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10 Relationship Mistakes to Avoid in 2007 I. Joining the Thug Craze Everywhere you look today there is the celebration of the sexy thug. From videos to magazines he is now considered the ultimate sexy black man - a man who walks with a swagger and has hip-hop flowing through his veins. The thug oozes sex and love with all of its risk and excitement. Sensible sister don’t lose it and decide that you have to get a thug. True thug love is only for certain sisters and all sisters can’t deal with love on the edge. So before you decide to give a second look to the brother on the corner trying to get your attention, stop and think. Do you have the energy and stamina for this man? Can you really be his woman? II. Banking on Mr. Right Some sisters decide that the New Year is the time to lockdown on a brother with money. It’s something about the holiday season and its bills that make a sister look a little closer at what her finances are able to do. Before you head down the road toward a brother who is simply just paid, consider this -- would you want a brother clocking you for your dough? Are all money brothers good brothers? Step carefully. III. Seeing Straight Signs in Your Gay Friends Wouldn’t it be great to meet a man who loves to shop with you, watch your TV shows and dish all the latest gossip? A great brother with a flair for fashion who really listens to what you want and need. Your childhood friend Ty probably fits the bill, but Ty is gay. Suddenly on New Year’s Eve you decide that Ty is always alone and you are alone and why not try? Don’t try. Ty was gay yesterday and he will more than likely be gay tomorrow. So move back to your end of the couch and ask Ty to point you in the direction of great straight brothers that are on his ultimate wish list that he knows he can never get. IV. Making a Go for Baby’s Daddy There is nothing like the New Year to convince a sister that the great one got away. This is not the time to rediscover your baby’s daddy. He is just your baby’s daddy for a reason. Take the New Year to rededicate yourself to a year of successful co-parenting, not rediscovering the mishaps of the past. V. Letting Mom Choose Your Date Desperation kicks in on New Year’s Eve. We take this one night to convict ourselves for years of bad dates and broken promises. We obviously cannot make the right choices, so mom I’ll hand my love life over to you. You know that she has been longing to hook you up with little Buster for years. No! Stop! Although this woman successfully raised a diva, she cannot choose your mate. When you are about turn over the relationship reins to her just think -- this woman also is the same woman who made the keen decision of green and orange plaid pants and Princess Leia buns for your 5th grade picture. Don’t let her make another life altering decision. VI. Giving the Video Store Clerk a Call He grins and is always so helpful. Video guy never criticizes you for your girly movie choices. He is understanding, warm and friendly. You decide that maybe 2004 is the year to give nice guys a run. So along with your debit card you slide your business card to video guy. Now you know you don’t want to hook-up with video guy. Don’t let New Year’s loneliness lead you down the path toward a discount bin love – goods that will meet the need, but you know if things were not so bad you just would not buy. Take your time and shop for what you really want. VII. Booty Call Anyone? Late at night when you are alone. You decide that maybe its time to give that brother a call that you met at the club a week ago. What are the odds that he is spending New Year’s Eve all alone? Besides all hook-ups don’t have to lead to a relationship, right? What?? You didn’t call this brother for a whole week because you knew after date one he was bad news. Don’t let a booty call lead to a tumultuous 2006. VIII. Turning Into Cat Lady When things have gone so badly in love for so long it is easy to just pack up your heart and go home. Usually you can tell when a sister has done exactly this when she starts to a) purchase lots and lots of cats, b) develop a keen interest in collecting potholders and c) decided shaving of any sort is just a societal burden created by men. Have you had any of these thoughts? Step away from Petco now and get back out there. Don’t join the ranks of those who have given up. IX. Going for the Second Chance He really wasn’t that bad was he? Sitting alone during the New Year leafing through old photos and love letters when you come across HIS letters. HE is the one that you felt if he only changed or if you had worked harder things may have worked out. Granted there were serious cracks in the relationship, but why not give it one more try! Clear your mind of these champagne induced dreams. He didn’t get any better and you are no better a fit today than say four years ago when you blocked his phone number. So, laugh at the photos and remember the good times then quickly think of that dreadful last weekend together at his parent’s vacation spot when he spent the entire weekend in a dark closet playing with his old G.I. Joe’s. Time does not always change people. X. Giving Into the Vivica Syndrome Are brothers your age getting you down? Do older brothers leave you bored or confused? Maybe it is time to move on to younger brothers. Everyone is doing it and it seems to reenergize their love lives. As you walk over to that young brother in the club convinced to give the younger guy thing a try, ask yourself this; are you a sister who is willing to bridge the age gap or are you just looking for great sex? If you are willing to put the time and effort into making your two worlds meet up, then fine jump into the kiddie pool. But if all you are hoping for is some sweaty sex, then maybe you should move on because at some point you and young brother will have to talk and do you really have the time or interest in bringing a brother up to speed? So what do you think? If you would like to respond to this article click here and sign our Guestbook to leave a public or private statement, comment or reaction. If you would like to send a message to our Webmaster click here. Rediscovering Love One of the things that I am continually surprised by is the ability of human beings to love in spite of. When you speak to people who have been in long-term relationships and ask what the key to their longevity is the answer they often give is that they weather the lulls and rejoice in the highs of long-term love. People who make this love thing work understand that like in any other aspect of our lives - career, spirituality and our children - there are going to be moments when it all gels and other moments when you question whether or not you made the right decision. Long-term lovers believe in the power of coming back full circle – that true love endures and we just have to be patient enough to work through the bad patches. With the number of divorces continually climbing and more and more of us choosing not to marry, have we lost sight with what it takes to make love go the distance? Do we bail early on in challenging relationships afraid of making mistakes that will last years? These are the questions that I put to a recent book club of single and married sisters as we debated the subject – loving for real. When I bought up the topic, the group got energized and started offering their own tips on how to make love last. In the end we had a strong dialog going about the benefits of long-term relationships versus non-committed love. One sister mentioned that she just did not have the patience and compromise that her married girlfriends have. She could not ignore the small things like a man not being neat or polite enough and the bigger issues like finances, children and education in her mind could not be negotiated. This sister’s view was that her life was peaceful and stable alone – adding a committed long-term relationship to the mix would only bring drama that she did not need. Later the sister stated that, “she had enough male friends to get the hook-up whenever she needed it and personally that was the way she wanted to keep her relationships.” On the other side of the spectrum there was a married sister who spoke openly about the give and take of marriage and how she does not lie to her girlfriends by saying that she and her husband have had an easy relationship. In this married sister’s opinion, “there had been some great years and some not so good ones, but in the end she really loves and likes her husband so she is dedicated to making the relationship work.” She agreed that the key to a long-term relationship is understanding its many different phases and constantly holding out hope that a positive phase is right around the corner. So are the committed brainwashed and the non-committed cowards? The jury is still out on that one. Luckily the world has opened up and in some areas has allowed us to determine the course of our love lives. The fact that we can all agree on is that love truly is what you make of it and that there really is no one clear definition of what makes it successful.Ten Things to Celebrate When a Relationship Ends I. Who’s That Girl? We all know that when things with a brother are right – our girls get cut back. Sisters don’t mean to do this, but it is so easy to fall into the ebb and flow of a great new romance and scale back the sustaining relationships with our girls. Now that the brother is no longer in the picture take the time to get reacquainted with your sister circle. Be prepared to hear a lot feedback from your girls about your disappearance, but know that they only kid because they care and they will always be there for you. II. Gotta Flirt! “Great Brother” was so wonderful that you just sailed through your daily activities oblivious to any mild flirtations or comments that your greatness may have inspired. When you did notice that a brother was flirting with you, you were quick to put him in check by letting him know “that you have a man.” Now that “Great Brother” has moved on – it’s time to sign-up again for the wonderful spectator sport of flirtation. Reactivate your witty side. Learn to maximize every new encounter with an available brother because even if he isn’t your type – one of his friends may be a perfect fit! III. Let Stella Get You to Your Groove You are joyously alone right now and why not relish the time to actually sit back on your couch with a glass of wine and watch every sappy, romantic and tear inducing film ever made. Celebrate regaining control of your remote; while dissecting the end of your relationship by running it through the filter of every great thematic romance. Get in touch with your feelings and actually use the flat screen that you paid for. IV. !?! THINK!?! For the last six months you have been happily consumed with his thoughts and what you two were going to do. Your days were filled with planning the next sexy interlude or deciding which of your friends and family he should meet next. Well since he’s no longer in the picture, why not lay claim to your thoughts again. Break-ups are great motivators for regaining control over your own personal thoughts and desires. Have fun as you discover that you are no longer thinking for two, but solidly thinking for one. V. Chasing ME One world has ended, but all is not lost. Since you have unloaded the baggage of a relationship that was not an ideal fit, why not take this opportunity to pick up some new baggage that fits perfectly. Why not take this hurtful ending and flip it into an opportunity to pursue your dreams and do those things that you never thought you would get to do? Take that vacation, dance class or new project at work confident that there is a whole new world out there that is just waiting to sample your fabulousness. VI. Room for One Reclaim your living space. Take all the stuff animals out of the closet and throw around as many doilies as you want. Make yourself comfortable again in your home. Since he’s gone, now you have more counter space, closet space and the unrestricted use of the whole bed. Reconnect with the freedom and security of having your own space and the time to enjoy it. VII. Get on Your Own Schedule Think of all the times you said that if you only had more time that you would workout more, visit with family or visit your girl from college. You probably had your gym bag all packed and the next thing you knew your man called and you wound up spending the gym time laying on the floor watching the Sopranos while eating largest pizza known to man. Well, guess what? You have the time now to do all of the activities that you put off because you were in a great romance that could not wait. Bask in YOU time where you call the shots on what you do. Take the time to heal and ready yourself for life’s next great adventure. VIII. Placing Him in a New Aisle Sometimes we luck up and in breaking up with “Great Brother,” we discover that all is not lost. While the relationship did not work- sometimes a great friendship develops with our ex. Not the messy booty call type of relationship – I am not an advocate of those roller coasters, but the kind of friendship where you realize that you are not life partners, but who else can you find to play a shrewd hand of bid whist with or appreciate your insatiable appetite for spoken word. Be open to loosing an ill fitting lover, but possibly gaining a great new friend. Don’t be afraid to reclassify. IX. Seeing Through a New “I” Don’t you think it’s time to drop the “We?” For months every aspect of your life has been phrased as a couple. All of the decisions have been made by committee, but your co-chair has left the company. Now it’s time to charge forward with “I.” Talk about what “YOU” think, want and need. Reclaim the joy of having a stand alone opinion that counts. X. Keep On Moving Reconnect with the possibilities of discovering a new great love. Show those in your life that are supporting you that you are a survivor and that you haven’t given up on an ideal relationship. Be brave … Be bold … Believe that love is a wonderful experience and there is always a new love right around the corner! So what do you think? If you would like to respond to this article click here and sign our Guestbook to leave a public or private statement, comment or reaction. If you would like to send a message to our Webmaster click here.
LaDawn Black is the host of The Love Zone on Baltimore's WERQ. Black is also the author of Stripped Bare: The 12 Truths That Will Help You Land the Very Best Black Man, February 2006 -One World/Ballantine. More info on LaDawn Black can be found at www.ladawnblack.com. LaDawn Black can be heard locally on Baltimore’s 92Q -WERQ (92.3FM – www.92qjams.com), where she hosts the number one rated overnight radio relationship advice show, The Love Zone. LaDawn Black photos courtesy Rodney Choice
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