Signed,
SRP
Dear SRP:
This is a
tough situation in that he spends quality time with you;
he's funny, yada, yada, yada. The big thing is you've
caught him in a lie or two--big lies. It's hard to buy his
story. You don't get phone calls from "friends" at 2:00 and
3:00 am. Those calls are usually from "f#@k buddies" or
"friends with benefits.”
What's
more disturbing is your behavior. I feel like I kind of know
you. Look at how low you've slipped. I say “slipped”
because you can recover. You're sneaking around checking
his phone. What kind of life is that? Stressful, that's
what kind.
We teach
people how to treat us. What are you teaching this guy? He
may be a great guy, but he's a great guy taking advantage of
your trusting ways. It seems as if you wanted him to be so
good that you have lowered your standards. It you’re your
cousin “popping off” to get your attention.
It's hard
for me to say talk to him because he's likely to deny and
lie again. You know if he's telling the truth. Just take a
deep breath and listen to that inner voice of yours, NOT
HIS. Judge that dude on his behavior and nothing else. His
“Trust Bank Account” with you is currently
OVERDRAWN!
Snooky
Dear
Snooky,
Here is
another one for you. Please, if possible let our black men
know about this. Please inform them that they must take
care of their feet. I have met men that rate 10-plus on a
scale of 1-10. They appear to be the total physical
package. I notice men's feet, especially during the
summer months. A lot of men don't take care of their
feet. I notice thick skin on the heels, fungus on the
toenails and toenails that are dark and uncut. This is a
turn off.
Men
expect us to have well manicured toenails and feet, but they
seem to forget that their feet is a part of their body as
well. The last man that I dated had the feet of a
alligator. His nails were long, dark and thick. He
actually kept his socks on, with good reason, which is
another turn off.
Also
Snooky, please tell men to do a better job of washing their
feet. You know a shower is good, but sometimes a long soak
in the tub does not not hurt.
When you
see a brother with messed up feet and toes, it kind of makes
you wonder about his woman. I interact with
businessmen, but many of those guys have messed up feet.
I've never met a man with good feet.
Please
let men know that taking care of your feet is important to
women. For a man to be fine from the head to the ankles is
not enough. All of the expensive clothing in the world can
not make me overlook claws for feet.
Signed,
Fed up with alligator feet brothers.
Dear Fed
Up With Alligator Feet Brothers:
I don't
have to say a word. You just did. By the way, I
agree with you. For the record, "the Snooky man" has
great feet and toes. I've never had a pedicure or
manicure. I guess I just got it like that. I do
use a foot cream called Feet Treat. It is great.
Thank you for putting men with crusty feet on blast and
keeping it real.
Dear
Snooky:
For the
past year I’ve been occasionally hanging out with this girl
I met on the job. During the process of getting to know one
another, she expressed how her level of trust for women has
been broken by repeated toxic, backstabbing people she had
developed friendships with. Me being a woman and also having
a few negative experiences befriending someone, I could
relate and understand her current state of mind. She
expressed her desire of wanting to surround herself with
more positive and proactive women with whom she could bond
with. Seeing that this sistah was really in need of a group
a women who could influence a change on her theory about
black women and how we should relate to one another, I
decided to introduce her to my small circle of friends. My
friends are a beautifully eclectic mixing bowl of people
from all walks of life. One thing that keeps all of us
bonded together is that we continuously support and uplift
each other. Now don’t get me wrong we have had our share of
disagreements but we still stay positive towards each
other.
Anyway, I
decided to introduce her to my best cousin who is a very
funny, outgoing person. Weekend parties and gatherings
became common between the three of us. We exposed her to
different cultures and activities she was never fortunate
enough to experience with the friends she currently
associated with. I knew from the beginning she was what
some considered a little rough around the edges, ghetto, for
lack of better words. I thought if she saw what the flip
side of the coin was like it would aid her at becoming a
better person. A few months after we started connecting I
noticed she would constantly compare herself to other women
and talk negative about her friends. About three months ago
my cousin and I decided that including her in certain
weekend activities was not in our best interest anymore due
to her wanting to include the negative people she “claimed”
to want distance from. I am open to hang out with people of
all kinds but these ladies, uh, let me change that to
“females” were…”How can I gently put this?” A HOT DAMN
MESS!
These
were grown women who were extra loud and immature. They’re
idea of a good time is getting drunk and hitting the club to
fight people. Needless to say, I was not trying to
entertain this type of foolishness. She and I stayed in
contact but our meetings became far and in between. One
night over a few margaritas, my cousin expressed to me that
she was concerned this person might not have good intentions
and felt she was not all the way ready to leave her ghetto
street ways behind. My cousin felt if I continued to
associate with her, she would bring some “bullshit” (her
words, not mine) my way. I trusted my cousin’s evaluation
because at that time, I too was getting a not so cool vibe
from her. To get to meat of this situation, I will jump to
what happened over the weekend. I had not seen or heard
from her in a while so when she pooped over my house Friday
I was surprised. She invited me to go downtown with her the
next night to hang out. At first, I thought “why not?” we
were going to a nice party where there would be a nice class
of people who I felt comfortable with.
We arrive
downtown the next evening and too my horror here come the
HAMS. I admit it was my fault for not asking upfront
who would be attending with us. I just assumed it would be
the two of us because she never mentioned anyone else.
Snoooooooky!!! Please excuse my French but these heifers
acted a fool. They were way past drunk, dressed like
skeezers and to make matters worse, they were starting
trouble with almost every female who crossed their path. I
was horrified but as my cousin would say “That’s what
your ass get.” The night was almost over so I thought if
I mingled on my own I could pass the time and at the same
time remove myself from the Niggrodian display that was
going on.
When it
was all over and my humiliation level was off the chart, I
came face to face with who this person really is. I decided
to have a woman to woman talk with her when we reached her
house about her behavior and how I felt that she put me in
danger. She did not have to respond to me because the look
on her face said it all. My Momma once told me a drunken
person speaks a sober mind and that night I believed every
word my Momma said. This girl went on for 30 minutes about
how she could tell I thought she was jealous and envious of
me and my sister’s beauty and success. She came out of
nowhere with a comment about how I have to be the center of
attention whenever men were around. I could go on and on but
in short, she basically said she couldn’t stand me and my
circle of friends because we “acted like we are all dat.”
In a
strange way my feelings were hurt. Not because there was
truth to her claim but because after all the positive
influence my friends and I tried to expose this sistah to
she still managed to turned into yet another negative
experience. My sister made sense of this situation by
explaining to me that some people don’t want to be helped.
She says when you deal with a person who has for years
surrounded themselves with negative people, drama, jealousy,
competition and anger it is difficult for that person to go
into a positive situation and know how to act. With the
advice of my real sistahs and my own judgment, I have
decided to cut this person out of my life for good. My
question to you: Should I tell her that this is the end
of our friendship or should I just be done with it?
Signed,
Friend or Foe
Dear Friend or Foe:
The way you told this story was Laugh Out
Loud funny. To
answer your question, I would NOT say a thing or waste any
more time with this woman. Actions speak louder than
words. Be done with it. Besides, if you try to
explain anything to her, you're only asking for more drama.
She will twist your words and not appreciate your intent.
If you choose to do otherwise,
just remember the quote from your cousin: “That’s
what your ass get.”
Earlier you used the terms
"HAMS" to descibe the women. Help a brother out. What are
HAMS? Are we talking big bone, corn fed sistahs with
attitudes who will whip your ass on a whim?
Snooky
Dear Snooky,
You give great advice and I
really am in need of it so thank you in advance. I have
been in a relationship for almost a year with a man who is
almost perfect. We have so much in common. He has a lot of
qualities that I have. He is extremely thoughtful, we spend
so much time together that we have been talking about
finding a place together. He caters to most of my needs.
At night sometimes all we do is lay down, talk and laugh all
night. It feels like I fell in love with one of my best
friends. I trust him. Trust was never something that came
easily to me but I trust him based on his actions. I was
never one to just believe in the beautiful words these men
say these days. He truly is a real man and I finally know
what a real man is supposed to be like. I have one child
from a previous relationship and he treats her so good,
helps her with homework, and he teaches her things that her
father should. Ok, now on to his flaw...we don't have
enough sex. The sex is wonderful when we do it. We do it
about once a week now and that is not enough. He told me
upfront in the relationship that he is not a person that
thinks sex is everything in a relationship. He does say he
enjoys it. I am not one to just lay there and let him do
all the work, I like to initiate, I like to be on top
sometimes, I like to give oral sex, I am willing to try any
and everything except a three way. The first two months of
the relationship we did it more often. I am very verbal and
so I asked him why the change. He claims he is "tired". Ok,
granted he works two part time jobs, one in the morning and
one in the evening. He gets to my house after work around
9:30 to 10 at night. I serve him dinner and then he gets
sleepy. I believe that when you like something you make
time for it. I am tired a lot too but I still make time for
it. Sometimes when I initiate he says that I'm too
aggressive like a guy, lol. So I took a step back because
when we do have sex he does like to do all the work. He
doesn't have any special requests, no fantasies, nothing
that I can work with. It crossed my mind on whether or not
he may be gay, but that suspicion was squashed when I was
using his laptop one day and I saw recent searches for
chunky girls pornography, lol. I don't know what to think,
I know he finds me attractive, I know he enjoys the sex when
we do it. I just don't understand why it is so infrequent.
Can he be cheating? He doesn't show any signs. He answers
his cell phone, the ringer is always on, I have keys to his
apartment, I can come over unannounced, I just don't know
what to think. Could it be just what he says....he is just
"tired"?
No Sex in NY
Well No
Sex in NY:
One of
the things that I always tell women to look for in a man is
consistency in behavior. Your guy appears to be very
consistent. Now I have to tell you, given the scenario that
you painted, my ass would be drinking Mountain Dew and
taking caffeine pills to make sure I didn't fall asleep on
you. It is rare to find a woman who can apparently "put it
down" like you. You said he works two part-time jobs. Are
they strenuous jobs? Short of working construction or
hauling bricks, I'd think he could "sweat your weave out"
more than once a week. But I digress. Let's look at the
positives, which far outweigh the negatives.
You have
a good man who has accepted your daughter. He is loving and
thoughtful. The only flaw is not enough sex. Hmmm. Let's
rule out the gay thing (chunky girls on the search engine).
So he is into heavy lifting (smile). You know he is capable
in the bedroom. You just have want a little more. Can you
adjust the times that you have sex? Change the routine. I
get the sense you're on call 24/7/365 if he wanted it that
way. Maybe you can get him to "hit it" the morning after a
good night's sleep. You certainly give the sense that you
know how to please a man in the bedroom. You want to make
it HOT so he wants to "strike you ass like a box of stick
matches." Set that room on FIRE!
Maybe you
should alter his diet. I don't know what you're feeding
that man, but its knocking him out. Ease up on the pork
chops, biscuits and gravy. Give him some baked fish and mix
in a salad. Get his ass lean and mean and jump on his ass
before "Mr. Sandman" steps in.
If all of
that fails, you may have to accept the fact that he is tired
from working two jobs. Stress is a killer and will deplete
you. He probably has a sense or indication that you are
frustrated. Keep the lines of communication open. Don't
shut down. Work with him and find a way through this
temporary situation.
Snooky
Hey Snooky,
I need some advice. I am 37
years old. I was in a steady relationship with a younger
man for 4 years and off-and-on for the past 3 years.
During the 4-year span, he did
everything that he wanted. I was spoiling him rotten and I
later found out that every other woman was spoiling him
too. He was still seeing his ex's and lying to me about
it. He was even bringing the women to my home. He tried to
make me befriend them. He would talk to me like I had a
tail between my legs sometimes. I know that a great deal of
that behavior was due to the difference in our age... I
think... :)
Finally, he left. He was dating a
cousin of his by marriage - but still seeing me. He lied the
entire time. Then one day out of the blue he calls me and
tells me he is getting married.
We didn't speak until Dec of
2006. He wanted to speak with me. Once we spoke he
apologized for all of the things he had done and explained
that he had accepted Christ and was trying to change his
life. That lasted about 2 weeks.
He and I got back together and
finally he moved back in. I was still hesitant because I
was having MAJOR trust issues with our past. I forgave him,
but I just didn't feel like he was changing. Well, I looked
at his cell phone one Sunday morning to find that he had a
picture of one of his "home girl's" private parts and he had
sent her a pic of his as well.
We got into this huge argument
that was disastrous. He tried so hard to make it my fault.
He boasted in my face about how many women wanted him. Like
I am a dog? Oh... he was also supposed to be stopping his
drug use, which started right back up - if it ever really
stopped.
So, he moved out, however, we
were still working on the relationship. The thinking was it
would be better for him to actually establish some
independence for himself since he’s never been able to keep
a job.
I have tried so hard to help him
anyway that I could. I am not an angel... I have a temper.
I do love this man very much. I have been fighting and
holding on trying to get him to see it. It is not the sex,
because he could use some help in that department.
Now, I find out he is seeing
other women. He still needs and wants my help, but just NOT
in that way.
I allowed all of my confidence to
be drained from me. I went broke being stupid and in some
strange way, he scares - well... let's say intimidates me.
He knows he has a great deal of control over me.
I am trying to make sure I am not
sitting at home waiting for him to find time for me. The
other day I found out he was snooping around my apartment.
But if you really don't want me, why are you doing that? I
know, he thinks he loves me in his own sick twisted way.
I don't know how to let go of
him. I really in my heart don't want to lose him because he
is my first true love. He is about to be 27 years old. He
has yet to grow up. I know that he is not good for me - he
brings me down because he would rather compliment the women
on television than me. He still speaks to me the same way
sometimes. He claims he misses me but his pride won't let
him do the right thing...WTF?!?
I have never had a man take
control of my life like this. I don't know what to do.
I have a very high sex drive and
did anything and everything he wanted and then some. After
all that I was getting 5 minutes, 15 minutes and NO
foreplay. He has a nice package but he’s so selfish the only
person he is worried about “getting off” is himself.
When I asked him if he wanted me
to move on he told me that it was up to me and that he had
too much on his plate to worry about it. But yet has takes
the effort to spy on me? He said he has seen people at my
home. Granted, I have friends but why does he care? If I did
the same thing to him he would try to kill me.
Last night he called and stated
that he was just wanted to see what I was up to. During the
conversation he started to brag about the fact that he
needed to hurry up and make some money for this weekend. I
didn't respond. I wasn't interested so we got off of the
phone. Two minutes later I tried to call back because I
needed to ask a quick question...NO ANSWER.
So I sent him a text letting him
know that I know why he is not answering the phone and that
I find it very tacky that he has no respect for me
whatsoever and that all he had to do was excuse himself.
The next time we spoke he told me
I was tripping and that I don't know what I am talking
about. I said okay and hung up the phone.
I don't know why he insists on
hurting me when I have been the only person helping him.
All I tried to do was love him and try to show him that
through love, you can soar like an eagle. Instead I get
ignored, cussed out, cheated on and put on a back burner
that I DON'T DESERVE. I am way better than that. I am a
good woman. I want to break this cycle. I have wasted too
much energy, love, heart, blood and tears into this
relationship to get nothing but pain in return. I love this
man with every fiber of my soul. This is killing me. I am
miserable, depressed and heart broken and sadly enough I am
still in love with him.
I just feel helpless and lost. I
want the old “ME” back--the person who was bigger and
stronger who never let these things affect me. Please help
me.
Denny
Dear Denny:
Your letter
showcases a wide variety of emotions. As I read this letter
I sensed pain, heartbreak, self-doubt, desperation,
embarrassment, sadness and abuse. Yes, I said abuse—verbal
and emotional abuse which often leads to physical abuse.
Where do I
start? I read your letter three times. The sad thing (and
still very common among people in these types of twisted
relationships) is that you know this is a toxic and
one-sided relationship. If you take a sheet of paper and
draw a line down the middle of the page and list all of the
positive aspects of the relationship on the left side of the
page and all of the negative aspects of the relationship on
the right side of the page, clearly the right side would be
longer. You make mistakes for this man and stay for the
abuse. You say you love this man. Why do you think
you love him? Where’s the added value that he brings?
Where is the happiness and the mutual respect?
Over the
years, you have taught this man how to treat you—poorly. He
did not take away your dignity and self-respect—you gave it
away. Yes, he took advantage of you, but you made it very
easy to do so. You tried to freak him in the bedroom, help
him with his drug problem, and knowingly put up with his
infidelity that he flaunted in front of you.
I can’t share
any insights with you that you don’t already know. The only
thing I can do is to put what you already know in front of
you in such a way that it captures your attention and either
shocks you or shames you into doing better.
There is
nothing about the behavior of this man that indicates one
scintilla of love for you. You have the power to change the
circumstances of this relationship. Why won’t you exercise
this power? Why do you stay? The longer you stay, the
greater your risk of depression (which may have already
started) and the greater the chances that you will do
something terribly stupid that you will regret. So save
yourself the heartache and reclaim your self-respect and get
out now.
You say you
don’t deserve this kind of treatment. Well prove it by
leaving and cutting this man out of your life. You can’t
save him and despite what he says, he does not want to be
saved.
I know you say
you love him, but you need to get over it and STOP the
foolishness. One-way relationships are not healthy and they
never last. What makes you think you’re different?
Make
significant personal statement and get out of the
relationship now before it’s too late. One last thing,
consider getting professional counseling. This is serious.
Your life is at stake and you need to claim it back.
Snooky
Dear
Snooky,
My best
friend of 15 years is working my last nerve. I don’t even
know where to start. I guess I can begin with her
disrespectful, dope snorting, abusive baby’s father. She has
been in this chaotic, downward spiral, toxic relationship
for the past 2 years. I tried to stay quiet on this
situation and just be there for her when things get bad, but
now things are out of control. She has moved 5 times in two
years because every time she puts him out or upsets him he
demolishes her house, car, etc. Every time she settles into
a new place she allows him to snake his way back into her
life. There was one time when she and her two daughters had
to go to a women’s shelter because she was put out of yet
another place due to his ass acting foolish. At first, I
felt sorry for her and added this to another bad hand that
life had dealt her again. But time after time she continues
to take him back no matter what he does. The supposed
“final” time was just a few weeks ago, right after she gave
birth to her third daughter. She had been out of work for
some time so she depended on him to take care of everything.
When she got out of the hospital she found out that he had
not paid the rent in two months and she had to be out in 14
days. He wasn’t worried about where they were going to go
because he had his own apartment. I was going to offer her a
place to stay if all other possibilities were exhausted, but
I could not have that drama at my house and without her
having a job I had no idea how long they would be at my
place. However, I did offer to store all of her belongings
in my garage until she found a place. The sack of shit found
a piece of sympathy and took her and the kids in to live in
the two-bedroom apartment he shared with his adult brother.
He
disrespected her so bad while she was there she was in
tears. I finally told her that she and the girls were
welcome to come to my house. She declined the offer stating
that if she left him he would forget about giving her the
money to get another place. She claimed she had a plan to
get away from him. She was going to endure what she had to
until he found her another place to stay then end the
relationship. One week later she found a place and moved in.
She kept to her word and told him it was best they not be
together but stay cordial for their baby girl. Needless to
say, he flipped out again busting out the house windows
while she was gone one evening. She filed a restraining
order and declared at that moment she had enough. She said
she refused to move and put her children through that again.
I really felt like she meant it this time. She started
looking for a job, making plans for her future and spending
quality time with her kids. I told her I would do everything
I could to support her with getting herself together. I paid
her cell phone bill, made trips across town several times to
deliver clothing and household items she still had in my
garage and I stayed up late or got up early some days
because she couldn’t sleep because she was afraid he would
come over to do something crazy to her. I really was pulling
for her this time. He continued to call begging her to take
him back and release the restraining order so he could see
their daughter. I told her that was bullshit. If he wanted
to see his daughter either myself or her mother would
volunteer to drop the baby off to him or his mother. When I
talked to her a couple of days ago I could tell in her voice
she was getting weak and contemplating taking him back. She
proved my theory when I called today and old ugly
Moodergrass answered the phone.
Snooky,
I could have screamed. I didn’t get to talk to her because
he said she was getting dressed. I wasn’t surprised when she
didn’t return my call. This frustrates me because I love my
Goddaughters so much and I can’t stand the way she is
putting this fool before them. I am tired of listening about
the dumb stuff she allows him to do. I am tired of trying to
help her when she doesn’t want to help herself. I love her
to death but I have to step out this time. I haven’t told
her yet, but since he is back in the house hold there is no
need for her to use my garage as a public storage facility.
I am through with the drama. If she wants to sit around, not
work and totally depend on him that is on her.
Am I
wrong for not having her back in this situation? Would I be
wrong to tell her how I feel or should I just walk away and
let her be?
Signed,
Too Through
Dear Too
Through:
Unfortunately, there is NOT much
