Tell It To LaDawn (Relationship Advice)

 

 
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Check out the latest happenings with LaDawn.

October 2007 issue of Essence Magazine

Her first Relationship Rescue contribution is on page 162 in the October issue with Keisha Cole on the cover.

Relationship Expert for New Reality Dating Show with Essence

http://www.essence.com/essence/30datesin30days/expertadvice_wk1.html

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Member of the Winning Team of 92Q – Best Radio Station in Baltimore

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LaDawn Black is the host of The Love Zone on Baltimore's WERQ.  Black is also the author of Stripped Bare: The 12 Truths That Will Help You Land the Very Best Black Man, February 2006 -One World/Ballantine. More info on LaDawn Black can be found at www.ladawnblack.com.

LaDawn Black can be heard locally on Baltimore’s 92Q -WERQ (92.3FM – www.92qjams.com), where she hosts the number one rated overnight radio relationship advice show, The Love Zone. 

Adding A Little Female Charm to Black Men

"LaDawn Black is what Dr. Phil would be if he were a sexy young black woman." - Toni G., Baltimore, MD

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Bestselling relationship guide author LaDawn Black, author of Stripped Bare: 10 Tested Truths for Landing the Very Best Black Man, adds a sensible and measured perspective to relationship advice on this site.  If you want advice that only a sista can give you, or you need some tough love--then click here to Tell It To LaDawn at Black Men In America.com

Please edit and spell check your letters and do not type in all caps.

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LaDawn Black photos courtesy Rodney Choice

 

Advice From LaDawn

Dear LaDawn:

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years and in that time we have never cheated on each other. We have also been able to build a successful business together. One of the biggest problems we have is that he has a fetish with females' bootys. There have been a few times when he has been gawking at a girl's butt and I have found it disrespectful. Now its at a point that he does it and he lies about it. After seeing him do it several times I have reached a conclusion that I don't want to deal with it at all. I talked to him about it in the past several times, I explained to him how it makes me feel disrespected, it hurts and if I would have known that it would be like this in the beginning, I would not have engaged in this type of a relationship with him, I would have kept him as a friend. He protests that this is a small thing and that I should not be bothered by it and the fact that I am bothered by it is my problem.

We have both invested a lot into our relationship and our business, but I feel like his immature behavior is causing me a great deal of stress which in turn is affecting the business and everything else. He says often (and I know it to be true) that things could always be worse. I tell him, "Should become accustomed to settling for less?"

Please tell me if this is just some psychosis of my own mind, blatant immaturity, disrespect or something that comes along with dating a black man  in Northern California.

Sister: 

Let me be really honest with you.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with looking/gawking/appreciating the human form.  If your man likes to look, let him look because the truth is that you probably get your "look" on when a fine brother crosses your path.  The difference is that you are probably more subtle, your man doesn't care and doesn't notice or you don't discuss your fondness for broad shoulders or sexy lips with him.  Yes, you are being extremely sensitive and to ask the man not to notice other women is simply insanity. There is nothing wrong with looking.  When he tries to get closer to the booty by asking its phone number or following it home -- then get concerned. 

- L

 

Hi LaDawn,

I have been dating the same woman for just over 4 yrs (2 yrs as a couple).
Neither of us have children; both are homeowners.   Over the course of this 2 yr period, I decided that she was the one I would marry - and made it known.  We both talk about future plans to be together; how things might be on a daily basis, etc..  I will and have done just about anything for her - handyman, cash till payday, give space to hit the happy hour with her friends, etc..  Also, we are no strangers to each other’s family.  At times I believe she would like to spend more time doing activities with my family than we currently do.  However, it does not seem to be a cause for major problems.  I say all this to say we are very good friends who support each other.

When it comes to lovemaking we fall off big time!  For the last 18 months or so, my discipline has been periodically tested in that along with no lovemaking, there was no solid explanation and just a nonchalant attitude toward addressing the situation.  Often, I would act like a jerk and pout (not a good look for me) to show my disappointment.  The past few months have been much of the same except, I am more cognizant of my reaction to these emotions.  Nowadays, I am suppressing my desires in order to prevent conflict.

Recently, I learn that the pace of the relationship or lack of has contributed to this fall off.  She told me she felt like we were not moving - so I asked, "Ideally, where should this relationship be (or what should it be like) just before marriage?" She replied, "I don't know."  Then she's back to my best friend again.  Even that conversation I had to ask all the questions about why has our love life fell off.

Is this relationship failing and I just can't see it?  Why do I feel so unfulfilled when I have a good woman at home?  Why do I leave for work from her house - thinking where can I get some?   I am finding it harder to provide all these perks and pleasantries when I too often feel, let down.  Why would a brother want to move forward into marriage with this aspect of the relationship so suspect.  Am I being threatened into marriage - is that legal?  Do we both have too much pride to accommodate each other?  Please help.

-b

B: 

Brother I am going to be honest with you.  This sister is backing off of the sex because she has other plans outside of having a relationship with you.  When women are trying to figure out whether or not they should stay in a relationship often the first thing to go is sexual intimacy.  We are wired to be open to a man that we desire and it is hard to be open physically and mentally to a man that we no longer desire.  Now I am not saying that she is seeing someone else.  More than likely it is just a thought process that she is working her way through and it is manifesting itself in being physically distant. 

You need to ask her straight up if she is trying to make any hard decisions regarding your relationship.  Let her know that you are interested in having the relationship continue but not in its current passionless form.  Don't be surprised if a river of her thoughts and feelings comes to the surface as she really lets you know what the whole no sex thing is all about. 

- L

 

LaDawn,

I have been married for six years and it was hell from the very beginning. Everyone tried to discourage me from it, but I was 'In Love'. I spent a considerable amount of money on our honeymoon so that it would be memorable...it was, because she stopped talking to me.  She wanted to argue and the whole nine.

By nature I am not an argumentative person and I try to avoid confrontations with the people I love. Anyway as time moved on we continue to be like that roller coaster. So finally three years ago I asked for a divorce. She claimed and promised to change. I really wanted it to work and I believed her, so I stayed. We had a little girl who is the greatest treasure I could ever find! Now we have twins and she is starting to do everything she used to. I am truly lost. I grew up with my parents separated and I never wanted that for my kids. Now I feel that I have dragged them into something that could be emotionally and mentally taxing on them.

I have been trying to get transferred to another site, but I know all I am doing is running from the situation.

Like some of your other readers, I could go much more in-depth, but I'm sure you don't have the time.

Exhausting my soul!

Thank you my queen.

 

Brother: 

What a situation to be in!  It doesn't seem like there was ever a time where you were happy or peaceful in this relationship. At this point you have to really stop worrying about your mate and really dig deep and decide what is best for you and your children.  Kids know when their parents are unhappy with one another no matter how good of a show you guys are putting on.  And personally the idea of having to play at happiness for the next 20+ years is a huge burden to carry.  Don't run from the situation by getting a job transfer because you guys will still be together fighting long distance. 

It's time to be an adult and confront the state of your relationship.  Take the time to live apart and see if this feels better.  Agree early on that the kids are a priority and no matter what you guys will do your best to co-parent. True separation and divorce does affect children, but just think how much constant arguing, confusion and contempt is affecting them everyday.  Its time to get real and possibly make a change. 

L

Dear LaDawn

I just found your site and it piqued my interest.  Here is my problem.  I have been married for almost 10 years.  During that time maybe a year and a half have been pleasant.  We have a child together (he is almost 8 years old).  This was my first marriage and her 2nd.  Here is a part of the problem.  We clearly discussed what I was looking for in a mate.  I have a strong relationship in Christ and I believe that a man is the head of the household (meaning that I must take ultimate responsibility for my family).  This was something I was quite explicit about before we got married and she agreed to this.  Since then, nothing I have brought up has she agreed to.  She has yet to get any identification in my name even though she still gets mail in her former husbands name.  Once she got our child's medications and they used her former married name for my child.  I had a fit, but when I brought it up to her she said she didn't know that that would be such a problem. 

I have come home from work and found her with a male co-worker in our home after she told me that they were going to have lunch in a town 30 miles away.  They were shocked when I showed up at my home around 10:30am.  I was doing all of the laundry and cooking.  I was getting only 5 hours of sleep a night.  Again when I brought this up to her, she said she didn't know that this would be a problem.  She has invited former boyfriends to my mother's home for barbecues.  Our guests would always ask about her at these outings because she would never come out and mingle with them.  When her old boyfriend showed up we watched in amazement as she ran out of the house and started grilling food for them.  At our son's last birthday I took him (he's is disabled) to an amusement park for the first time in his life.  She wouldn't go.  My cousin came with her children instead.  The next day we went on a ride he had been dying to get on.  She went to that, but immediately left.  When he got strep throat I took him to the doctor and kept him.  She went to the Pocono’s to visit her girlfriend. 

I owned a house before we were married, it was supposed to be my first home until I could afford another one.  All we had to pay for was the utilities and the taxes.  She told me that it was too far from her job.  I got her an opportunity to work in the town that I lived in and where the house was and she refused.  I only found out this year that she just didn't want to live there.  She told her mother and she just told me that she didn't want to live there because there were too many Hispanics in the area.  Before we were dating she lived with a Hispanic.  I gave up the house to live with her in a 1-bedroom basement apartment that I paid monthly rent for.  There were times when I was so tired after work and returning to the apartment that I almost crashed by falling asleep while driving (her apartment was almost 2 hours away from where I used to live and work). 

I gave up my job in my old town and took a $10,000 pay cut because she wanted me to work in the area we live in.  When I brought up her deception she said that I should let the past be the past.  Recently she has been going out on dates with her former boyfriend who is a doctor.  This is the same person her first husband would argue about because she was always with him.  I asked her why didn't she marry him?  She said that he was too short but he is rich and promises her that he will assist her in her music career.  He has told her this before but has never come through.  I, on the other hand, got her on television and a chance to meet Melba Moore and sing for her.  She used to get mad at me when I wanted to know where she was on Friday evenings.  She told me she always gets her hair done on Fridays.  These dates, which she has admitted to, were on Friday evenings.  There is much more, but suffice it to say that Ministers who know me and my wife, friends and relatives have been telling me for years that she is only interested in herself and I should end this marriage.  To be honest, she has claimed that I am not as intimate with her as I used to be.  I asked her if she remembered when we were intimate?  She admitted that it was when we did things together (prayed, did Bible study together, went to the movies together etc).  Things that I told her I was looking for in a mate before we got married.  She says that I should be more intimate with her.  My feelings of intimacy came from her saying and doing the things I was looking for in a mate.  I wouldn't have married her if she hadn't assured me that she was interested in these things.  I even tried to be more intimate with her earlier this year.  In the middle of it she told me to stop because she "wasn't feeling this."

LaDawn I will never be intimate with her again until she apologizes for that (she has already laughed that off saying if I really wanted her I would be chasing her).  There is only a year difference in our ages so age isn't an issue as far as I know.  What would you advise?  If it weren't for my son and the fact that I have spent every cent I have on keeping this family together, I would be gone by now.  People who know both of us that I am going to go to an early grave if I stay in this marriage have told me.  Also, she is a terrible mother.  Our child has more of a relationship with the baby sitter than with her.  The baby sitter, who is on a fixed income bought our child a birthday gift.  My wife didn't even get him a birthday card.  He had trouble sleeping and she was giving him medication to make him go to sleep.  I talked with him and made sure he went to bed at an appropriate time and we haven't had that problem anymore.  Once when our child couldn't sleep he went into the bedroom with her and she made him leave the bedroom saying that she needed to get her sleep.

I will take your advice into prayerful  consideration.

Thank you for reading this "novel!"

Brother: 

Your story is an incredible one filled with disappointment and denial.  I am going to get to the heart of the matter.  The sister is not interested in being a mom or wife.  All of her actions scream wanting to be out of her current situation so that she can be free to pursue her goals.  Nothing in her actions during your marriage show compromise or understanding.  The truth is that you probably should have left her years ago before compromising your finances or exposing your son to her indifference. 

It is hard for brothers to understand that there are women who exist who are horrible moms and don't have a lick of the nurturing gene that most women seem to possess.  Just like there are brothers out there that are better served to be bachelors forever -- trust that there are sisters out there who need to always be on their own.  This is the type of sister that you are joined to because even her "ideal doctor brother" is not husband worthy. 

What you need to do at this point is sure up what is really important -- your son and your financial position so that you can go.  Love can only take a relationship so far and then you have to really look at whether or not you are pleased within a relationship and also whether or not there is any growth.  My guess is you have zeros in both columns.  Now is the time to lean on your family, friends and spiritual community to dissolve this long broken union and get you back on the right path. 

- LaDawn

 

Hey Miss LaDawn, 

I might a guy on one of the popular sites on the web. He wrote to me first addressing his interested to meet me in the future. I checked his profile as he may have checked mine. I we’ve been out on a couple of dates even though he lives two hours away from me. Now it’s September and we haven’t spoken in awhile until I found his number on my phone view list. I called this number thinking it was my girlfriend’s number but it was his. He was acting like everything was okay, like we were right where we left off. I asked him if he was playing games, or if he was seeing anyone else, he told me no and I am his baby girl. 

LaDawn please help me solve this mystery of this man who seems to be perfect in everyway but there must be something that is holding our relationship back from being official. 

Mona, Dover, DE  

Sister: 

I think I am going to get T-shirts with this statement on it, "If a man really wants you he will be where you are!"  I get these questions all the time from readers and listeners about the disappearing brother or the brother who never seems to have time for you.  The universal truth is that sometimes men change their minds and all of the attention early on in the relationship can go away if he has decided that you are not the woman for him. 

Sisters do this disappearing act too.  Just think of the brothers who may not have gotten past one phone call or date with you and how even though they continued to reach out you never responded and you hoped that they would one day get the hint.  Don't you think brothers do the exact same thing? So, stop chasing this brother.  He is simply being polite when you guys speak.  If he wanted to be with you, you would not be wondering if -- you'd know. 

- L

Dear LaDawn: 

In February 2003, I met and dated a man 10 years my senior, I was 29 at the time, (we will call him James) we work for the same company, he was in supervision on 2nd shift and I was a regular employee on 1st shift, our paths crossed, we worked on a project together, sparks flew. At the time, neither of us was single when we met.  My relationship was already on the rocks, and ended 3 months or so after I met James.  James was in a long distance relationship with a woman in NY.  So about 6 months after we met, he ended the relationship with the woman in NY and at this time, we had gotten close but had not crossed the physical line because that was the agreement.  We started hanging out frequently on the weekends with or without his daughters (he was married for 13 years to his high school sweetheart) fishing together late night early morning and talking while he was working, taking weekend trips, because we could not be seen at work or around work together with him being a supervisor (the only one of color in the building) and me a regular associate, I accepted that because I knew how our place of employment could be and he is a hard working man and I did not want to be the downfall of him.  There were the people we were both friends with that knew we were dating and there were rumors at work that we were dating but no ever really knew.  I was in love.  I found the man that was every single thing I had been looking for. 

This man worked hard.  He is honest, a good father, a kind man who won't say too much unkind to anyone unless provoked.  A southern man that would cook and clean too. An all around good guy and reminded me of my dad with those qualities and had his trials and tribulations but did not let them hold him back at all.  This arrangement went on for over a year.  I would cook dinner and bring him lunch in, so when he got to work, there would be food for him in the fridge at work.  We worked well together as a couple, when I needed things for my car done, we would switch in the morning, I drive his truck to work and he would take care of my car stuff before he came to work, switch keys back when he got to work and I drive my car home. We spent time at each other's apartments, keys were exchanged.  I would do laundry and he would iron everything for myself and him for the entire week.   I was in love with this man.  Then the world that I knew and loved came crashing down hard...he started to back away and I didn't know why. He would not come as often after work. 

Finally he got transferred out of the building we both worked into another building and I thought well now we can be more free since he isn't in the building any more and then he did the unthinkable and broke up with me in an email and I lost my mind, literally. I sat at my desk that morning, reading an email he wrote the night before @ 12:17 AM and I cried, so much so I just had to go home and did not work the rest of the week...he said, he needed someone one he could be open to be with and not have to hide because of work. He said, I deserved better than that.  So I did not respond for a while because I didn't know how to. I did not want to come across immature and say the wrong thing, but I was hurting and he needed to know that. 

For 4 or 5 months we did not talk but sporadically and he would have to come back to the building where I still worked and the first time I saw him, the minute he walked away I broke down right then and there. 

I get a different position and I move to an office job 4 months later so does he and comes back to the building I am in.  Things rekindled shortly after he came in to the office we started back up but he was still in limbo dealing with the other woman, which I found out later she was a white woman and that just stabbed me right in the heart.  The ex boyfriend before him had also met and married at white woman, so this was a sore subject with me.  After a few months of being in this threesome, I asked for a decision he could not and would not answer and finally it just ended again.  His dept got moved to another location, so I did not have to see him again.

It is now August 2006 and about 2 weeks ago I find out she is working in the building with him in the company, I was hurt to find that out and told him as much. I said if it was not about us working together, then it was just me he didn't want and he said it wasn't the same thing because she was from the outside and not someone he had dealings with when he was in supervision.  So today, after all this time, I am hurting still.  I know we don't have a future and yet I can't get over him! I have not had a boyfriend.  I have a person that has loved me since we children but I don't love him and he is in Florida and I am in Ohio. 

I need help. Almost every day I cry thinking about him.    What can I do to get over him and be able to let someone else love me??  Or learn how to even love myself again.  I had given up hope in God, wondering how he could let me hurt so much and bring someone into my life that made me feel this way only to have it end the way it did. 

Can you offer any advice?  

Broken Sista 

Broken Sista: 

Your story is so sad and it seems like you have been through so much with this brother. There are three main things that you have to get about this relationship: 

1) It takes time to give your all and fall in love -- it is going to take time to get over this brother.  Don't expect to one day just wake-up and all of the love is gone.  Letting go of love is a very slow process that relies on time and space.  Some people create distance within months while others take years.  Give your self time to heal and take it day by day.  Start a journal and write down how you feel every day.  By day 14 you will find that the words of hurt and disappointment dwindle because you have a place to now leave the hurt. 

2) This relationship was one that the brother did not want.  I tell sisters this all the time.  If a brother wants to be with you, he will do ANYTHING to be where you are.  The fact that this brother created distance and then started seeing someone else is proof that he desired to move on.  As hurtful as it may seem, the truth is that everyone we love doesn't always love us back or give us what we need. 

3) Sister, please don't get caught up in the whole white woman thing.  By focusing on the brothers who have moved on to white women you are growing resentful and conveying that negative energy to new potential lovers.  The truth is that brothers date white men and you know what surprisingly sisters date white men too.  Love is love and once you make peace with that you will see that a brother choosing to love another does not take away from your beauty or value. 

In the end it is time to move on with great memories and lessons learned.  Know that it is going to take time for total healing to occur, but it is possible to find another great love if you are open to giving another brother a chance. 

- L  

LaDawn, 

Here is my issue: I have been dating this man since 2000. We started off as "cut friends" and progressed into love. Originally, I was the one who wanted to just remain friends. Burnt from a bad divorce, I was not eager to put myself out their again. Once I fell in love, I wanted to take it to the next level. He hesitated. We have several differences causing this. I have two children with no intentions have any more. He has none. He is well established in his career, while I have always maintained a job, as of yet I still do not have a clear career path. Not that money is a major problem between us; I don't ask him for money, he doesn't volunteer any. 

Eventually after much pressure on my part, we became "boyfriend and girlfriend" around 2003. So I am sure you can see where I am going with this. I want to get married! He says he wants to marry me and spend the rest of his life with me. We have discussed this many, many times. However, that has not lead to anything because we are basically still doing the same things. He leads a totally separate life from me. I have met his family once. Although they know me, it is not on the level that my family knows him. I only know who his friends are because he tells me about them. He knows mine, but he always keeps me separate from his life. 

I try to approach it in different ways, putting myself in his shoes, threatening to leave, and actually leaving. All of this is to no avail, because we are still not married.  In a recent conversation, I have laid everything on the line. I asked him if he felt that he was getting everything that he needed from me, if he felt that he was giving me everything I needed, and if he felt that he was doing his best to maintain this relationship. The outcome of that discussion was that he asked me what I wanted. I told him that I want to be a complete part of his life. I want to be engaged and a year from now married. He said fine, then that is what will happen. He says that when he actually "proposes" and gives me a ring, is going to be a surprise.  Thus far, I have no ring.  Granted this was just a couple of days ago, I still have no ring. To be honest I really won't believe it until I see it. 

My question is "how long is too long"?  Now, I am always the first to say don't let a man use you, a man won't do anything more than you let him do. So I am fully aware that all of my unhappiness with him is partly my fault. I don't want to be "that girl' whose man is playing her as a fool. I understand that by being with me that he is giving up his right to have his own children. I have also expressed this to him as well. If that is the problem, then why won't he just leave me and find someone else that will be able to give him what he needs? I don't understand why he is dragging this on, if he has no intention of marrying me. I have told myself that if I have no ring by the end summer I have to leave, if nothing else than to try and retain some dignity and pride.  

Sister: 

Throughout your email you were answering your own situation.  This brother cares for you, but it seems pretty clear to me that he is not willing to make you his wife.  My rule on this thing is that if it doesn't happen within 2 years then it probably isn't going to happen.  You have to look with honest eyes at all of the clues this brother is giving you.  The biggest being that men are braggarts by nature and if he really had met his match in you -- he would easily integrate you into his work, family and friends. 

I think it is time to get real and decide whether or not you can live with this casual relationship until he finds his ideal or do you want to get out now knowing that you took control of your love life and moved forward.  Stop waiting, hoping and praying for a ring to materialize and get on with the business of meeting a brother who wants "all" of you in his life.

-L

Hi LaDawn:

I have had so many differences in advice/opinions on my issue; I do not know what to do. I have been seeing this guy for six months now. We started seeing each other in August of 2005, but we had stopped talking for a month, but he came back to me. We have good conversations; we talk about any and everything. This guy has said he had been locked up for a while (either 8 or 10 years), he has been home for 4 years now and he has gotten himself on track as far as his work is concerned.

Based on what he tells me, he had a bad experience with someone in his past, which I think has a lot to do with him being cautious now. I have tried to show and tell him in any way possible how I feel about him and that I am not out to hurt him. He tells me that he knows that I like him for him, but in the beginning he had his doubts. He has told me on numerous occasions that when he is upset about something, he shuts himself off, not answering his phone and sometimes his door. I've never dealt with someone like this before, so at first it was hard for me to know how to accept this, but now I'm used to this.

The other thing is how slow he is moving. I can understand this.  I don't feel like I am pressuring him.  I'm not asking right now for marriage or for us to move together, but he does know this is what I want. My problem with him is that he does not give me the extra time I have been asking for. We have had this conversation many times and he keeps throwing his job up in my face by talking about how important it is to him, and he wants to get out of debt so that he will have more time for other things. This is all good to a certain extent, but we see each other about once, maybe twice a week. Twice is very rare. I have asked him for one or two more days. We both work like 2 a.m. whereas, I am done by 7 a.m. and he may not be done until between 8 and 9 a.m. Then there is whatever running around to handle other errands during the day and then he does have to get some sleep. I try to be as understanding and patient as I can be, but there are times that I want to be with him more.

On March 22, 2006, during a conversation, he confessed that he loves me, is in love with me, enjoys being with me and is never bored with me. He has told me before that he has strong feelings for me. So I'm trying to understand that he has some adjusting to do because he says he is used to being by himself, because when he was locked up he was by himself all that time and no one came to see him, and a girl he loved back then is the reason for him doing the time. So I tell him after six months, I feel like we have not moved forward at all. He just says he moves slowly.  I have to compete with his job, his work with juveniles and other meetings that he attends during the week.  When I ask him if it is because he wants to be with someone else, he tells me it isn't about other girls.  He has said this to me many times because believe me, this conversation has come up many times. I have just showed up at his place before on different times of the day and night and have yet to find any other female there.  So I asked him:  “If you love me, why can't you give me more of your time?” He says his feelings have nothing to do with it. So I say, “What is the bottom line?  If you don't have time for me, then I need to be with someone who does?”  He says that is my decision; he cannot make decisions for me.

Sometimes I feel like he does have love for me, I can see the way he looks at me, how he may just look in my eyes and stroke my face, or stare at me when I'm getting dressed and he gives me compliments, telling me that I am beautiful and smart and that he appreciates everything I do for him and I am the ideal wife.  He asks me things sometimes like what if we were living together, what would you do when...or he may pose some hypothetical husband questions to me.  I really am in love with him, I feel deep within me he is the one for me.  But what do I do about not having more of his time?  I'm afraid to see other people because I feel like if he finds out, it will change how he sees me and I definitely don't want to be intimate with anybody else either.  But I need more attention.  I have tried applying for daytime part time jobs to take up that extra time, so that I wouldn't be so focused on him, but I haven't been successful with that. So what do you say about this situation? I don't think he wants me to leave and he has said it before when I told him I was leaving that he does not want to ever lose total contact with me. But he just does not seem to be willing to include me in his day-to-day life like I want to be. Thank you for your input. 

M  

M: 

What a letter!! Sister you seem to be making a lot of excuses for a brother who no matter how he may feel about you is demonstrating a take it or leave it attitude when it comes to you.  Rule #1 when it comes to brothers is that if they are interested in being with you they are present in your life no matter what type of obligations they may have.  If there is always an excuse as to why you can't see him more, then sister the brother may not be as interested in you as you believe. 

Listen to what the brother is saying, but also watch his actions closely.  This brother seems to be on a path toward bettering his future and healing and right now this path doesn't include a wife.  You need to decide if you are going to take the ride and wait for him to decide to include you in or to get off now knowing that there is someone else out there for you who is ready for you today. In the end you need to follow your gut instinct that is screaming to you that this brother is a good brother, but he can't be all that you need right now. 

Dear LaDawn,

I have been dating this guy for over a year, it has been a wonderful relationship. The problem I am having is that in this time I have yet to meet anyone close to him, not even his best friend. When I have talked to him about it and letting him know how feel as if I'm being kept a secret he would either tell me sorry or brush me off. I have made excuses for it. he goes away to school in our state and when he comes home its only for weekends, so I figured that he want to spend time with just me and time with just his family. It was until winter break when I realized that he ample enough time to introduce me but didn't. I tend to feel like there is someone else but then i say no because he is about to graduate. I told him that he had until June to change the current situation or else I'm gone. What should I do, stick by him or leave? and how should I feel about not meeting any