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"We The People" is Black Men In America.com's attempt at widening "the debate" on public policy issues, news and views that are of interest to you.  We'll discuss hot topics such as police brutality, the war on terrorism, the economy, education, racial profiling, social security, civil rights and more.

 

Click Here To Read Our Interview with Darryl James

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Therapy Over the Net
Neatly tucked away in Cyberspace streams an Internet radio show with a conscious and heart for people. Street Masters, hosted by Butch Jamieson , Lee Manley, Sherina Jamieson and powered by IM4RadioDC.com, conveys a very clear vision and purpose: helping people tackle addiction and the recovery process, through education.

On Saturday mornings, Butch and Lee broadcast live at 10:00 AM – 12:00 PM EST, from a quaint studio in Largo, MD. Lemon colored walls, covered from floor to ceiling with autographed photos, posters and album covers, gives the space an upbeat therapeutic ambiance. And when the clock strikes ten, Butch’s rich raspy vocals open the show and you feel like you’ve known him forever. Then his self-proclaimed side-kick, Lee, adds his smooth calculated vocals to the mix, and you know for a fact that you’ll be connected to the internet for the next two hours. The duo has mastered the art of balance – Butch brings the energy while Lee drives the train forward.

In addition to creating dialogue about addiction, Butch and Lee also use the show as a platform to address societal problems like fatherlessness, among others. Since both Butch and Lee are counselors, their experience and expertise channel topics in a direction that sparks discussion and reflection. And as a result, listeners from around the world call-in to the show to talk about their own personal problems and experiences.

Street Masters is leading a movement; one of hope, change, and new beginnings. Their motto: people helping people.

Vanessa Werts Graces "Street Masters" with Host Butch Jamieson

       

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Vanessa Werts
Freelance Writer

 

FINDING A WIFE: A Love Letter to My Single Brothas

Janiro Hawkins II doesn’t even know I’m about to shout him out like this, but I think men (especially black men) don’t receive enough praise so…Janiro, get over it!

Last month, I went to his birthday party and he shared with me that aside from the other million jobs that he has (a full-time, Platinum Bound, the SEAs, the magazine, etc.) that he was taking up another one at night.   

“What the heck, Janiro?” I said.  “When are you going to get any sleep?” 

“It’s just for six months or so,” he said in his casual, “Janiro-like”, matter-of-fact kind of way.  “My wife wants to go back to school.” 

When Janiro’s wife arrived, I didn’t have any shame.  I praised him in front of both of them.  “Girl, you have such a good man.  He’s such a good provider.” 

I remember when I went to their wedding.  I knew Janiro well enough, but it wasn’t until that party that I went from liking him to truly honoring him for being the godly husband that he is and for reminding me to set a standard and wait on God to manifest it.  I wholeheartedly believe that Janiro knows God’s purpose for a husband to be willing to make that sacrifice to provide for his helpmate, but I also believe that there is something about Mrs. Hawkins that, like Jacob did for Rachel, makes Janiro want to work for her.  There’s something about her that’s worth it. 

My interceding partner and I are doing a study right now on “asking, seeking and knocking” when it comes to mate selection.  It really opened my eyes when God led me to research what those words really mean, mostly because they are not gender-sensitive.  So many women think that getting a husband requires no effort/action on our part, but there are so many references in the Bible when it did (Esther and Ruth, for example).  We ALL are called to “ask, seek and knock”, but what really hit me like a ton of bricks was when God took me to the verse that so often we women use out of context to justify why we need to sit around whining, nagging, twiddling our thumbs and being divas: 

“He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord.”---Proverbs 18:22 (NKJV) 

The three words that trip me out are “find”, “good” and “favor”.  Actually “wife” trips me out too, but I’ll get to that in a second. 

How many times have you heard a girl say, “I ain’t gonna do nothin’.  It’s his job to FIND me”?  Shoot, if you were listening to me babble in the past on the issue, I’m sure you heard me say it at least once---in ignorance.  Oh, but look at what the word means: 

FIND: to come upon by chance; meet with; to locate, attain, or obtain by search or effort; to locate or recover (something lost or misplaced); to discover or perceive after consideration; to succeed in reaching; arrive at; to bring (oneself) to an awareness of what one truly wishes to be and do in life; come upon after searching; find the location of something that was missed or lost; make a discovery, make a new finding. 

First of all, that means there is more than one way to find someone, right?  Not necessarily will she be the girl you’ve dated since high school; she may be the woman you just met at work (chance).  Not necessarily will she be someone new; she may be your ex (recover).  Not necessarily will she be the Coca-Cola bottle you’ve always had a preference for; she may be “thicker” than that (perceive after consideration).  Not necessarily will she be a love at first sight; she may be the one who you realize sees/supports your vision (awareness of what one truly wants). 

In other words, don’t limit when or even how  your “good thing” can come to you.  Not knowing how to “find” her could cause you to miss out (which is why I provided the definitions). 

That alone is revelatory enough, but let’s go a little further. 

According to Solomon’s wisdom and God’s inspiration (2 Timothy 3:16), a man who “finds” a wife, finds something “good”: 

GOOD: morally excellent; virtuous; righteous; pious; right; proper; fit; genuine; not counterfeit; reliable; dependable; responsible; kind, beneficent, or friendly; educated and refined; (WOW) financially sound or safe; not spoiled or tainted; free of distress or pain; comfortable; close or intimate; warm; competent or skillful; clever; socially proper; fertile; rich; loyal; attractive; advantageous; satisfactory for the purpose; remaining available to one. 

I don’t know about you guys, but I look at a lot of marriages and I wonder if this check list even crossed the husband’s mind before getting married.  I often tell people that a single woman (who desires to be married) greatest job is to make sure she is a GOOD WIFE when she is “found”.  But being that I could be found “by chance” or “recovery” or “after consideration” or (my personal favorite) “after a man discovers what he truly wishes to be in life” that means that I must ALWAYS be in wife preparation.  I need to be morally excellent NOW.  I need to be genuine (not perfect, but real) NOW.  I need to be responsible NOW.  I need to be educated NOW.  I need to be financially sound NOW.  I need to be unspoiled NOW.  I need to be someone who is free of distress NOW.  I need to be warm NOW.  But what I love most about being “a good thing” is that I am to be satisfactory for a man’s purpose spiritually, professionally, relationally, intimately and otherwise.  And, because I never really know how or when I will be found, I need to remain single (whole, complete, alone) so that when he comes, I am only available to only one; him (hey, you can get mad if you want to, but I’m just translating what the definition says). 

So let me stop there.  My motivation for even penning this in the first place is because I have some “play brothers” who are in a season where they are asking God for a wife.  Their desire is what motivated me to write this.  As I think of all, well most of them, the thing that have in common is that they are wonderful men with a weakness for women.  That alone can jack up one’s discernment (because of course the Enemy would want to use what’s supposed to bless you to curse you), but after they shared some of their horror stories, I wonder how many qualities of “good’ these gals actually had (yes, I know they have some issues too, ladies, but this is a letter to the fellas).  I could go down a whole list of “What were you thinking?” responses I’ve had to their “Shellie, can you believe she did/said such and such” but more than anything, since Proverbs 18:22 says that wives are to bring favor to a man, “play brothers”, how is sleeping with you, phone stalking you, chasing you by land, air and sea, pimping you by making you their gigolos (i.e., buying you stuff all of the time) or stressing out helping you accomplish what God called you to do in this earth: FULFILL YOUR PURPOSE. 

I’ll tell you what: As someone who is doing her own “asking, seeking and knocking”, if there’s one thing God keeps bringing to my mind is that with obedience comes revelation.  Plainly put, some of this stuff has only come to me since I have taken a full and complete vow of abstinence; not just from sex (although if I can do it, YOU ALL CAN DO IT), but from premature intimacy as well---on any level. 

When God said that to obey is better than to sacrifice (I Samuel 15:22), do you know that he meant?  If you are obedient to doing things his way, you don’t have to sacrifice your time, your energy, your emotions, your talent, your purpose when it comes to dealing with us women.  Again, a wife is meant to BRING FAVOR, NOT DEPLETE YOU and since we are to have proper wife characteristics upon your arrival, a good way to weave out the counterfeits is by determining how much favor they bring into your world now…right now…at this very moment. 

FAVOR: friendly or well-disposed regard; goodwill; the state of being approved or held in regard; excessive kindness or unfair partiality; preferential treatment; to deal with, treat, or use gently; on the side of; in support of; to one's credit or advantage.  

Even right now, as a single woman with male friends, I ask God to have them see me from a favorable position, which I will be honest with you, until recently, I never really thought about.  Most certainly, because I now know that I am “a good thing”, I’m aware that I’m not called to be a helpmate to all, just one, but I do believe that personal relationships, when they are healthy, should set a standard.  If I am to have faith that God can do exceedingly above all I could ask or think with my own future companion (Ephesians 3:20), then I have to show my FAITH by putting it to WORK now (James 2:17).  If I want my “play brothers” to have a good woman and be able to detect/discern/desire good fruit (Galatians 5:22-23), I have to be loving, joyful, PEACEFUL, PATIENT, kind, good, FAITHFUL (to God and to myself), GENTLE and exhibit SELF-CONTROL (in word and deed) even in my casual relationships so that they can know that when God says that he can do above all that they can think of when it comes to what they want in a woman, he can---and will.  Yes, if they do this wife search thing his way, it’s possible.  A good wife is not idealistic, but realistic for those who live in God’s kingdom and follow his rules: 

“But, on the contrary, as the Scripture says, What eye has not seen and ear has not heard and has not entered into the heart of man, [all that] God has prepared (made and keeps ready) for those who love Him [who hold Him in affectionate reverence, promptly obeying Him and gratefully recognizing the benefits He has bestowed].”---I Corinthians 2:9 (AMP) 

Just yesterday, I was telling my mom the moment I “fell in love” with Dr. Phil.  A prostitute was on Oprah’s show and she was crying about how much she wanted to stop.  Dr. Phil’s response?  “No you don’t.  If you wanted to stop, you would.”

Single fellas, it’s easy to say you want a wife, a helpmate, a good thing but if you can’t get a hold of your flesh, if you’re still flirting around with counterfeits, if you are not open to letting God bring someone to complete his vision for your life and not just appease your eyesight (remember, God made sex so if you’re obedient, you have nothing to worry about when it comes to how she looks anyway), I have to go with Dr. Phil on this one: NO YOU DON’T.  IF YOU DID, YOU WOULD ACT LIKE IT. 

ASK, SEEK, KNOCK, my kings.  I have no doubt in my Heavenly Father that you will be amazed with what you’ll FIND. 

© Shellie R. Warren/2007

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So what do you think?  If you would like to respond to this article click here and sign our Guestbook to leave a public or private statement, comment or reaction. 

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Update:  BET Defends "Hot Ghetto Mess" TV Show  Click here for more. 

Click here to learn more about the show.

Jam Donaldson

Hot Ghetto Mess:  We Gotta Do Better

(The Jam Donaldson Interview) 

Gary Johnson sat down with Jam Donaldson, the Founder and Creator of the extremely popular (and controversial) web site Hot Ghetto Mess.com which is now a TV show scheduled to debut July 25, 2007, on Black Entertainment Television (BET).  If you haven’t been to the site, you need to thoroughly check it out before you form your opinion.  A tour of Hot Ghetto Mess reaffirms that "mess" comes in all shapes, sizes and colors.  The web site is a shocking and honest look at an aspect of our community.  This web site has generated a lot of discussion and the owner has been slammed hard for "airing our laundry" before the world.  The site is as sad as it is funny to some.  Should the owner of the web site be blamed?  Read our interview with Jam Donaldson and draw your own conclusions.

  

The Jam Donaldson Interview

BMIA.com:  Hello Jam.  Finally, I get to meet you in person.  How are you? 

Jam:  I am great.  Glad to meet you too. 

BMIA.com:  Tell me about yourself. 

Jam:  I’m a native Washingtonian.  I went to D.C. public schools.  I graduated from Georgetown University Law Center (J.D),  Howard University (undergraduate) and earned my Masters Degree in Film and Video from American University.  One of my initial goals was to get into television so I worked in the TV industry for a while and then went to law school at Georgetown. 

BMIA.com:  How would you describe the Hot Ghetto Mess (HGM.com) web site and give me a history of how the site started? 

Jam:  Describing HGM.com has been the biggest challenges for me.  It’s been over a year and I still don’t have a “boiler plate” answer for describing the site.  I can’t even put into words what the site is about.  I would categorize the site as “social commentary.”  It’s a site offering social commentary on what I see as some of the problems and challenges in the black community and it uses sort of a “shame tactic” in trying to expose some of these things. 

The site started when I started to receive pictures from friends of these wild weddings and black people doing all kinds of things.  The web site’s original name was “Nigga Mess.”  People were very sensitive to that word, so I changed the name. 

BMIA.com:  I’m sure that you know there a lot of people, and I mean black people, who don’t like the site.  What’s your response to that? 

Jam:  It is what it is.  I didn’t make it up.  It’s there.  The site features images of every day people, perhaps, not looking their best, perhaps not representing or carrying themselves in the best way.  The site also features lyrics and commentary on the detrimental spending habits of black people.  The site is more than just pictures.  It also has a section called “Not Ghetto Mess.” 

BMIA.com:  How do you respond to those folks who say that you are perpetuating negative stereotypes of black people? 

Jam:  Look, some people need to re-examine their life.  That’s the only solution I have right now.  I am not Cornell West.  I’m not a scholar on the race theory.  My feedback to some of the women out there would be for them to think long and hard about having 3 kids by 3 different men.  Maybe that’s not a good idea.  Look at some of these high school proms.  To think that some parent, schools and administrators allow these girls, I mean girls; to dress like that is crazy.  I saw a girl with a skirt and two pasties. 

BMIA.com:  What? 

Jam:  Close your mouth Gary, I’ll show you the picture if you don’t believe me.  Our problems are so multi-layered and complex.  The mothers and fathers are too young and the sexual images that we see are inundating.  I don’t think I have to perpetuate stereotypes.  People act like I’m introducing mainstream society to this segment of our society.  White people can see. 

BMIA.com:  Jam, I think it’s easier for some people to blame you and the web site than to take a critical look at themselves.  If folks took a hard look at themselves they might have to take some action.  That’s paralyzing for some folks. 

Jam:  I think it’s much more dangerous to see images without context.  When you look at BET all day, you see all of these videos with negative images in front of these children.  And in some cases, Mama is watching the videos and teaching the kids how to dance too.  Many of these kids don’t understand the images.  They don’t know:

• Is this how you’re suppose to act?
• Is this what I should aspire to be?
• Is this what represents a woman?
• Is this what represents manhood?

Hot Ghetto Mess tells you—THIS IS BAD!  This is not good.  Don’t do that.  Don’t buy $5000.00 rims for your car. 

BMIA.com:  Yeah, you’re right.  So you do try and have some balance? 

Jam:  Yes.  We feature people who are doing positive things and as the site evolves it will have an even greater balance to counter this apparent obsession that some of us have with being ghetto. 

BMIA.com:  You already have a section called “White Ghetto Mess.”  How do you define ghetto? 

Jam:  “Ghetto” is not a physical place anymore.  Ghetto is how you live your life, how you think, how you represent yourself and what you teach your kids.  By my definition, anybody can be ghetto.  If I got more Hispanic pics, I would put them up there.  I just don’t get the pictures. 

BMIA.com:  Would you say that Hot Ghetto Mess is successful? 

Jam:  Yes and no!  As a web site it’s successful, as a business enterprise, it’s not there yet.  As a web site we got over 60 million hits last year.  We average about 9 thousand hits a day.  The site is about to get a face-lift and an entirely new look.  The site is looking like a “hot ghetto mess” right now. (Laughing).  Seriously, I am trying to get the site to be a revenue generating enterprise.  Now we do have a Hot Ghetto Mess DVD that has been very successful. 

BMIA.com:  What is it about the DVD that makes it successful? 

Jam:  Well, the DVD is actually an important project in that it has statistical data, social commentary, “man on the street” segments that show how little we know about this country and ourselves.  I’ll give you a copy and you can check it out for yourself.  I think after viewing the video people will come away learning a lot. 

BMIA.com:  What kind of feedback do you get about the site? 

Jam:  I would say that about 90% of the site is positive. 

BMIA.com:  Really?  The percentage is that high? 

Jam:  Yes.  People really are getting it.  People say, “I’m so happy somebody had the guts to do this.” 

BMIA.com:  You said people are “getting it.”  What do you want them to “get” after viewing your web site? 

Jam:  The slogan of the site is “We Got To Do Better.”  I want people to review the site and leave the site with a commitment to conduct a self-examination.  I want people to ask themselves: 

• How am I living my life?
• What am I doing to make my community better?
• What am I doing when I walk down the street to represent the black community in the best possible light?

That’s all.  The solution to our problems lies in self-awareness and each person taking some accountability for their community.  The days of the benevolent white man are over.  We’re going to have to take control of our own communities. 

BMIA.com:  What I see you doing is using your sphere of influence to make a difference in your community.  I would guess that you’ve started somewhat of an international dialogue on this issue with the help of the World Wide Web. 

Jam:  I get e-mails from Germany, London and all over the world.  I think the web site is a tool.  That’s my contribution.  I want to make it better. 

BMIA.com:  Black Men In America.com is 100% black owned and managed.  Is Hot Ghetto Mess black owned? 

Jam:  Yes. 

BMIA.com:  There are probably a billion web sites on line.  Your site is ranked by in the Top 100,000.  That’s quite an accomplishment.  Tell me this; what is a “Thinkertainer?” 

Jam:  A Thinkertainer is someone who can get people to think while they’re laughing.  A character on the Russ Parr syndicated radio show inspired the concept. 

BMIA.com:  What’s a typical day like for you? 

Jam:  I just finished law school, so I used to spend 10 hours a day studying for the bar.  I start a full time gig providing legal services to the poor.  Some people challenge me and ask me:  “What are you doing to help people?”  I turned down a lot of money to work in legal services.  I care about people.  I’m trying to do my best. 

BMIA.com:  What’s the best thing about being Jam Donaldson? 

Jam:  The best thing right now is that I have reached an age where I see the world as one big opportunity.  I finally reached the state where I believe that anything that I want to do is within my reach.  Right now is such a good time for me.  I don’t have kids.  I’m not married.  I have the freedom to live out my dreams.  Opportunities are out there.  My Dad died last year and that has been a major factor in my zest for life.  Life is short and you have to live it.  You have to maximize your time in this life.  Parents should take their kids to the museums and spend time with them.  Washington, DC is a majority black city.  When you go downtown to the Mall, or to the different theaters and museums, you don’t see a lot of black folks taking advantage of the cultural events and opportunities.  And these events are FREE!  So many of our obstacles are self-imposed.  We do have control.  You don’t have to be stuck in such a narrow mindset that limits us. 

BMIA.com:  Any final comments? 

Jam:  Yeah.  I think that we all bear responsibility for the trouble in our community.  The middle classes have moved up and out and never seemed to look back to reach out and help those they left behind.  There was a time when we all lived together--doctors and lawyers and plumbers, construction workers, teachers, the unemployed and the winos ALL lived in the same neighborhood--so you always had someone to look up to and to set a standard, to strive to be like.  But with the exodus of the middle class and educated Blacks--there is a huge void of role models in the inner cities.  So we are left with young people who have no fathers and their only role models are on BET and the basketball court.  So the folks out here who are doing well also bear responsibility in that too many of us have never thought to give back or even look back for that matter. 

BMIA.com:  Well stated.  Thank you Jam. 

Jam:  My pleasure. 

Folks, if you haven’t checked out the Hot Ghetto Mess web site, it is worth a look.  I wanted to interview Jam Donaldson to give her an opportunity to explain or clarify what the site is about.  It is clear to this writer that Jam Donaldson wants us to do better as a community.  She doesn’t care if you get angry, shocked or mad.  Jam is trying to facilitate a dialogue and force us to have those critical conversations that will result in a call to action.  She is not making this stuff up.  It is out there. 

If you see something on the site that you don’t like, then figure out what you can do to make things better.  She is very open to feed back because she believes that we can do better. 

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So what do you think about Hot Ghetto Mess being turned into a TV show?  What do you think about the Hot Ghetto Mess web site?  If you would like to voice your opinion click here and sign our Guestbook to leave a public or private statement, comment or reaction. 

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Click here to visit Hot Ghetto Mess

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The Bridge:  Who’s Your Daddy?

(Part 1 of 5)

By Darryl James 

          I like writing this column and doing lectures, because my positions are based on research, which is typically divergent from the positions of people who project the worst things about Black people, particularly Black men.

          For example, when it comes to single parents, the only discussion many people want to entertain is one of Black men’s absence and/or abdication of responsibility.  Even if we have that discussion, the problem can not be fully addressed unless we examine all aspects of the situation.

          I believe it is safe to say, and that most will agree with the simple fact that there are more children being born outside of marriages.  There are also fewer marriages to begin with.

          Over the past thirty-five years, marriage has declined and the number of so-called illegitimate children have increased.  Okay? Okay.

          Accordingly, many of us will acknowledge that there are fewer fathers in the lives of the children being born outside of marriages.  And, we will probably agree that the diminishing number of fathers in the lives of children has contributed to a number of social problems, including teen crime, drug-related behaviors and child abuse.

          But, sadly, what we probably won’t agree upon is the root cause of childbirth outside of marriage, or even to whom the children are being born.

In 1965, seven percent of the nation’s children were born to single parents.  Currently the number is 33 percent.

There are three main factors that have contributed to that increase, including a decrease in the number of women who wait for marriage to have children; a decline in the birth rate of married women and an increase in the birth rate of unmarried women.

          Now, first and foremost allow me to underscore the fact that this is not a Black phenomenon.  This is something that is occurring in America and it affects everyone.

          Having said that, if we know that the problem is that there are more unmarried women having children, why can’t more of the solutions focus on encouraging more women who are unmarried to avoid unwanted pregnancies?

          There are a plethora of choices, including myriad forms of birth control, abstinence, and whether you agree or disagree, abortion is also an option.

          The point is that it is counterproductive and silly to only discuss absentee and deadbeat fathers, without also discussing the role and responsibility of the person who has the most control.

          Examine the court system where child support is concerned and the focus is on assuring that fathers pay or are jailed, but very little focus is given to whether the woman who had the child is prepared and capable of supporting her offspring financially, emotionally or otherwise.  Shall we force her to demonstrate financial responsibility or be jailed?

          And the question that no one wants to ask is this:  If neither the mother nor the father were financially prepared, why weren’t steps taken to prevent the pregnancy?  I’ll follow up on this shortly.

          The question of how to reduce out of wedlock births can not be boiled down to laying the blame at the feet of Black men. In addition to the dual responsibility for both parents, there is also societal responsibility.

          For example, while television (both cable and network) has delivered more sexual content, our schools have delivered less sexual education.

          And, the village that may have raised previous generations of children from single parent homes has splintered.

          Today’s single mothers are more than likely the children of single mothers themselves, who may have provided little sex education and/or preparation for sex and pregnancy.

          A blip on the radar screen was the slight decline of single parent births in the Black community in the late 1990’s.

But percentage-wise, things still don’t look very good.

          Before presenting the numbers, it is crucial to underscore the fact that while African Americans have a more dismal picture in terms of sheer percentages of populations, all Americans are dealing with the issue.  In fact, Blacks don’t actually have the highest actual number of out of wedlock children.

          In terms of percentages, non-Hispanic Blacks have a total of 69.4 per cent of births out of wedlock, Hispanics have 40.92, whites have 21.54 and Asian/Pacific islanders have 15.64 percent.

          But when you look at the actual numbers, the highest percentage of the total number of out of wedlock births is held by whites with 41 percent.  Blacks hold 32 percent of that number and Hispanics hold 23 percent.

          In fact, if you take a look at the trend of out of wedlock births from 1980 until the end of the last century, you’ll find that the spike was more due to white illegitimate births.  During that time period, annual Black non-marital births increased by roughly 100,000, while the same group in the white community increased twofold, rising from 328,984 to 793,202.

          My point?  When many Americans, including Black Americans talk about out of wedlock childbirth, invariably the picture of a Black mother is conjured up, yet, the reality is contrary.

          Now, earlier I asked why people would have children if they know that both the mother and the father are ill prepared.  I posed that question because when it comes to out of wedlock births, the majority is not happening to teen mothers who may know very little about how life works.

          Out of wedlock childbirth is not synonymous with teen pregnancy. The portion of unwed mothers under the age of 18 is only 13.17 percent of the total.  The primary age group affected is 18 to 25, and actually, there are more out of wedlock births to women over the age of thirty than under the age of 18.

          While the concept of the irresponsible father is widely touted, single mothers are not innocent victims of some man who, quoting Bill Cosby, is a “sperm-shooting machine,” who wantonly impregnates women and “walks away from something called fatherhood.”

          Nearly 40 percent of childbirth out of wedlock involves a woman who is living with a man.

          And, many of the births outside of marriage aren’t necessarily unplanned.

          Nearly half of those pregnancies are intentional, with 34 percent occurring earlier than the mother planned and only 14 percent resulting from unwanted pregnancies.

          In fact, the decline in marriage among young adult women has come hand in hand with a sharp increase in sexual activity outside of marriage. Among non-married women from the age of 20 to 35, some 79 percent report being sexually active with 15 percent of that activity occurring without birth control.

          Finally, roughly half of all out of wedlock births are second or third births for the mother.

          What does this all mean?

          It means a few things.

          First, America must alter its view of out of wedlock childbirth and accordingly, its view of where the blame should lie.  Two people have sex and a child is born—both must be held equally responsible and liable, financially and otherwise.

          Secondly, society itself must take responsibility and according action to provide more sex education to the masses.

And, if the focus is given to assuring that more unmarried mothers and fathers understand the importance of having fathers in the lives of children, then perhaps the resulting work can be focused on decreasing the number of children born without stable relationships with their fathers.

          It also means that the consequences of raising children without fathers must be examined clearly with pragmatic resolution as the goal.

Darryl James is an award-winning author who is now a filmmaker.  His first mini-movie, “Crack,” was released in March of this year.  James’ latest book, “Bridging The Black Gender Gap,” is the basis of his lectures and seminars. Previous installments of this column can now be viewed at www.bridgecolumn.com. James can be reached at djames@theblackgendergap.com.

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THE BRIDGE: Who’s Your Daddy, Part 2 of 5

The Consequences of Absentee Fathers.

By Darryl James

      *Yesterday’s single-mother household had support from the village consisting of their own fathers, uncles, brothers and other family members. 

      Today, more single mothers are disconnected from extended family members and typically from their own fathers, which means that if the fathers of their children are not on the scene, there more than likely will be no male figure in the children’s lives. 

      There are very few cases of men simply fathering children and willfully shirking parental obligations. 

      Studies show that even among men who use fatherhood to “express their manhood,” there is a desire to remain involved in the lives of the resulting offspring. 

      Yet, the overwhelming concept of the Absentee Father is of a man who “donates his DNA,” and abandons the child along with all responsibilities. 

      The notion of Black fathers abandoning their children is typically the stereotype that many Americans are comfortable with.  And this comfort generally comes without any attention to research. 

      For example, how many people with that comfort would remain comfortable with the fact that there are actually a growing number of single parent households headed by Black fathers? 

      However, the fact remains that the overwhelming majority of children in single parent households are being raised by mothers, frequently in the absence of a father or father figure. 

      There are a number of reasons why fathers are absent from their children’s lives, even though the one that garners the most focus is the man being a proverbial “Deadbeat Dad,” the father who willfully neglects to pay his financial obligations.  

      Some fathers may be absent because they were unprepared for fatherhood and are often unwilling, but have little say once the woman is pregnant.  Some fathers may be absent because the mother may not actually know who impregnated her, and other fathers may be absent because their assigned financial responsibility is far above their financial capability. 

      While society seeks to imprison men who fail to pay child support, few focus on the fact that 70% of fathers who are in arrears on child support earn $10,000 a year or less. 

      In short, the majority of men who are being prosecuted for failure to pay often can not pay. 

      And, even if there are attempts to be involved, including sharing the care of the child, purchasing groceries, diapers or other necessities, those attempts are discounted if the assigned financial responsibilities are unmet. 

      The net result when a father is unable to pay, is that he will probably disappear from the child’s life, after either running from the financial burden that he can not carry, or after being jailed for being unable to shoulder the financial burden. 

      These are the two most prominent results when Daddy can not pay, and while a great portion of society is comfortable with these results, there are some dire consequences of not having fathers in the lives of children. 

      There are a handful of pieces written about the consequences of absentee fathers, but generally the focus is on the male child.  However, there are some very serious issues faced by fatherless females today, which stem from low self-esteem and very poor socialization with positive male role models in their lives as young girls.  

      These issues include fleeting and unstable love relationships with men, early experimentation with sex, increased out of wedlock childbirth and lower self-esteem.  These issues must be addressed. 

     Increased absentee fathers result in increased poverty for the children. Fifty-one percent of the children raised by unmarried mothers are raised in poverty, while only seven percent of children in a marriage are poor.  Even marriage after the child is born decreases poverty for the child by more than half. 

       That poverty, which typically includes Welfare dependence, has that dependence sustained through the child’s minority years in 50% of the cases, while children in married households are only on Welfare 3% of the time until adulthood. Again, marriage after the child is born decreases Welfare dependence by more than half, while divorce will only increase Welfare dependence to 13%. 

      Children raised in single parent homes are more likely to have retarded cognitive development, lower educational achievement, increased behavioral problems, lower impulse control and increased emotional disturbances.  Those children are also more likely to engage in criminal activity. 

      A summary from the National Institute of Child Health and Development found that inner city Black male children in households at or below poverty with little or no fatherhood involvement had lower mental development and decreased cognitive development.  They also were more prone to difficulties with self control, impulse control and Attention Deficit Disorder. 

      Project TALENT, a federal survey, found that children born outside of marriage were more likely to become unwed parents themselves. 

      Those children have a higher likelihood of becoming single parents because they are experiencing earlier sexual activity and few, if any models of parenting partnerships and/or marriage.  They are also more likely to end up on Welfare as single parents. 

      According to The National Health Interview Survey of Child Health, children of unwed parents have greater behavioral and emotional problems than children of married parents. 

      A 1988 study by the University of Illinois showed that a boy’s educational achievements are diminished the longer he spends in a single parent home. 

      In 1988, a study of eleven thousand people showed a dramatic association between rates of violent crime and children from single parent households between the ages of 12 and 20. The study underscored the fact that neither poverty alone, nor race alone can be associated with high crime rates. 

      And, data from the National Longitudinal Survey of Youth, reveals that young Black men raised in homes lead by a single mother are twice as likely to engage in criminal activities as those from two parent homes. 

      Society at large and the Black community in specific would do well to understand the importance of the father’s role in child rearing, focusing on more important aspects such as time spent on a regular basis than simple assignment of financial responsibility. 

       Even if all the fathers pay, who will be there to provide male role models for the children? 

       Am I making excuses for Absentee Fathers? 

      Not hardly. 

      What I am doing is underscoring the very real fact that focusing on financial child support has done little to increase the quality of life for the throngs of young boys and girls who are growing up without male influence. 

      More men have been jailed for child support, but that has not resulted in more men in the lives of those children or even more non-welfare support for the children, which means, quite frankly, that the Child Support Industry has failed. 

      Absentee fathers are not the only deadbeats.

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The Bridge: Who’s Your Daddy, Part 3 of 5

Who’s A Deadbeat? 

By Darryl James 

          Some phrases fall too quickly off of the lips of the masses.

          Take “Deadbeat Dad,” for example.

          How many of us even bother to think about other people who could be found “Deadbeat,” aside from fathers?

For example, our very own society is a Deadbeat.

          First, because the overwhelming majority of children in single parent homes are born to parents who are already living in poverty, society’s “remedies” often do more harm than good, with the net result of fewer fathers in the lives of children.

Those “remedies” pursue the assigned father to reimburse the state for benefits provided to the mother, sending some men to jail for their inability to pay, and forcing others out of the workforce, by taking away their driving privileges, leaving many of them to choose to quit their job or leave the state when they can not pay.

          But if we pay taxes into a pool to be called on in times of need, then the overseers of those tax dollars would do greater good for society by assuring that custody agreements are being complied with and that the goal of more fathers in the lives of children be paramount.

          But there are no state programs to enforce custody and no incentives for being present in the lives of children, only penalties for failure or inability to pay.

          This makes society a “Deadbeat Society,” because millions of children are left without fathers in their lives while the focus is on making them pay, ostensibly so that society does not have to.

          There are laws to assign a father the financial responsibility, laws to access his bank account to take the money and laws to penalize him further by taking away his driver’s license or imprisoning him.

          Yet, there are no laws to address the very real phenomena of the “Deadbeat Mom,” a mother who has a child without having the financial wherewithal to support the child, even in tandem with child support, if collected.

          Society will continue to diminish itself if all single mothers are looked upon as mere victims who have been abandoned by the male parent, or as strong, heroic women who stoically shoulder the parental burden alone, instead of viewing a portion of them in realistic terms as Deadbeat Moms who give little forethought to parenthood, viewing men as sexual partners and/or ATM machines.

            But that isn’t a discussion that many people want to have.

            If a woman knowingly has unprotected sex and a full term birth with a partner who was underemployed or unemployed to start with, why shouldn’t she be taken to task for bringing a child into the world without properly preparing for that child with emotional and financial support?

            That has been the focus when it comes to fathers who have failed to prepare emotionally and financially for their children.

            Even Michael Jackson understood that in the ‘eighties when he admonished in Wanna Be Startin’ Something: “If you can’t feed your baby, then don’t have a baby.”

          If we’re going to address men who don’t pay and don’t show up, we should also address the lifestyles and habits of the women who should be equally prepared and responsible.

          For example, we should examine the rate of unpaid child support among non-custodial mothers.

          According to the United States Census Bureau, non-custodial mothers failed to make child support payments 37% of the time, compared to 24% of the time for men.

          And, while 70% of non-custodial fathers paid their child support obligations, only 57% of non-custodial mothers paid their assigned financial obligations.

          Many of these are “Deadbeat Moms.”

            Let’s talk about who the so-called “Deadbeat Dads” are. There is no one simple catch-all description.

            In some cases, men who father children abdicate all aspects of their responsibility.

            In other cases, men pay the amount of child support proscribed by law and never participate in the lives of those children.

            The men in both categories are Deadbeat Dads.

            But, some men are paying child support and making every human effort to participate in their children’s lives, but are actually being prevented from seeing their children. Yet, they, too, are labeled “Deadbeat Dads.”

            In still other cases, some men care for their children daily, participating in the rearing of their offspring and are just unable to pay the legally mandated child support. Some are doing it well and some are even doing it without the mothers, but they get lumped into the Deadbeat Dad category as well.

            However, it may surprise some of us who care that according to the Federal Office of Child Support Enforcement, 70% of fathers who are in arrears on child support earn $10,000 a year or less. Fathers who earn above $40,000 a year account for less than 4% of the arrears.

            And, also for those who care, many of those fathers still make contributions to their children’s lives, in the form of groceries, toys, diapers and baby furniture.  Many non-custodial fathers actually share in the daily care of the child, which is perhaps more crucial than being assigned child support that may financially overwhelm them.

            The problem is that once child support is assigned to men earning very little salary, absenteeism increases.

            There is no accounting for a father’s contributions to the child if he is not paying the assigned child support.

            The question may be posed: “Why not pay child support instead of making purchases?”  And the answer is simple:  Primarily, the purchases may be less than the assigned child support and according to surveys, many fathers feel connected to their children when they are able to show up with items they have paid for.

            Again, these purchases as well as any time spent with the child are completely discounted if the assigned child support is not paid.

            The point is not to exonerate Deadbeat Fathers, but to examine all sides, because for far too long, society has pointed the finger of responsibility solely at men, leading to many of them being imprisoned and many of them otherwise falling out of society.  Yet, at the end of the day, there are still children growing up without fathers and there are still single mothers on Welfare.

          If we focus on getting more fathers involved in the lives of their children, as opposed to viewing them as cash machines, we will end up with more positive male role models in the lives of the women and children who need them.

          At that point, there will be fewer instances of people asking “Who’s Your Daddy?”

          Sadly, there is overwhelming focus on making men pay, as opposed to making sure that more fathers are present in the lives of children.

Next Week:  Making Him Pay Vs. Making Him Present. 

Darryl James is an award-winning author who is now a filmmaker.  His first mini-movie, “Crack,” was released in March of 2006. He is currently filming a full-length documentary.  James’ latest book, “Bridging The Black Gender Gap,” is the basis of his lectures and seminars. Previous installments of this column can now be viewed at www.bridgecolumn.com. James can be reached at djames@theblackgendergap.com.

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The Bridge:  Who’s Your Daddy, Part 4 of 5

Making Him Pay vs. Making Him Present  

By Darryl James 

          In this nation, violent crimes typically work their way through the underclass, who are both the majority of victims and perpetrators.

          Over the past forty years, more and more youth who are born into underclass families tumble further away from upward mobility.  These fallen youth have little motivation to become productive members of society, leaning more toward gangs, violent crime and drugs than education and participation in the workforce.

          In study after study, this trend has been linked directly to the decline in the number of fathers present in the lives of underclass children.

          When fathers are in the home, boys are taught self control, which is crucial in their teen years. Without limits set by a stable male figure, many young boys have difficulty determining where the world begins and where they end.

          And, having fathers around provides healthy role models for boys who are able to imagine what their future lives can be like based upon a stable adult male figure. A young man is able to make the transition to husband, father and productive member of society when an example is in his life.

          Without such examples, negative role models become the standard bearers, including gang members, pimps, thugs and other scourges from the bottom of society.

          What does this mean?

          Simple: Even if a man can not pay child support, his presence in the lives of his children is better for society overall.

            At some point we must ask ourselves why the child support system focuses on the idea that a father’s best contribution is financial.  Very little effort is spent toward assuring that children have emotional and/or physical connections to fathers whether they are paying child support or not.

Sadly, the goal for most existing laws and efforts are simply to “make him pay,” including laws suspending driver’s licenses and providing access to bank accounts.  But making him pay does very little for making him present.  In fact, focusing on making him pay may actually assure that he won’t be present.

Focusing on making him pay has failed.

Ten years ago, $31 billion was in arrears on child support, according to the federal government.  By 2003, that number had soared to $96 billion, along with the number of fathers in jail and/or out of the workforce.

Further evidence that the “make him pay” focus has failed was found by the Urban Institute, a Washington think tank.  According to the Urban Institute, current measures designed to coerce fathers to pay child support has played a “crucial role” in forcing low-income Black men from 25 to 34 out of the workforce altogether.

          The end result of aggressive child support collection is often the flight of fathers from financial burden that may be overwhelming and/or insurmountable.

The system is so anxious to make him pay, that it often holds men financially responsible without their knowledge and without them actually being fathers.

A bill named for Senator Bill Bradley (D-New Jersey), dictates that once a man is assigned financial responsibility, he can not even go to court to have it reduced or erased.

The amendment keeps fathers up under child support even if it is determined that they are not the biological parent.  This is really disturbing, when according to a report in the Los Angeles Times, roughly 70% of fathers are not in court when paternity is established and their monthly obligations are determined.

          Fathers who are not present may not even know that they owe child support, and worse, according to that same LA Times report, “on average, more than 350 men every month are incorrectly named as fathers.”

          Going back to the Bradley Amendment, those fathers are still held under retroactive child support orders, even after being determined not to be fathers.

          There are no legal measures to seek the actual father, or to garner the physical presence of either the biological father, or the father who is being forced to pay child support.

And, in many cases, the mother has no idea who the father is.  This situation has lead to alarming “solutions” within the law.  In some states, financial responsibility is assigned to men who just happen to be around when the woman gets pregnant, whether it is his biological child or not.

          The best example of this case is when a couple is married, but the wife has sex with someone other than the husband and produces a child.  Even after the couple divorces and even if DNA tests prove that someone else is the father, the ex-husband can still be assigned fatherhood and child support. And, in most cases, judges will refuse to end established child support, claiming that responsibility must remain with the only father the child has ever known.

          We know that there are plentiful measures designed to make him pay, but where are the measures designed to make him present?

          Sadly, there are few.

          This is not only in reference to measures which would urge fathers to be present in the lives of their children, but also measures designed to enforce custody rights of non-custodial fathers.

          Government provides custodial parents with free assistance in locating the so-called “Deadbeat Dad,” but no state will assist a non-custodial father with locating a mother who has skipped town with the child.

          Can society assure that more fathers will be present in the lives of children?

          Yes.  But that will require that we change our minds about the propaganda disseminated about the so-called “Deadbeat Dad.”  Even though I have proven that the system allows fraudulent assignment of child support, and that very few men actually want to walk away from their children, some people will continue to babble on with their negative views of single fathers-based on rumors and innuendo, not fact.

Securing more fathers in the lives of children will also require that society’s focus actually be placed on making fathers present as opposed to making them pay.  Even though it has been proven that making him pay has failed, society dredges on with the prosecution of impoverished fathers for debts which continue to go uncollected.

And, finally, if we wish to see more fathers in the lives of children, we must stop the Welfare System from supplanting the father as breadwinner of the family, which I’ll deal with next week.

In some ways, society is waking up to the fact that making him pay has not made him present and that the system needs to be changed.

The times, they are a’ changin’.  Proof comes from mothers who not only care about their children, but about the relationships those children have with their fathers.

For example, Jacqueline Kennedy, an unwed mother from Los Angeles, told the Los Angeles Times that she prefers personal involvement to child support from her child’s father.

"He calls. He sends cards. He’s an excellent father," said Kennedy, who supports her family with her job as a child-care worker. "You don’t have to be together to raise a child. Women need to get off Aid to Families With Dependent Children and stop thinking about fathers paying child support. What makes a good father is whether he gets involved.”

Children have needs.

Fathers should pay when they can.  So should mothers. So should society.

Fathers can’t carry children in a womb, but once a child is in the world, fathers can provide nurturing and support to children in a way that is as necessary as the nurturing and support a mother provides.

That is more about being around than being a cash machine.

Next Week, the final installment:  When Welfare Replaces Daddy. 

Darryl James is an award-winning author of three books who is now a filmmaker.  His first mini-movie, “Crack,” was released in March of 2006. He is currently filming a full-length documentary.  James’ latest book, “Bridging The Black Gender Gap,” is the basis of his lectures and seminars. Previous installments of this column can now be viewed at www.bridgecolumn.com. James can be reached at djames@theblackgendergap.com.

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The Bridge:  Who’s Your Daddy, Part 5 of 5

When Welfare Replaces Daddy 

By Darryl James 

If we are truly concerned about the future of our children, then we would focus on the benefits, not the costs of amending the Welfare system, because as study after study has shown, our children are doing worse with fewer fathers in the home.

An early study from the Journal of Genetic Psychology found that the differences in development between children were connected more to the amount of interaction with the father as opposed to the socio-economic status of either parent or even the number of adults in the household.

Current studies prove that children without fathers in the home are more prone to an assortment of difficulties.

Yet, society focuses on jailing fathers who do not pay, which has not proven to make them pay or make them show up.

The problem is not that fathers just want to have children and walk away, as we have been told.  The problem is that Welfare, in many ways, supplants the father, and in other ways, the courts simply ignore or impede fathers who desire to be present.

Earlier in this series, I highlighted that nearly 40 percent of unwed mothers are living with a man and are already mothers to one or more additional children., but the “income-tested” Welfare System creates blockages to marriage.

Governmental assistance programs often root out males who may be dating single mothers prior to deciding to marry and attempt to assign financial responsibility to them, often resulting in a breakup. 

For example, if a mother who is living with her boyfriend applies for benefits as a single head of household, she will have support from the system, while her mate ostensibly will have his own income, even if it’s minimum wage. 

But if the two do decide to marry, the system will immediately count the man’s income against the woman’s Welfare eligibility, reducing or ending her benefits.

What this means, as dramatized in the ‘seventies movie Claudine, is that benefits are maximized when a single mother remains single, and slashed if she marries. The two incomes represented by the man’s income and Welfare benefits, are reduced to solely the man’s income—a huge burden delivered with no preparation.

In this manner, the Welfare System forces impoverished couples to choose to remain unmarried over combining incomes in a marriage.  While the popular concept of single Black mothers is of Welfare Queens, that concept is neither based on truth or intelligence.  Welfare benefits are scarcely enough for a family to survive on and most of the Welfare fraud is actually committed by white women.

Welfare case workers will even deduct gifts from a man from the amount of monthly assistance provided to the single mother.

          What must be stated and underscored is that these solutions are designed to create financial responsibility, not to place fathers in the lives of children.

And, in reality, there is no huge single parent Welfare drain on the economy.  Total Welfare program costs in the United States are just over $400 billion per year, which is only FIVE PER CENT of the Gross Domestic Product.  And only half of this goes to households with children.

But, even as our retarded president seeks more billions for a failing war effort overseas, many stupid ass Americans fly into a rage over the possibility of Welfare’s five percent of the GDP growing to a whopping six percent.

The total arrearages in child support is just under $100 billion dollars, while the cost of the Iraq War will be over $1 trillion by the time things are all said and done.

If we acknowledge the fact that 70 percent of men in arrears earn less than $10,000 annually, then forcing a single woman off of Welfare benefits if she marries, tacitly creates fewer marriages and more single parent households. It also makes for less fathers in the lives of children, when the man is pursued for repayment of Welfare benefits.

          Can the Welfare and Child Support System be revamped to make more fathers present in the lives of more children?

The easy answer is yes.

First, since the focus on making him pay has failed (arrears have actually risen despite arrests), more efforts to make him present should be pursued, which will benefit everyone.

Instead of continuing to penalize parents, society would fare better to actually reward couples who marry and combine incomes while improving their standing.

For example, instead of slashing Welfare benefits when a man is in the home, the system would be pragmatic to provide assistance for education or the acquisition of trades, in addition to time-limited extension of daycare support and transportation costs for both parents.

The net result will be fewer families languishing in poverty and on Welfare.

Additionally, a single father who is present in the home and taking full advantage of those incentives should also have his debt to the Welfare system reduced substantially.  Largely, impoverished men are being jailed and their licenses are being revoked for being unable to reimburse the Welfare system, not for refusing to pay into a single mother headed household.

A great many fathers hit the road when facing a loss of license and/or jail.

If we wish to have more fathers in the lives of children, then we must stop viewing them as responsible for repaying the government.  If a single mother’s benefits were to be unaffected by marriage, particularly to an already impoverished father, no one would have to make choices between marriage and Welfare benefits.

The net benefit here would be mostly for single Welfare mothers and the low-wage earning, fathers with low or no skills, who are the overwhelming majority of so-called “Deadbeat Dads.” Both groups are also among those for whom marriage is most elusive.

Funny, but with all the current hoopla over same sex marriages, there are no huge outreach programs by either church or state to urge single parents to set marriage as a goal to better the lives of their children.

Political and social leaders would do their communities justice by providing the positive message that marriage will improve the lives of all involved, as opposed to the negative message that fathers desire to be absent, which has generally been proven to be a lie.

And, both church and state must stop delivering confusing messages about sex, while allowing the media and entertainment to deliver sex and sexuality.  The battle is against sex education in the schools, with little other education suggested. We know that people will learn from somewhere, so the decision is whether they will learn in the schools or in the streets.  Some adults have yet to learn.

Finally, the Welfare System must stop competing with fathers as the breadwinner in the lives of single mothers and children.

The bottom line to all of this is that single fathers, especially single Black fathers, have gotten a bad rap. Most of the negative views are based on mythology and personal biases, not fact.

The sad reality is that even though I have presented research and statistics in this series, many ignorant people have still responded with their same old, tired stereotypes, ignoring everything except their silly misconceptions, which they have allowed to pose as truth.  Damn them all to hell.

If we truly desire to improve the lot of those at the bottom, then those above had better be about the business of creating pragmatic solutions

We can continue to chase after men who have little money, and we can continue to crow about how fathers “just need to pay,” but at the end of the day, that campaign has failed.

Perhaps it’s time for something new. 

Darryl James is an award-winning author of three books who is now a filmmaker.  His first mini-movie, “Crack,” was released in March of 2006. He is currently filming a full-length documentary.  James’ latest book, “Bridging The Black Gender Gap,” is the basis of his lectures and seminars. Previous installments of this column can now be viewed at www.bridgecolumn.com. James can be reached at djames@theblackgendergap.com.

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The Moment We Fear

By Darryl James

At twelve, when I understood clearly what a homosexual was, I also understood clearly that I wasn’t one. However, I heard a radical gay rights activist explain that he simply woke up one day, and he was gay.

For nearly a year, I feared some nebulous moment when it could happen to me, too. And that scared me.  It frightened me to the point where I began to hate that which I feared. I hated gays—both gay men and gay women.  I hated them because I was frightened of becoming one of them.

But then, something happened.  Some of the people close to me revealed that they were in fact, homosexuals.  I was shocked and appalled.  But then, I thought about it.  I realized that I had been around gay people and I hadn’t been infected by homosexuality.  I realized that their lifestyles did not affect my own.  I was relieved.

I realized that there would be no moment when I would wake up and become gay. I understood that I was completely heterosexual and that there was no danger of that ever changing. I am not afraid of losing my heterosexuality. 

Some people decided that it was in jeopardy because I defended bisexual Black men against the silly notion that they were singularly responsible for the growing pool of Black women with HIV.

Some people decided that it was in jeopardy because I defended heterosexual Black men.

Some people decided that it was in jeopardy because I am unmarried and uninterested.

          Some rotten-brained losers decided that it was in jeopardy because they disagreed with something I wrote, and some of them claimed that my picture accompanying my column makes me look...

But none of that bothers me because I am secure.  I wish more people in America were secure in their sexuality. 

Right now, a great number of Americans are afraid of waking up one day and being gay.  Perhaps they are afraid of becoming infected by gay people and “catching” homosexuality.  Otherwise, we wouldn’t see the hatred we see. 

Let’s make a few things clear right now:

• There is no danger of anyone waking up one day to discover that they are gay.  If you wake up to realize it, it was there all the time.

• No two people of the same sex getting married will alter what most of us think about marriage between a man and a woman.

• No two men having sex with each other will do anything to alter what I do with women.

• Not all gay men want to have sex with little boys.

The concept of feminine men and masculine women is truly a stereotype, because some men who are with women are feminine and some of the women who are with men are manly.  On any given Sunday, you are watching football players master the gridiron and you have no idea how many of them are gay.

If God didn’t like gays in his holy house, a great number of priests, preachers, nuns, choir directors, piano players and average people in the pulpit would disappear.  God will probably prevent you from entering heaven because you are a judgmental moron.

And, quite frankly, if you knew who the strongest gays were, you wouldn't want them to go away, because they are probably doing most of the work.

As a writer, I'd kick someone's ass before I let them get rid of James Baldwin.  His homosexuality was of so little importance when compared to his ideals that were placed in the Diaspora, or the influence his talent has on young Black aspiring writers generations after he passed on.

Just get your share of the women, bruh--a bigger share after you realize that some of the brothers will leave their share behind.

A former friend became a former friend because he could not stop talking about how “fags needed to be killed.”  He couldn’t understand why I thought so differently when we both thought the same when we were growing up.  My reply to him was simple.  The difference is that I grew up.

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The Bridge:  The Reason For The Season

By Darryl James 

Christmastime is here…  I thought it appropriate to examine the season and the reason for the season.

First, let’s take a look at who believes in God.

According to a survey conducted by Harris Interactive, ten per cent of Protestants, twenty-one per cent of Roman Catholics and fifty-two per cent of Jews do not believe in God.  Surprised?  Well, there’s more that may also shock you.

Eighty-four per cent of women believe in God, while only seventy-three per cent of men do.

In terms of education and faith, eighty-two per cent of those with no college education believe in God, while only seventy-three per cent of those who went to college have faith.

Eighty-seven per cent of Republicans believe, while seventy-eight percent of Democrats and seventy-five per cent of Independents have faith.

When it comes to race, guess who has the greatest faith?  African Americans lead the faithful at ninety-one per cent, while eighty-one per cent of Hispanics and only seventy-eight per cent of whites have faith.

          That brings us back to the holiday season.  Many people do not believe in God and yet they celebrate Christmas.  Still, others believe in God, but do not believe in Jesus Christ and yet, they too, celebrate Christmas.

          The season has come to symbolize much more than the Christian holiday it originally was.  It is now a season—a season of love and giving, a season of understanding and a season of peace and kindness.

          Such a powerful season should have a powerful impact on people, particularly men and women who claim to love and believe in Jesus Christ, who, incidentally, was not a Christian, but a Hebrew.

          My point?   Well, it’s rather simple. As a man of God, I am at once disgusted and saddened by the lunatics and overbearing heretics who claim to represent God and who claim to know Jesus (Yahshua, the Black revolutionary).  As a scholar, I already know that they have more than likely never read the bible for themselves or studied history and therefore, have no real clue as to the reality of Jesus of Nazareth.

If you really read the bible, then you will know that Jesus was not trying to convince people to worship within any religion, and he certainly wasn’t trying to push people to worship him.  If you claim to aspire to be like Jesus, you should realize that you only do that when you are tolerant of other belief systems.

Knowledge of the bible and of history will reveal that what Jesus was trying to deliver to other humans, more than anything else, was an understanding of conscious evolution, which means that he had mastered the power of critical thinking.  What would Jesus do?  Well, he wouldn’t be hating people because they hold divergent faiths.  Believe that.

          In organizations such as the Green Beret, the slogan goes, “Many are called but few are chosen.” Such is also the case with universal conscious evolution.

Jesus states in Matthew 7:14: “Strait is the gate and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it.”

Jesus is saying that “narrow is the way,” and “few there be that find it,” which means that the true path will not be followed by the majority.  In other words, whatever is popular, is more than likely NOT the correct path.  Also, by saying “few there be that find it,” Jesus is illustrating that the path is not a mass pursuit, but that each individual should determine for self the way that “leadeth unto life.”

As A HEBREW HIMSELF, Jesus advocated for intrinsic spiritual enlightenment and conscious evolution, not blind and exclusionary participation in any one religion. Also, like many other prophets and revolutionaries, Jesus was not very popular during his time, and neither were his doctrines. 

Remember, Jesus was not a Christian, and promoted only love for humanity and for his father, God, not for any religion.  Christianity was manufactured following his murder at the hands of crazed religious zealots, who curiously, were promoting THEIR religious beliefs when they killed him.

Please allow me to quote three immortal thinkers:

According to Mark Twain, "If Christ were here there is one thing he would not be...a Christian."

"There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread," said Mahatma Ghandi.

And, finally, from the new school of conscious evolution and critical thinking, Darryl James preaches "There are perhaps more atheists created from the unwitting repulsion generated by religious zealots than the careful work of the devil himself."

The conscious evolution promoted by Jesus, Mohammed and other historical visionaries allows humans to transcend the clannishness of religions in order to focus on the universal love found in the true Kingdom of God.  There is no evolution in promoting one religion over another.  If all paths lead to God, then your path is as valid as my own, unless of course, you have spoken directly to God--in which case, you are either delusional, a prophet, or full of crap.

Religion, faith and spirituality are individual pursuits that are very elusive in their purity.  There is no evolution in pushing the same vapid thoughts to the masses without critical thinking and a historical perspective.

Take that into consideration the next time you send out your insipid Jesus emails or otherwise deliver such messages unwarranted without a care in the world for your brethren who did not ask for them.  How mean spirited and witless to continue to flood the masses with information that you yourself more than likely don’t really understand.

          This Christmas season, spread love, spread holiday cheer and spread the spirit of giving and sharing, which does not mean jamming your religion down the throats of the masses.

Quite frankly, in doing so, you are moving away from the conscious evolution pursued by Jesus of Nazareth, and are therefore, DANCING WITH THE DEVIL.  Nevertheless, our God has given you the freedom to do so, just as Hitler, the slave masters, and the warmongering leaders of this nation were allowed to make their own choices on God’s green earth.

Just don’t lie and claim to do it in the name of Jesus.

Happy Holidays!

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Sleeping At A Dangerous Time

DIVINE REVELATION

Have You Adopted A Candidate’s Position on Abortion and Gay Marriage as a Litmus Test for Spirituality?

By Professor Gilda Williams Daniels 

Recently, I had a conversation with friends about Congressional elections in my state.  A few remarked that they would base their decisions on whom to vote on a candidates’ position on the two Republican linchpins—you guessed it—abortion and gay marriage.   This approach behooves me because these are people who would never engage in either but would vote for candidates who vow to extinguish both.  While I understand, appreciate, and believe the Biblical tenants on these issues, I do not believe that these issues alone should dictate one’s political perspective and certainly not how one should cast a vote. 

While my friends would not seek an abortion, many would seek additional funding for education or increase the minimum wage, issues that could affect them daily.  Yet, they do not consider a candidate’s position on these issues.  They seem blinded like Saul before the Damascus road experience; adamantly opposed to thinking that there could be some good in anyone who might see things in a different light.  Yet, both look to the same light for guidance. 

Somehow we have confused political ideology and religious beliefs.  We have adopted abortion and gay marriage as a litmus test for spirituality.  It concerns me that we assume that a candidate who is anti-abortion and nothing more is worthy of our votes.  We should weigh issues not ideologies.  These candidates are not elected to pray for us but to represent us.  We are to pray for them!!!  

If we look at the voting records of most anti-abortion politicians, I would dare say that we would find their voting records are the antithesis of Jesus’ social justice message.  Remember, He said, “what you do to the least of these, you do unto me.”  The least, the less and the lost are losing daily. 

In the 109^th Congress 2^nd Session, Congress voted on 2 gay rights bills and 1 abortion rights bill.  It actually voted on approximately 450 bills in this session that included immigration, estate tax, healthcare, education, fair housing, and Katrina relief efforts to name a few.   Four hundred and fifty decisions that affected my friends in every day “make my life better” ways, and votes were cast that did not make their lives better.  Education funding for Pell grants was cut. Healthcare funding was cut. Fair housing funding bills were cut.  We are sleeping. 

The argument is that candidates who are anti-abortion would be more “spiritual” or “moral” and their votes would mirror those beliefs.  Of course, we want “leaders” who are moral.  I am suggesting-and this is not novel-that abortion and gay rights are not the sole tests for morality.  The last time I checked, lying was in the Top Ten-Commandments that is -and there are a whole lot of politicians personally engaging in that sin. 

I am hoping that voters will ask candidates to expose more of themselves and answer questions that are pertinent to the community.   Too often all we know are slogans that give no indication of how a candidate might vote on critical issues, such as education, healthcare, global warming, etc.  In this “cut and run”, “flip-flop”, “up or down vote”, cliché’ infested society, voters want and need more to make intelligent decisions about candidates. It is time that we looked beyond the slogans and clichés.  I challenge you to attend or watch a candidate’s forum, discuss or email candidates questions and demand answers. 

Politicians are elected to cast votes and sponsor legislation that represents their constituencies.   The beauty of the ballot is that it is yours to use and use wisely.  Please choose to use your ballot in a way that could potentially improve the life of you and your family—educate and participate.  To base your decision on who to vote for on how one might vote on the one abortion bill that might come to a vote instead of the 450 other bills that a Congress person must vote seems to be an act of denigration instead of divine revelation.

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Gilda Daniels Williams is a professor of Law at the University of Baltimore School of Law and the former Deputy Chief in the Civil Rights Division's Voting Section at the U.S. Department of Justice.  Professor Williams, a native of Louisiana, earned her Bachelor's degree from Grambling State University and her law degree from New York University School of Law, where she was a Root Tilden Snow Scholar. She also served as National Chairperson of the National Black Law Students Association.

 

After graduating from NYU, she clerked for the Honorable Joseph W. Hatchett, former Chief Judge, United States Eleventh Circuit Court of Appeals and served as a staff attorney with the Southern Center for Human Rights representing death row inmates and bringing prison condition cases in Alabama and Georgia.

In 1995, she moved to Washington, D.C. to work for the Department of Justice as a staff attorney in the Civil Rights Division's Voting Section. Mrs. Daniels left DOJ in 1998 to work for the Lawyers' Committee for Civil Rights Under Law as a Voting Rights Project staff attorney. In 2000, she returned to the Department as a Deputy Chief in the Voting Section.    In 2006, she transitioned from DOJ to academia and became a law professor at the University of Baltimore School of Law.

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Tookie Williams  -The Voice of Redemption

Gilda Williams Daniels

The Tookie Williams story is one of rage, responsibility and redemption.  In 1971, Stanley Tookie Williams co-founded the notorious Los Angeles Crips gang, which is credited with committing heinous crimes involving drugs and murder.  In 1981, Williams was convicted of murder and sentenced to death row at San Quentin State Prison.  He was executed on December 13, 2005.  Should the state of California have executed Tookie Williams despite a clarion call for clemency to grant him life without parole instead of death?  Did Tookie’s previous bad acts justify the death penalty?  Did his life work in prison merit leniency and life?  Is redemption or rehabilitation ever considered a rationale for clemency?  Unfortunately for Tookie Williams, it was not.

If we place those questions aside and look at the life of the man, we see one who conquered rage, accepted responsibility and sought redemption. Williams often apologized for his participation in starting the Crips and spent his life on death row encouraging others not to join gangs or get involved with violence.  He wrote nine anti-violence, anti-gang, anti-drug books for elementary and middle school students that have been credited with persuading hundreds of thousands of young people from joining gangs or to get out of gang life.  His autobiography, Blue Rage, Black Redemption was written for high school students and adults with hopes to inspire them to rehabilitate themselves.  A television movie, "Redemption: The Stan Tookie Williams Story," starring Academy Award winner Jamie Foxx was critically acclaimed and received numerous honors.

Stanley Tookie Williams did not glorify gang life or romanticize prison, painting real pictures for young people to understand the consequences of their actions.  There is an old song that says, "May the work I've done speak for me."  Today, he can't speak but his works shout!  Should he have been put to death?  It depends on which life you focus-the founder of the Crips or the anti-gang advocate, author and speaker on death row, who arguably saved many more lives than he killed.   Redemption is defined as "1. the act of redeeming or state of being redeemed; 2. Deliverance from sin."  Is redemption possible?  If not in this life, certainly in the life to come.

Gilda Williams Daniels is a human rights/civil rights attorney who formerly represented death row inmates in Alabama and Georgia.  Currently, she is a voting rights attorney and aspiring writer in Washington, D.C.

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The Bridge: Evidence of Things Unseen

By Darryl James 

          African Americans look around and bear witness to things that happen in society every day.  However, because many of us only socialize within our own community, we assume that the things we see are things that only happen to African Americans.  Some of us are so convinced, that we will argue tooth and nail that a specific behavior is a "Black" thing.

          That stark, wretched ignorance is witnessed in dumb asses such as Chris Rock, who told the world that there was a difference between Black people and Niggers, ascribing all things bad to Niggers.  That same backward, self-hating thought process can be found in the words of Bill Cosby, who pointed to a portion of his own people with the verbal fingers oft employed by racists:  "You people." Supporters of his vicious attack on Blacks forgot, missed or simply glossed over the fact that he began his tirade with "You lower economic people," tacitly indicting poor Blacks for behavior that can be found in any group of people in the world, without regard to race or social standing.

          There is no evidence of qualitative measurements to determine who is a Nigger and who is a Black person, and there is no evidence that poverty designates a group of people to poor social behavior.

          A former acquaintance who no longer dates Black women recently tried to argue with me about Black women's behavior.  His contention was that they have bad attitudes and are impossible to deal with. His "evidence" was my own writing.

          My admonishment to the bitter male bitch was that he had no idea what Black women do since he no longer dates them and that he needs to re-read my work to show me evidence of my hopelessness with regard to my sisters.

          I write about the challenges some Black men face in dealing with some Black women. I write these things because I know the poor behavior is in the minority and because I want the majority of us to help identify and dampen the poor behavior, so that more of us can find each other and find happiness and hope.

          I can find no evidence of the "impossibility" he claims I write about, and I can not find any group of people on God's green earth that are without challenges.  But there is evidence of manufactured issues.

For example, a hot button for relationships is the abused and oppressed Black woman.  Many of our sisters have been abused and as a people, because Blacks have been oppressed, which includes Black women, but to hear radical Black feminists and their dupes tell the story, Black women have been widely oppressed at the hands of Black men.

          Very little evidence can be found of Black men holding Black women back.

          And no evidence can be found of the Black man’s great love for white women or the Black woman’s great love for white men.  Whatever rumors are spread are based largely on television relationships and assumptions made from whites and Blacks who are seen together in public.  For all the lies spread about Black men or Black women's love for white women or white men, I can find no evidence that those relationships fare any better.

          There is no evidence that poor social behavior is endemic to a specific group of people.

          However, there is real evidence for some things that folks claim never to have seen.

          Those of us who still have our eyes open acknowledge that racism still plays a huge part in American life, especially for the descendants of slaves, but there are those of us too eager to kiss the boot of the white man, who pretends that there is no racism at all. 

There are Blacks who do over-exaggerate the role of racism and there are few of the downtrodden who use racism as an "excuse." And poverty pimps from Jesse Jackson to Al Sharpton have been using racism as a boogeyman trotted out to scare open the coffers of major corporations and politicians to line their own pockets and/or further their self-aggrandizement. Yet, racism exists even if it hasn’t touched every Black person’s life.

Sadly, some of the blind-minded fools who have not seen racism make wild claims as to those have seen and felt the effects of racism.

          For example, there is scarce evidence of any Black person benefiting from Affirmative Action feeling ashamed or inadequate as a result of the assistance.  Yet, because other Negroes feel uncomfortable with their own success in white arenas, lip service is paid to the imaginary “common knowledge,” as opposed to any real survey.

          And, none of the boneheads who claim that Welfare has created a legacy of dependence can find real evidence, pointing instead to stretched inferences from loose interpretation of unfocused data. For every tale of a second generation of Welfare recipients, there are tales of Welfare children pulling themselves up out of poverty to create something better for themselves and their families.

          And, even if those fools could obliterate social programs, none of them propose anything but each person carrying his or her own weight, as though the nation is equal for all of its citizens.

          White Americans are having a difficult time finding gainful employment and being able to carry their own weight, yet, rotten-brained House Niggers chastise impoverished Blacks as though they are lazy and simply refusing to live up to the American dream.  If America can provide welfare to its corporations and to other nations, then it should damned well provide assistance for its citizens who need a helping hand to survive.

          I have scoured the nation and I have found no evidence of equality in this nation.  I have found evidence of programs to benefit whites and newly arrived immigrants.

          I was rankled by the morons who pressed for the death of Stanley "Tookie" Williams, claiming that he got what he deserved from a fair and just criminal justice system, because none of them could point to solid evidence of the man's guilt.  I have found no evidence of Justice being blind, because I know that bitch peeks at skin color and social standing from under her blindfold.

          Finally, I have grown weary and uninterested in some of the responses to my writing, because I find very little evidence these days of critical thinking or enlightened exchange. What I do find is overly emotional hysteria in response to critical thinking on hot button issues.

          It’s cool to disagree, but before you write, and especially before you speak, make certain that you have evidence of the things you claim to have seen, but especially of the things you claim not to have seen. 

Darryl James is an award-winning author and is now a filmmaker.  His first mini-movie, “Crack,” will be released in March of this year.  James’ latest book, “Bridging The Black Gender Gap,” is the basis of his lectures and seminars. Previous installments of this column can now be viewed at www.bridgecolumn.com. James can be reached at djames@theblackgendergap.com.

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The Bridge:  Diary of a Mad Black Man

By Darryl James 

          I don't think it will surprise anyone to hear me say that I'm a mad Black man right about now.

          I'm angry that the image of Black men in America is once again, under attack.

There has been one new stereotype added to the paradigm over the past few decades-the Black man in drag, currently re-emerging, headed by filmmaker/actor Tyler Perry.

The Black man in drag is one of the new coons. It’s hip and chic and the stereotype is comfortable for all who may have fear of a strong Black man.  For white people, the stereotype presents a non-threatening Black male who won't stand up to racism or start a revolution. No one has to oppress him, because he’s self-castrated.

The stereotype is also comfortable for women who have had nothing good come from relationships with Black men because a castrated clown won’t tell them what to do, won't beat them and will sit down with them as nearly one of them. Perhaps they find comfort in this new role of the sensitive male gone too far--so far that he has become the woman. Literally.

What is that showing us?  It is showing debauchery and the base level of entertainment.

And it ain’t even good.

It’s a bad knockoff of Flip Wilson’s Geraldine, which was an anomaly during a period when at least we attempted to protect our own image.  But currently, no one is protecting anything.  We offer up our women to be degraded in garbage over beats called Rap music, and we offer ourselves up in any available vehicle.

Tyler Perry ain’t killing nobody and his work ain’t as bad as other material, but is not ground breaking culturally revolutionary material.  Let's call it what it is:  This is a grown man running around dressed as a woman.

And, dig, if you will the release of Martin Lawrence's drag queen gig "Big Mama's House, II," during the same time period.

Even the most popular comedian today, Dave Chappelle recoiled when they came at him with the dress, which he acknowledges is always a part of the plan for Black men in entertainment.

Jamie Foxx wore the dress as Wanda long before Oscar consideration.  And Martin Lawrence first played "dress up" on his very own sitcom, playing an ugly, ignorant woman that Black women should have beaten him for.

But no one will beat him or Tyler Perry, and really, more people will be angry with me for writing this than will even take issue with the celebration of Black men in drag on the silver screen.

It's not that I expect every Black film to contain images the likes of Malcolm X or Muhammad Ali, or for Denzel Washington, Lawrence Fishburne, Will Smith and Mos Def to star in everything, but since we are spending the dollars to make the difference, we should at least expect something more dignified than what we have been getting.

The excuse for any film debauchery is always that different stories and different characters won’t do the same numbers. That has only become true because the nation, including the Black portion has come to expect something simplistic and non-threatening to deal with when it comes to our images on film.

          And the super-irrelevant anachronistic NAACP looks foolish each year slinging so-called "Image Awards" to people who are crapping on our image.

Everyone from grandmothers to college girls has the Madea DVD collection, but the most significant and scary portion of Perry’s audience is Black males.

          The fact that Black men have lined up to see a self-castrated Negro clown is evidence of something else I'll be writing about soon--the effeminization of the Black man. And let's be very clear:  This is not about bashing gays, but purely about the diminishing and effeminization of the Black male.

          While some may cheer for Perry’s success, making claims of what it may portend for other Black films, I weep for what it portends for the Black male image.

At the end of the Civil Rights Movement, the new push was for Black women by Black women to end their own oppression, but what of the Black male, relegated to specific extremes of hypermasculinity or emasculization near eunuch status?  What of the Black boys who are taught by Black women to hate/despise their fathers? What of our new culture of Black male effeminization? Perhaps it's time for Black men to take up a movement of our own, specifically to define ourselves and to protect our community.

The pursuit of such a movement would not be juxtaposed to Black women's dance with feminism, as both the male and female psyches in the race have been harmed from sexual misidentification and oppression.  Some of our sisters are shouting from the rooftops that strong Black women are a threat, even if only to Black men, but the simple truth is that strong Black men have always been a threat to many people in this nation, including some of our own people who would rather embrace the likes of Madea than any nouveau Malcolm X.

But as we examine the race's difficulties and try to exact solutions, we must first examine the images that today's young Black men are emulating.

At one end of the extreme in the diminishing of the Black male image is the movement of men into the thug mentality, as desired by even some of our most sophisticated females (“I want an educated man with a little thug in him…”).  Grown men who have never had a fight in their lives are claiming to be thugs, dressing like gangsters and talking like street thugs, looking silly and setting horrible examples for the emerging generation of Black men.

At the other end of the extreme is the effeminate Black male, which includes the Black man in drag as well a the emerging Black “Metrosexual,” who may or may not be gay, but is certainly not a man’s man.  Yesterday’s father would beat Junior for dressing that way and for wearing makeup and yesterday, Junior would not have paid any attention to the softer societal trends unless he was really gay, and perhaps, not even then.   Yet, today, we see the re-emergence of previously horrifying Black male images.

Certainly, the Black female image is also under attack. But as we see an emergence of consciousness among younger Black women, who seek to protect their image, Black men must stand up and do the same.

We need to protect ourselves and then come together to protect each other. We already know that no one else will.

          For evidence, witness the Academy Awards of 2006, where the Black image sunk to a low only witnessed at the beginning of our relationship with Hollywood. The empty-minded, talentless wretches who won an Oscar for Best Song paraded themselves around the stage as pimps and hoes, followed by Queen Latifah, who asked: "Why wasn't I included in that?"

          While the blind-minded were celebrating, the real pimps were laughing at the Negroes who are being codified and ensconced into the Negro images that are most acceptable--pimps and hoes.

          Those images were no more clearly embraced than at this year's Academy Awards, as a Black woman sang about how hard it is out here for a pimp, while a bunch of prideless clowns paraded around the stage.

          But, really, I want to tell those morons that it's not that hard out here for a pimp.  It's just that you're not the pimp. Listen closely, and in the background over your shoulder, you'll hear the real pimp shouting "Whoop that trick!"

          Maybe you’re asleep or just too high too feel the pain.

Click Here To Read Our Interview with Darryl James

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The Bridge—I’m An Asshole

By Darryl James 

          Hello, my name is Darryl James and I’m an asshole.

          (Hi Darryl!)

          Well, I’m here at the AA (Assholes Anonymous) meeting because the people who email me with stupidity and ignorance keep telling me I’m an asshole and no matter what I say, they keep coming with it.  I ask them to focus on the message, but they are unable to move away from focusing on me.

          I understand that the things I write about cause a stir, because some of the issues are highly emotional.  But what I don’t understand is why people contact me directly just to tell me what an asshole I am.

          The question has to be asked:  “If I am an asshole, don’t you think I knew it before you emailed me or posted to a message board on the Internet?”  And, if I were really an asshole, why would you expect me to be nice to you when you send me your hate?

          The good part is that it’s not a Black thing, as some people imagine.  For example, when I wrote the piece on human parasites living off of the world African host, Jews around the world turned in their versions of hatred and ignorance. Trudy Gefen (trudy_gefen@yahoo.co.uk) wrote me from London to lie about history, claiming that Africans actually started slavery.

          Yes, I blazed that liar and the rest of them in my inimitable Darryl James style, and now, I am officially an asshole across cultures and across continents.

          Perhaps it’s a case of divergent philosophies. While you may expect me to turn the other cheek, I prefer to exact an eye for an eye.

          The funny part is people’s horror over my return of the hatred.  They think that I’m supposed to soak it up and remain “professional,” but I can’t find those “professional” standards in any of the books on professional journalism. In college, I learned about libel, the inverted pyramid, newspaper versus magazine style, etc., but nothing about being nice to idiots who hate you.

          And the idiots make up even more silliness to justify their idiocy.

          I mean, I’ve heard every imaginable platitude, including:  “If you don’t want me to email you, then why do you provide your email address?”  Well, I guess I’ll stop showing up in public, because that is probably an additional excuse to hurl silly remarks at me, or perhaps you have a brick.

When people haven’t witnessed a social situation I describe, I often hear: “Why don’t you go to different places?”  How stupid is it to assume that all the people with poor social behavior go to the same places and that my conundrum is as simple as gong to new places?  How equally stupid to assume that I am speaking only of my experience or that if the idiot emailing me hasn’t seen it, it doesn’t exist?

          Then there’s:  “If you can’t take the heat, stop writing.  That is part of being a journalist.”  Again, I really don’t remember that class when I was studying journalism.  No professor ever admonished us that we would be obligated to take the insults and stupid comments from idiots as part of our journalistic oath.  Wait—there was no oath.

          In addition to the professional comments, I get comparisons to other journalists and columnists, which typically fail when the comparisons are to journalists who aren’t necessarily on my level, or who are just completely different.

          Finally, there’s my favorite:  “I thought as a journalist, you would be open to intelligent dialogue.”  Well, I am, but just because you call it intelligent dialogue doesn’t mean that it is.  Defecation can be cold and it is brown, but if you call it chocolate ice cream, there will be problems. If you are stupid, I will call you that and feel good about doing it and your dialogue is probably stupid as well.

          I’m not alone.  The woman who tried to plunge a knife into the heart of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., thought he was an asshole and the human demons who hung a man on a cross and pierced his side thought he was an asshole for saying he was the son of God.  I may not be on those categories, but at least I can take comfort in the fact that my name doesn’t come up when you type asshole into an internet search engine—that honor was reserved for our retarded president. Don’t bother trying it now, it’s been removed.

          It’s really too bad that email has made life easier for the turgid creeps who would otherwise be left to scrawl out asinine messages on loose leaf paper with a crayon.

Let’s be real about people who email writers to work out their psychoses: They don’t care about open dialogue and they don’t care about resolving issues--they only care about having someone to hate on and whip on.  They want me to be their asshole, take the whipping, give them their pound of flesh and shut up about it.

          Here’s my response, which is generally consistent:  “If you disagree with me, why not ignore me?  Why take time out of your empty ass day to tell me that I am an asshole when you could be staring at the wall, watching your relatives on Jerry Springer or eating Spam sammiches?  Do you really think that I will respond favorably to insults and stupid comments?”

          Gee, who’s really the asshole? 

Darryl James is an award-winning author and is now a relationship coach, providing pragmatic advice for loving and living in today's world.  James’ latest book, “Bridging The Black Gender Gap,” is the basis of his lectures and seminars. Previous installments of this column can now be viewed at www.bridgecolumn.com. James can be reached at djames@theblackgendergap.com.

Click Here To Read Our Interview with Darryl James

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The Bridge

Darryl James

 

 

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