FINDING A WIFE: A Love Letter to My Single
Brothas
Janiro Hawkins II doesn’t
even know I’m about to shout him out like this,
but I think men (especially black men) don’t
receive enough praise so…Janiro, get over it!
Last month, I went to his
birthday party and he shared with me that aside
from the other million jobs that he has (a
full-time, Platinum Bound, the SEAs, the
magazine, etc.) that he was taking up another
one at night.
“What the heck, Janiro?” I
said. “When are you going to get any sleep?”
“It’s just for six months
or so,” he said in his casual, “Janiro-like”,
matter-of-fact kind of way. “My wife wants to
go back to school.”
When Janiro’s wife arrived,
I didn’t have any shame. I praised him in front
of both of them. “Girl, you have such a good
man. He’s such a good provider.”
I remember when I went to
their wedding. I knew Janiro well enough, but
it wasn’t until that party that I went from
liking him to truly honoring him for being the
godly husband that he is and for reminding me to
set a standard and wait on God to manifest it.
I wholeheartedly believe that Janiro knows God’s
purpose for a husband to be willing to make that
sacrifice to provide for his helpmate, but I
also believe that there is something about Mrs.
Hawkins that, like Jacob did for Rachel, makes
Janiro want to work for her. There’s
something about her that’s worth it.
My interceding partner and
I are doing a study right now on “asking,
seeking and knocking” when it comes to mate
selection. It really opened my eyes when God
led me to research what those words really mean,
mostly because they are not gender-sensitive.
So many women think that getting a husband
requires no effort/action on our part, but there
are so many references in the Bible when it did
(Esther and Ruth, for example). We ALL are
called to “ask, seek and knock”, but what really
hit me like a ton of bricks was when God took me
to the verse that so often we women use out of
context to justify why we need to sit around
whining, nagging, twiddling our thumbs and being
divas:
“He who finds a wife
finds a good thing and obtains favor from the
Lord.”---Proverbs 18:22 (NKJV)
The three words that trip
me out are “find”, “good” and “favor”. Actually
“wife” trips me out too, but I’ll get to that in
a second.
How many times have you
heard a girl say, “I ain’t gonna do nothin’.
It’s his job to FIND me”? Shoot, if you were
listening to me babble in the past on the issue,
I’m sure you heard me say it at least once---in
ignorance. Oh, but look at what the word
means:
FIND: to come upon by chance; meet with; to
locate, attain, or obtain by search or effort;
to locate or recover (something lost or
misplaced); to discover or perceive after
consideration; to succeed in reaching; arrive
at; to bring (oneself) to an awareness
of what one truly wishes to be and do in life;
come upon after searching; find the
location of something that was missed or lost;
make a discovery, make a new finding.
First of all, that means
there is more than one way to find someone,
right? Not necessarily will she be the girl
you’ve dated since high school; she may be the
woman you just met at work (chance). Not
necessarily will she be someone new; she may be
your ex (recover). Not necessarily will she be
the Coca-Cola bottle you’ve always had a
preference for; she may be “thicker” than that
(perceive after consideration). Not necessarily
will she be a love at first sight; she may be
the one who you realize sees/supports your
vision (awareness of what one truly wants).
In other words, don’t limit
when or even how your “good
thing” can come to you. Not knowing how to
“find” her could cause you to miss out (which is
why I provided the definitions).
That alone is revelatory
enough, but let’s go a little further.
According to Solomon’s
wisdom and God’s inspiration (2 Timothy 3:16), a
man who “finds” a wife, finds something “good”:
GOOD: morally excellent; virtuous; righteous;
pious; right; proper; fit; genuine; not
counterfeit; reliable; dependable; responsible;
kind, beneficent, or friendly; educated and
refined; (WOW) financially sound or safe; not
spoiled or tainted; free of distress or pain;
comfortable; close or intimate; warm; competent
or skillful; clever; socially proper; fertile;
rich; loyal; attractive; advantageous;
satisfactory for the purpose; remaining
available to one.
I don’t know about you
guys, but I look at a lot of marriages and I
wonder if this check list even crossed the
husband’s mind before getting married. I often
tell people that a single woman (who desires to
be married) greatest job is to make sure she is
a GOOD WIFE when she is “found”. But being that
I could be found “by chance” or “recovery” or
“after consideration” or (my personal favorite)
“after a man discovers what he truly wishes to
be in life” that means that I must ALWAYS be in
wife preparation. I need to be morally
excellent NOW. I need to be genuine (not
perfect, but real) NOW. I need to be
responsible NOW. I need to be educated NOW. I
need to be financially sound NOW. I need to be
unspoiled NOW. I need to be someone who is free
of distress NOW. I need to be warm NOW. But
what I love most about being “a good thing” is
that I am to be satisfactory for a man’s purpose
spiritually, professionally, relationally,
intimately and otherwise. And, because I never
really know how or when I will be found, I need
to remain single (whole, complete, alone) so
that when he comes, I am only available to only
one; him (hey, you can get mad if you want to,
but I’m just translating what the definition
says).
So let me stop there. My
motivation for even penning this in the first
place is because I have some “play brothers” who
are in a season where they are asking God for a
wife. Their desire is what motivated me to
write this. As I think of all, well most of
them, the thing that have in common is that they
are wonderful men with a weakness for women.
That alone can jack up one’s discernment
(because of course the Enemy would want to use
what’s supposed to bless you to curse you), but
after they shared some of their horror stories,
I wonder how many qualities of “good’ these gals
actually had (yes, I know they have some issues
too, ladies, but this is a letter to the fellas).
I could go down a whole list of “What were you
thinking?” responses I’ve had to their “Shellie,
can you believe she did/said such and such” but
more than anything, since Proverbs 18:22 says
that wives are to bring favor to a man, “play
brothers”, how is sleeping with you, phone
stalking you, chasing you by land, air and sea,
pimping you by making you their gigolos (i.e.,
buying you stuff all of the time) or stressing
out helping you accomplish what God called you
to do in this earth: FULFILL YOUR PURPOSE.
I’ll tell you what: As
someone who is doing her own “asking, seeking
and knocking”, if there’s one thing God keeps
bringing to my mind is that with obedience comes
revelation. Plainly put, some of this stuff has
only come to me since I have taken a full and
complete vow of abstinence; not just from sex
(although if I can do it, YOU ALL CAN DO IT),
but from premature intimacy as well---on any
level.
When God said that to obey
is better than to sacrifice (I Samuel 15:22), do
you know that he meant? If you are obedient to
doing things his way, you don’t have to
sacrifice your time, your energy, your emotions,
your talent, your purpose when it comes to
dealing with us women. Again, a wife is meant
to BRING FAVOR, NOT DEPLETE YOU and since we are
to have proper wife characteristics upon your
arrival, a good way to weave out the
counterfeits is by determining how much favor
they bring into your world now…right now…at this
very moment.
FAVOR: friendly or well-disposed regard;
goodwill; the state of being approved or held in
regard; excessive kindness or unfair partiality;
preferential treatment; to deal with, treat, or
use gently; on the side of; in support of; to
one's credit or advantage.
Even right now, as a single woman with male
friends, I ask God to have them see me from a
favorable position, which I will be honest with
you, until recently, I never really thought
about. Most certainly, because I now know that
I am “a good thing”, I’m aware that I’m not
called to be a helpmate to all, just one,
but I do believe that personal relationships,
when they are healthy, should set a standard.
If I am to have faith that God can do
exceedingly above all I could ask or think with
my own future companion (Ephesians 3:20), then I
have to show my FAITH by putting it to WORK now
(James 2:17). If I want my “play brothers” to
have a good woman and be able to
detect/discern/desire good fruit (Galatians
5:22-23), I have to be loving, joyful, PEACEFUL,
PATIENT, kind, good, FAITHFUL (to God and to
myself), GENTLE and exhibit SELF-CONTROL (in
word and deed) even in my casual relationships
so that they can know that when God says that he
can do above all that they can think of when it
comes to what they want in a woman, he can---and
will. Yes, if they do this wife search thing
his way, it’s possible. A good wife is not
idealistic, but realistic for those who live in
God’s kingdom and follow his rules:
“But, on the contrary,
as the Scripture says, What eye has not seen and
ear has not heard and has not entered into the
heart of man, [all that] God has prepared (made
and keeps ready) for those who love Him [who
hold Him in affectionate reverence, promptly
obeying Him and gratefully recognizing the
benefits He has bestowed].”---I Corinthians 2:9
(AMP)
Just yesterday, I was
telling my mom the moment I “fell in love” with
Dr. Phil. A prostitute was on Oprah’s show and
she was crying about how much she wanted to
stop. Dr. Phil’s response? “No you don’t. If
you wanted to stop, you would.”
Single fellas, it’s easy to
say you want a wife, a helpmate, a good
thing but if you can’t get a hold of your flesh,
if you’re still flirting around with
counterfeits, if you are not open to letting God
bring someone to complete his vision for your
life and not just appease your eyesight
(remember, God made sex so if you’re
obedient, you have nothing to worry about when
it comes to how she looks anyway), I have to go
with Dr. Phil on this one: NO YOU DON’T. IF
YOU DID, YOU WOULD ACT LIKE IT.
ASK, SEEK, KNOCK, my
kings. I have no doubt in my Heavenly Father
that you will be amazed with what you’ll FIND.
© Shellie R. Warren/2007
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