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"One of the biggest mistakes you can make in a relationship is selecting a mate that you think you know and hoping that they turn out to be the person of your dreams.  Love, or what you think is love, may prevent you from asking the tough questions in a relationship.  Sometimes the person that you need to direct the tough questions to is yourself."

“Snooky” Snook

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America's Favorite Former Player, Taxi Cab Driver and "Street-Wise" Advice Columnist

Hey!  I'm Snooky the Cab Driver.  Some say I'm the most famous (and most controversial) Taxi Cab Driver in America.  I give advice on women, relationships, jobs and other things that cause problems in your life.  I only have one rule:  "Don't ask the question, if you really don't want to hear the answer."  Writing a letter to me is like going on The Jerry Springer Show---you know what you're gonna get.  If you don't like my advice (which is FREE) or feel that you need a second opinion, then I strongly recommend that you PAY for some advice (which will sound a lot like what I already told you with just bigger words).  It's your money.  In any event, you should always seek competent professional advice before acting upon the information contained herein.  Click here to contact me.

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Dear Snooky:

Hi: I'm a 42 year old female whose been knowing my boyfriend now since I was 22.  A few times we have gotten into arguments and he mentioned that he would be happy if I found another man. When I suggested that we just end the relationship he apologized and started saying that he was just kidding. What do you think I should do?  Our relationship is one of no sex, no affection, no communication and quite frankly no love. I just wanted a second opinion because I am actually planning to end the relationship.



Dear E:

This is the easiest letter that I've had to answer all year. You already know what you should do.  But you wanted a second opinion, so here it is:  "End the relationship for all of the reasons that you outlined in your letter."  Life is too short.  I have the sense that you deserve better.


Dear Snooky:

I hope this letter finds you having a great day.

I'm usually the one giving the advice, but since it is my situation, I can't see so clear into the reality of it all.

I need the heartfelt truth from the heart and mind of a man about men. I could stay on here for days with quite a few questions and would love to dive deep into answers. These relationship problems have been going on for some time and I haven't talked to anyone yet.

I have been in love with this guy for 3 years. He even moved in with myself and my two older children.

That's when the problems started.

1. He wasn't much a fan of my parenting skills and made it quite clear that they didn't respect me and I needed to handle things make sure they did the dishes, and they can't have a cup or plate left in their bedrooms and if they do... he would start to put them on their beds.  My children didn't care for him to much (their dad walked out on us so they weren't big on another man with their mom. It would always become an argument (to him anyway). I feel he put to much time into their behavior rather then making the foundation of our relationship first. after  9 months, he moved out saying he couldn't take it anymore. He moved back home to his mom's house. Ages... he is 44 now and I am 48 (a young 48) lol

2. He says he hates to argue..and I know he came out a relationship that they argued a lot. When he hears something he doesn't like...and gets frustrated... he says  "I can't do this...I'm done".  We won't speak for a

1-3 days...and he calls me to say  "I hate arguing and when I say that's enough... just learn to quite it".

3. We stuck it out though and he says he want's a future with me. He recently over 2000 miles back to where he lived for 15 years. His older sons are there and some other family. He said he was going to get himself together, grow up, get a job (he wasn't working before he left) and send for me when things got setteled if I want to join him. He has called me everyday since being there (a few months) and for the last month, has aked me to come there and is really pressing me to come. He says things like "why aren't you here" I want you here like yesterday". "I miss you so much" "you're the one I want to wake up with everyday for the rest of my life"...etc... But... I also found out he has been on dating sites  OH ABOUT 10 OF THEM!!!!!!!! The same time he is telling me all this love talk, he is on on-line dating sites. I went on some of the sites and found, I made myself up a little acct. and went on myself to see if he would talk to me and to see just what he would say.  Well he did talk to me...he ended up telling this girl (me) how  he had a bad relationship back home but what a great lady I am and would never say anything bad.

I let him know I knew everything. Then I just didn't speak to him for 2 weeks. He called to say he was sorry and he knows im hurt...but he says the main problem was... that Im not there. He wants me to come there so he can treat me the way I want to be treated.

4. I have a house in deep foreclosure...(he says Im putting that ahead of him )

5. I have 2 children who depend on me still

6. I'm still dealing with in court with my ex over child support and errears.

7. My dad lives by himself and starting to forget everything and is grieving the loss of his wife/my mom.

8. This is far away...I would be leaving everything behind and just jump on a plane

9 and to top it off...he says we are not together but If i decided to go we would be.

Hope this letter isn't to hard to handle, If so I will one of my friends say...girl your in some pickle.    Thanks for your time,

Holding It together in NY.


Dear Holding It Together in NY:

No letter yet has been too strong for me to answer.  OK.  Where do I start?  How about from the beginning.   I'll try and use bullet points to highlight the key areas for you to consider.  I'm gonna give it to you straight with no chaser.


·       The difference in how you two parent will not go away.  But that issue pales in comparison to the rest of this letter.  I'm not quite sure why you let him move it, but that's not the crux of this letter so I will move on.

·       I gotta tell you, I was a little uneasy to read that he moved away to get himself together, grow up and get a job.  You shouldn't have to move away to get those things.  In fact, he should have HAD those things BEFORE he move it. (I know, I said I was going to look forward and leave that moving in issue alone).

·       Let's get to the dating sites.  As you say "ABOUT 10 OF THEM!"  This is where you "pump your brakes," come to a complete STOP and "Just Say No!"  Brother man was BUSTED.  Of course he's going to apologize.  It was not lost on me that he apologized but NEVER accepted responsibility for lying and being decietful.  He put the blame on you by saying  he did that because you weren't there.  Let me translate that for you:  "If you are not here with me I cannot be honest and faithful."  You are dealing with a Man/Child.

·       You list 9 reasons why it would be difficult for you to leave.

Here's the bottom line.  If you leave and go to him, you will have NO support system and will lose any independence that you have.  You will be more dependent on him and that is not SMART for a mother of two children who need her.  Moving to join him makes you very vulnerable and will surely lead to self-doubt and unhappiness. 

Don't do it!  Let him grow up.  He should be able to grow up without you being there.  If he can't leave his ass there.  Do not lower your standards and relocate.  Put your attention on making a better life for you and your kids and your father. 

That's how I see it. 

Hope this helps.



Dear Snooky:

You made a good point in the advice you gave me.  I wish I would have read your advice  earlier because I failed with the Marine today.

I took a day off.   After my Marine friend got through playing golf this morning, he texted me.  I told him I was home.  He asked to come over.  I said, "Yes."  I figured this would be a good time and a quiet time since my son was at school to END the relationship.

He came over, he hugged me and tried to give me a passionate kiss.  But I pulled away.  Here's the dialogue.

Marine:  "Baby what's wrong?"

Me:  "Oh wow, you have silver strings of hair in your beard. I didn't notice that the last time we met."

Marine:  "Yes just like your silver strings in your hair. So who's older than you?"

Me:  "Well I am the oldest.  We go to Starbucks and pick up two Lattes and come back to my place."

Marine:  He immediately gives me another hug, he picks me up, and my bedroom door is open.  He takes me in there; lays me on the bed.

Me:  I stop him. "I said, "We need to seriously talk."

Marine:  "I know. I know. You can have my undivided attention later.  But right now, my body is about to explode."   He pulls up my dress, I have no panties on, he get's up, and he goes to my bathroom, comes out with a big towel and place it underneath me.  He raises my dress back up again, supports my thigh in an upward level, "Let's see how this Latté taste with this kind of cream." He pours the warm beverage on my pussy and starts licking the coffee off.   He repeats it 3 or 4 more times.

In all of my life, I never had that done before, but that was exciting!  It was a different sensational feeling. Next thing I knew, his manhood was thrusting inside my pussy with all of his might.  He started dripping with sweat!  Then that last thrust; he let out a LOUD moan; Then his body collapsed on top of my body.

Marine:  "You make me so vulnerable."

Me:  "I like you also."

Marine:  "Ssh.  Please don't mess up my good nut."

Me.  "Fine!" I got up to cleaned myself, came back and cleaned him.  Went back to the bathroom and got dress, when I came out he was already dress.  I had to leave to go and pick up my son so he left also.  But he promise we were going to really talk the next time.  Which will be this coming Saturday.

Snooky, how do I break up with this guy?


Nothing Permanent

Dear Nothing Permanent:

Young lady, if you cannot control your emotions then do not get in the same room with the young Marine.  I’ve never met you, but you are obviously one hot babe and you must have a sensuality about you that make you irresistible to men.  That being said, you can’t keep having sex with the guy and telling me that you don’t want to be with him.  You enjoy the sex, you enjoy his company and he’s not hitting you up for money.  It seems to me that this is a nice guy.  I read what you said about the age difference.  Make up your mind.  Tell the guy that you are not looking for a long term relationship.  Tell him that he is a “boy toy” for you.  If he doesn’t like it, you will not see him again.  It’s just that simple.  And yes, send him an e-mail message and do not see him again or let him in your home if you really don’t want to see him.  Every time he gets a chance to see you, he will want to have sex with you.  He can’t help it, apparently you are sexual dynamo.  I would love to see what you look like.  Why don’t you send your boy Snooky some sexy pics so I can see what all the fuss is about surrounding you.


Hi Snooky:

It has been several years since I have used your advice – which by the way was helpful.  Now I need you again. I am currently 43 years old, divorced, not rich and I have one terrific teenage son.  Reality is setting in for me.  In the next five years or so, my son will be off to college.

Fear of being alone, I started looking for a cuddly companion, preferably a guy around my age or just a little bit older who is established, been married before, who’s kid(s) are grown and who’s just looking for a part-time companion.

However, I came across someone way younger.  This guy is 28-years old.  Really mature; but just beginning to really start his life.

When, I told my girl friends about his age, they said to me, “Yippee! U go Cougar, use that Black Stallion!”

So I had some fun with him, and I thought it would be over quickly and we would go our separate ways.  However, this guy does not wish to go away.  He wants to stick around.

What for?  He is very intelligent, he has a college degree from Morehouse and is a Reservist in the Marines.  On top of that he has a law degree and recently passed the bar exam. Did I mention that he is an incredibly decent guy?

I have hinted to him over and over; that he should go out and social network, focus on his career, find the woman of his dreams, get married and start his own family.  Snooky, my factory been shut down!  No more babies coming through me.  Chuckling.

Also, I really don’t want to be bothered with a younger man.  He’s 28 and I am 43 years old.  I do not look like I am 43 years old, nor do I, dress or act very young.  But he was surprised about my age.

Here is how we met.  About a month ago, we met while I was on my lunch break.  I did flirt with him first.  He took my number.  We talked on the phone a lot, and then after three weeks, we finally had a nice date, watching the sunset go down, with wine and kibbles.  I have no doubt the wine relaxed us and before we knew it, we ended up in a hotel having crazy wild sex.

The next morning, no remorse, no shame, the understanding between us, was that it was just a one night stand.  Which was fine me.

Two days later after our date, he kept texting and calling me, till I picked up the phone.  He said that he missed me, I was different, and that he would like to taste more of me (blah, blah, blah).

I thought what he said was ALL cute, but I brushed him off hoping he would get the hint.  Well he refused to understand.  So I reminded him, what we talked about when we last departed.  He pretended he did not remember, but what he did remember how I was so wet and how my body responded to his manhood, along with his kisses and touches.

Yes Snooky, all of that is true.  But mentally, I was not there.  Not the way, he wanted me to be.  I know this sounds mean, but Snooky, it was strictly just for some quick hot sex.

Snooky, what can I tell this young man, without breaking his heart?  That I do not, want a sexual relationship with him, I only want friendship.


Nothing Permanent


Dear Nothing Permanent:

It looks like you clearly "put something" on this young pup.  Damn, you broke a Marine down like that?  Whew!  You got something special woman.  What can you do?  If you really aren't feeling the young fella, then stick your guns and be consistent.  Do not see him again.  He can't handle it and you don't want him.  You make some very good points about the age gap and lack of interest in a man that young.  Poor fella, you got him strung out over some obviously pretty good stuff.  Hmmm.  What part of the country do you live?  OK, don't tell me.  I don't need you turning me out.  Be nice to him, but be firm and consistent.  He will eventually get the message.

If any readers want to give her some advice, click the link below to leave a comment.


Dear Snooky:

My husband and I have been married for a year and his ex-wife/BM (Baby Momma) has been making our life hell.  It’s the usual BM antics; using the kids as pawns, being difficult with visitation time and all the BS that goes into “Parental Alienation” and “Mission Destroy Step-Momma.”  I will not waste your time with the details as I am sure you have heard them all before.  The relationship between my husband and his ex-wife has gotten so bad the courts had to intervene and arrange a visitation schedule for my husband.  Now,  anytime we arrange to pick up  the kids, if I am involved with the outings, it’s NO.  When it’s his parenting time, she wants no one else around but him…and her, of course.  My husband explained to her that he is married and he refuses to exclude me every time he wants to spend time with his children.  The fact the kids love me makes her more determined to X me out during parenting time. 

My husband is an excellent father and this really weighs heavily on his heart because he loves his children so much.  Over the weekend they had yet another heated argument because I was included in the plans he had with the kids.  This morning he emailed BM to let her know how he felt about all of tension between them and how it affected their children and basically he wanted to call a truce.  What bothered me was he told her that he would respect her wishes and not include me when they meet up for pick up/drop offs or when she brings them to the fun places we usually go with the children (she is not allowed at our house and vice versa).  I’m truly upset about this because not only do I love spending time with them, but I feel he is allowing her to over step her boundaries.  I would never allow my child’s father to dictate the participation my husband has with my child. 

Am I valid in the way I feel?  Would you ever exclude your wife when it came to spending time with your kids?  I’m not expecting to be involved 100% every time because I believe they do need one on one time with him, but come on!  Enough is enough.  This woman feels she is owed the world and can control him because she gave birth to his children!  I am so out done….what are your thoughts? 


Out Done!

Dear Out Done:

This may be above my pay grade, but I must tell you, you're feelings are spot on.  Hubby is making a big mistake and is setting a precedent that he will live to regret.  This is not good.  You are his wife and you have value to add to the lives of those children.  The wife and your husband need to make decisions that are in the best interest of those children.  He may be a great father, but I feel, he made a huge mistake.  Talk to him (if he'll listen).  Cutting you out of the picture, is taking something away from the kids, weakening his position as a man and feeding the interest of his dysfunctional and selfish baby's mama.



Dear Snooky,
I've been dating this guy for five months and he has been honest with me about his past.  He told me he was once a player but has changed because he believes he's a grown man now and wants to settle down and start his family soon.
Of all the guys I've dated, he's been honest with me and even tells me when he gets calls from his ex girlfriends whom he claims they are just friends.  He told me most of his ex's know about me and assures me that he still talks to them on a friendship basis.
I told him I'm not comfortable with all this but he doesn't see anything wrong in keeping in touch with his ex's as he claims there is nothing more to it than just friendship.  He has done so much to prove to me he's  changed man but something keeps giving a sick feeling in my stomach.
Should I just follow my instincts and just walk away to avoid being hurt or should I trust his  word which I'm struggling to deal with?
I once went through the same situation with my ex boyfriend and he ended up playing me for a fool because I trusted him. I told my current boyfriend all this and he keeps telling me he is not like my ex and won't hurt me.
He always tells me that if I let him go, I'll regret that decision because he is a genuine guy and really wants to be with me but if that is true, why can't he start by cutting out conversations with his ex's to prove how serious he is.
Snooky am I being played here or just being too insecure? 

Please help.........

Dear Please Help:

Hold on now.  Pump your brakes.  I know you've been burned but let's not start this relationship off by being too controlling and demanding.  I think you should evaluate your boyfriend on his behavior and determine if his actions are consistent with his words.  If so, then don't press the issue because there is nothing to press.  The fact that you got burned is YOUR issue.  Don't make it HIS issue and risk ruining a good thing.

As for the conversations with the ex-girlfriends, it is possible that it is better for him to be friendly with the ex-girls.  Would you prefer to have some drama?  Good relationships are very hard to come by.  Here's a suggestion:  Enjoy the relationship and don't look for trouble where there is none. 

If along the way you find out that he is not telling the truth, deal with it then.


Dear Snooky, 

I’m kind of embarrassed to say this but here goes.  I’ve been dating this guy for three months and things have been okay except that when it comes to love making. I’m a screamer and always have been which is a way I express my pleasure. I try to keep it down sometimes but this guy does not seem to like it. 

One time he told me to stop moaning as he was afraid I would wake his neighbours up. I just felt so embarrassed. He is the first guy to react like this with me, all my previous boyfriends seemed to like my moaning and thought it aroused them. Maybe I’m a weirdo, or should totally shut it! 

Is there something wrong with me being a screamer? Please help.


Dear Screamer:

There's screaming and then there's SCREAMING!  I'm not sure what category you fall under, but if the loving is good, I see no problem with it.  Now if you are screaming like you're being assaulted and letting loose profanity laced and sexually explicit tirades, that might pose a problem (at first).  Once again, if the loving is good, I would get used to it.

Perhaps your current guy just needs some adjustment time.  Or maybe you can moan and yell into the pillow.  Bottom line, I doubt if there's anything wrong with you except that you really like to express yourself. 

I wouldn't be too hasty to shut the sound completely off.  If you can tone it down a bit, that may be worthwhile.  I'm not sure what I can do to help except to say, "KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK!"




Once again I have failed at the game of love.  This time it was just based on sex. I thought if I could keep my heart protected and just have some fun I wouldn't get caught up. While enjoying my new partner we came across an unexpected surprise. When I came up for air I realized my period was a week late. We are both of a very mature age and getting pregnant was the very furthest from my mind. He thinks I've been trying to trap him and he doesn't want to come near me again. It seems he has some children out there he has been supporting that he is not sure they are all his. I had no clue it was that way, I thought all his children were by his ex-wife. I do understand where he is coming from and I wasn't trying to trap him by getting pregnant I was hoping a future of fun with him.  The thing is as hard as I tried not to fall; I have fallen for him. After reaching out to him several times I have now decided to let him go! We weren't together very long but we have spent a lot of time together in the short period of time. I don't like this place of being rejected and alone when I thought all was well between us. 


Heartache and Pain 

Well H & P: 

You didn’t have a question, but there are some “teachable moments” that people can learn from your situation.  For example: 

  1. The game of love is not easy, in fact for most folks it is as complex as it is rewarding.
  2. When you’re playing for sex, the stakes are still high.
  3. When you play games with love, someone usually breaks or forgets a rule.
  4. You can’t protect your heart in the game of love.
  5. When you least expect it, expect it.
  6. Too many times, the children end of being the losers.


Hey Snooky,

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2.5 years and living together for 1.5. The circumstances of us living together came about because he made some bad financial decisions and had to move out of his apartment.  When he moved in with me we agreed he would take some time to get his finances in order and then in a few months we will revaluate his contribution to the household.  Being real, I knew when he moved in with me that he was not the most financially responsible person, but I thought we would work on that together.  I guess I was more in love with the fact of having a live in boyfriend that I didn't ask the necessary questions before making the decision.  He moved in out of necessity, not because he wanted to take the relationship to the next level.  And me, with my own agenda, believed that I could put him the path to what I wanted--marriage.

Needless to say, it has turned into a disaster.  He doesn't contribute consistently financially (I figured that much) and we found out we have two different styles of living.  He wants to come and go as he pleases with no questions asked and clean up when he feels like it and I don't agree with that.  

I believe when two people live together you should have rules and boundaries. Unfortunately, these were MY rules. Rules he never agreed to. Rules that were never presented before he moved in.  Now we are at a point where we have possibly done irreparable damage to the relationship.  So we decided at the end of the month when my lease is up, we will no longer live together anymore.  I dreaded coming to this decision because of my fear of being alone.

I'm just wondering will the relationship sustain the change.  I will admit it worked a lot better when we didn't live together.  I just thought with me being 30 years old and he 32, that we were both on the same path. I now realize that we are not. We both want marriage and kids, but while I am ready now, he is not.

My options now is to either stay and work out our issues or go on with my life. Its been weighing on my mind, but hopefully I will make the right decision soon.  One question for you...Do you think a relationship can work living separate after living together?


Living in Misery (SRP)

Dear Living In Misery:

I commend you on making my job easy.  You painted a very detailed picture of your situation.  The picture was so clear, that I find it hard to believe that you don't know how this story will end. 

When will folks learn that the relationships business is a serious business.  You made several critical errors, which to your credit you have acknowledged in your letter.  For the benefit of our readers here are what I think were you errors in judgment.  You wrote:

  1. "Being real, I knew when he moved in with me that he was not the most financially responsible person, but I thought we would work on that together."

  2.  "I guess I was more in love with the fact of having a live in boyfriend that I didn't ask the necessary questions before making the decision."

  3. "And me, with my own agenda, believed that I could put him the path to what I wanted--marriage."

  4. "I believe when two people live together you should have rules and boundaries. Unfortunately, these were MY rules. Rules he never agreed to. Rules that were never presented before he moved in."

  5. "I just thought with me being 30 years old and he 32, that we were both on the same path."

Let's just work with the five (5) facts above.  I'll call them the "Furious 5" assumptions.  Operating under these assumptions puts you so far down in the hole, it is almost impossible to dig yourself out.  Can it be done?  Yes.  Is it likely, that you two can do it?  I don't know. 

You two are building a relationship without a solid foundation.  Relationships built in this manner almost always collapse under pressure.  If you're willing to take several steps backwards and begin to build the relationship on more of a solid foundation, then perhaps you have a chance.  Lost in all of this is your boyfriend.  Is he willing and able to start over?  These are the questions that need to be asked.  As for you question to me.  Here's my response.  I think it is extremely difficult for a couple who has lived together the way you two have lived to have success living separately.

Hope this helps.


Hello Snooky, 

I am reaching out to you for some honest advice. 

I have been dating my boyfriend for a little over 2 years.  During our first year we were semi-committed.  When we were together (in each other’s presence) we were together, when we weren’t we were single.  We moved in together and after a few months of nonsense, committed to a completely honest relationship and it has been nothing shy of remarkable since then.  We recently moved to another state to save money.  He always wanted to finish school in another country and I fully support him in this.  Our plan was to save our money and move in 2010.   

Things have been progressing with us a little faster than I originally thought they would.  A couple weeks ago, I started asking myself questions I think all women should ask:   

bulletWhat am I getting out of this relationship? 
bulletHow do I feel when I am not with him and with him? 
bulletAm I an equal part of this relationship or am I just the support? 
bulletIs this someone I can grow old with? 

I love this man and definitely want him in my life forever.  We talked about it and I think I may have caught him off guard, because he immediately tried to start “fixing” my issue.  I wasn’t second guessing him, I was married before, so I wanted to make sure I was getting what I need and not caught up in our whirlwind of love.  LOL!   

We both feel the same way about marriage in that it’s just a piece of paper.  The commitment is what is important to us.  He is very spontaneous and doesn’t like to discuss things like marriage.  I am always planning the next phase of my life and he thinks I’ll start planning things.  LOL! 

We went to look at model homes a couple weeks ago and he has since decided that he wants us to purchase a home and forgo the trip.  He says life changes and he is willing to change with it.  He wants to travel to the other country, but says he doesn’t have to live there.  I have no problem purchasing a home with him, but I want to know that I have the commitment.  That is a big step for me. Is this a discussion I should have with him, or should I sit back and see where all of this goes?  I don’t want to ruin or delay things.  He’s moving things along almost on a daily basis.  He’s always telling my how happy he is with me and really sweet things like that (he is not really verbal about things like that).  We are going to the Bahamas in a couple months for vacation.  My mind is spinning!  HELP!!! 


Hello Spinnin’: 

This is one of the better letters I have received in quite some time.  You appear to be a level headed and clear thinking woman and your drama scores is low, which is a good thing. 

By the way, I love your questions that every woman should ask.  As for the big question that you asked regarding the home purchase and whether or not you should discuss your boyfriend’s level of commitment before you purchase a home together, the answer is, “Yes.”  You should definitely discuss and gauge his level of commitment before purchasing a home together.  A home is likely to be the biggest and most significant purchase of your life.  If you are not sure about the commitment and you purchase a home together your behavior may change.  You may begin to doubt him because he doesn’t seem as “committed” as you think he should be, when in fact he may be very committed to you but may express his commitment in a different way. 

You’ve done a great job minimizing the drama, don’t leave the door open now.  Ask all of your questions.  While you’re at it both of you should obtain a thorough report on your credit and share it with the other.  Now there’s your commitment!  Get a credit check before you make the purchase.  No need to have any surprises at the settlement table or at the lending office. 

Both of you appear to be on a solid track.  Ask your questions and get things out in the open NOW!  Doing this will put you on solid ground, ease your anxiety and stop you from spinning. 

Hope this helps. 




My live-in boyfriend went out of town with his buddies over night for Memorial Day and did not call to let me know he made it safely nor did he return the two calls I placed to him.  He will be back in town this afternoon and I need your advice on what I should do or say.  He hasn’t done this before, but this is the first time he has been out of town with friends during our relationship.  I’ve had trust issues with him in the past and this just brings the issues back up. 

My sister says I should kick him out but of course she is speaking out of love for me and her own emotional problems within her relationship.  I do feel what he did was inconsiderate. I know him well enough to predict he will try to down play the seriousness of the issue by saying he was only gone overnight and how I am blowing this whole thing out of proportion.  

Would I be wrong to accuse him of being with someone else because he didn’t answer or return my calls?  Do I kick him out? Give him the silent treatment?  I am really unsure what to do.   What do you think? 



Dear Exhausted:

You indicated that you've had trust issues in this relationship, however, I'm not sure that I would confront him and accuse him of being with someone else.  As far as kicking him out, I'm not sure about that either.  Clearly your guy's actions were inconsiderate and his behavior definitely lends itself to thoughts of something shaky going on.  What reason(s) would he have for NOT calling you during the entire weekend.

If you don't want to deal with these types of dramas then site this as an example, dump him and move on.  If you choose to hear him out, accept his explanation and stay, then expect more of the same.


Hey Snooky, 

Its ya girl SRP back with another dilemma… 

My boyfriend did not come home last night and I am pissed off!  He left around 9:00 pm to say he was hanging out with the boys. I called him around 1:30am and he said he would be home shortly. I awoke at 4:30 and he had not returned.  When I left for work this morning at 8:00 he was still not home. I called his phone 3 times and he did not answer.  When I left this morning, I put the deadbolt on the door and left through the garage (he doesn’t have the key to the deadbolt).  He will have to take his ass back to whoever kept him from coming home last.  It’s now 9:15am and I still haven’t heard from him.  On one hand I am worried that something happened to him, but something in me says this is not the case.  

From a man’s point of view, how should I handle this situation?  Should I blow up and curse his ass out, or stay silent and keep him locked out of the house?  I just don’t know how to handle this situation. To be honest, I am fed up.  I am working two jobs, trying to start my own business and still manage to come home, cook, clean and tend to his needs. It’s so disappointing that at 30 years of age, he does not possess the maturity or the dedication to participate in a positive, healthy relationship.  In the end, I can’t blame him for being who he is.  It is my choice what and who I accept into my life.  I am here once again because I failed to pay attention to the signs. 


Suddenly Single…….again (aka SRP) 

Hey SRP 

I thought I was through getting e-mails from you (at least along these lines about this dude).  Once again, I feel like you’re only writing to me for validation.  You really do know what to do.  Re-read the last sentence of your letter.  In the end, I can’t blame him for being who he is.  It is my choice what and who I accept into my life.  I am here once again because I failed to pay attention to the signs.” 

Why can’t you leave this guy?  We teach people how to treat us.  What is the lesson that you teaching him when it comes to interacting with you?  I know that it is rough out here for women.  I get about a dozen letters a week from women complaining about their men.  You also have a good idea of what he’ll say when he does decide to surface.  He knows how to get in your good graces when he wants to.  Let me say this one time and one time only.  If you are serious about getting rid of this guy, then get rid of him.  DO NOT TALK ABOUT GETTING RID OF HIM.  GET RID OF HIM.  That means, do not talk to him in person, by e-mail or phone.  Put a call block on all of his numbers.  DO NOT ACCEPT HIS CALLS!  What is there to talk about?  Haven’t you heard enough excuses from him?  I know I have.  Actions speak louder than words.  Show him that you are serious by changing those locks and leaving his ass. 


Hey Cabbie,

I am an educated African American male in his late 20's. I am not married or currently in a relationship nor do i have any baby mamas. In the last 3 months, I have had explicit dreams involving me and another male. I'd say I've had about 4 of them. None of the with the same person and they have been very clear and vivid. I am straight and consider myself to be sexually conservative. I was not molested as a child nor have I experimented with the fag stuff. What do you think this means? Is this something that you think I need to explore or have I seen Broke Back Mountain one too many times? 

Confused but OK,


Brother DDM: 

I am not a psychologist or dream interpreter.  Let’s see, you’ve had approximately four homosexual dreams over the past three months and you want to know what this means and if this is something you should “explore.”  Let’s slow down and pump your brakes for a moment.  You referenced the movie “Broke Back Mountain.”  How many times have you seen the movie? 

I have no idea why you’ve had these dreams and I have no idea why you’ve chosen to put such a focus in this area.  You failed to share your reaction to these dreams.  Did you like the dreams?  How did the end?  What happens in the dreams?  You can choose to ignore the dreams or focus on the dreams.  If you have no interest in this area, then forget it.  However, if you have no interest in this area and can’t stop thinking about the dreams, then that’s another story. 

Not sure I can help you with this one dude--not enough info. 

One of our columnist recently wrote a column on this topic.  You might find it interesting (  By the way, I’d would eliminate the “fag” references—not good.  This is an offensive term. 



Hi Snooky, 

It’s been a while since I’ve reached out to you for advice concerning love, but today I need your opinion.   

While at my cousins birthday party over the weekend my boyfriend received a call. I notice how he didn’t want to answer the call and was about to send the call to voicemail when my cousin teasingly asked him who would be calling him at such a late hour (2:30 am). Unbeknown to my cousin, my boyfriend and I have been down this road before regarding “female callers”.  He seen the look in my eye and with all eyes on him he had to answer the phone.  I couldn’t make out what the person was saying but I could tell from the voice pitch that it was a woman.  He told her he was over his girlfriend’s cousin house and he would have to get back with her. I asked who the caller was and he said she was a friend from work. He said she was with a group of people he was hanging at a sports bar with earlier that evening and she called to see if the group was still hanging out.  I thought that was reasonable explanation until the phone rang again. He said it was the same person. He answered and proceeded to tell her the same thing.  At this point I was passed pissed because I felt something was up.  He thought me being mad was unjustified because there was nothing going on between him and the girl.  My cousin stepped in and said “Okay she is just a friend and she was calling to check to see if you and the guys you work with were still hanging out. But when you told her you are with your girlfriend then that should have been the end of the call and she should not be calling you back”. “With her calling you back like that it does appear that something is up”.  Needless to say, we went back and forth about this for hours and we ended up getting into a big argument. 

He feels there is nothing wrong with him being friends with a woman or talking to a woman on the phone as long as he does not cross the line and sleep with her or take her out.  True enough I do believe men and women can be friends, but I know the difference between a strictly platonic friend and the other kind of friend.  I’ve made friends with males over the course of our relationship but he has met them and they do not call my phone at 2 or 3 in the morning. 

I am so disappointed in him. I thought I had someone who I could finally trust. I thought I had resolved my trust issues with men.  After the weekend, all those old wounds just opened up and it has me exhausted. How can I trust him again? He apologized to me but that doesn’t make the pain go away.  I don’t want to worry that every time his phone ring and he doesn’t answer it’s some woman. I don’t want to feel anxiety every time he goes out with his friends. Snooky, I have resorted to checking his phone when he is sleep and I have never done that before to anyone.  I just don’t know what to do.  I was so happy with him until this point. He spends quality time with me, he funny, very attentive and a hard worker. We have our quarrels over things but we get passed them.  I just don’t know how I am going to get pass this.  Can you offer any advice to my situation? 



Dear SRP: 

This is a tough situation in that he spends quality time with you; he's funny, yada, yada, yada.  The big thing is you've caught him in a lie or two--big lies.  It's hard to buy his story.  You don't get phone calls from "friends" at 2:00 and 3:00 am.  Those calls are usually from "f#@k buddies" or "friends with benefits.” 

What's more disturbing is your behavior. I feel like I kind of know you. Look at how low you've slipped.  I say “slipped” because you can recover.  You're sneaking around checking his phone.  What kind of life is that?  Stressful, that's what kind. 

We teach people how to treat us.  What are you teaching this guy?  He may be a great guy, but he's a great guy taking advantage of your trusting ways.  It seems as if you wanted him to be so good that you have lowered your standards.  It you’re your cousin “popping off” to get your attention. 

It's hard for me to say talk to him because he's likely to deny and lie again.  You know if he's telling the truth.  Just take a deep breath and listen to that inner voice of yours, NOT HIS.  Judge that dude on his behavior and nothing else.  His “Trust Bank Account” with you is currently OVERDRAWN! 


Dear Snooky,

Here is another one for you.  Please, if possible let our black men know about this.  Please inform them that they must take care of their feet.  I have met men that rate 10-plus on a scale of 1-10.  They appear to be the total physical package.  I notice men's feet, especially during the summer months.  A lot of men don't take care of their feet.   I notice thick skin on the heels, fungus on the toenails and toenails that are dark and uncut.  This is a turn off. 

Men expect us to have well manicured toenails and feet, but they seem to forget that their feet is a part of their body as well.  The last man that I dated had the feet of a alligator.  His nails were long, dark and thick.  He actually kept his socks on, with good reason, which is another turn off. 

Also Snooky, please tell men to do a better job of washing their feet.  You know a shower is good, but sometimes a long soak in the tub does not not hurt. 

When you see a brother with messed up feet and toes, it kind of makes you wonder about his woman.  I interact with businessmen, but many of those guys have messed up feet.  I've never met a man with good feet.

Please let men know that taking care of your feet is important to women.  For a man to be fine from the head to the ankles is not enough.  All of the expensive clothing in the world can not make me overlook claws for feet.

Signed, Fed up with alligator feet brothers.

Dear Fed Up With Alligator Feet Brothers:

I don't have to say a word.  You just did.  By the way, I agree with you.  For the record, "the Snooky man" has great feet and toes.  I've never had a pedicure or manicure.  I guess I just got it like that.  I do use a foot cream called Feet Treat.  It is great.  Thank you for putting men with crusty feet on blast and keeping it real.

Dear Snooky:

For the past year I’ve been occasionally hanging out with this girl I met on the job.  During the process of getting to know one another, she expressed how her level of trust for women has been broken by repeated toxic, backstabbing people she had developed friendships with. Me being a woman and also having a few negative experiences befriending someone, I could relate and understand her current state of mind.  She expressed her desire of wanting to surround herself with more positive and proactive women with whom she could bond with.  Seeing that this sistah was really in need of a group a women who could influence a change on her theory about black women and how we should relate to one another, I decided to introduce her to my small circle of friends.  My friends are a beautifully eclectic mixing bowl of people from all walks of life. One thing that keeps all of us bonded together is that we continuously support and uplift each other. Now don’t get me wrong we have had our share of disagreements but we still stay positive towards each other.   

Anyway, I decided to introduce her to my best cousin who is a very funny, outgoing person. Weekend parties and gatherings became common between the three of us. We exposed her to different cultures and activities she was never fortunate enough to experience with the friends she currently associated with.  I knew from the beginning she was what some considered a little rough around the edges, ghetto, for lack of better words.  I thought if she saw what the flip side of the coin was like it would aid her at becoming a better person.  A few months after we started connecting I noticed she would constantly compare herself to other women and talk negative about her friends.  About three months ago my cousin and I decided that including her in certain weekend activities was not in our best interest anymore due to her wanting to include the negative people she “claimed” to want distance from.  I am open to hang out with people of all kinds but these ladies, uh, let me change that to “females” were…”How can I gently put this?”  A HOT DAMN MESS!   

These were grown women who were extra loud and immature. They’re idea of a good time is getting drunk and hitting the club to fight people.  Needless to say, I was not trying to entertain this type of foolishness.  She and I stayed in contact but our meetings became far and in between.  One night over a few margaritas, my cousin expressed to me that she was concerned this person might not have good intentions and felt she was not all the way ready to leave her ghetto street ways behind.  My cousin felt if I continued to associate with her, she would bring some “bullshit” (her words, not mine) my way.  I trusted my cousin’s evaluation because at that time, I too was getting a not so cool vibe from her.  To get to meat of this situation, I will jump to what happened over the weekend.  I had not seen or heard from her in a while so when she pooped over my house Friday I was surprised. She invited me to go downtown with her the next night to hang out. At first, I thought “why not?” we were going to a nice party where there would be a nice class of people who I felt comfortable with.   

We arrive downtown the next evening and too my horror here come the HAMS.  I admit it was my fault for not asking upfront who would be attending with us. I just assumed it would be the two of us because she never mentioned anyone else.  Snoooooooky!!! Please excuse my French but these heifers acted a fool. They were way past drunk, dressed like skeezers and to make matters worse, they were starting trouble with almost every female who crossed their path. I was horrified but as my cousin would say “That’s what your ass get.” The night was almost over so I thought if I mingled on my own I could pass the time and at the same time remove myself from the Niggrodian display that was going on.   

When it was all over and my humiliation level was off the chart, I came face to face with who this person really is.  I decided to have a woman to woman talk with her when we reached her house about her behavior and how I felt that she put me in danger.  She did not have to respond to me because the look on her face said it all. My Momma once told me a drunken person speaks a sober mind and that night I believed every word my Momma said. This girl went on for 30 minutes about how she could tell I thought she was jealous and envious of me and my sister’s beauty and success. She came out of nowhere with a comment about how I have to be the center of attention whenever men were around. I could go on and on but in short, she basically said she couldn’t stand me and my circle of friends because we “acted like we are all dat.”   

In a strange way my feelings were hurt. Not because there was truth to her claim but because after all the positive influence my friends and I tried to expose this sistah to she still managed to turned into yet another negative experience.  My sister made sense of this situation by explaining to me that some people don’t want to be helped. She says when you deal with a person who has for years surrounded themselves with negative people, drama, jealousy, competition and anger it is difficult for that person to go into a positive situation and know how to act.  With the advice of my real sistahs and my own judgment, I have decided to cut this person out of my life for good.  My question to you:  Should I tell her that this is the end of our friendship or should I just be done with it? 

Signed, Friend or Foe  

Dear Friend or Foe:

The way you told this story was Laugh Out Loud funny.  To answer your question, I would NOT say a thing or waste any more time with this woman.  Actions speak louder than words.  Be done with it.  Besides, if you try to explain anything to her, you're only asking for more drama.  She will twist your words and not appreciate your intent.  If you choose to do otherwise, just remember the quote from your cousin:  “That’s what your ass get.” 

Earlier you used the terms "HAMS" to descibe the women.  Help a brother out.  What are HAMS?  Are we talking big bone, corn fed sistahs with attitudes who will whip your ass on a whim?



Dear Snooky, 

You give great advice and I really am in need of it so thank you in advance.  I have been in a relationship for almost a year with a man who is almost perfect. We have so much in common.  He has a lot of qualities that I have.  He is extremely thoughtful, we spend so much time together that we have been talking about finding a place together.  He caters to most of my needs.  At night sometimes all we do is lay down, talk and laugh all night.  It feels like I fell in love with one of my best friends.  I trust him. Trust was never something that came easily to me but I trust him based on his actions.  I was never one to just believe in the beautiful words these men say these days.  He truly is a real man and I finally know what a real man is supposed to be like.  I have one child from a previous relationship and he treats her so good, helps her with homework, and he teaches her things that her father should.  Ok, now on to his flaw...we don't have enough sex.  The sex is wonderful when we do it.  We do it about once a week now and that is not enough.  He told me upfront in the relationship that he is not a person that thinks sex is everything in a relationship.  He does say he enjoys it.  I am not one to just lay there and let him do all the work, I like to initiate, I like to be on top sometimes, I like to give oral sex, I am willing to try any and everything except a three way.  The first two months of the relationship we did it more often.  I am very verbal and so I asked him why the change. He claims he is "tired".  Ok, granted he works two part time jobs, one in the morning and one in the evening.  He gets to my house after work around 9:30 to 10 at night.  I serve him dinner and then he gets sleepy.  I believe that when you like something you make time for it.  I am tired a lot too but I still make time for it.  Sometimes when I initiate he says that I'm too aggressive like a guy, lol.  So I took a step back because when we do have sex he does like to do all the work. He doesn't have any special requests, no fantasies, nothing that I can work with.  It crossed my mind on whether or not he may be gay, but that suspicion was squashed when I was using his laptop one day and I saw recent searches for chunky girls pornography, lol.  I don't know what to think, I know he finds me attractive, I know he enjoys the sex when we do it.  I just don't understand why it is so infrequent.  Can he be cheating? He doesn't show any signs.   He answers his cell phone, the ringer is always on, I have keys to his apartment, I can come over unannounced,  I just don't know what to think.  Could it be just what he says....he is just "tired"?   

No Sex in NY       

Well No Sex in NY: 

One of the things that I always tell women to look for in a man is consistency in behavior.  Your guy appears to be very consistent.  Now I have to tell you, given the scenario that you painted, my ass would be drinking Mountain Dew and taking caffeine pills to make sure I didn't fall asleep on you.  It is rare to find a woman who can apparently "put it down" like you.  You said he works two part-time jobs.  Are they strenuous jobs?  Short of working construction or hauling bricks, I'd think he could "sweat your weave out" more than once a week.  But I digress.  Let's look at the positives, which far outweigh the negatives. 

You have a good man who has accepted your daughter.  He is loving and thoughtful.  The only flaw is not enough sex.  Hmmm.  Let's rule out the gay thing (chunky girls on the search engine).  So he is into heavy lifting (smile).  You know he is capable in the bedroom.  You just have want a little more.  Can you adjust the times that you have sex?  Change the routine.  I get the sense you're on call 24/7/365 if he wanted it that way.  Maybe you can get him to "hit it" the morning after a good night's sleep.  You certainly give the sense that you know how to please a man in the bedroom.  You want to make it HOT so he wants to "strike you ass like a box of stick matches."  Set that room on FIRE! 

Maybe you should alter his diet.  I don't know what you're feeding that man, but its knocking him out.  Ease up on the pork chops, biscuits and gravy.  Give him some baked fish and mix in a salad.  Get his ass lean and mean and jump on his ass before "Mr. Sandman" steps in. 

If all of that fails, you may have to accept the fact that he is tired from working two jobs.  Stress is a killer and will deplete you.  He probably has a sense or indication that you are frustrated.  Keep the lines of communication open.  Don't shut down.  Work with him and find a way through this temporary situation. 



Hey Snooky,

I need some advice.  I am 37 years old.  I was in a steady relationship with a younger man for 4 years and off-and-on for the past 3 years.

During the 4-year span, he did everything that he wanted. I was spoiling him rotten and I later found out that every other woman was spoiling him too.  He was still seeing his ex's and lying to me about it.  He was even bringing the women to my home.  He tried to make me befriend them.  He would talk to me like I had a tail between my legs sometimes. I know that a great deal of that behavior was due to the difference in our age... I think... :)

Finally, he left. He was dating a cousin of his by marriage - but still seeing me. He lied the entire time. Then one day out of the blue he calls me and tells me he is getting married.

We didn't speak until Dec of 2006.  He wanted to speak with me.  Once we spoke he apologized for all of the things he had done and explained that he had accepted Christ and was trying to change his life.  That lasted about 2 weeks.

He and I got back together and finally he moved back in.  I was still hesitant because I was having MAJOR trust issues with our past.  I forgave him, but I just didn't feel like he was changing.  Well, I looked at his cell phone one Sunday morning to find that he had a picture of one of his "home girl's" private parts and he had sent her a pic of his as well.

We got into this huge argument that was disastrous. He tried so hard to make it my fault.  He boasted in my face about how many women wanted him. Like I am a dog? Oh... he was also supposed to be stopping his drug use, which started right back up - if it ever really stopped.

So, he moved out, however, we were still working on the relationship.  The thinking was it would be better for him to actually establish some independence for himself since he’s never been able to keep a job.

I have tried so hard to help him anyway that I could.  I am not an angel... I have a temper.  I do love this man very much.  I have been fighting and holding on trying to get him to see it.  It is not the sex, because he could use some help in that department.

Now, I find out he is seeing other women.  He still needs and wants my help, but just NOT in that way.

I allowed all of my confidence to be drained from me.  I went broke being stupid and in some strange way, he scares - well... let's say intimidates me. He knows he has a great deal of control over me.

I am trying to make sure I am not sitting at home waiting for him to find time for me.  The other day I found out he was snooping around my apartment.  But if you really don't want me, why are you doing that?   I know, he thinks he loves me in his own sick twisted way.

I don't know how to let go of him. I really in my heart don't want to lose him because he is my first true love. He is about to be 27 years old.  He has yet to grow up.  I know that he is not good for me - he brings me down because he would rather compliment the women on television than me. He still speaks to me the same way sometimes. He claims he misses me but his pride won't let him do the right thing...WTF?!?

I have never had a man take control of my life like this.  I don't know what to do.

I have a very high sex drive and did anything and everything he wanted and then some.  After all that I was getting 5 minutes, 15 minutes and NO foreplay. He has a nice package but he’s so selfish the only person he is worried about “getting off” is himself.

When I asked him if he wanted me to move on he told me that it was up to me and that he had too much on his plate to worry about it. But yet has takes the effort to spy on me?  He said he has seen people at my home. Granted, I have friends but why does he care? If I did the same thing to him he would try to kill me.

Last night he called and stated that he was just wanted to see what I was up to. During the conversation he started to brag about the fact that he needed to hurry up and make some money for this weekend. I didn't respond.  I wasn't interested so we got off of the phone.  Two minutes later I tried to call back because I needed to ask a quick question...NO ANSWER.

So I sent him a text letting him know that I know why he is not answering the phone and that I find it very tacky that he has no respect for me whatsoever and that all he had to do was excuse himself.

The next time we spoke he told me I was tripping and that I don't know what I am talking about.  I said okay and hung up the phone.

I don't know why he insists on hurting me when I have been the only person helping him.  All I tried to do was love him and try to show him that through love, you can soar like an eagle.  Instead I get ignored, cussed out, cheated on and put on a back burner that I DON'T DESERVE. I am way better than that.  I am a good woman.  I want to break this cycle.  I have wasted too much energy, love, heart, blood and tears into this relationship to get nothing but pain in return.  I love this man with every fiber of my soul.  This is killing me.  I am miserable, depressed and heart broken and sadly enough I am still in love with him.

I just feel helpless and lost. I want the old “ME” back--the person who was bigger and stronger who never let these things affect me.  Please help me. 


Dear Denny: 

Your letter showcases a wide variety of emotions.  As I read this letter I sensed pain, heartbreak, self-doubt, desperation, embarrassment, sadness and abuse.  Yes, I said abuse—verbal and emotional abuse which often leads to physical abuse. 

Where do I start?  I read your letter three times.  The sad thing (and still very common among people in these types of twisted relationships) is that you know this is a toxic and one-sided relationship.  If you take a sheet of paper and draw a line down the middle of the page and list all of the positive aspects of the relationship on the left side of the page and all of the negative aspects of the relationship on the right side of the page, clearly the right side would be longer.  You make mistakes for this man and stay for the abuse.  You say you love this man.  Why do you think you love him?  Where’s the added value that he brings?  Where is the happiness and the mutual respect? 

Over the years, you have taught this man how to treat you—poorly.  He did not take away your dignity and self-respect—you gave it away.  Yes, he took advantage of you, but you made it very easy to do so.  You tried to freak him in the bedroom, help him with his drug problem, and knowingly put up with his infidelity that he flaunted in front of you. 

I can’t share any insights with you that you don’t already know.  The only thing I can do is to put what you already know in front of you in such a way that it captures your attention and either shocks you or shames you into doing better. 

There is nothing about the behavior of this man that indicates one scintilla of love for you.  You have the power to change the circumstances of this relationship.  Why won’t you exercise this power?  Why do you stay?  The longer you stay, the greater your risk of depression (which may have already started) and the greater the chances that you will do something terribly stupid that you will regret.  So save yourself the heartache and reclaim your self-respect and get out now. 

You say you don’t deserve this kind of treatment.  Well prove it by leaving and cutting this man out of your life.  You can’t save him and despite what he says, he does not want to be saved. 

I know you say you love him, but you need to get over it and STOP the foolishness.  One-way relationships are not healthy and they never last.  What makes you think you’re different? 

Make significant personal statement and get out of the relationship now before it’s too late.  One last thing, consider getting professional counseling.  This is serious.  Your life is at stake and you need to claim it back.


Dear Snooky,

My best friend of 15 years is working my last nerve. I don’t even know where to start. I guess I can begin with her disrespectful, dope snorting, abusive baby’s father. She has been in this chaotic, downward spiral, toxic relationship for the past 2 years. I tried to stay quiet on this situation and just be there for her when things get bad, but now things are out of control. She has moved 5 times in two years because every time she puts him out or upsets him he demolishes her house, car, etc. Every time she settles into a new place she allows him to snake his way back into her life. There was one time when she and her two daughters had to go to a women’s shelter because she was put out of yet another place due to his ass acting foolish. At first, I felt sorry for her and added this to another bad hand that life had dealt her again.  But time after time she continues to take him back no matter what he does. The supposed “final” time was just a few weeks ago, right after she gave birth to her third daughter. She had been out of work for some time so she depended on him to take care of everything. When she got out of the hospital she found out that he had not paid the rent in two months and she had to be out in 14 days. He wasn’t worried about where they were going to go because he had his own apartment. I was going to offer her a place to stay if all other possibilities were exhausted, but I could not have that drama at my house and without her having a job I had no idea how long they would be at my place. However, I did offer to store all of her belongings in my garage until she found a place. The sack of shit found a piece of sympathy and took her and the kids in to live in the two-bedroom apartment he shared with his adult brother.

He disrespected her so bad while she was there she was in tears. I finally told her that she and the girls were welcome to come to my house. She declined the offer stating that if she left him he would forget about giving her the money to get another place. She claimed she had a plan to get away from him. She was going to endure what she had to until he found her another place to stay then end the relationship. One week later she found a place and moved in. She kept to her word and told him it was best they not be together but stay cordial for their baby girl. Needless to say, he flipped out again busting out the house windows while she was gone one evening. She filed a restraining order and declared at that moment she had enough. She said she refused to move and put her children through that again. I really felt like she meant it this time. She started looking for a job, making plans for her future and spending quality time with her kids. I told her I would do everything I could to support her with getting herself together. I paid her cell phone bill, made trips across town several times to deliver clothing and household items she still had in my garage and I stayed up late or got up early some days because she couldn’t sleep because she was afraid he would come over to do something crazy to her. I really was pulling for her this time. He continued to call begging her to take him back and release the restraining order so he could see their daughter. I told her that was bullshit. If he wanted to see his daughter either myself or her mother would volunteer to drop the baby off to him or his mother. When I talked to her a couple of days ago I could tell in her voice she was getting weak and contemplating taking him back. She proved my theory when I called today and old ugly Moodergrass answered the phone.

Snooky, I could have screamed. I didn’t get to talk to her because he said she was getting dressed. I wasn’t surprised when she didn’t return my call. This frustrates me because I love my Goddaughters so much and I can’t stand the way she is putting this fool before them. I am tired of listening about the dumb stuff she allows him to do. I am tired of trying to help her when she doesn’t want to help herself. I love her to death but I have to step out this time. I haven’t told her yet, but since he is back in the house hold there is no need for her to use my garage as a public storage facility. I am through with the drama. If she wants to sit around, not work and totally depend on him that is on her.  

Am I wrong for not having her back in this situation? Would I be wrong to tell her how I feel or should I just walk away and let her be? 

Signed, Too Through

Dear Too Through:

Unfortunately, there is NOT much you can do.  You can only do so much.  Your friend has to ultimately take responsibility for her actions.  You have given her every opportunity to get help and she has not taken advantage of your kindness and generosity.  The fact that she took him back (again) should be the last straw for you.  Some folks have to hit rock bottom.  I guess what I'm advising you to do is to "let her go."


Dear Snooky, 

My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 months and so far things have been well until this past weekend. Saturday I spent the day with my girlfriends hanging and he spent the day with his boys. He told me he was going out of the city to a local college to attend some type of fraternity celebration. When I called him later that evening he said he was on his way back home and would call me later. I few hours went by so I called him to see if you had made it back ok. To my surprise, I didn’t get a answer. No big deal, I waited about an hour and still know response. I called a total of three times over three hours and he never answered or returned my phone call. I was pissed and worried. He finally answered his phone the next morning. His is excuse for not answering the phone was “his battery was dead” I didn’t accept that as an excuse because he could have used a pay phone or one his friends cell phones to call me. He then stated that when they were on there way home his cousin received a call from his lady friend who wanted him to come back to where they just left from to attend to big college bar-b-que bash and being that he wasn’t driving he had to go along. He claims that they just hung out and had a good time. I asked where did they stay and he said his cousins lady friend let them crash at he place.  

I am so disappointed in him. Everything was going so well up to this point. He has never given me any reason not to trust him. I just don’t know why he would do something like this. I just don’t know what to do. I just can’t ignore this. Could it be possible that what he says is the truth and he just made a bad judgment in regards to not calling me? Or does this sound like he was up to know good?  Do I continue the relationship, but proceed with caution and pay attention to his behavior to see if this becomes a pattern or do I take this as bad sign and hit the road? I know you can’t make a decision for me, but how would you approach this situation? Trust has been a big problem for me in past relationships and it has taken me sometime to get to the point where I can finally trust and love someone again. I am torn. What do you think? 



Dear Torn:

It is my humble opinion that your guy is violating your trust and running a game on you.  You should be disappointed in him.  His story appears to be so flimsy it is hard to believe that he had the nerve to share that with you.  Is it possible that his story is true?  Yes, but not likely.  If you want to believe him then ultimately you will ignore the mountain of evidence and common sense that suggest that portions of his story are fabricated to meet HIS needs.  His behavior has done nothing to make you trust him, especially when you have had trust issues in the past with men.

Indeed you are torn, but if you step back you will see that its probably more prudent to ask yourself:   

bulletIs there a pattern of behavior with this man that is questionable?
bulletWhy does he seem to get into these situations?
bulletWhy do I continue to look the other way?

I could go on and on.  You have to decide.  Let me tell you what I know to be true about men.  Men will do what they are allowed to do and think they can get away with.  Have you created a culture in this relationship that makes it easy for him to do these things without being held accountable?  When you get in enough pain, you will make the tough decision.  I believe that you know in your heart, what you should do.  It is difficult and you don't want to do it. 

I hope this helps. 




You know it was just a matter of time before I needed your advice again. Just to bring up to speed. I am still dating the same guy who told me about his possible baby on board with his ex-girlfriend. We still have an understanding that no decision regarding our future will be made until the paternity test comes back. For the past two months it has been a real emotional rollercoaster. We both have been trying to keep an emotional distance from each other until the moment of truth, but things just aren't working out like that. He continues to show his feelings for me, but up until recently I was continuing to pull back. A couple of weeks ago he started showing signs of "distance".  He wasn't answering my calls, showed no enthusiasm when hearing my voice or seeing me. I questioned this and he said he was tired of me treating him cold and he is tired of trying to prove his love for me. He reveled to me that he had rejoined his family's church and is turning everything regarding our situation over to God. He said he was emotionally drained and couldn't keep going on like this. I cried because I do love him, I just don't want to get hurt. I thought things over for a few days and decided that he was the man for me and I wanted to move forward with the relationship. So for the past week I have tried to show him my willingness to work on the relationship, but he said he doesn't know how to receive my change of because I have spent so much time pulling away from him after he told me about the baby. I could understand that; so I went one step further to prove to him that I was serious about us doing this together. I attended church with him last Sunday and I sent him a dozen of roses to his job the Friday before that. We cried to each other and expressed our love for each other. I thought we were on the right track until tonight when we were on the phone and I asked when the baby was due. He said in February. Then he said when he seen her she looked further along than that. It took me by surprise because he told me he had not seen her since the beginning of her pregnancy. He said she called him last week before he left work and asked him to stop by her mother’s house because she had something for him. He said when he got over there she gave him a new bible and a card. He said he only stayed a few minutes then he left. This really burns me up because why does he feel the need to see her if they are not together? Am I over reacting? Is it okay to offer this kind of support to her while she is pregnant? This is why I am having doubts about us. I don't feel like he is telling me the truth about her. Oh I forgot to mention that when I talked to him last week around the time he said he went to visit her, he was reading a letter some "anonymous" person left in his mail box. Now this whole scene makes since! That was a letter she gave to him when he went to see her. Again, here we go with the deceit. Snooky, help me. What if anything should I say to this brotha?  The more I think about it, the more upset I am getting because he is not telling the whole truth.

Help a sista out



Here's how I see this.  The history of deceit gives you every right to be and maintain your suspicion.  However, you can't hold yourself hostage.  If you are going to go the distance with this guy and the baby is his, what you've described is simply a "dress rehearsal" of things to come.  If the baby is his and he's any kind of man, he is going to want to be in that baby's life, which means he will have continued interaction with the baby's mother.  It is possible, that he is afraid of telling you the "whole truth" about his interactions for fear that you will overreact and pull away again.  I said, its possible.  If he is parceling out the truth, that's a dangerous game.  He would be better off telling you the truth, whether you like it or not, than getting caught in a stupid and unnecessary lie that will cause more harm to all parties involved. 

Think about this.  You see this situation as drama and the other woman doesn't seem to be acting crazy.  What if she's a nut case?   

She and your man will always have a connection in the form of that child (if indeed it is his baby).  Can you live with that?  Can the three of you conduct your lives in a responsible fashion for the best interest of that baby?  It is his job to make you feel like his lady.  I would suggest that you calmly share your concerns with your guy.  Let him answer and listen and watch how he responds.  Trust your instincts.  You'll know whether or not he's being sincere.  You must be calm and non-judgmental.  Your job is to simply gather information, not to prosecute.  After he answers, state your case.  Let him know that you don't want any surprises concerning this situation from this point on.  After all is said and done, sleep on it and render a decision.  As complex as the situation is, the answer is very simple--you either stay or go. 





I am dating a guy who does not meet the requirements of what I thought was my ideal mate. He doesn't have his own place. He doesn't make much money and he drives a beat-up truck. He doesn't have much, but he makes up for that by the way he treats me. He is wonderful. He is so attentive, understanding and funny. In the four months we have been dating he has been there for me in ways no other so-called "together" man has before. He doesn't have a whole lot of money, but I don't want for anything. He drives a beat-up truck, but that same truck moved me into my new condo and brings me lunch several times a week. We both want a long-term commitment with each other, but I am a bit concerned about his financial future. He has expressed his feelings on wanting to improve his situation, he just doesn't know how. He says college is not for him and that is okay, but I think he should at least earn a trade of some kind.  Where he comes from, nobody ever encouraged him to be much more than what he is now.  See, he sold drugs most of his young adult life.  To him, working legally is a major accomplishment.  I'm afraid five years will go by; we'll both be 32 years old and still "just getting by."  I don't see a “paycheck to paycheck” lifestyle for myself. I am working too hard right now to see that I don't have to. I don't want to struggle forever. 

Is it wrong for me to slow things down until I see that he is actively doing something productive which will improve his situation?  Do you think one’s ability to sufficiently provide for self and family are important? 

What do you think? 


Dear SRP: 

I think that your attitude toward your guy is refreshing, realistic and mature.  You’re cautious and not crazy.  You made your point about his not earning a lot of money and not having much of anything from a materialistic point of view.  As you indicated the guy is giving you something of far greater value that will pay huge dividends.  He appears to be honestly giving himself to you.  He is giving you quality time and attention.  Do you have any idea how many women would give up multiple paychecks for a man that would simply give them quality time and attention?  There are some unsavory elements in his background that may cause problems and explain his worldview when it comes to going to college and self-development. 

This may pose a problem if he finds it difficult to break away from the negative influences from his upbringing and background.  He should be commended for his mighty efforts.  You two seem to have the potential for a long lasting and rewarding relationship. 

I don’t think that it is wrong for you to be cautious and monitor his progress and development.  Marriage is a lifelong commitment; you would be well advised to take advantage of every opportunity before you get married to ensure that your union lasts.  I also think that one’s ability to provide for self and family are important.  Stay the course; I think you’re onto something.  This guy sounds like a diamond that simply needs to be polished.


Hey Snooky, 

I have been with my man for more that 3 years now.  We have a pretty good relationship, but like all couples, we too have our issues.  He recently took a job that I didn't want him to take.  I didn't want him to take the job because it was offered to him by a woman we've had problems with in the past.  She's a white girl who likes black men.  She's liked my man from the start.  She was a manger at the place he used to work.  While on the clock, she'd let him take her car to pick up her lunch and she'd give him money to buy a Corona.  She'd let him drink from the bar while he was on the clock as well.  I told him to be careful of this girl because white women are very sneaky.  Sure enough, she got him fired.  A few months later, she calls and offers him his job back.  I told him not to take it, but he did.  Well the business closed down shortly after, and they were both out of work.  So here we are, about 7 months later, she calls again to offer him another job.  He asked how I felt about it.  I told him, I'm not feelin' it, but I can't decide for him.  As I said, he took the job.  He said he took the job because the job pays really well.  My problem is, I am a hairstylist and he does not like me to do men's hair.  Everyone who gets his or her hair done pays well.  He said it's not always about the money.  He also has a problem with my children's father who is and has been locked up for the past 8 years.  I try to always show him respect no matter what.  It's just getting very hard being with this man and he's not showing me the same respect, I show him.  We've been arguing for 2 days now and I'm really feed up.  At the same time, I'm not really ready to end my relationship. I know you are going to be real with me, so let me hear it. 

Feeling Disrespected,

Fayetteville, NC 

OK Feeling Disrespected: 

I am going to be real with you.  You guy is a possessive jackass.  I arrived at that conclusion factoring in that you may have some ill will with white women and black men.  Even if that’s the case, your guy is still a jackass.  I think you have handled this matter very appropriately.  I’m not going to say that your guy is “bumping in the snow” with his boss, but it would not surprise me.  He may be just going for the money and could care less about this woman.  Let’s say that’s the case.  That still doesn’t excuse him from being so possessive about you, particularly when it comes to your job.  The fact that he has a problem with you doing men’s hair in your role as a professional hairstylist makes him appear to be an insecure brother.  Perhaps he has reason to be concerned and you forgot to tell that side of the story.  Given what you have shared with me, you are going to have trouble in this relationship.  Also the current climate in relationships doesn’t really force a guy to work with you in a relationship.  Too many have lowered their standards, which let men off of the hook when it comes to being accountable and sometimes respectful.  Your guy is not different.  You need to demand a certain level of respect for him.  If he has trouble with this, save yourself some heartache and find a new man. 


Dear Snooky: 

I am a very attractive and accomplished 30ish single mom.  I have a longtime male friend from college who is a nice guy but is always in people’s business.  He and I have never been intimate, although he tried to get the “goodies” back in the day; he never got them because I was in love with his friend.  Even after college, he would call me sometimes and say, “Your boy is in town, you gonna hook him up?”  And back in the day, I did.  That was years ago. 

Anyway, he recently contacted me about hooking up with his boss.  He described me to his boss as a “fun girl”.  As he continued to explain, it became apparent that his boss was a woman!  That’s right a woman.  Snooky, I do not go that way.  I love men.  As far as he should know, I don’t get my thrills from women.  If you were lucky enough to get with me you would know that I give plenty of thrills to men. 

My jackass friend gave the woman my cell phone number and she’s already left me 5 messages, each one referring to “getting together” or “connecting.”  He then explains that his employee evaluation is coming up and that he needs all the points he can get.  He’s a single dad with two wonderful kids.  He’s had bad luck with women and I would hate to see him lose his job.  He asked me to go to lunch with her and emphasized that I should “just go along and be nice to her.” 

It appears to me that my friend is pimping me to keep his job.  Here is my question:  Should I have sex with my friend’s boss so that he can keep his job?

I don’t think that our friendship is that strong.  However, if, I do decide to hook up with her, it would be because I care about those kids and would not want their father to lose his job because they would suffer.  Help me Snooky, I need your advice. 

Losing Sleep In Texas 

Dear Losing Sleep:

Where do I start?  Hell no, you don't sleep with her.  What the hell is wrong with you?  Why would you even consider it?  Let me slow down. First off, he is not a real friend.  A real friend would not put you in that situation.  If he’s in trouble on the job, that’s because he’s screwing up on the job.  That is his responsibility, not yours.  If he loses his job, then he loses his job.  He’ll have to get his sorry ass out there or sleep with her himself (Did I just say what I think I said?)  I read your letter carefully and saw no indication that he instructed you that sex would be involved.  Now maybe he told you that, but that was not clear in the letter.  However, to be fair, it is reasonable to assume that some sort of sexual favor or liaison is implied.  You might want to ask your so-called friend, why he would describe you as a “fun girl” to his boss.  Did he indicate to her that you were fun in a sexual or lesbian kind of way?  What specifically did he tell her?

Let me get right to it.  Unless, you are curious and want to check her out to see if there is some kind of vibe or connection the answer is “NO!”  Or as Whitney would say, “Hell to the No.”  Your jackass friend made this mess and he needs to clean it up.  He also doesn’t think much of you to put you in this situation.  Remember, he set this thing up first and then told you.  What kind of friend does that?  Tell him not to call you and if you talk to her, explain to her that you and your friend, really aren’t that tight and you have no idea what she’s referring to.


So what do you think?  If you would like to respond to this article click here and sign our Guestbook to leave a public or private statement, comment or reaction. 

Dear Snooky,

I am 45 years young. I live in the UK, divorced with 3 children (different fathers), the oldest is 25 and the youngest is 7.  My problem is that I cannot meet a nice black guy.  I am an attractive, fun, bubbly, sweet natured, honest, caring, understanding, and decent black woman.

I am very independent, I am not a show off, lets say I am very happy for what i have achieved in my life so far.  When I go out with my girlfriends to parties etc not one guy approach me. They look at me but that is all!  When I ask my friends the question why, their response is that men assume that I already have a man.

I know I have a nice personality; I am a typical Sagittarius by nature.  I dress trendy; I don't look my age (look younger).  I divorced my husband through personal reasons. My first baby father was very violent; my second baby father was a loser.

I have met married men in the past but I can't go down that road.  Apart from joining dating agencies what do you suggest?  (Please don’t say "tough luck").  I await your early response.


Frustrated black girl somewhere in the UK 

Dear Frustrated in the UK: 

Meeting a "nice" black guy seems to be a universal problem the world over.  How do you define nice?  Clearly there are nice black guys out there but they are not plenty.  Here is part of the problem.  Many women in your age category have lowered their standards when it comes to meeting men.  That means that many men don't have to behave like gentlemen and are not held accountable for their behavior.  So when they meet a woman like you who insists on some honest and consistency, you actually stand out.  Their logic tells them:  "Why should I go through this hassle, when I can go over here to this other woman who will allow me to do what I want to do, when I want to do it, with no questions asked?  And she believes everything that I tell her.  Some sistas will even give the brother money if he says that he needs it. 

To be fair to the brothers, they may see something in you that raises a flag.  I'm not suggesting that there is anything wrong with you, but they may sense or see something that tells them that is not going to work for them.  For some men, dating a woman with 3 children with different fathers is a "caution flag."  There are some "gold-diggers" out there who are constantly digging for gold. 

You see where this is going?  I won't say "tough luck," but I will say that you must be patient and have a little bit of luck.  Prayer won't hurt either. 


Dear Snooky: 

I am in a relationship with a guy who is really nice to my 4 sons and me.  We have been together for 2 years.  I am a 37 year old who was married and now divorced.  I began dating 5 years ago.  During that time I met some real losers. Well this is my problem. I am not physically and sexually attracted to my current guy. Since I am getting older, should I settle for the kind heart, (especially since I been with losers in the past) and forget about the physical stuff?  I am getting older!  By the way, he complains that I never want to have sex.  There are only so many excuses I can come up with. 


Dear Anonymous: 

OK, Anonymous.  Where do I start?  You’ve been with this guy for two years.  I assume that during that period you can identify a few concrete things that you feel have value that you like or love about him.  Here’s what I want you to do.  Sit someplace quiet.  Close your eyes.  Take a few deep breaths and answer this question:  When you think of a stable and loving relationship, what do you see?  Be specific.  Does your guy have any or all of these qualities?  If so, this is where you begin to build your foundation.  You start with what you have.  If he does not have any of those qualities, then you must determine if he is capable of acquiring them.  Being nice to you and your sons is an important factor.  Is that enough to carry you through a long relationship?

I understand that you’ve had your share of losers.  (You know you’re not alone in that arena).  That being said, being 37 years old is not old, at least in my mind.  Be mindful of your attitude toward yourself and age.  You don’t want to perpetuate your own self-fulfilling prophecy that you’re too old to find love. 

Now let’s address the more dicey and subjective aspect of your problem—SEX.  You don’t find “homeboy” attractive.  You need to decide how important a factor SEX is for you.  You did not indicate why you don’t find this guy to be attractive.  So I’m hesitant to render an opinion because of the lack of information.  I will say this.  When you talk about SEX in a relationship, there’s SEX 1.0, and then there’s SEX 2.0.  With SEX 1.0 you can set an egg timer and walk through the motions on a weekly basis.  But with SEX 2.0, we’re talking about hair pulling, eye rolling, toe curling, catch your breath-heavy breathing, gymnastic monkey love! 

If getting Sex 2.0 is what you need and your guy can’t deliver, then you should seriously think about terminating the relationship.  I know that sounds harsh but I’m about keeping it real.  You would only be fooling yourself and putting yourself in a position of being miserable trying to fake it or creepin’.  I wish you had provided more information about him.  It makes me wonder how you’ve managed to be with him for 2 years when you don’t find him attractive.

You’re already in a situation where you have to make excuses NOT to have sex with your mate.  Do yourself a favor—get out now!  This dude probably doesn't feel good about the situation.  If he says that he's OK with that, then he needs to write a letter to me, because something is wrong with him.  There’s no way in the world that I would tolerate that situation, but then again, I’m SNOOKY!  Hope this helps. 


Dear Snooky,

I am a highly sought after, black, air force, female on my way to owning my own business. I am currently stationed in Iceland. Well, I haven't had a long relationship (at least 6 months-1 year) since Jr. High School. I am so afraid of getting past friend status on to dating interest. I was previously engaged to a longtime friend but it was called off due to my career choice and his love for basketball. Before that I dated a very successful record producer and my career brought an end to the committed part of our relationship as well, even my guy I've known 5 years who I was very fond of, just got back from Iraq and re-enlisted into the Army which was the end of our plans to take the next step. I feel out of luck because nobody has faith in a relationship while I am in the military. It is especially difficult in Iceland where European women worship black men and make it hard to be a respectable lady. Now I am dating another ball player on the Keflavik NATO basketball team. I was so defensive and insecure that I am afraid that he might just end up with one of my "easier" female acquaintances. He hasn't called and I am wondering what I should do to at least begin fresh without being too forward because I am very interested in him. My biggest problem is that I have abstained from sex for some time and plan to stay that way. With such a popular guy, several willing sexual women, and my career in the United States Air Force, is there any way to salvage this relationship or is it a done deal? If there's a way, what do you suggest, otherwise should I call it quits altogether?


Business Only 

Dear Business Only: 

This is complicated.  Let me address your issues in what I believe to be a realistic manner based on the facts and perceptions presented to me.  I believe that your choice to abstain from sex, for whatever reason is a noble one.  I do not know your man but based on the environment that you described, the odds are against you to keep him if women who are willing to have sex with him surround him.  When you add the distance away from each other because of your military career, this is a prescription for “creepin.” 

You don’t sound very confident in your ability to connect with men outside of your career and you’ve been “out of the game” for a while.  I would recommend that you read a recent article posted on our site about “baggage.”  (Click here to read the article).  But I digress. 

It seems that you haven’t had enough successes in your relationship journey to build your confidence, as if you’re always starting from square one.  Drop the baggage and start fresh.  Evaluate each guy using your instincts and the facts before you.  Your motto should be:  “Every guy that I meet is a good guy, until conclusively proven otherwise.”  Based on the limited info that I have, I think that’s the best that I can do. 




Dear Other Woman: 

You already know what to do.  You just said it.  Just take a deep breath, get a good cry and just do it!  Don’t beat yourself up just leave.  The dude lied from "jump street" and all in between.  Nothing, I repeat, NOTHING good can come from this.  You are guaranteed at least two things:  A broken heart and wasted time.  Stay away from him so that your next letter won't be signed, "The Other Woman."  I know that you don't like that phrase, so start your new year off right and march away from that dude. 

Turn around soldier!  About face!  March!


Dear Snooky,

I recently broke up with my boyfriend. We are in that awkward "just friends" mode, where we are walking on eggshells and pretending that we are going to work it out. In many ways, I want it to work out; I love him, but I was the one that broke it off 3 times. I feel guilty about what I did, but at the same time, now that we are "just friends" I am afraid he is just using our “Friends with Benefits” status to volley him to the next woman.  He says he isn’t.  What should I do?

No Name Given 

Dear No Name: 

Have you heard the phrase, “Love is a game?”  Well, your situation is tantamount to a high stakes game.  What’s high stakes you ask?  At any given time, the rules will change and you may quickly discover that shift from “playing” the game to “being” the game.  You can’t have it both ways.  You initiated the breakup (3 times).  Did you breakup to catapult to the next guy?”  Perhaps you discovered that “all that glitters ain’t gold?”  I’m just asking.  If this is not the case, then let’s focus on your concern.  Why do you feel guilty?  You need to seriously think about that.  Let me share what I’ve learned about guilt.  Guilt is a useless commodity.  By that I mean, you can’t do anything with it.  As for your concerns with the “Friends with Benefits options, a man cannot access the benefits if you don’t provide them.  I’ll just leave it at that.


Hello Snooky:

I am a 23 year old. My problem is I have been talking to this dude for some time. We finally decided to take it to the next level and have sex. He couldn't even get it up.  He made some excuse like he just wasn't feeling it, but it was his idea.  He's pretty cool guy but I don't want to waste my time on a guy that’s unpredictable. Am I wrong? What should I do?

Kei Kei, Greenville, NC

Whoa Kei Kei!  Stop the train.  Ah the perils of youth.  Young lady, and I don’t mean that in pejorative sense, do you realize that you run the risk of dumping one of the best lovers that you may ever have?  Say what?  You heard me!  Let me give you some additional food to place on your plate. 

It is not uncommon for guys to suffer from a bit of anxiety when its time to perform the first time with a woman, even if its their idea.  That’s part of the anxiety.  Chances are brother man psyched himself out.  If this was the case, there is no doubt in my mind that you were sending him some negative signals either through your body language or maybe even a few words. 

Again, IF, this was a case of performance anxiety, he put most of the pressure on himself.  Other factors to consider are the place.  Was the atmosphere conducive?  Was time a factor?  Did you only have 20 minutes to do it before somebody came home?  Don’t assume that he’s unpredictable because he couldn’t get it up.  I bet if you give him another chance he’ll say YES!  As for the excuses, what did you expect him to say?  I have to assume that if you got that if you were ready for sex that you saw other traits or characteristics in him that you liked.  If there is a next time, help him out by focusing on those other traits so that sex is a natural by product.  If you are standing over the guy, “huffin’ and puffin”, rolling your eyes and looking at your watch, trust me—nothing will happen. 

All I’m saying is that I think this guy deserves the benefit of the doubt in this area.  Besides, how do we know that you’re “ALL THAT” yourself?  (Hello?)  I mean, let’s keep it real.  He may get his MOJO working and you may have an off night.  Slow your roll, be a bit more patient and you may find that you end up with a wonderful guy who may even know a few tricks that will have you securing your weave while you’re head is hanging off the side of the bed! 

Holla at playa if you see him in the street! 


Hey Snooky: 

I am a 33-year-old single professional female never been married and have no children. I have been dating this great guy for about 6 months. He is always there for me and goes above and beyond. We spend a great deal of time together. He takes me places I have never been before. He has no emotional baggage. He has never been married and has no children. In the past I have had a couple of bad relationships. Dealing with men who just lie and cheat for no reason. The problem that I am having is that I don't find him to be attractive. He has a great body and making love to him is wonderful. However, I think with all the B.S. I have experienced with men in the past, I am looking for fault in him. As far as his finances, he has a great career as well as a vision and is a very hard worker. He wants to live a good life and this we definitely have in common. He comes from a very good family and is at a point in his career where he is ready to settle down. However as far as the looks are concerned, do you think I am settling if he is not exactly what I am attracted to?


O.K. Angel:

You realize that in the eyes of many women reading this, this guy looks better and better with every sentence read.  You are certainly entitled to set your standards in men to get the very best man that you can get.  However, I must ask you a question.  What characteristics do you look for in a man?

Angel, intellectually, you know that it is unfair and unreasonable to extend the bad behavior of your past boyfriends to new men in your life.  Now emotionally, may be a different story.  Unless you’re excessively vain, forget about how the guy looks.  Why do you think that you might be looking for faults in this guy?  Is this a way of protecting yourself from being hurt again.  You cannot lower expectations in mates and then expect a superior product.  It’s only been six months.  What’s the rush?  Why not accept the guy as is and let the relationship continue to develop.  If his actions and deeds are congruent and consistent six months from now, I bet you he will look a lot better.  If he doesn’t start to look better and you can’t get past the looks, then you may want to bail out.  I know that sounds petty, but let’s be real.  Looks matter and when things get rough, you will turn to the fact that you’re not attracted to him and use that as a reason to bail out anyway.


Dear Snooky,

This is straight talk.  My husband does not like to sleep with me or may I say have sex with me.  We have been together almost 5 years.  We only have sex once or twice a month.  He doesn't desire me anymore or he never liked women from the start.  I feel sometimes that he married me as a front because he is really gay and he does not want the Army to find out.  I am 5 years older than he is.  I loved the excitement that I found in him in the beginning but now it is gone or it was never there.  It was all a front for the fellas. 

I am not fat or ugly.  I have a very sweet personality and men hit on me all the time.  I am a graduate student at a local college and I have to turn the college guys down on a regular basis.  I am sexually deprived.  I am starving for a little sexual activity at least 3 times a week when my period is not on. 

Help me!  I feel as though I am going to commit adultery. 


Dear Charmed: 

Hold on Charmed.  Don’t get your panties all bunched up in a wad.  I get the sense that you knew or either should have known that your husband “played for the other team.”  If what you say is true, it does appear that you’ve been “had” or "took."  You know, taken advantage of.  Just because he only has sex with you once or twice a month doesn’t necessarily mean that he’s gay.  That frequency wouldn’t work for the “Snooky Man,” but maybe you have a higher sex drive than your husband.  I don’t see where age is a factor unless, as an older woman, you were excited that you were involved with a younger man.  Do I sense a little vanity or ego?  I’m just asking.  I think you should make every effort to talk and work things out with you husband.  If that doesn’t work, then do what you have to do and move on.  Based on your description of your physical attributes, you should have no problem finding someone to satisfy you several times a week.  Personally, I think you might want to focus on exercising better judgment when it comes to selecting partners.


Hi Snooky, 

I need some advice.  I'm a 27-year-old black female dating a 37-year-old male for the last 4 months.  In terms of friendship, things have been great.  However, we have little to no sex life.  The first month we were together, he tried very hard to sleep with me and I said no and he was cool.  However, after that he totally withdrew and has turned almost monk. 

By month three I was ready.  I would spend the night at his house 1-2 times a week.  I would be totally “buck naked” in bed, and he would lay over me and turn the TV on.  Or, more often, he would fall asleep by 11 pm and barely awake when I tried to initiate something.  A couple of times things went pretty far, but it was pretty much like high school-grinding, oral sex, etc., and once he seemed to want to penetrate me, but I withdrew because he seemed to want to try without a condom.  I don't play that.  Then, a couple of times, he broke dates early, and I think it was to avoid physical contact with me. 

We both have demanding schedules - he owns his own business, takes care of his daughter and has severe allergies.  I know he finds me very sexually attractive.  He's constantly complimenting me and is very affectionate.  I work out constantly, have a great body, face, my own career, home, etc.   I've been passively aggressive.  I’ve been sending nasty e-cards and flirting in a very sexual way.  I’m scared to come out and ask why he won’t make a move on me.  I'm used to having to beat men off of me, and am kind of hurt/ashamed.  I also really like him and don't want to offend his ego. 

He does have some “size anxiety,” however; I think he's average and fine with me.  I personally prefer average sized men.  Snooky, what do I do?  I would prefer our first time to be special, with him into it and at full attention?  Could he be scared?  Gay? I get no radar on the “gaydar,” if you know what I mean.  In the meantime, I am considering starting to look elsewhere, because sex is very important to me. 


Dear Sexless: 

Let me share my initial impressions with you about this situation.  I don’t think the age thing has anything to do with the lack of sex.  This assumes that your man is in reasonably good shape.  I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again:  “90% of sex is between your ears.”  What I mean is that if your guy is mentally turned on by you, he will be able “to get it up and turn it loose.” 

Assuming that the guy is not “J. L. King” (On The Down Low) and he is attracted to women, you have to conclude that for whatever reason, “he’s just not that into you.”  You may find this hard to believe, but hey, it happens.  You say that you’re an attractive woman.  I believe that.  But let me tell you, if you’re in bed with no clothes on, you could look like Morgan Freeman and most guys are going to try and “hit it.”  Do I need to reference my award winning article from last year about "women's stuff?"  (Click here to read the article if you're not familiar with it).  The only thing your guy is reaching for is the remote.  That’s a bad sign.  Not good my sister. 

I would strongly suggest that you two stop beating around the bush, (no pun intended).  Ask the guy this question:  “Why won’t you have sex with me?”  Then shut up and listen to him.  Ask the question in such a way to get an answer.  Leave any attitude or judgments about him at the door.  Just deal with the answer. 

You want sex from him.  If he’s unwilling to give it, then you can’t force him.  You should probably just move on.  You said that sex is very important to you.  Is it the sex that is important by itself, or sex as part of a well-rounded relationship?  It’s possible that he may be intimidated.  He may feel that you place too great an emphasis on sex and that he may not be able to measure up.  That’s possible.  Back in the day, I would run into a sista who would talk, talk, talk, about sex and how good she was.  Then she got a chance to go to Camp Snooky and ride the “Snooky-Go-Round.”  You know what happened?  She got her young ass worn out!  You may want to tone down the sex talk and focus more on a relationship.  One thing for sure, you need to ask the question and find out why he has not been physical with you.  Hope this helps. 


Note from Snooky:  I'm posting the following letter from a loyal reader in hopes that it will serve as a source of strength and inspiration to others. 


Hi Snooky, I am an avid fan of yours and enjoy your column more than any other I’ve ever had the pleasure of reading. You give good sound and straight to the point advice, but what impresses me the most is your ability to know when to be compassionate and when to tinge your advice with a twist of humor. You’re great Snooky! Please keep on keeping it real. 

After reading your column today I identified with the reader “Waiting.” You see, I am also waiting on God to provide me with the mate of His choice. It’s been 12 yrs since my divorce and 6 yrs since my last relationship. Judging from the way her story reads “Waiting” is a young woman and I applaud her for (1) being intelligent enough to realize that love and sex are two separate issues (2) being strong enough to hold out for a meaningful relationship.  I was 34 years old when I awoke one morning with the desire to die rather than face another pain filled day caused by a broken relationship. (Emphasis on wanting to die … in order to escape the pain… not because I couldn’t live without the man).  That was a pivotal turning point in my life.  I had four wonderful children to live for and my love for them is much greater than any love I can have for a man. I began getting my act together by first accepting God as the head of my life and then learning to love myself. I learned that it was not the men who were causing the negativity in my life--it was me!

In every relationship the warning signs are there from the beginning but some of us choose to ignore them.  Most (women and men) seem to think that we can change a person if we love them enough or that in time the person will love us enough to become who we want them to be. Well, that just isn’t so. People don’t need us to change them. We need to learn that when a situation doesn’t feel right chances are it isn’t right. This is the time to move on…not become deeper involved. It’s hard being single in a world filled with couples but through prayer I’ve learned the difference in being “alone” and being “lonely.” Spending time in prayer/meditation, surrounding myself with positive friends, and engaging in enjoyable activities prevent depression/loneliness and develops patience and perseverance. When someone comes into your life be patient.

My mother gives me the best advice in the world about entering a relationship she always says, “Before committing to someone physically wait, wait, and then wait some more. If they are truly interested in a long term commitment time is not a factor in the relationship.” At the age of 40, I am just now learning how to open my heart without giving it too soon. I hope this helps someone else to do the same. 


  Patiently Waiting

So what do you think?  If you would like to respond to Snooky click here and sign our Guestbook to leave a public or private statement, comment or reaction. 


Tell me what you think. I have been dating this guy and he truly does not respect my time or me. We have been dating for a while now and all of a sudden his pattern changed. He use to call me every night, now he says when he gets home he is so tired that he goes straight to bed, however when I try to call him he does not answer. He use to come over at least twice during the week, but now he says that he's to busy or that he has to go to the gym.  Also whenever we make plans for the weekend, he always has an excuse as to why he needs to change the plans.  Sometimes he just does not call or he just won't plan for a specific time. For example if we say 5:00 he'll say ok, but call me first. Well I always argue, because if we have plans for 5:00, then 5:00 it is. However he will always call before the time we are suppose to get together and say either he is not home or let's push it back, which at that time it is always much later.  

A couple of weeks ago, he called me a couple of times at work, however during this time we were not speaking, well I didn't want to talk to him at work, so I said to myself I will just stop by his place after work.  Well when I got there, of course his truck was home and there was another car parked next to him that I had never seen.  Well he didn't open the door. I knew he was home, because at first the music was playing and then he turned it down. Well he would not open the door.   

I called him on his cell phone and he was not answering.  Finally he answered, but didn't say anything.  I heard the woman say, “Why don't you tell her to stop calling?"  I hung up and went home. He called me at midnight to make it seem as if he had just gotten home. He stated that he was not home and that his friend was there. I told him that I am not stupid. He went on trying to explain, and had the nerve to say, “Maybe you went to the wrong apartment and dialed the wrong number.”  I was livid.  Well the next weekend I was having lunch with a friend and he walks into the restaurant with another woman, who he says was a church member. Now let me remind you, he had no time to see me during the weekend, but he was with this other woman and the same car that was parked next to his truck was the same car in the parking lot at the restaurant.  The same car he says he does not know about.  I have tried to give him the benefit of the doubt.  Do you think he truly think this is just a church member?  

Confused in Florida 


You are very confused.  Don’t you have any girlfriends that can shake some sense into you?  I am not going to waste your time.  This guy is playing you.  He has another woman at a minimum.  Please, leave him alone.  You are making a fool out of yourself.  You told him that you were not stupid.  So stop acting that way.  You are acting like a desperate woman.  Stop it!  Stop it now!  If you can’t leave him alone, then seek professional help. 


Hi Snooky,

You advice column is awesome.  I have been dating this guy for about 5 months. He is a great guy. We started off spending a great deal of time together. We also have been intimate 3 times.  Well right now we are not intimate, he says that he does not want to be intimate until we are in a committed relationship.  Also, lately we have not been spending as much time together and he has done some things to piss me the hell off.  I communicated with him that whatever it is he is doing he could continue, because I am too good to be put on the back burner and that things will have to change.  I was becoming frustrated because of the lack of time we have spent together within the past month.  I asked if it was someone else and he said no.  He said that I was the only person he was going out with.  He then went on to say that sometimes he just likes to be by himself.  I told him that I was walking away, because I just felt like he was being dishonest with me.  However, he states that he does not want me to walk away and that he wants us to take it slow and get to know each other before rushing into a relationship.  My question to you is:  Should I be concerned and also how should I handle a man like this? 


Dear Sandra:

Thank you for the compliments about the column.  Let’s get to it.  Why would you want to handle a man like this?  I think that you know the answer to your question.  You just don’t want to acknowledge the obvious.  If you take an honest assessment of your situation you would probably conclude the following: 

--This guy is not that into you

--He is probably not being straight with you

Why?  Because he can.  Look, when it comes to relationships, in most cases, a man will find the time to be with a woman if he’s into her.  Let me repeat, he’s just not that into you.  His request to be by himself should be accommodated.  Let me help you interpret this situation.  A guy like this is pretty clever; so you must be able to “read between the lies,” uh pardon me, I meant to say “read between the lines.”  My bad. 

He said:  You’re the only person he’s going out with

He didn’t say:  You’re the only person that he’s having sex with

He said:  After sleeping with you 3 times, he decided that he didn’t want to be intimate until you’re in a committed relationship, and yet he has not made himself available to develop a relationship

He didn’t say:  “I met someone else and I want to spend time with her.” 

He said:  He does not want you to walk away and that he wants the two of you to take it slow and get to know each other before rushing into a relationship.

He didn’t say:  “I’m undecided between you and the other woman so you need to hang around and serve as my back up.”

This is a lose/lose situation.  You want to know how to handle a guy like this.  “Handling” a guy like this is like playing a slot machine.  The odds are astronomical that you will win.  You can’t “handle” this guy and win.  Let me leave you with your own words: 

You said:  “I am too good to be put on the back burner.”

Snooky says:  Prove it and walk away.




Back By Popular Demand - Snooky Rates Women's Stuff

(Warning Strong Adult Language)

Dear Snooky: 

This morning, after a great session of lovemaking, my boyfriend gets up and says:  “Girl your stuff is top shelf.”  He then smiled and kissed me on the cheek.  I was happy and assumed that this was a good thing.  What does “top shelf” mean? 

Cassandra M., Waltham, MA 

Dear Cassandra:

Ol’ Snooky is going to educate you.  What I’m about to share probably should be in the Sexuality & Stuff section of the web site.  That’s how sensitive this information is.  I’m not breaking any confidences, but I’m probably straddling the line of what I should and should not share.  There's clearly an "unwritten" rule in the Players Handbook, but I'm going to allow you to sit in class today.  Welcome to the Snooky Charm School for "players."  Open your books to Chapter 69 -- "How To Evaluate P---y."  I don’t speak for all men.  This is my rating criteria.  That being said, there is a baseline "unwritten rule" about women’s “stuff.”  The rule is as follows:  There’s no such thing as bad pussy.  It’s all good -- some is just better than others. 

If you understand and accept this hypothesis then you can understand my rating criteria.  Unlike the Russian judges in Olympic figure skating, my rating system awards points for versatility and flexibility.  This rating system is not scientific, however, the results are based on normative data from years of testing.  For purposes of this segment, I will substitute the word "stuff" for the word "pussy."  There's no need to gratuitously throw that word around. 

The following information is not listed in priority order and is a partial listing of the Snooky “Stuff” Rating criteria: 

Multipurpose “Stuff” – This is the fastest growing “stuff” right now.  A woman who has multipurpose “stuff” has "stuff" so good that it appeals to almost any kind of man.  It appeals to the brothers who like petite “stuff,” firm “stuff,” tight “stuff,” juicy “stuff” etc.  Multipurpose stuff also provides easier access and better handling in a variety of positions. 

Traditional “Stuff – This is the kind of “stuff” that’s just there.  There’s nothing particularly special about this “stuff” as it gets the job done when you need it.

Force Limiter “Stuff – This is the kind of “stuff” that cannot take maximum force.  If you want to round the bases and “slam it home,” then this is not the “stuff” for you.

Maytag “Stuff – This stuff is so good that no one thinks they have a chance of getting it.  Maytag "stuff" sits idle with no activity.  The woman has to stir it up herself on occasion to keep it from going bad.

Olympic “Stuff – The woman who has Olympic “stuff” is physically in the best shape of her life and could qualify for most Olympic competition.  Her “stuff” doesn’t get a lot of activity.  The word on the street is that Olympic “stuff” will kill you.  Unless you are in the best shape of your life, or just want your balls busted, stay away from this one.  If you can’t deliver, the woman with Olympic “stuff” is strong enough to flip you over and “tap dat ass.”

Upgradeable “Stuff – This is good quality stuff that you know can be even better.  Be careful!  An upgrade usually means that the “stuff” is more convenient; you’re not getting any better quality. 

Depreciable “Stuff – This “stuff” is good now, but is likely to lose value in the future.  Usually, the woman is crazy.  Her head is not on straight and you have to go through so much drama to get it, that the “stuff” ain't worth the effort.

Recommended “Stuff – This “stuff” is consistently good.  It performs well in almost every position.  This “stuff” is so good that if you weren’t so close to it, you would recommend it to a friend.

Must Hit “Stuff – This is the kind of stuff that you know you must “hit” regardless of the risk if ever given the opportunity. 

High Impact “Stuff – This kind of “stuff” can easily survive rollovers, headboards, lotions, oil and slippery conditions.

Compact “Stuff – This “stuff” can only accommodate 6 inches or less.  If you’re under 6 inches this is the equivalent of hitting it out the park.  Also, see  “Recommended Stuff.”

Subcompact “Stuff – This “stuff” can only accommodate 4 inches or less.  When the going gets good, the ride is likely to be noisy, choppy and hard to get in and out of.  These are usually your gymnast types.  Subcompact "Stuff" is also good for spinning and twirling.

Limousine “Stuff – This “stuff” is very large and can accommodate up to 12 inches.  The ride is smooth, supple and comfortable.  This is your "Glide Ride."  If you hear any noise, it will be that good kind of noise (if you know what I mean).

Off Road “StuffOff Road “Stuff” handles clumsily at times, but the stability and control that it provides for your member make this “stuff” well worth the ride.  This stuff is usually associated with a heavy load.

Top Shelf “Stuff (#1 Rated) – Just the mere site of this stuff will get you excited.  Top Shelf “Stuff” is usually shaved, impeccably finished and smooth to the touch.  Performance is always good in any position, even in rough terrain.  Top Shelf “Stuff” can get you to accelerate quickly and level you off for a long and smooth ride.  You will not find any signs of high mileage, sagging or excessive wear with Top Shelf “Stuff.”  Top Shelf “Stuff” will satisfy you.  If you have access to Top Shelf “Stuff” you better bring your hardhat, thermos, flashlight and lunch pail, because you will have to work.  Any woman with Top Shelf “Stuff” knows she has it.  She instinctively knows what to do, so you are guaranteed the best of the best. 

I hope this has been helpful.   


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