous jobs? Short of working construction or hauling bricks, I'd think he could "sweat your weave out" more than once a week. But I digress. Let's look at the positives, which far outweigh the negatives.

You have a good man who has accepted your daughter. He is loving and thoughtful. The only flaw is not enough sex. Hmmm. Let's rule out the gay thing (chunky girls on the search engine). So he is into heavy lifting (smile). You know he is capable in the bedroom. You just have want a little more. Can you adjust the times that you have sex? Change the routine. I get the sense you're on call 24/7/365 if he wanted it that way. Maybe you can get him to "hit it" the morning after a good night's sleep. You certainly give the sense that you know how to please a man in the bedroom. You want to make it HOT so he wants to "strike you ass like a box of stick matches." Set that room on FIRE!

Maybe you should alter his diet. I don't know what you're feeding that man, but its knocking him out. Ease up on the pork chops, biscuits and gravy. Give him some baked fish and mix in a salad. Get his ass lean and mean and jump on his ass before "Mr. Sandman" steps in.

If all of that fails, you may have to accept the fact that he is tired from working two jobs. Stress is a killer and will deplete you. He probably has a sense or indication that you are frustrated. Keep the lines of communication open. Don't shut down. Work with him and find a way through this temporary situation.
Snooky

Hey Snooky,

I need some advice. I am 37 years old. I was in a steady relationship with a younger man for 4 years and off-and-on for the past 3 years.

During the 4-year span, he did everything that he wanted. I was spoiling him rotten and I later found out that every other woman was spoiling him too. He was still seeing his ex's and lying to me about it. He was even bringing the women to my home. He tried to make me befriend them. He would talk to me like I had a tail between my legs sometimes. I know that a great deal of that behavior was due to the difference in our age... I think... :)

Finally, he left. He was dating a cousin of his by marriage - but still seeing me. He lied the entire time. Then one day out of the blue he calls me and tells me he is getting married.

We didn't speak until Dec of 2006. He wanted to speak with me. Once we spoke he apologized for all of the things he had done and explained that he had accepted Christ and was trying to change his life. That lasted about 2 weeks.

He and I got back together and finally he moved back in. I was still hesitant because I was having MAJOR trust issues with our past. I forgave him, but I just didn't feel like he was changing. Well, I looked at his cell phone one Sunday morning to find that he had a picture of one of his "home girl's" private parts and he had sent her a pic of his as well.

We got into this huge argument that was disastrous. He tried so hard to make it my fault. He boasted in my face about how many women wanted him. Like I am a dog? Oh... he was also supposed to be stopping his drug use, which started right back up - if it ever really stopped.

So, he moved out, however, we were still working on the relationship. The thinking was it would be better for him to actually establish some independence for himself since he’s never been able to keep a job.

I have tried so hard to help him anyway that I could. I am not an angel... I have a temper. I do love this man very much. I have been fighting and holding on trying to get him to see it. It is not the sex, because he could use some help in that department.

Now, I find out he is seeing other women. He still needs and wants my help, but just NOT in that way.

I allowed all of my confidence to be drained from me. I went broke being stupid and in some strange way, he scares - well... let's say intimidates me. He knows he has a great deal of control over me.

I am trying to make sure I am not sitting at home waiting for him to find time for me. The other day I found out he was snooping around my apartment. But if you really don't want me, why are you doing that? I know, he thinks he loves me in his own sick twisted way.

I don't know how to let go of him. I really in my heart don't want to lose him because he is my first true love. He is about to be 27 years old. He has yet to grow up. I know that he is not good for me - he brings me down because he would rather compliment the women on television than me. He still speaks to me the same way sometimes. He claims he misses me but his pride won't let him do the right thing...WTF?!?

I have never had a man take control of my life like this. I don't know what to do.

I have a very high sex drive and did anything and everything he wanted and then some. After all that I was getting 5 minutes, 15 minutes and NO foreplay. He has a nice package but he’s so selfish the only person he is worried about “getting off” is himself.

When I asked him if he wanted me to move on he told me that it was up to me and that he had too much on his plate to worry about it. But yet has takes the effort to spy on me? He said he has seen people at my home. Granted, I have friends but why does he care? If I did the same thing to him he would try to kill me.

Last night he called and stated that he was just wanted to see what I was up to. During the conversation he started to brag about the fact that he needed to hurry up and make some money for this weekend. I didn't respond. I wasn't interested so we got off of the phone. Two minutes later I tried to call back because I needed to ask a quick question...NO ANSWER.

So I sent him a text letting him know that I know why he is not answering the phone and that I find it very tacky that he has no respect for me whatsoever and that all he had to do was excuse himself.

The next time we spoke he told me I was tripping and that I don't know what I am talking about. I said okay and hung up the phone.

I don't know why he insists on hurting me when I have been the only person helping him. All I tried to do was love him and try to show him that through love, you can soar like an eagle. Instead I get ignored, cussed out, cheated on and put on a back burner that I DON'T DESERVE. I am way better than that. I am a good woman. I want to break this cycle. I have wasted too much energy, love, heart, blood and tears into this relationship to get nothing but pain in return. I love this man with every fiber of my soul. This is killing me. I am miserable, depressed and heart broken and sadly enough I am still in love with him.

I just feel helpless and lost. I want the old “ME” back--the person who was bigger and stronger who never let these things affect me. Please help me.

Denny

Dear Denny:

Your letter showcases a wide variety of emotions. As I read this letter I sensed pain, heartbreak, self-doubt, desperation, embarrassment, sadness and abuse. Yes, I said abuse—verbal and emotional abuse which often leads to physical abuse.

Where do I start? I read your letter three times. The sad thing (and still very common among people in these types of twisted relationships) is that you know this is a toxic and one-sided relationship. If you take a sheet of paper and draw a line down the middle of the page and list all of the positive aspects of the relationship on the left side of the page and all of the negative aspects of the relationship on the right side of the page, clearly the right side would be longer. You make mistakes for this man and stay for the abuse. You say you love this man. Why do you think you love him? Where’s the added value that he brings? Where is the happiness and the mutual respect?

Over the years, you have taught this man how to treat you—poorly. He did not take away your dignity and self-respect—you gave it away. Yes, he took advantage of you, but you made it very easy to do so. You tried to freak him in the bedroom, help him with his drug problem, and knowingly put up with his infidelity that he flaunted in front of you.

I can’t share any insights with you that you don’t already know. The only thing I can do is to put what you already know in front of you in such a way that it captures your attention and either shocks you or shames you into doing better.

There is nothing about the behavior of this man that indicates one scintilla of love for you. You have the power to change the circumstances of this relationship. Why won’t you exercise this power? Why do you stay? The longer you stay, the greater your risk of depression (which may have already started) and the greater the chances that you will do something terribly stupid that you will regret. So save yourself the heartache and reclaim your self-respect and get out now.

You say you don’t deserve this kind of treatment. Well prove it by leaving and cutting this man out of your life. You can’t save him and despite what he says, he does not want to be saved.

I know you say you love him, but you need to get over it and STOP the foolishness. One-way relationships are not healthy and they never last. What makes you think you’re different?

Make significant personal statement and get out of the relationship now before it’s too late. One last thing, consider getting professional counseling. This is serious. Your life is at stake and you need to claim it back.
Snooky
Dear Snooky,

My best friend of 15 years is working my last nerve. I don’t even know where to start. I guess I can begin with her disrespectful, dope snorting, abusive baby’s father. She has been in this chaotic, downward spiral, toxic relationship for the past 2 years. I tried to stay quiet on this situation and just be there for her when things get bad, but now things are out of control. She has moved 5 times in two years because every time she puts him out or upsets him he demolishes her house, car, etc. Every time she settles into a new place she allows him to snake his way back into her life. There was one time when she and her two daughters had to go to a women’s shelter because she was put out of yet another place due to his ass acting foolish. At first, I felt sorry for her and added this to another bad hand that life had dealt her again. But time after time she continues to take him back no matter what he does. The supposed “final” time was just a few weeks ago, right after she gave birth to her third daughter. She had been out of work for some time so she depended on him to take care of everything. When she got out of the hospital she found out that he had not paid the rent in two months and she had to be out in 14 days. He wasn’t worried about where they were going to go because he had his own apartment. I was going to offer her a place to stay if all other possibilities were exhausted, but I could not have that drama at my house and without her having a job I had no idea how long they would be at my place. However, I did offer to store all of her belongings in my garage until she found a place. The sack of shit found a piece of sympathy and took her and the kids in to live in the two-bedroom apartment he shared with his adult brother.

He disrespected her so bad while she was there she was in tears. I finally told her that she and the girls were welcome to come to my house. She declined the offer stating that if she left him he would forget about giving her the money to get another place. She claimed she had a plan to get away from him. She was going to endure what she had to until he found her another place to stay then end the relationship. One week later she found a place and moved in. She kept to her word and told him it was best they not be together but stay cordial for their baby girl. Needless to say, he flipped out again busting out the house windows while she was gone one evening. She filed a restraining order and declared at that moment she had enough. She said she refused to move and put her children through that again. I really felt like she meant it this time. She started looking for a job, making plans for her future and spending quality time with her kids. I told her I would do everything I could to support her with getting herself together. I paid her cell phone bill, made trips across town several times to deliver clothing and household items she still had in my garage and I stayed up late or got up early some days because she couldn’t sleep because she was afraid he would come over to do something crazy to her. I really was pulling for her this time. He continued to call begging her to take him back and release the restraining order so he could see their daughter. I told her that was bullshit. If he wanted to see his daughter either myself or her mother would volunteer to drop the baby off to him or his mother. When I talked to her a couple of days ago I could tell in her voice she was getting weak and contemplating taking him back. She proved my theory when I called today and old ugly Moodergrass answered the phone.

Snooky, I could have screamed. I didn’t get to talk to her because he said she was getting dressed. I wasn’t surprised when she didn’t return my call. This frustrates me because I love my Goddaughters so much and I can’t stand the way she is putting this fool before them. I am tired of listening about the dumb stuff she allows him to do. I am tired of trying to help her when she doesn’t want to help herself. I love her to death but I have to step out this time. I haven’t told her yet, but since he is back in the house hold there is no need for her to use my garage as a public storage facility. I am through with the drama. If she wants to sit around, not work and totally depend on him that is on her.

Am I wrong for not having her back in this situation? Would I be wrong to tell her how I feel or should I just walk away and let her be?

Signed, Too Through

Dear Too Through:

Unfortunately, there is NOT much you can do. You can only do so much. Your friend has to ultimately take responsibility for her actions. You have given her every opportunity to get help and she has not taken advantage of your kindness and generosity. The fact that she took him back (again) should be the last straw for you. Some folks have to hit rock bottom. I guess what I'm advising you to do is to "let her go."

Snooky

Dear Snooky:

You made a good point in the advice you gave me. I wish I would have read your advice earlier because I failed with the Marine today.

I took a day off. After my Marine friend got through playing golf this morning, he texted me. I told him I was home. He asked to come over. I said, "Yes." I figured this would be a good time and a quiet time since my son was at school to END the relationship.

He came over, he hugged me and tried to give me a passionate kiss. But I pulled away. Here's the dialogue.

Marine: "Baby what's wrong?"

Me: "Oh wow, you have silver strings of hair in your beard. I didn't notice that the last time we met."

Marine: "Yes just like your silver strings in your hair. So who's older than you?"

Me: "Well I am the oldest. We go to Starbucks and pick up two Lattes and come back to my place."

Marine: He immediately gives me another hug, he picks me up, and my bedroom door is open. He takes me in there; lays me on the bed.

Me: I stop him. "I said, "We need to seriously talk."

Marine: "You make me so vulnerable."

Me: "I like you also."

Marine: "Ssh. Please don't mess up my good nut."

Me. "Fine!" I got up to cleaned myself, came back and cleaned him. Went back to the bathroom and got dress, when I came out he was already dress. I had to leave to go and pick up my son so he left also. But he promise we were going to really talk the next time. Which will be this coming Saturday.

Snooky, how do I break up with this guy?

Signed,

Nothing Permanent

Dear Nothing Permanent:

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