Dear Deanna!
I’ve spent tons of money
on dates and dining but get nothing in return. I try to hold on to
chivalry in this day and age but women need to get with the program
and spend as well. I’m tired of watching other men do the same?
How do I let a woman know I want to date her but I’m not willing to
part with my money too soon?
Roger
Davis Atlanta, GA
Dear Roger:
You’re trying to be
impressive by spending money like a fake Donald Trump. If “getting
something” drives your motivation for dinner and dating then you got
what you deserved. Nothing. It’s none of your business how other
men spend their money. You should lead by example. Before your
next date have a money discussion and determine who’s paying or if
you’ll go Dutch and keep it moving.
Dear Deanna!
I’ve been dating a guy
for three years and he claims that he loves me. However, I often
wonder how we can love one another when we really don't know each
other. We never go out together although we spend time at each
other’s home. He blames it on his job. It’s true he works a lot,
but I feel that if you really want to be with someone you'll make
time. I turned 40 on my birthday and feel it’s time to move on.
Jeanette On-Line Reader
Dear Jeanette:
There’s a huge
communication gap in this relationship. It’s odd to be with someone
for 4 years and still fall short on quality time. He’s simply not
into you but you’ve made it easy for him to be in this
relationship. You should get a new attitude and lay your cards on
the table and express your desires. If he still wants to be dead
weight using his job as an excuse, then hit the road and don’t look
back.
Dear Deanna!
My husband’s daughter
from a previous marriage will spend the summer with us. Her mother
never liked me and has passed this judgment onto her daughter. Her
mother has threatened to fight me if I verbally or physically
discipline her. My husband has given me authority to discipline as
needed especially since I’m the one that will be spending most of
the time with her. What are my options?
Anonymous Buffalo, NY
Dear Anonymous:
Your husband and his
ex-wife need to let the child know that she must behave and act as
if she has some sense. If you and your husband are in agreement
with the house rules, then nothing else should be said. As for the
mother, shut her down and let her know that she can’t regulate
anything in your house. If she insists, then she can keep the child
at home and no one has to deal with any issues.
Dear Deanna!
My girlfriend has been volunteering to
baby sit, run errands and really help me out. I started getting
suspicious when she began staying later when my husband came home.
I didn't give it much thought until she washed his laundry. I hit
the roof when she bought him some cologne. I kicked her out and
gave my husband a few choice words. He accused me of overreacting.
I decided to put my foot down and end this mess before it started.
Am I wrong?
Mona Portland, OR
Dear Mona:
You acted properly before your
girlfriend decided to help herself to your husband. He is innocent
but like most men, he enjoyed the attention and didn't realize he
was being set up. You need to give the cologne back to her and let
her know that you no longer need her services. If you choose to
remain friends, issue new boundaries that don't include your
husband. In the meanwhile, continue to run your household, regulate
your marriage and keep it moving?
Dear Deanna!
I'm a single mom
with five kids and I've reunited with my boyfriend of two years. I
admit we've had problems on both sides but during this recent make
up he expressed his love, he said that he missed us and he wants to
pick up where we left off. He went to work one day and I didn't
hear from him until two weeks later. He left me a voice mail saying
that his job had offered him a training position in another town and
he would be back on the weekend. I didn't hear anything for three
days and decided that I love myself and I'm tired of games. What
should I do about this man?
Confused Seattle, WA
Dear Confused:
If a man loves you
so much, he will not disappear for two weeks and not contact you.
These are signs that he's immature, selfish and not very
responsible. Your relationship ended for a reason and you should
move forward instead of two steps back. You have enough kids
already and don't need to add an overgrown man to the bunch. Set an
example for your kids by taking care of them, loving yourself and
waiting for a man that will treat you right.
Dear Deanna!
I'm in college and me and my peers have
the same issues. We're short on money, have to do odd jobs to buy
gas and we pool our money to buy food. Things are working out with
the exception of one friend that isn't pulling her load. She rides
in the car with us and eats the food but we noticed that she isn't
contributing to the fund. We all have seen her with new clothes and
manicures. How do we tell her that she needs to pay her money or
she's out of the group?
Carla Pensacola, FL
Dear Carla:
You guys are on the right track as
you've realized early on that there is strength in numbers. You
need to carefully document all the agreed upon activity within the
group and demonstrate her lack of participation. Have a
face-to-face discussion once you've verified a few things and can
determine if her shortcomings are legit or bogus. If she's been
getting over, then your friend is a freeloader and let her know that
she needs to pay her way or get out of the group.
Dear Deanna!
My son is growing up to
be a very angry little boy because he misses his father. I had a
relationship with his dad but broke up with him because I wanted to
be with someone else. My son doesn’t like my new boyfriend and he
is misbehaving, throwing tantrums and his personality has changed.
I want to take him to counseling but wanted to ask if you think he’s
rebelling because he doesn’t see his real father anymore?
Anonymous Denver, CO
Dear Anonymous:
Your son is hurt because his
father is gone and you bring in a new uncle. As parents, you had an
obligation to explain the changes to your son so he could adjust.
In a child’s mind, he sees his father leave and another man is now
kissing his mother. Focus your attention on your child and get to
the root of his problems. If counseling is an option for your son
be prepared and open minded to some personal lifestyle changes
because the results will be priceless.
Dear Deanna!
I have gained a lot of weight and
I feel that my husband is falling out of love with me. He’s not
intimate with me, we don’t cuddle and he always acts as if I’m
annoying him. I am trying to diet but it is so stressful sitting by
watching and feeling that I’m losing my husband. He claims that he
still loves me but his actions are extremely different from the
words he says. What can I do to recapture the fire and energy in my
marriage?
Overweight Wife Toledo, OH
Dear Overweight:
If you’re having these
feelings there’s no sense denying there’s some truth to what’s going
on. The best way to tell if your husband is slipping is for you to
lose weight. You need to be happy with good self-esteem. Once you
get back into your zone, measure your husband’s activity and
behavior towards you. If things don’t change, you have a problem
that goes beyond weight. Be prepared for a discussion and seek
honest answers regarding your relationship.
Dear Deanna!
I’m dating someone new and he has
a child. My boyfriend’s daughter is 10 years old and she has no
manners or home training. When they come to my house she puts her
dirty feet on the sofa, and leaves her cups and candy wrappers
everywhere. I nicely asked her to remove her things one day and he
became upset with me. This is a problem and I see the relationship
won’t go any further until this is addressed. How do I deal with
this sensitive subject?
Andrea Charleston, SC
Dear Andrea:
You need to let your
boyfriend know that your home is not a barn and his child will not
treat it as such. The next time they visit, handle your business
and tell her to remove her feet, clean after herself or whatever
else you need to do. If your boyfriend says something use that
opportunity to share your expectations. Moving forward if he or his
daughter ignores the rules you provided, addresses it once more and
if they don’t comply, dump them both and keep it moving.
Dear Deanna!
I’m in love with a
married man I’ve known for several years. I know that he and I
would be together but he got someone pregnant and had to marry her.
He stays in his marriage because of the child but it’s getting hard
for him to not commit adultery with me. We’ve had dates here and
there but we haven’t crossed the line. I’m at the point of no
return and if we become intimate, he’ll leave his marriage. Should
I feel bad if this happens?
Legal
Mistress Raleigh, NC
Dear Mistress:
Did you enjoy the trip when you
fell and hit your head? He is with the woman he wanted and it isn’t
you. He is a real man and did the right thing by giving his child a
family and a home that doesn’t include homewreckers like yourself.
He’s just as wrong as you, but if you really care about him, stop
being a temptation trying to claim forbidden fruit. He’s not
leaving his wife and you need to stop the madness before someone
gets hurt and keep it moving.
Dear Deanna!
I have two best friends
that are always talking about each other. I listen to what they say
but I never repeat anything that I hear. They’re going back and
forth right now harder than ever and I’m being forced to choose
sides. I don’t have an issue with either one of them and I think
they’re being unfair. How do I choose who I want to be friends with
because I can’t be friends with both of them?
Nicki Buffalo, NY
Dear Nicki:
Do yourself a favor and
lose some weight by dropping both of them. If they don’t value your
friendship enough to shield you from their drama and games, then
they don’t deserve your friendship. You’re not part of the problem
now, but if you choose one over the other, you become a target from
the other one. Before you make a decision, see if you can help your
friends resolve their issues and if not, call it a three-way split
and keep it moving.
Dear Deanna!
I walked away from a
long marriage, a new home and a family because I wasn’t happy. My
husband and kids took me for granted and walked over me. I did all
I thought was necessary such as counseling, hiring babysitters for
the kids and losing weight. No one in the family has noticed or
cared about my pain, or cries for help or attention. Now that I’m
gone, ignoring everybody, they don’t know what to do and are begging
me to come home. What do I do?
Torn Wife St. Louis, MO
Dear Torn Wife:
You
need to have a major discussion with your husband who appears to be
part of the problem. Your children don’t have a choice but to fall
in line because they don’t pay any bills. Provide a list of your
needs and wants and present them to your husband so you can get on
the same page. If he’s willing to accommodate the important things
on your list then you have a chance of restoring your marriage and
regaining personal balance and footing in the household.
Dear Deanna!
I’m in a
relationship and I think my boyfriend has another life. We’ve dated
for 2 years and he’s always worked third shift. While on medical
leave I noticed he never came home until noon. When I asked about
this he told me that he goes to the gym. I followed him and his gym
turned out to be an apartment complex. We argued and instead of
telling me about the apartment, he accused me of not trusting him.
What do I do?
Betrayed Winston Salem, NC
Dear Betrayed:
If you have
to stalk a man and chase him down for answers, then you’re with the
wrong person. He placed the blame on you instead of confessing the
truth and being honest. He’s burning two ends of the candle by
working at night, being with one woman in the morning and being with
you in the evening. Don’t settle for less because you deserve
more. Heal yourself from the inside out, count your loss and keep
it moving.
Dear Deanna!
My
grandmother is a sweet, sacrificing lady that has given me
everything in life to be successful. I’ve decided that I don’t want
any more education but she insists that I go ahead and complete my
Masters Degree. She’s just cleared her debt and paid my student
loans and I can’t bear to see her struggle again. How do I make her
understand this without hurting her feelings?
Teena
Omaha, NE
Dear Teena:
Your grandmother pushing you
towards a higher degree isn’t a bad problem. It’s good you’re not a
user and is willing to be concerned about her finances. Take the
time and show your grandmother how to invest with the option that if
you go back to school, you’ll let her help. This way she can save
money and have hope that you’ll come to her first when it’s time to
hit the books again.
