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Neatly tucked away in Cyberspace streams an Internet radio show with a conscious and heart for people. Street Masters, hosted by Butch Jamieson , Lee Manley, Sherina Jamieson and powered by IM4RadioDC.com, conveys a very clear vision and purpose: helping people tackle addiction and the recovery process, through education.

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FINDING A WIFE: A Love Letter to My Single Brothas

Janiro Hawkins II doesn’t even know I’m about to shout him out like this, but I think men (especially black men) don’t receive enough praise so…Janiro, get over it!

Last month, I went to his birthday party and he shared with me that aside from the other million jobs that he has (a full-time, Platinum Bound, the SEAs, the magazine, etc.) that he was taking up another one at night.   

“What the heck, Janiro?” I said.  “When are you going to get any sleep?” 

“It’s just for six months or so,” he said in his casual, “Janiro-like”, matter-of-fact kind of way.  “My wife wants to go back to school.” 

When Janiro’s wife arrived, I didn’t have any shame.  I praised him in front of both of them.  “Girl, you have such a good man.  He’s such a good provider.” 

I remember when I went to their wedding.  I knew Janiro well enough, but it wasn’t until that party that I went from liking him to truly honoring him for being the godly husband that he is and for reminding me to set a standard and wait on God to manifest it.  I wholeheartedly believe that Janiro knows God’s purpose for a husband to be willing to make that sacrifice to provide for his helpmate, but I also believe that there is something about Mrs. Hawkins that, like Jacob did for Rachel, makes Janiro want to work for her.  There’s something about her that’s worth it. 

My interceding partner and I are doing a study right now on “asking, seeking and knocking” when it comes to mate selection.  It really opened my eyes when God led me to research what those words really mean, mostly because they are not gender-sensitive.  So many women think that getting a husband requires no effort/action on our part, but there are so many references in the Bible when it did (Esther and Ruth, for example).  We ALL are called to “ask, seek and knock”, but what really hit me like a ton of bricks was when God took me to the verse that so often we women use out of context to justify why we need to sit around whining, nagging, twiddling our thumbs and being divas: 

“He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord.”---Proverbs 18:22 (NKJV) 

The three words that trip me out are “find”, “good” and “favor”.  Actually “wife” trips me out too, but I’ll get to that in a second. 

How many times have you heard a girl say, “I ain’t gonna do nothin’.  It’s his job to FIND me”?  Shoot, if you were listening to me babble in the past on the issue, I’m sure you heard me say it at least once---in ignorance.  Oh, but look at what the word means: 

FIND: to come upon by chance; meet with; to locate, attain, or obtain by search or effort; to locate or recover (something lost or misplaced); to discover or perceive after consideration; to succeed in reaching; arrive at; to bring (oneself) to an awareness of what one truly wishes to be and do in life; come upon after searching; find the location of something that was missed or lost; make a discovery, make a new finding. 

First of all, that means there is more than one way to find someone, right?  Not necessarily will she be the girl you’ve dated since high school; she may be the woman you just met at work (chance).  Not necessarily will she be someone new; she may be your ex (recover).  Not necessarily will she be the Coca-Cola bottle you’ve always had a preference for; she may be “thicker” than that (perceive after consideration).  Not necessarily will she be a love at first sight; she may be the one who you realize sees/supports your vision (awareness of what one truly wants). 

In other words, don’t limit when or even how  your “good thing” can come to you.  Not knowing how to “find” her could cause you to miss out (which is why I provided the definitions). 

That alone is revelatory enough, but let’s go a little further. 

According to Solomon’s wisdom and God’s inspiration (2 Timothy 3:16), a man who “finds” a wife, finds something “good”: 

GOOD: morally excellent; virtuous; righteous; pious; right; proper; fit; genuine; not counterfeit; reliable; dependable; responsible; kind, beneficent, or friendly; educated and refined; (WOW) financially sound or safe; not spoiled or tainted; free of distress or pain; comfortable; close or intimate; warm; competent or skillful; clever; socially proper; fertile; rich; loyal; attractive; advantageous; satisfactory for the purpose; remaining available to one. 

I don’t know about you guys, but I look at a lot of marriages and I wonder if this check list even crossed the husband’s mind before getting married.  I often tell people that a single woman (who desires to be married) greatest job is to make sure she is a GOOD WIFE when she is “found”.  But being that I could be found “by chance” or “recovery” or “after consideration” or (my personal favorite) “after a man discovers what he truly wishes to be in life” that means that I must ALWAYS be in wife preparation.  I need to be morally excellent NOW.  I need to be genuine (not perfect, but real) NOW.  I need to be responsible NOW.  I need to be educated NOW.  I need to be financially sound NOW.  I need to be unspoiled NOW.  I need to be someone who is free of distress NOW.  I need to be warm NOW.  But what I love most about being “a good thing” is that I am to be satisfactory for a man’s purpose spiritually, professionally, relationally, intimately and otherwise.  And, because I never really know how or when I will be found, I need to remain single (whole, complete, alone) so that when he comes, I am only available to only one; him (hey, you can get mad if you want to, but I’m just translating what the definition says). 

So let me stop there.  My motivation for even penning this in the first place is because I have some “play brothers” who are in a season where they are asking God for a wife.  Their desire is what motivated me to write this.  As I think of all, well most of them, the thing that have in common is that they are wonderful men with a weakness for women.  That alone can jack up one’s discernment (because of course the Enemy would want to use what’s supposed to bless you to curse you), but after they shared some of their horror stories, I wonder how many qualities of “good’ these gals actually had (yes, I know they have some issues too, ladies, but this is a letter to the fellas).  I could go down a whole list of “What were you thinking?” responses I’ve had to their “Shellie, can you believe she did/said such and such” but more than anything, since Proverbs 18:22 says that wives are to bring favor to a man, “play brothers”, how is sleeping with you, phone stalking you, chasing you by land, air and sea, pimping you by making you their gigolos (i.e., buying you stuff all of the time) or stressing out helping you accomplish what God called you to do in this earth: FULFILL YOUR PURPOSE. 

I’ll tell you what: As someone who is doing her own “asking, seeking and knocking”, if there’s one thing God keeps bringing to my mind is that with obedience comes revelation.  Plainly put, some of this stuff has only come to me since I have taken a full and complete vow of abstinence; not just from sex (although if I can do it, YOU ALL CAN DO IT), but from premature intimacy as well---on any level. 

When God said that to obey is better than to sacrifice (I Samuel 15:22), do you know that he meant?  If you are obedient to doing things his way, you don’t have to sacrifice your time, your energy, your emotions, your talent, your purpose when it comes to dealing with us women.  Again, a wife is meant to BRING FAVOR, NOT DEPLETE YOU and since we are to have proper wife characteristics upon your arrival, a good way to weave out the counterfeits is by determining how much favor they bring into your world now…right now…at this very moment. 

FAVOR: friendly or well-disposed regard; goodwill; the state of being approved or held in regard; excessive kindness or unfair partiality; preferential treatment; to deal with, treat, or use gently; on the side of; in support of; to one's credit or advantage.  

Even right now, as a single woman with male friends, I ask God to have them see me from a favorable position, which I will be honest with you, until recently, I never really thought about.  Most certainly, because I now know that I am “a good thing”, I’m aware that I’m not called to be a helpmate to all, just one, but I do believe that personal relationships, when they are healthy, should set a standard.  If I am to have faith that God can do exceedingly above all I could ask or think with my own future companion (Ephesians 3:20), then I have to show my FAITH by putting it to WORK now (James 2:17).  If I want my “play brothers” to have a good woman and be able to detect/discern/desire good fruit (Galatians 5:22-23), I have to be loving, joyful, PEACEFUL, PATIENT, kind, good, FAITHFUL (to God and to myself), GENTLE and exhibit SELF-CONTROL (in word and deed) even in my casual relationships so that they can know that when God says that he can do above all that they can think of when it comes to what they want in a woman, he can---and will.  Yes, if they do this wife search thing his way, it’s possible.  A good wife is not idealistic, but realistic for those who live in God’s kingdom and follow his rules: 

“But, on the contrary, as the Scripture says, What eye has not seen and ear has not heard and has not entered into the heart of man, [all that] God has prepared (made and keeps ready) for those who love Him [who hold Him in affectionate reverence, promptly obeying Him and gratefully recognizing the benefits He has bestowed].”---I Corinthians 2:9 (AMP) 

Just yesterday, I was telling my mom the moment I “fell in love” with Dr. Phil.  A prostitute was on Oprah’s show and she was crying about how much she wanted to stop.  Dr. Phil’s response?  “No you don’t.  If you wanted to stop, you would.”

Single fellas, it’s easy to say you want a wife, a helpmate, a good thing but if you can’t get a hold of your flesh, if you’re still flirting around with counterfeits, if you are not open to letting God bring someone to complete his vision for your life and not just appease your eyesight (remember, God made sex so if you’re obedient, you have nothing to worry about when it comes to how she looks anyway), I have to go with Dr. Phil on this one: NO YOU DON’T.  IF YOU DID, YOU WOULD ACT LIKE IT. 

ASK, SEEK, KNOCK, my kings.  I have no doubt in my Heavenly Father that you will be amazed with what you’ll FIND. 

© Shellie R. Warren/2007

 

I Want To Be A “Deadbeat Dad” And My Daughter Won’t Let Me

        By Gerard Ender

From the moment I saw Alexandra pop her little head out I was totally hooked and got this tremendous high that had I known this in the 70’s I would have hung out in delivery rooms instead of drinking and doing drugs. To me she is my oxygen.

Separating from her mother was a very tough time for me because it also meant I would not see her everyday. And since I choose to be a father I had to keep myself totally involved in her life. This wasn’t easy because her mother had much anger towards me, but that’s a whole another story. This one is about putting Alexandra first even though I have wanted to run away because I couldn’t deal with her mother. Her mother would do things to push my buttons and I would want to react by running away. Feelings of hurt, anger, frustration would arise and I would ask myself why I bother with this bitch I should just leave. The biggest frustration is that I always feel I am giving into her mother and I just want to be right and give her a piece of my mind. Well that is a vicious circle, that is what happened in my marriage and it didn’t work, so what would make me think it would work now. Besides in this sadistic circle guess who is in the middle? So, I think of what is important, my varied feelings, being right, or our daughter, and Alexandra is always the beautiful choice.  

I have shared custody of Alexandra practically 50% of the time, I coach her Soccer team not ever having played soccer or knowing anything about it and I have lunch with her whenever I get a chance. I call her several times a week. I am not a weekend or Disney dad. I have her Sunday thru Tuesday then pick her up on Friday until Sunday and so goes the rotation. I chose this so that I could also be a part of putting her to bed on school nights and make sure she does her homework, waking her up, make her lunch, yell at her when she’s taking to long to get dressed even if it was just four days a month, but then I can call on the other days and inquire. I didn’t want her to be 12 and then hear me coming down on her for not doing her homework etc., etc., etc. for the first time.  I am not an advocate that mothers have total rights to children because they are women. I believe that children need both their parents, if living, involved in their lives to grow to be healthy, confident functioning human beings. Of course being a good parent is also another story.  

However a child needs to know their parents are there. And I think that a child that is raised by his mother and has no father around is growing up at a disadvantage. I was one of these children of divorce with extremely no quality time with my father. I hated my father not just because he wasn’t there for me, but because I had to put up with my mother bitching about him. I realized when I got older that that was her way of dealing with her anger and frustration. Yet another reason to be totally committed to Alex because then her mother has less complaints or venting to do. 

I was 34-years old before I decided I was at peace with my father and decided it was time to be a father. I had to be at peace with my demons or I would have more dysfunctions as a father than those just related to being human. My baggage is not Alexandra’s problem, my issues from the past with whoever are not her problems unless I make them hers. I have to be conscious of what exactly is an issue I need to address with Alexandra and what is my shit. This is sometimes easier said than done. It’s a work in progress and probably will be until I die. 

My ex-wife and I separated when our daughter was 3 years old, she is 8 now and in third grade. During a teachers conference, when she was I think in 1^st grade the teacher was giving us the run down on her progress and mentioned how well she was doing and that we must talk a lot at home. She was quite surprised when I informed her we did not live together. “Then you must talk on the phone a lot,” she responded.  My response to her being:  “Not really.”  Then realizing she did not want to continue down this path she blurted out “well you can’t tell by your daughter and we usually can tell who the divorced kids are.”  So I guess her mom and I must be doing something pretty well. 

When tempted to be a deadbeat dad, my daughter won’t let me.

Gerard Ender is a professional actor. 

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