Mildred D. Muhammadis a
domestic violence survivor with a story to
tell. I got to know Mildred through
her children who are in my son's circle of
friends. As a result of our kids
hanging out I learned more about Mildred and
was drawn to her story.
Mildred
did not seek the limelight. She was
thrust into the spotlight because her former
husband was John Allen Muhammad – the
convicted and executed DC sniper
who terrorized the Washington DC
metropolitan area in late 2002.
After several years
of silence, Mildred decided to speak openly
about her day-to-day experiences as a
survivor of domestic violence and how it
affected her three children. As a
result, I've asked Mildred to write a
monthly column to educate people on:
I am Mildred
Muhammad. I am
the Executive Director of
After The Trauma.
A non-profit organization established, based
upon my own experience, to assist survivors
of domestic violence.
I am a consultant with the Office for
Victims of Crime and a board member of
different domestic violence organizations. I
have become a national spokesperson for
domestic violence and I have been and
continue to be honored as being the keynote
speaker, telling my story for several
conferences, workshops and
seminars regarding domestic violence.
I share my expertise
on what it's like being a victim and a
survivor of domestic violence without
physical scars to victims and survivors of
domestic violence, advocates, law
enforcements, therapists, counselors, mental
health providers, medical health providers,
various universities and many others. I
have participated in training law
enforcements regarding victims of domestic
violence without physical scars. I have
received many awards, recognitions
and certificates regarding my work in
assisting victims and survivors of domestic
violence. I have written a book titled,
"Scared
Silent"
which details my emotionally abusive
relationship.
You see, my ex husband
was the convicted and now executed sniper of
the DC metropolitan area, John
Allen Muhammad.
Although most believe,
based on what the media reported,
that the random shootings were about two
African American men going around shooting
innocent people for financial gain and
control of this area. That is
not the truth.
Unfortunately, the random shootings were a
cover to hide my murder. John was to come
in as the grieving father to get custody of
our children. It was a domestic
violence/custody issue. Others outside of
the DC area know this to be factual because
this case originated in Washington State.
Others say that my children and I were not
victims. However, we were the first victims
and because we weren't physically injured or
killed, we are looked upon as causing the
problem and bringing trouble to this side of
the country.
Since there are many definitions for
domestic violence, it is difficult to know
if you are in an abusive relationship. So,
let's start there.
What Is Domestic Violence?
Domestic
violence is a pattern of abusive,
controlling behaviors that some individuals
use to control their intimate partners.
Domestic violence is any type of violence,
abuse or threat of violence that one partner
in a relationship commits against another.
It includes physical, sexual, emotional,
psychological, stalking, economic and verbal
abuse.
Examples are punches,
kicks, slaps, hits shoves, forcing partner
to perform degrading tasks, using degrading
remarks, sexual assault, rape, secretly
following you around and other tactics used
to establish power and control over a
partner. Domestic Violence can occur in any
relationship, married or unmarried,
homosexual and heterosexual. Now domestic
violence is considered an offense if the
person who is being abused is dating the ex
of a prior relationship.
You see, you
either are a victim, a survivor or know
someone who is or was either. This is how
badly it has become in our society and yet
it is only publicize when the victim is
physically mutilated, physically abused or
death has occurred. No one considers the
victim is in danger if NO physical scars are
present. Domestic violence does not discriminate. It doesn't matter what
religion, race, gender, financial or
educational status, man, woman, child or
elderly. Domestic violence affects us all
either directly or indirectly.
Statistics say that
"every 9 to 15 seconds a woman is abused".
It is unfortunate when we hear or see this,
we automatically think a physical assault
has occurred. I am striving to shift the
thinking of society. When you begin to hear
statistics from others, instead of thinking
of the number '9' or '15' and someone being
hit...think of
'number 1'
and what has occurred.
It began as a verbal assault. Someone said
a hurtful remark and now emotions are out of
control! Soon, yelling begins, name
calling, the effort to destroy the others'
character and then...a physical assault.
Most times, a physical assault is not the
result. However, with such anger, hurtful
comments are made that one cannot take
back. Once anger subsides, "I'm sorry" is
hard to accept because out of anger, the
truth was told. We have to learn to talk to
each other more effectively when a
disappointment or a frustration occurs.
Proper communication is one way to alter the
path of a domestic dispute.
I want to personally
thank Gary Johnson
for this opportunity to expand my work in
assisting victims and survivors of domestic
violence. This monthly article will be
published through
Black Men In
America.com
and their effort to heighten awareness
regarding domestic abuse/violence. This
article will focus on abuse regarding the
victim, survivor, abuser, children and the
elderly.
I hope you will continue to visit the site
and read the articles. It is my hope and
prayer that the information provided will
assist those who need it and act as a
resource to those who know someone in an
abusive relationship.
If you find that you
need assistance, you may e-mail me directly
at
Mildred@afterthetrauma.org.
I will respond as soon as I receive your
message. I will assist you as best I can.
Please remember...YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
You can also follow me on Facebook and
Twitter.
Take good care of yourself,
Mildred
A
Brief Understanding of Victims/Survivors
There are times
when victims/survivors of domestic violence
are looked upon as being incapable of making
life decisions based upon their experience.
Because there appears to be a stigma
attached to being a victim/survivor, there
are most who don't want anyone to know for
fear of being rejected. Rejection is an
awful feeling and will keep those who need
the help from asking.
Sometimes asking
for help is the hardest thing to do when you
are a victim/survivor of domestic violence.
Once it is stated, then the questions start.
Why, how, who, what, and when. Now that all
questions have been answered, the response
is usually, "I'm so sorry that happened to
you. I wish I could help".
This deters a woman
from asking for help if you only want to
know the information to spread amongst
others. There is valuable time lost when
questions are asked out of curiosity instead
of really offering genuine help. Very few
have any answers! The best question to ask
is , "how can I help?" This way you are
allowing the woman to inform you of what she
needs instead of her feeling she is being
told what she needs. This will allow her to
feel she has some control over which
direction she takes.
If I am a
professional woman, I am definitely NOT
going to allow anyone to know that I am in a
domestic violence situation. I've recognized
early on those whom I can not talk to. I
haven't meet the "right person" who has
created a "safe" environment for me to rest
my troubles without being judged. And until
I find that person, I will suffer in
silence. If this sounds like you, then you
are not alone!
I was that person
and it was a heavy load to carry. What
worked for me was journaling. Journaling
allowed me to express myself without
worrying about anyone else's opinion. Once I
began, I found it to be very soothing and it
helped to gradually release my anxieties.
The muscles that were tight around my neck,
began to relax. My tensions were gradually
going away. To this day, I am still
journaling. I find it such a wonderful
release for me. This is one suggestion! You
have to find what is right for you! Such as
swimming, reading a book, exercising,
knitting, or whatever your hobby maybe. Find
something to do that will relax you so the
healing process can continue.
Remember, it is not
your fault that you are or you were a victim
of domestic violence. Once you begin to
believe that, you are well on your way to
becoming a new woman. And you now know what
you will and will not accept!
Although the term
‘woman’ was used throughout
this article, men who find themselves
as victims of domestic violence can benefit
from this information also.
In this riveting memoir
Mildred Muhammad, the former wife of
convicted and recently executed DC sniper
John Muhammad, breaks her silence about the
domestic violence she suffered in their marriage
and the tragic events that occurred after their
divorce, which led up to the October 2002 sniper
killings in DC. Mildred witnessed firsthand
John's bizarre behavior after he returned from
the Gulf War, but no one--including her family,
friends, and local police--took her warnings
seriously. Even when John kidnapped their three
children for eighteen months, changed their
identities and lived with them on the run in
Antigua, or when he threatened to kill Mildred--
her pleas for help went unfounded and she was
forced to live undercover for eight months in a
women's shelter. Everyone knew John as a
charming and intelligent man. No one could
fathom that he posed a serious threat to
Mildred, let alone the 11 innocent victims he
and his 15-year-old accomplice Lee Malvo
would later kill to carryout John's heinous plot
to get custody of his and Mildred's children
permanently.
What began as a domestic case
eventually victimized millions. And it has taken
years for Mildred and her children to heal from
the fear and psychological trauma they endured.
In Scared Silent,
Mildred shares her personal story to show how
domestic violence devastates entire families,
including the children, and hopes that what she
reveals will give new insight on this national
social ill.
There
are many 'emotions' within us regarding domestic
violence that need to be expressed for true
healing to begin. The partial sentences within
this journal are to help you to unlock the door
within self, that has behind it all the pain of
guilt, shame, fear, anger, anxiety, and other
feelings you've been afraid to confront.
As the former wife of
John Allen Muhammad,
the convicted DC Sniper, I've felt no one could
handle my 'emotions'. I knew I had to get them
outside of myself to heal. I began journaling
and found more emotions I didn't realize
existed. I couldn't tell anyone because I felt
ashamed, guilty, and thought no one would
believe me anyway. But...writing them down gave
me the opportunity to truly focus on my pain and
how these emotions were affecting my everyday
living.
I'm so thankful to God for
giving me the inspiration and guidance to share
this journaling process with you. It is a long
journey, however, it is worth the trip.
Included in the journal: a
comprehensive safety plan, 50 State Coalition
listing, VINE information, web sites for men,
and victim/survivor assistance resource
information.
Proceeds from the journal will
help to continue the work in assisting survivors
of domestic violence.
There
are many 'emotions' within us regarding domestic
violence that need to be expressed for true
healing to begin. The partial sentences within
this journal are to help you to unlock the door
within self, that has behind it all the pain of
guilt, shame, fear, anger, anxiety, and other
feelings you've been afraid to confront.
